老实说（2015）

腿都吓软了
when he met our local weatherman,
我就不信他会因为看到
and I don't think he's ever pleasured himself to
五日天气预报而高兴
the five-day forecast.
干得好啊 婚姻导航
Great job, marital GPS.
你是准备把我们引向一场四车连环车祸吗
You're about to steer us into a four car pileup.
别紧张 我们走地面街道
Relax. We're taking surface streets,
但我们最后会成功的
but we'll get there.
婚姻的底线是 没有信任不成婚姻
Bottom line, a marriage means nothing without trust.
不管其他的女人怎麽做
It doesn't matter what those other women do
因为我们相信我们的老公
because we trust our men, right?
你说的没错
Yeah, you're right.
大概是我想多了
I'm probably over thinking it.
再说了 那晚艳星都下班了
And besides, it's the porn stars' night off.
他们最不想做的事就是"工作"吧
The last thing they're gonna want to do is work.
亲爱的
Sweetie,
有这麽多人关注你想看你的推文
I think it's great that you have a big enough following
简直棒极了
that they want your tweets.
- 你应该要去的 - 你说真的吗
- You should go. - Are you serious?
你要装得很淡定
Act like you've been here before.
什麽都别带回来
Just don't bring anything home
除了推特关注者
but Twitter followers,
还有润滑剂样品
and lube samples.
- 哇 - 怎麽 我爱捡便宜
- Oh. - What? I like free stuff.
你和你的润滑剂已经到达所要求的目的地了
You have arrived at your destination with lube.
- 淑女之夜 - 爽呆了
- Ladies' night! - Okay!
我带了红酒 带了芝士
I got wine. I got cheese.
莎蒂呆在高德曼家
Sadie's at the Goldman's.
我们该怎麽嗨起来
How we gonna get wild?
我们该做肥皂
We should make soap.
我们永远也不要再做肥皂
We're never gonna do the soap making thing.
你别逼我
Stop pushing it.
上次做贝壳相框之前你也是这麽说的
That's what you said about the seashell picture frame,
最后我们还是做了
and yet, that happened.
那是因为我那次喝醉了
That only happened because I was drunk.
乾杯
Cheers.
我们有一整晚呢
We do have all night.
他们还要吃晚饭 去颁奖典礼
The guys have dinner, the award show,
谁知道这个后续派对会办多久
and who knows how long the after party's gonna go.
- 后续派对吗 - 是啊
- After party? - Yeah.
请柬上写的
Says right there on the invite.
是吗
Huh.
米奇没说这事儿呀
Mitch didn't mention that.
这没关係吧 因为我们信任他们
Well, it doesn't matter though, because we trust.
没错
That's right.
看看你
Look at you.
我不仅相信他们 我还支持他们
And not only do I trust, I support.
我终于关注了拉塞尔的推特
You know, I finally started following Russell on Twitter.
我关注了他和我的牧师
I followed him, my pastor,
还关注了米歇尔·奥巴马五分钟
and Michelle Obama for about five minutes,
米歇尔·奥巴马 : 美国总统奥巴马的妻子
但是上面全是愚蠢的心灵鸡汤
but it was all nutritional foolishness.
你是真的支持拉塞尔
Are you really supporting Russell,
还是你发现你可以
or did you just figure out that you can stalk him all night
在推特上跟踪他整晚
if you follow him on Twitter?
你到底站在谁那边
Whose side are you on?
你怎麽能这样 说好不♥穿♥背心西装的呢
I can't believe this. I thought you said no vests.
不不 我取笑你穿背心西装的样子
No, no, I laughed at you for wearing a vest,
- 这样我就可以穿马甲了 - 看看这个
- so that I could wear a vest. - Check it out.
我教我儿子怎麽打个结
I helped my son tie the knot,
之后他就把自己牙给拔♥出♥来♥了
but he pulled out the tooth all by himself.
真是个迷你勇士啊
Aww, what a pint-size warrior.
拉塞尔 看看这个
Hey, Russell, look at this.
从没看过你的儿子 也不想知道他做了什麽
Never met your kid. Not gonna care about it.
当莎蒂的第一颗牙掉的时候...
You know, when Sadie lost her first tooth...
打住 别再聊孩子了
No! No... no more kid talk.
- 今夜是绅士之夜 - 说得对
- This is a guy's night. - Yes.
- 我们是要去吃牛排的 - 是的
- We're going to eat steaks. - Mm.
我们是要去看艳星的
We're going to meet porn stars.
说得好
Hello.
如果我现在要听小人仔的事
And the only tiny humans I want to hear about
我只想听到恋物癖范畴里的小人仔
are the ones in the fetish category.
朋友们 别破坏了这麽美好的氛围好吗
Hey, guys, do not ruin this.
今晚我想嗨起来
I need this.
上次琳妮能让我晚上出去
Last time Leanne let me out after dark
是跑到塔尔吉百货呢
it was for a midnight run to Target.
我们需要点猫砂
We just needed kitty litter,
但那天晚上我总算有17分钟是自♥由♥的
but for 17 minutes I was free.
但是 最佳老公是属于米奇的
But hey, man of the hour is Mitch.
琳妮一知道我和你一起
Once Leanne found out you were coming,
她就放下心了
she felt a lot better about this whole outing.
- 布里安纳也是这样 - 啥 为什麽
- Brianna too. - What? Why?
因为我们老婆不认可的或是觉得不好的事
Because you make things that our wives find wrong
只要是你做的他们就觉得没事
or sketchy seem totally fine.
顺便说一下
Yeah, oh, by the way,
如果琳妮问起来 就说我们在看湖人的比赛
if Leanne asks, we are at a Lakers game.
就算和米奇在一起 她也不会
Even with Mitch here, she would not have signed off
同意让我去成♥人♥电♥影♥颁奖典礼的
on the Adult Film Awards.
人家一点都不开心
Guys, I am just so unhappy.
别再翻拉塞尔的推特简讯了
Stop checking Russell's Twitter feed.
回到我们的游戏上吧
Let's get back to our game.
到你了 真心话还是大冒险
Ur turn. Truth or dare?
不玩了 每次我说大冒险
No, because every time I say dare,
你都逼我做肥皂
you dare me to make soap.
什麽鬼 某个女的给拉塞尔发了她的双乳
What the hell? Some girl just tweeted Russell her boobs!
- 什麽 给我看看 - 她手里拿著
- What? Let me see. - She's holding
两张爆笑工厂的票放在靶心上
two Laugh Factory tickets over the bull's-eyes,
看看这条信息
and check out the message.
"週四你给我看你的某个部位
"Loved your set on Thursday.
这是我的" #文字梗
Here's my set." #WordPlay?
你在笑什麽
Why you laughing?
我喜欢文字梗
I love wordplay.
琪琪 这是粉丝的胸
Ang, these are fan boobs, okay?
今晚拉塞尔走上舞台的时候
When Russell gets up on stage at night,
就好像是大众情人
it's like he's everyone's date.
那是他的工作
That's his job.
但是没关係
But it doesn't matter,
他最后还是会回家找你
because he comes home to you
还有你超讚的自製肥皂
and your amazing, homemade soap.
你说的有道理
You're right. Makes sense.
我没事
I'm cool.
你不会又给他发了吧 麦琪小贱♥人♥
Oh, no, you did not tweet again, Tits McGee!
"我想要张你的照片 亲亲抱抱"
"Would love a pic of you. Xoxo"?
这头贱牛在挑衅我 我要给拉塞尔打电♥话♥
This heifer's getting aggressive. I'm calling Russell.
别呀 可别变成那种的妻子啊
Ok, no, come on, look, don't be that wife.
我们又不能控制其他女人的行为
We can't control what other women do.
还有 难道你不相信拉塞尔吗
Besides, don't you believe in Russell?
当然相信 他是个好男人
Yeah, yeah, he's the best.
我的灵魂伴侣 美妙无比的婚姻
I found my soul mate. Marriage is incredible.
嗯 说真的
All right, seriously,
拉塞尔可能都不会回复这些 过路婊
it's not like Russell replied to this "rando."
他可能都不知道这双奶的存在
He probably doesn't even know that these boobs exist.
快看这美胸
Check out these boobs.
哇喔
Ooh!
这可是不是有奶的乳♥房♥♥
Oh, those did not breastfeed.
米奇 这就是你让人有安全感的原因
Okay, Mitch, see, this is why you're the safe one.
因为你看到乳♥房♥♥就想到 "奶水"
'Cause you're the guy that sees boobs and thinks, "Milk."
那是谁的乳♥房♥♥
Whose are those?
是某些粉丝的
Just some fan.
我基本隔几周就能收到这样的推文
I probably get a tweet like this every couple weeks.
哇 你真走运
Oh, you are so lucky.
我还是更喜欢我老婆的那双奶