老实说（2015）

Truth Be Told S01E01

Part 4 Sept. 8, 2020, 12:38 p.m.

You look familiar. You ever been to the Laugh Factory?
没有
No.
他只是想说明他演过单口相声
That's just his way of telling you he does stand-up.
我在舞台上的表演很出色
I'm exceptional onstage.
你没告诉我你什么时候需要我
You never told me when you want me.
妈呀你说啥
Oh, my God, what?
七点过来带孩子
Oh, uh... 7:00.
7点就行这个时间很好
Yeah, 7:00's good. Yeah, let's go with 7:00.
你知道地址吧因为
And you have the address 'cause...
因为就在这
Yeah. It's right here.
米奇你简直萌萌哒
Mitch, you're adorable.
我说的 "萌萌哒" 指的是 "人畜无害"
And by "adorable," I mean "harmless."
我说的 "人畜无害" 呢
And by "harmless,"
指的是你对女性没有肉体上的威胁
I mean you pose no physical threat to women.
就雇佣那个女孩吧
Hire that girl.
多谢我要出去浪了
Thank you. I'm going out.
老妈要出去浪了
Mama is going out!
老娘要出去浪了
I'm going out!
我可以去其他地区浪了耶
To a different zip code, hey!
嗨
Hey!
我们要出去了呢
We're going out.
我们有了个保姆终于可以好好生活一会儿了
We got a sitter. We're getting our lives back.
你们说的没错金芭莉可以胜任的
You guys were right. I mean, Kimberly is great.
说个小问题
Little hiccup.
我终于知道为啥她那么眼熟了
I realize why she looks familiar.
你的保姆拍三♥级♥片♥
Your babysitter does porn.
- 啥 - 是的
- What? - Yeah. Yeah.
我很肯定我看过她的 "淫道"
Pretty sure I've seen her "bagina."
我们在躲谁的老婆
Wait. So whose wife are we hiding from?
我们俩的
All of them.
我们俩的老婆
All of the wives!
在我当着崔丝的面毁掉她名誉之前
I have to be absolutely sure
我得百分百肯定
that you saw our babysitter doing porn
你看过我们保姆拍的三♥级♥片♥
before I destroy her reputation with Tracy.
我不记得是那个影片了
I can't remember exactly which clip it was.
在搜索框里输入 "保姆金芭莉"
Just put "Kimberly, babysitter" in the search bar.
首先
First of all,
我怀疑她的艺名不是金芭莉
I doubt she performs under the name Kimberly.
其次如果我在搜索框里输入
And second of all, if I put "babysitter"
"保姆"
into the search bar,
那得花上4天才能看完
we're gonna be here for, like, four days.
我们没有那么多天
We don't have four days.
我们离演唱会开始只有90分钟了
We have 90 minutes until the concert starts.
在此期间我还要洗澡
I still need to take a shower.
我还没决定要穿什么
I have no idea what I'm gonna wear.
衬衫配牛仔
Jeans and a button-down.
那要把衬衫塞进牛仔裤吗
But am I tucking?
我再找找
Just... I'm working.
"外行"
"Amateur."
"跨种族"
"Interracial."
"放荡"
"Orgy."
出来了
Here it is.
这不是她不是她
That's not her. That's not her.
别高兴得太早
Don't celebrate just yet, cowboy.
你没看到我搜的放荡吗得搜好久呢
Did you not hear me type "orgy"?
是哦
Yeah.
- 快看 - 怎么啦怎么啦
- Wow. Look at that. - What, what?
楼梯打开了房♥子的视野
That staircase really opens up the house.
你是在...快进啊
Are you... fast forward.
有个更好的方法
You know, there's a nicer way to do that.
谁点了披萨
Did somebody order pizza?
不是吧送披萨梗
Pizza delivery, really?
我赌10刀当他打开披萨盒的时候
Ten bucks says when he opens up that pizza box,
一定会有
there's gonna be a...
- 这就是她 - 是吗
- That's her. That's her. - Is it?
应应该吧
I think... I think so.
- 很难说 - 是啊
- It's hard to tell. - Yeah.
你才看到她的脸3秒
You only see her face for, like, three seconds.
你能把她定住吗
Can you freeze it on her?
她演的啥是开心还是痛苦
What is she playing, pleasure or pain?
好像是当她打喷嚏的时候
It's like she's sneezing while getting her finger
她的手指被车门夹了
slammed in a car door.
- 再放一遍 - 等一下
- Yeah. Play it again. - Wait. One second.
你得先看看这个女的
You got to check out this one girl first.
求你了回放一下
Please, just go back!
米奇有时候你真的太急躁了
You know, Mitch, sometimes, you can be real uptight.
才没有
That is so not true.
那你干嘛要系安全带
Then why are you wearing a seat belt?
我得告诉崔丝
I have to tell Tracy.
事实上你不会这么做的
The thing is, you don't.
我难道没有责任把我知道的事
Don't I have a responsibility
告诉我的妻子吗
to disclose what I know to my wife?
你有责任做一个好丈夫
You have a responsibility to be a good husband.
过去的一个半月里
For the last month and a half,
你的妻子并没有说过
your wife hasn't been saying,
"米奇请对我坦诚"之类的话
"Mitch, be honest with me."
她只说过 "给老娘滚出这个房♥子"
What she has been saying is, "Get me out of this house!"
忘掉诚实之类的东西吧
Forget honesty.
我很抱歉
Oh, I'm sorry.
难道我昨晚是和另一个
Was I having dinner
对自己妻子的诚实论表示高度赞同
last night with a different black friend
的黑人朋友
who made the same
一起共进晚餐的吗
pro-honesty argument to his wife?
不啊是跟我
No. It was me.
我是你唯一的黑人朋友
I'm your only black friend.
那完全是因为你的嫉妒
Only because you get jealous.
不然我和马科斯就会是朋友的
Otherwise, I might be friends with Marcus.
妈的我说出来了
Oh, damn, I said it.
听着就算金芭莉在那视频里
Look, what if it is Kimberly in that video?
就意味着
Does that mean
她不能是一个好保姆了吗
that she can't be a good babysitter?
我是说起码从我们看来
I mean, from what we've seen,
她挺擅长同时应付几件事
she is pretty good at multitasking.
所以你也觉得那是她吗
So you do think it's her?
不我不知道
No! I don't know.
怎么你想再看一次吗
Why? You want to watch it again?
今晚会很赞的兄弟
Tonight's gonna be great, man.
别破坏这一切
Don't wreck it.
你以为你得到Jay Z演出的
How often do you get backstage
后台通行证的机率是多少呢
passes to Jay Z?
- 马科斯弄到了吗 - 是的他棒极了
- Marcus came through? - Yeah, he's super great.
看那些蝴蝶
Look at the butterfly.
等等会不会是另一个女孩
Wait. Didn't the other girl
手臂内侧有个纹身的那个
have a tattoo on the inside of her arm?
- 那是意大利辣香肠 - 该死
- That was a pepperoni. - Oh, damn it.
伙计们准备出发了哦她真是个火♥辣♥保姆
We get it, guys. She's a hot babysitter.
- 別再看了 - 不
- Move on. - Oh, no.
天哪你看起来棒极了
Oh, my God. You look fantastic!
我知道我是的
I know. I do. I do!
因为我要出门浪了妈妈要出门浪了哟
'Cause I'm going out. Mama's going out!
除非你认为我们需要重新考虑一下
Unless you think we should reconsider.
太迟了价钱牌都撕了
Too late. Popped the tags.
撕了价钱牌不能退货
这件裙子无论有没有我穿都要秀一下
This dress is going out with or without me.
女人们说的是
Oh, you heard the woman.
我们要在一分钟后起飞咯
We are wheels up in 60 seconds!
- 起飞? - 你不知道我心底里
- "Wheels up"? - You have no idea
有多大压力
what kind of pressure I'm working under here.
发生了什么
What the hell is going on?
没什么
Nothing.
别对我说谎老公
Don't lie to me, husband.