老实说（2015）

I prefer the boobs I have at home.
哦 那有照片吗
Ooh, you got a pic of those?
靠 吉姆 我之前可揍过你呢
Okay, Jim, I've struck you before.
别逼我又动手
I will strike you again.
他确实动手了
He did hit me.
那安琪不会对这些有意见吗
What does Angie say about all this?
她从来不玩推特
She's never on Twitter.
不 拉塞尔 你得跟安琪坦白
No, Russell, you have to tell Angie.
如果你不坦诚相待
If you don't come clean,
这些奶会层出不穷 在你面前的
those boobs could blow up in your face.
那挺不错啊
That's not a bad way to go.
那个婊♥子♥又发推文来了
That skank tweeted again!
安琪 我再说一次
Ang, for the last time...
"谢谢你的艳照" 附眨眼笑的表情
"Thanks for the hot pic," winky face?
不 那其实是
No, that means he...
没错 拉塞尔真的给她发了张照片
Yes, Russell sent her a pic.
他肯定是给她发私信了
He must've direct messaged her privately.
但是你相信拉塞尔不会出轨吧
But you don't think Russell would actually cheat?
对啊 我们俩都觉得他肯定不会理这些的
No, but we both didn't think Russell would actually reply.
跟你讲 我第一次见到拉塞尔的时候 他还在
Listen, when I first met Russell, he was doing comedy sets
奥马尔沙拉三明治店后排的露台上演喜剧呢
on the patio of Omar's Falafel Pit.
那家的鹰嘴豆泥不错
Great hummus.
现在他翅膀硬了了
But now he's starting to get big.
他现在在推特上火了
He's blowing up on Twitter.
不出一年 他就可以去波兰演出了
In a year, he could be doing a gig in Portland,
会有刻意戴著眼镜的靓妹
and some girl with glasses she doesn't need
端著小份的枫叶味冰淇淋
knocks on his hotel room door,
还挺著这样一双诱人的奶
with her own maple-flavored, small batch ice cream,
敲开他的房♥门
and a pair of these.
没错 我相信他 但他能承受住几分呢
Yeah, I trust him, but how much can he take?
天呐 你想得可真具体
Wow, you really painted a picture there.
苍天呐 说真的 有些女人会扑向马克·马隆
I mean, for God's sake, women throw themselves at Marc Maron.
马克·马隆: 单口相声演员
你说的要 "相信你男人"
You say, "Trust your man."
我也想啊 但事实是
And I want to, but the fact is,
我们不知道他们
we don't know what they're doing
在我们视线范围之外正做些什麽
when they're out of our sight.
我不清楚 安琪
I don't know, Ang,
我愿意去相信 我们的老公都是棒棒的
I like to think we know our husbands pretty well.
你都不知道 自己不知道的是哪些
You don't even know what you don't know.
哪怕是米奇
Even Mitch,
这个种族学教授
the ethics professor,
也对你隐瞒了这个小小的后续派对
failed to mention this little after party.
我只是随口一说
I'm just saying.
而现在 我们的老公
And now, our husbands
跟一群艳星在一起
are hanging out with porn stars.
还不是一般的艳星
And not just any porn stars,
可是有资格获奖的艳星
potentially award-winning porn stars.
是你的错
Your fault.
来个人问问我湖人队比赛的问题
Somebody quiz me on the Lakers game.
我到时候得跟利安娜圆谎
I got to have details for Leanne.
等等 我说的是湖人队还是国王队来著
Wait, did I say Lakers or Kings?
我可能说的是国王队
I might have gone Kings.
哦 吉姆 吉米 詹姆士
Oh, Jim, Jimmy, James.
我可不想跟你上一堂婚姻课
I don't want to lecture you on marriage.
- 不 你想 - 是的 我想
- Yes, you do. - Yeah, I kinda do.
看看你紧张的样子
Look at you, stressing out.
你知道吗 这样的情况是完全可以避免的
You know, situations like this can be avoided
只用到一点小东西叫做 诚实
with a little thing that I like to call honesty.
你看 我老婆
See, my wife knows
就完完全全知道我今天晚上的活动
exactly what I'm doing tonight.
她还希望我能带著跟艳星的自♥拍♥照回家呢
She expects me to come home with a porn star selfie,
而且我喝醉点点也没关係
and I can even get a little tipsy,
这就是为啥我刚刚又点了一轮酒
which is why I just ordered us another round.
屌♥炸了吧
Boom.
有开拓你心中的小宇宙吗
Did I just blow your minds?
等下 大伙儿 是我老婆
Oh, one second, gentleman. That's my wife.
大概是想问我怎麽还没把大♥波♥照片传给她
Probably wondering why the selfies aren't pouring in.
我是米奇
Go for Mitch.
- 怎麽了 宝贝儿 - 我不知道
- What's going on, babe? - I don't know.
你那里怎麽样了
What is going on?
我没法知道的 对吧
I'd have no way of knowing, would I?
什麽
What?
你怎麽可以连后续派对都不告诉我
How come you didn't tell me about this after party?
呃 那不然
Well, where did you think
你觉得我们要去哪里拍到那些照片呢?
we were gonna be taking those selfies?
我的意思是 这就是同一天的活动 对吧
I mean, it's all part of the same night, right?
差不多
I guess,
那你能不能再告诉我一次
but remind me again
你为啥想去这个聚会
why you wanted to go to this thing.
呃 因为我爱的人告诉我
Uh, because someone I love
"不要错过了这个怪咖秀"
said "Don't miss the freak show."
好
Okay.
好吧 我是说
All right, I mean...
宝贝 你听起来好像不太乐意了
Babe, it sounds like you're uncomfortable with this,
如果你不想让我去 那我就不去了
and if you don't want me to go, then I won't go.
- 喔 啥? - 闹啥类?
- Whoa! What? - Excuse me?
- 妈妈咪呀 - 不 跟你说吧
- Mother... - No, you know what?
我不去了
I won't go.
我爱你
I love you.
可是 我不爱你
Well, I don't love you.
我很明白
I was very clear.
- 我必须得去 - 他必须得去
- I need this! - He needs it.
放轻鬆 我们会去的
Relax, we're going.
但是 他不是说
But... didn't he...
那然后 因为
And then... 'cause...
恭喜啊 你把吉姆弄坏了
Congratulations, you broke Jim.
米奇 你一直是我们得以出来浪的靠山
Mitch, you're the only reason we can go in the first place.
你是让她们放心的那个秤砣
You're the safety seal that lets our wives know
压住她们心里的狐疑
that their Tylenol has not been tampered with.
- 你可是秤砣啊! - 先生们 放轻鬆
- You the seal! The seal! - Gentlemen, relax.
我跟她说了不会去吗 说了
Did I tell her I wouldn't go? Yes.
我心里真的这麽想吗 当然
Did I mean it? Sure.
她如果不打回来我会去吗
Will I go if she doesn't call back?
不会
I will not.
你能直接说重点吗 看来没门
Will you get to the point? Not likely.
我瞭解我的妻子 她会回电♥话♥的
I know my wife. She'll call back.
她只是需要听到我说我不会去
She just needed to hear me say I wouldn't go,
所以她会打回来 批准我去
so she could call back and give me permission to go.
所以 我们都会去的
So we are going to go.
愚蠢至极
All those words are dumb.
看吧 我知道你会说我不应该这麽做
Look, I know you're gonna say I shouldn't,
但我只想快速登录拉塞尔的推特账号♥
but I'm just gonna quickly log on to Russell's Twitter account,
看看他给这个女人发的图片
and see the picture he sent this woman.
我支持
I support that.
是吗
You do?
好吧 有点小忏悔
Yeah, little confession,
我刚给米奇打过电♥话♥
I just called Mitch.
是吗
You did?
但你说 "不要做那种妻子"
But you said, "Don't be that wife."
在 "信任自己丈夫" 的妻子
What happened to
身上发生了什麽
the "trust your man," lady?
今天晚上我几乎弄错了所有事
I was wrong about almost everything tonight.
看吧 你是对的
Look, you were right.
我不知道我不知道什麽
I don't know what I don't know.
但我会告诉你我知道的
But I'll tell you what I do know.
我们登录上去了吗
We're logging on?
等等 我们不知道他的密♥码♥
Wait, we don't know his password.
我知道 只是他最喜欢的三个事物
Well, I do. It's just his three favorite things.
图派克 阿迪达斯 鸡手指
Tupac, Adidas, chicken fingers.
图派克：美国说唱歌♥手和演员
鸡手指：一种美国人喜欢吃的油炸食品