老实说（2015）

我觉得你们几个都没把我的试镜当回事儿
I feel like you guys are not taking my audition seriously.
很多著名的喜剧演员都是从拍商业广♥告♥起步的好吗
A lot of famous comedians started out doing commercials.
对 但是没有人是在冰酸奶的广♥告♥中
Yes, but none of them were dressed as a snowman
靠打扮成雪宝来发家的
for a frozen yogurt company.
凯文 哈特是靠给一个搞笑讥讽的
Kevin Hart was the voice of a delightfully
麻子脸配音而出道的
sarcastic pimple.
凯文 哈特：美国著名喜剧演员
- 是吗 - 我怎么知道 我又没写他的传记
- Was he? - What am I, his biographer?
重点是 一切总得有个开头
Point is, you gotta start off somewhere.
看这个
Check it out.
世上你最爱的人刚刚
Your favorite person in the world just
解决了咱们孩子托管的问题
solved our babysitter problem.
卢克 天行者刚刚解决了
Luke Skywalker solved
咱孩子托管的问题吗
our babysitter problem?
卢克 天行者：《星球大战》系列电影的主角之一
猜猜你哪一个超级信仰宗教的邻居
Guess which one of our extremely religious neighbors
答应可以弄一个照看孩子的轮班制
has agreed to do a babysitter share?
- 请告诉我那不是我 - 不是你
- Please say the answer isn't me. - It's not.
感谢上帝
Thank you, Jesus.
高德曼他们家
The Goldmans.
呃 高德曼家 就没其他人选了吗
Ugh, the Goldmans? Anybody else.
因为你偷了艾维的回收垃圾桶而介怀吗
Is this about you stealing Avi's recycling can?
我没偷
I didn't steal it.
然而每个倒垃圾的日子里
And yet every trash day,
我都能感受到艾维·高德曼的臭脸
I get Avi Goldman's stink eye.
我没偷你的桶
I didn't take it!
我没有偷
I didn't...
你知道我想偷的是啥吗
You know what I'm gonna steal?
是你那根牙刷
Is that toothbrush!
我不知道谁偷的
I don't know.
星期四早上它还在那儿 下午就没了
Tuesday morning it's there, Tuesday afternoon, poof.
我觉得是那个黑人偷了
My guess is the black guy took it.
别误会
It's not what you think.
他就是个超级种族主义者
He's just a horrible racist.
从明天开始 我们每周照看
Starting tomorrow, two days a week
高德曼家的玛雅两天
we'll be looking after the Goldman's daughter, Maya.
莎蒂每周也过去他们家两天
And two days a week, Sadie will be going over there
由他们的临时保姆盖瑞照顾
with their babysitter, Gary.
天啦撸 天啦撸 男保姆
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Male babysitter?
那怎么能成
That's not a deal breaker?
唯一可能让我雇佣男保姆的
The only way I'm hiring a male babysitter,
情况就是 我没有孩子
is if I didn't have kids,
然后我只需要一个人来帮我修剪草地
and I just needed somebody to cut the grass.
即使如此 他也只能用水管喝水
And even then, he's only drinking out the water hose.
其实 盖瑞挺好的
Actually, Gary is great.
他给整个社区的孩子们教音乐
He teaches music to all the kids in the neighborhood.
尽管他自己没有孩子 他可是个孩子王
And even though he doesn't have kids, he's a Scoutmaster.
有一次他
This one time he took...
远离孩子们
Step away from the children.
不不不不
No, no, no, no.
社区里的妈妈们对他都很满意
All the neighborhood moms love him.
他就像个男版的玛丽·波平斯
He's like a male Mary Poppins.
玛丽·波平斯 : 电影"欢乐满人间"中的魔法保姆
他根本是盖瑞·波平斯
He's Gary Poppins.
记得吗 他就是那个
You remember, he's the one that did
用呼啦圈吹出大泡泡的人
the giant bubbles with the hula hoops.
- 噢 泡泡盖瑞 - 是啊
- Oh, bubble Gary. - Yeah.
他挺赞的
That guy's awesome.
我就站在我自己的泡泡里
I stood inside my own bubble.
那么 在周六 他就会带上他的泡泡
Well, on Saturday, he's bringing his bubbles
还有他的吉他来莎蒂的生日派对
and his guitar to Sadie's birthday party.
我惊呆了 你竟然还要开展现场娱乐活动
I'm surprised you're going with live entertainment
还记得去年的情况吗
after what happened last year.
对啊 我不知道你找的哪个机构
Yeah. I don't know what agency you used,
但是你雇来的那个公主
but that princess you hired
根本就不像样
was not a princess.
她不是脱衣舞娘
She wasn't a stripper.
宝贝 她有个皮条客
Babe, she had a handler.
嘿 别乱摸啊你
Hey, watch it with the fingerpaint.
我赌这灰姑娘在
When the clock strikes midnight,
午夜钟声敲响的时候会变回了妓♥女♥
I bet this Cinderella turns back into a hooker.
你根本不会明白我有多大压力
You just don't understand the kind of pressure I'm under.
这个派对一定要惊艳
This party has to be amazing.
孩子们会喜欢的
The kids are gonna love it.
他们肯定会喜欢 他们就是群傻孩子
Of course they're gonna love it, they're kids.
有蛋糕和冰淇淋 就会高兴得屁颠屁颠的
Fill them with cake and ice cream, they'll love anything,
她是愁那些妈妈们
It's the moms she's worried about.
不会吧 但是崔丝 重点是
Really? But, Trace, your whole thing is
你从来不在乎别人喜不喜欢你
you don't care if anyone likes you.
这就是大家都爱你的原因
That's why everyone loves you.
你顾忌她们干啥
Why do you care about them?
因为我是一个职场妈妈
Because I'm a working mom,
这意味着 每次我飞奔去办公室的时候
which means whenever I'm racing off to the office,
那些推着婴儿车的妈妈们
all the stroller moms are
就会端着手里的拿铁
peering over their lattes
用评判的眼神看着我
giving me judgy looks.
所以莎蒂的生日派对一定要完美
It's just Sadie's party has to be perfect.
哦 对了 我们还没收到你们的答复呢
Oh, hey, we didn't get your RSVP yet.
啊
Yeah.
你们真的想让我们去吗
Is that something y'all want us at?
不是因为去年那事儿
Not that last year wasn't great.
谁会想我还能在30多岁还会得红眼症呢
Who knew I could be in my 30s and get pink eye?
只是 我们可能是聚会上唯一一对
It's just that we'll probably be the only ones there
- 没有孩子的了 - 或是红眼症呢
- without kids. - Or pink eye.
真的 所以你们真的不想参加
Really? So you guys don't want to go?
你开玩笑的吧
You're kidding, right?
莎蒂的六岁生日不重要吗
Sadie's turning the big six-nothing.
- 我们当然要去 - 我们去定了啊
- Of course we're going. - Try and keep us away.
我的眼睛已开始痒痒的了
My eye already itches.
闺女们闺女们 别在沙发上蹦跶
Girls, girls, no jumping on the couch.
用屁♥股♥或者膝盖 屁♥股♥或膝盖
Tushie or knees. Tushie or knees.
屁♥股♥或膝盖
Tushie or knees.
也许第一轮的照看应该由我来
Maybe I should take the first playdate.
不是因为我不相信你
It's not that I don't believe in you.
我只是更相信我自己
I just believe in me more.
亲爱的你看看
Honey, look at the couch.
你看到的 是已成功执行的
What you are seeing is the successful implementation
只允许"屁♥股♥或膝盖"政策
of the Tushie or Knees Policy.
一切都会顺利的
It's gonna be smooth sailing.
但是若有万一 情况突变急转直下
But in the unlikely event that this playdate takes a nosedive,
我给你留了"冰雪奇缘"的DVD在这儿
I am leaving the "Frozen" DVD right here.
哥才不需要电影的帮助
I don't need the crutch of screen time.
我把三个小时安排得妥妥的
I got the whole three hours planned out.
首先 我们从 手镯制♥作♥ 开始
First, we're gonna start off with bracelet making.
然后接下来
Then I'm locked and loaded
一个精心准备的寻宝游戏
on a pretty elaborate scavenger
在后院就要开展了
hunt in the backyard.
哦 剧透一下 看看那个树屋
Uh, spoiler alert, check the treehouse.
然后 我以这个大绝招收尾 砰砰棒
Then, I am closing with the big guns: boom whackers.
哈
Huh?
很有趣呢 我把DVD留这了
Super fun. I'm leaving the DVD right here.
你回家的时候它还会在原地的 因为
And that is where it will be when you get home, 'cause...
我完全能搞定
I got this.
停 停 孩子们停下
Stop! Stop! Girls, stop.
盒子上特别说明了不能用来打人
The box specifically says do not hit people.
来 做一些妈妈并不需要知道的有趣小事
Okay, fun little fact that Mommy doesn't need to know,
看 冰雪奇缘
"Frozen."
冰冰冰雪奇缘
Oh, ffff-rozen.
嗨 米奇 小人儿们
Hey, Mitch. Tiny humans.
我正要到浴室里跳我的热舞
I was about to hop in the shower for my fro-yo audition.
- 什么事 - 很快
- What's up? - Real quick.