婚外情事

The Affair S02E10

Part 2 Dec. 4, 2019, 10:38 a.m.

我想谈的是这个
I was hoping we could deal with.
你离婚了
You're divorced.
正式离婚了
It's official.
我两周前收到的...
It came two weeks ago, and...
我还没给艾莉森看
...I haven't shown it to Alison yet.
我一直在想冷泉村
I keep thinking about Cold Spring.
如果那时我收到这封信我肯定会马上
If I got this letter back then, I'd have grabbed her
拉她去市政厅登记结婚
and run to City Hall immediately.
现在呢
And now?
我也不知道如果说
I don't know, if there's one thing
过去这一年我学到了什么那就是
I've learned this past year and through all this,
凡事三思而后行
it's to think before I act.
我想确定我们准备好了
Just want to be certain we're ready.
你觉得你没准备好吗
Do you feel that you're not?
我准备好了
I think I am.
但是艾莉森没准备好吗
But not Alison?
如果她在这你给她看了
So what do you think she might say
那你觉得她会说什么
if she were here, if you showed her this?
我不知道
I don't know.
这就是我想说的
That's my point.
你担心她拒绝你吗
Are you afraid she might say no?
担心她不想嫁给你
That she doesn't want to get married?
跟你一起生活吗
Build a life together?
因为这个我们...我们已经谈过很多次了
Because we've--we've talked about that a lot in here,
信任问题
these issues of trust.
确实用了一段时间但我觉得艾莉森...
And it's taken a while, but I think Alison--
我发现她盯着我看
I catch her staring at me.
什么
Sorry?
我跟琼妮在一起的时候
With Joanie.
我...好多次都是这样
I--it happens all the time.
我喂她或者帮她穿衣服的时候
I'm feeding her cereal or getting her dressed,
我发现艾莉森盯着我们看
and I--I see Alison watching us.
不只是看
And it's not just looking.
她像是要看出什么
It's like she's trying to figure something out.
看什么
What?
我不知道
I don't know.
看我想不想要这孩子吧
Whether or not I want the baby.
我理解她为什么这样
I mean, I understand why she's doing it.
我做的事很糟
What I did was terrible.
没赶上她生孩子
Not making it back for the birth.
她或许那时就该离开我
You know, she probably should've left me then.
换我也会
I would've left me.
但她没有
But she didn't.
我知道我也很感激
I know, and I'm incredibly grateful for that,
这一年我都在想着补偿她
and I spent this entire year trying to make it up to her.
给孩子换尿布学做饭
I changed a thousand diapers, I taught myself to cook,
我还洗碗叠衣服
I washed the dishes, I folded the laundry,
几乎一个字都没写
I've barely written a fucking word,
只想向她证明
all to try to prove to her
我很后悔自己的疯狂行为
how sorry I am for my insanity.
你做了很多努力诺亚
You've done a tremendous amount, Noah.
我觉得艾莉森明白
I think Alison knows that.
但这还不够
Except that isn't enough.
为什么不够
Why isn't it enough?
我不知道
I don't know.
她看我的时候我就有这感觉
It's just how I feel when she's looking at me.
好吧我们... 别看手♥机♥了
Okay, can we-- no more phone.
我们先专心聊聊这个
Let's stick with this for a minute.
聊聊这些表情
Let's look at these looks.
你觉得艾莉森是在批判你吗
You feel some sort of judgment from Alison?
是的吧
I guess.
这不是你第一次跟我提过了
This isn't the first time you've brought this up in here.
我记得关于惠特尼你也说了一样的话
I remember you said something similar about Whitney.
是吗
I did?
对你上次看到她
Yes, how the last time you saw her,
她对你的表情非常轻蔑
she looked at you with tremendous scorn.
失望
Disappointment.
还有你形容海伦第一次听到
And then there was the way you described how Helen looked at you
你跟艾莉森出轨的样子
when you first told her about Alison.
你为什么要说这些
I don't understand where you're going with this.
你生命中有三个女人
So these three women in your life,
你形容她们看你的表情都一样
you describe as looking at you in similar ways.
带着批判
With--With judgment.
但原因都不同
For very different reasons.
是我只是好奇她们之间会不会
Okay, but I'm just wondering if there might be some
有什么联♥系♥ 值得发掘
connection between them that we should explore.
比如什么
Like what?
我说不好
I'm not sure.
你想到什么了吗
Does anything come to mind for you?
我想操露西·科斯科夫
I want to fuck Lucy Koskoff.
那是谁
Who's Lucy Koskoff?
我的学生
She's my student.
说实话是我最好的学生
She's my best student, in fact.
该死
Damn it.
她26岁才华横溢
She's 26, she's hugely talented,
总是来我办公室
she comes to my office hours
带自己的小说章节给我看
and brings me chapters from her novel.
她想聊聊我的小说
She wants to talk about my novel.
也说得很清楚
And she's also made it very clear
自己随时可以跟我上♥床♥
that she'd sleep with me at the drop of a hat.
其实我下午四点要跟她见面
In fact, I'm meeting her today at four
聊聊改写的问题
to talk over her rewrites.
我知道自己不该去但不想取消
I know I shouldn't go, but I can't bring myself to cancel.
你也开始批判我了
Talk about judgmental stares.
我没有批判诺亚是在思考
I'm not judging, Noah. I'm just thinking.
别思考有话就说
Well, don't--just-- just say something.
你想让我说什么
What would you like me to say?
随便我...
Anything, I'd--
告诉我现在是在干什么
I want you to tell me what we're doing here.
找我谈话是为什么
What all this is for, really?
我说你听
All this talking and listening--
就算我明白
Even if I understand, I--I grasp
抓得住自己这些
all the deep and painful reasons
所作所为的一切深层原因
why I did what I did and I want what I want.
觉得自己不够格当作家
I felt dismissed as a writer,
迟迟拖延不结婚
I've held back in my marriage.
我极度渴望认同成功
I was craving acknowledgement, success.
就算我知道了又有什么用
I mean, what does it mean for me to know all that
我还是满脑子只想着
if I still just end up wishing
露西能别再说什么比喻
Lucy would quit talking metaphors
而是让我脱♥光♥了
so I could take off all her clothes
摁在桌上干一炮
and just bend her over my desk?
我猜她不是第一个了
She isn't the first, I'm guessing.
什么
What?
科斯科夫小姐不是第一个
Ms. Koskoff can't be the first woman
你想与之偷♥情♥的人
you've wanted to cheat with.
你和海伦20年的婚姻里
You were attracted to other people
也被别人吸引过
during your 20 years with Helen.
你说得好像真的一样
You say that like it's a fact.
那你没有吗
Oh, then you weren't?
当然有
Well, of course I was.
那你行动过吗
And did you ever act on it?
没有你知道的
No. You know that.
我只和艾莉森有过
No, I was faithful except for Alison.
但你现在怎么害怕自己会行动
Then why are you so afraid you would act on it now?
因为这次不一样
Because it's different.
因为你已经和艾莉森这样做过一次
Because of Alison, because you've already done it once.
这种想法
This is not uncommon
在因偷♥情♥相爱的恋情中很常见
in people whose relationships began as affairs.
你怕自己已经堕落过一次
This fear that because you've strayed once,