老实说（2015）

难以置信 实在是难以置信
Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
是啊 这到底是个派对还是游戏之夜
Yeah, is it a party or is it a game night?
如果这是个游戏之夜 你应该提前说清楚的
If it's a game night, you have to say so in advance,
那我们就不去了
so we don't go.
智力拼图并不是一个游戏
And a puzzle is not a game.
只是个无聊的破事
It's a silent chore.
直觉告诉我他们永远都拼不成功
Something tells me they're never gonna finish.
我把边角的拼图都拿走了
I took all the corner pieces.
你知道那个叫卡蒂的女孩吗
Um, hey, you know that girl Katie?
- 你觉得她性感吗 - 不
- Did you think she was hot? - No.
你说不
You said no?
- 他竟然说不 - 新婚菜鸟才犯的错
- He said no. - Rookie marriage mistake.
新婚菜鸟才犯的错
Rookie marriage mistake.
基本上你就是在说
Basically what you're saying is,
"老婆 虽然我们在
"Hi, wife, we made some vows
朋友和上帝面前发过什麽誓
in front of our friends and God,
但我现在还是愿意当著你的面撒谎"
but what I'd love to do now is lie to your face."
我劝你别这样
I'll advised.
陪审团已经有结果了
Our jury has spoken.
- 所以她性感吗 - 只是脸蛋和身材性感
- So was she hot? - Just her face and body.
看到了吧 她也这麽觉得
See? Even she thinks so.
所以我应该做什麽 回答 "是" 吗
What was I supposed to do, say yes?
那会怎麽样
How would that go?
你知道那个叫卡蒂的女孩吗
Hey, you know that girl Katie?
你觉得她性感吗
Did you think she was hot?
在这个版本里 我是自杀式逆线行走
In that version, I steered into oncoming traffic.
你知道吗 这时你不是完全没有错的
You know, you're not completely blameless here.
不是完全没错...
Not completely blame...
- 等等 谁 我吗 - 是的就是你
- Wait, who, me? - Yeah who you.
为什麽你要明知山有虎偏向虎山行呢
Why ask the question if you don't want the answer?
我要说的是
All I'm saying is,
我知道有些问题
I've learned that there are certain questions
你没有问的必要
you just don't ask.
但是如果她碰巧就问了呢
But if she does happen to ask?
请允许我们这一对有经验的已婚夫妇
Allow an experienced married couple
来教你们如何驾驶
to teach you how to navigate.
请允许我们做你们的婚姻导航
Allow us to be your marital GPS,
如果你们愿意的话
if you will.
这会比拚那个智力拼图还糟糕
This is gonna be worse than making that puzzle.
你知道那个叫卡蒂的女孩吗
Hey, you know that girl Katie?
你觉得她性感吗
Did you think she was hot?
整了容谁都可以像她一样性感
With that amount of plastic surgery anyone can be hot.
- 哇哦 看看你 - 嗨
- Whoa, look at you. - Hey.
你真的知道自己在这做啥了
You actually know what you're doing in there, or what?
我当然知道
Of course I do.
我正在试著让我的手从浮动旋塞中出来
I'm just trying to get my hands around this ball cock.
浮动旋塞这里暗指小鸡鸡
我是个成年人了
I'm an adult.
不会再指著这些梗大笑
Not gonna swing at the low-hanging fruit.
但是 有个消息
But, on a related note,
猜猜我搞到了什麽 在这週六晚上
guess what I got for us on Saturday night?
成♥人♥电♥影♥奖的贵宾邀请
A VIP invite to the Adult Film Awards.
你认真的吗 三♥级♥片♥中的奥斯卡
Are you serious? The Oscars of porn?
唯一一个奖盃还带电池的颁奖典礼
The only awards show where the trophies take batteries.
我想其中一个类别是最佳"鸡蛋"奖
I think one of the categories is best ball cock.
- 该死的 我还是说了这梗 - 你还是说了
- Damn it, I swung at it. - Yeah, you did.
他们为什麽会邀请你
Why'd they invite you?
难道你是那五个看黄♥片♥还付钱的人之一吗
Are you one of the five people that's still paying for porn?
这与本案无关
Irrelevant.
我拿到它是因为我的推特超火爆
I got it because my Twitter is blowing up.
他们给一群喜剧演员发送了邀请
They sent invites to a bunch of comedians
让我们去了发推特介绍它
so we'll go and tweet about it.
这是三♥级♥片♥想要走向主流的一种尝试
It's part of porn's attempt to go mainstream.
愚蠢的三♥级♥片♥
Silly porn.
永远不会成为真正的电影的
You'll never be real movies.
我拿到了四张通行证
I got four passes.
你 我 吉姆还有哈德逊 我们会痛快的浪一晚上
You, me, Jim, Hudson, we'll make a night of it.
这酷毙了 也许我们应该都穿背心去
Yeah, that's sweet. Maybe we should all wear vests.
开玩笑的 除非你觉得我们应该这麽穿
Kidding, unless you think we should.
那两个白♥痴♥在上面干嘛呢
What are those two idiots doing up there?
米奇在修马桶
Oh, Mitch is fixing the toilet.
噢 我不知道米奇这麽能干
Oh, I didn't know Mitch was handy.
他并不
He is not.
但这里有另一个婚姻之道要告诉你
But here's another marriage hack for you.
就是让他来修 然后打给水管工
Let him fix it, and then call a plumber
在他不在家的时候真正修好它
to actually fix it when he's not around.
我到一个能用的马桶
I get a working toilet.
米奇得到作为男人的自尊
Mitch gets a working ego.
双赢
Win-win.
所以 婚姻导航 我们要怎麽在妻子面前伪装
So, marital GPS, what's our cover with the wives?
去棒球打击练习场? 卡丁车比赛? 激光枪战游戏?
Batting cages? Go-cart racing? Laser tag?
首先 以上的事我们都要做 也许穿著背心做
First off, we should do all those things, maybe in vests.
第二 从不撒谎
Second, never lie!
你从"卡蒂性感与否"之事中还没学会吗
Have you learned nothing from, "Do you think Katie's hot?"
我们去和我们妻子谈谈 看看她们怎麽说
Let's just talk to our wives. See what they say.
你知道的 讲实话
You know, tell the truth.
- 看起来风险很大啊 - 看好了
- Seems risky. - Just watch.
现在吗
Whoa, now?
导航 改变路线 改变路线!
GPS, reroute! Reroute!
猜猜谁修好了马桶
Guess who fixed the toilet?
我能干的英雄
My handy hero.
第一时间解决问题的才是真正英雄
Well, first responders are the real heroes.
太感谢你了 宝贝
Thanks so much, honey.
有点事要解释给你听
Hey, just something to run by you.
慢慢来
Ease into it.
拉塞尔拿到了几张週六三♥级♥片♥颁奖礼的票
Russell got tickets to the porn awards on Saturday.
我特别说了"慢"这个字
I specifically said, "Ease."
为什麽你想去参加那玩意
And why do you want to go to that?
我也...也不是很想去
It's... it's not so much that I want to go.
他们想让我去那发推特推广它
They want me there tweeting to promote it.
这是个巨大机遇
It's a huge opportunity.
宝贝 你的男人要起飞了
Babe, your man is taking off.
我这个星正在闪耀 无人能阻挡我
My star is rising, and nothing can stop me.
所以我告诉他们我可能会去
So I told them maybe.
一点点可能
Soft... soft maybe.
人们真的会关心
Do people really care enough about
你有没有推特它吗
Twitter for you to do this?
是的 宝贝 不是所有人
Yes, babe, not everyone
都还用那个小蛋蛋当作他们的头像
still has that little egg as their profile picture.
推特预设头像为一隻蛋
我喜欢那个蛋
I like the egg.
无论如何 我们只是想
Anyway, we just wanted to
在犯罪之前先向你们认罪
run this past you before we commit.
这是那种像是
Isn't this that thing that's like,
一群半裸著的表演者
the ridiculous variety show
想要来一个有关性的诚恳的演讲
with a bunch of half-naked "performers,"
而进行的可笑的杂耍表演吗
trying to give heartfelt speeches about having sex?
- 它是更有名望的 - 就是这种
- Well, it's more prestigious... - That's the one.
听著挺滑稽的 玩得愉快
Sounds hilarious. Have a good time.
真的吗
Really?
是啊
Yeah.
谁不想去看怪咖秀
Who wouldn't want to go to that freak show?
呃 崔丝 有些东西在厨房♥
Uh, Trace, uh, there's a thing in the kitchen.
能过来看看吗
Could you some see the thing?
你刚刚是什麽意思
What are you doing?
你是想让我把我老公送去
You expect me to send my husband
一窝专业啪啪啪的人里吗
into a den of professional sex people?
他说这对他的事业有好处
Look, he says it's for his career.
你不相信他吗
Don't you trust him?
我相信他
Oh, I trust him.
当他看到本地气象员的时候
It's just that he freaked out