爱你，维克托

西蒙 我有大新闻
Simon, I have big news.
米娅和我正式交往了
Mia and I are officially in a relationship.
她算是我最喜欢一起玩的人
She's basically my favorite person to hang out with.
我家人也很喜欢她
And my family loves her, too.
我知道你要问我什么
And I know what you're gonna ask me,
所以我就直说了
so I'll save you the trouble.
身体上的交流其实还挺棒的
The physical stuff is actually awesome.
米娅的双唇超级软
Mia's lips are mad soft,
她的唇彩尝起来像蓝树莓
and she wears this lip gloss that tastes like blue raspberry,
正是我最爱的佳得乐口味
which is my favorite flavor of Gatorade.
在这不行
Not here.
人太多了 我可不想当着人家面秀恩爱
There's too many people. Don't want to rub it in their faces.
西蒙 一切都很棒
Yeah, Simon. Everything's great.
我不知道我在怕什么
I don't know what I was so scared of.
爱你，维克托
第一季 第六集
阴♥道♥
The vagina.
你们当中的一些人有
Some of you have them.
一些人亲眼看过
Some of you have seen them,
还有一些人只听过它们的传说
and some of you have only heard stories.
我卧室也有那张海报
You know, I have that same poster in my bedroom.
今天别考验我的耐心 安德鲁 我在间歇禁食
Don't test me today, Andrew. Okay? I'm intermittent fasting.
各位 拿张练习题 都填好
Uh, everybody, take a worksheet. Fill out all the parts.
还有 别问我怎么拼输卵管
And, uh, don't ask me how to spell Fallopian tube,
因为我也不知道
because I don't know.
我猜你和维克托
I guess you and Victor are probably
这些天经常进行性教育吧
doing a lot of sex ed these days, right?
你能成熟点吗 安德鲁
Could you grow up, Andrew?
抱歉
Sorry.
就是在这研究我的阴♥道♥
Just be over here. Working on my vagina.
什么情况
What was that?
什么意思
What do you mean?
好吧 我说
Okay, fine.
只是维克托喜欢慢慢来
Uh, it's just that Victor likes to take things slow.
非常慢
Like, really, really slow.
-等等 你们到哪一步了 -我们接吻了
- Wait, how far have you guys gone? - We've kissed.
-舌吻 -当然
- With tongue? - Of course.
好吧 我们的舌头绝对彼此擦过了
Okay. Our tongues have definitely... grazed.
他是处♥男♥吗
Is he a virgin?
我不知道 也许吧
I don't know. Probably.
-但你准备好了 -我想是的
- But you're ready. - I think so.
我绝对想进展到下一层面 或者任何层面
I definitely want to take things to the next level. Or any level.
我们有点困在原地了
We've kind of been stuck on the ground.
天啊 我真的很喜欢他
God, and I really like him.
处♥男♥处♥女♥即将大战一场
Two virgins about to make passionate love.
就像莎士比亚改编电影一样
It's like a Shakespeare movie.
好了 你要做的第一件事就是
Okay, so the first thing you need to do is just
给他发一两条调情短♥信♥
send him a sexy message or two.
我就那么一说 有时你得
I'm just saying, sometimes you have to
告诉男人准备好接受他们的攻势了
show a guy that you're open to their advances.
举个例子
Par example...
溪木镇树洞
本周性感尤物
你自己发帖说自己是尤物
You posted that about yourself?
对 但用的是我的化名 "杰姬·圣布恩"
Yeah, but under my pseudonym: "Jackie St. Boon."
这是不是有点太饥渴了
Okay, isn't that a little desperate?
我只是往水里扔点鱼饵
I'm just throwing some chum in the water
等着鲨鱼上钩
and waiting for the sharks to come.
抱歉 刚看了《大白鲨》
Sorry, I just saw Jaws.
没《鲨海47》精彩 不过是部好片
It's not as good at 47 Meters Down, but it's solid.
今日任务
独白
"我可爱过吗 说真的
Was I lovable once? Really?
我曾经可爱过吗
Was I ever lovable?
我在问你 你是否何时
I'm asking if you found me...
曾觉得我可爱过
lovable at one stage?
我承认这话是在吊你胃口 而你目前
Well, I admit it is a teaser and you've done
已经超前做了许多
more than your bit already for the time being,
所以就..." 什么情况
so just..." What on Earth?
我毫无头绪
I have no idea.
她丈夫好像叫威利
I think her husband was named Willy
把她关在了一个箱子里
or something and trapped her in a box.
不 不是说独白 米娅
No, not the monologue. Mia.
"我想念你强健的腿"
"I miss your muscular legs."
我去 她真想要你啊
Holy cow, she wants you bad.
我该怎么回她
What should I write back?
我不知道 没人想念过我的腿
I don't know. Nobody's ever missed my legs before.
他给我的消息点了赞
He thumbsed-up my text.
等等 你写的这个
Wait. That's what you wrote?
让熟♥女♥蕾可接手吧
Let Mama Lake take it from here.
-蕾可 别闹 -别催我 我是艺术家
- Lake, come on. - Do not rush me. I am an artist.
给 搞定了 不用谢
There. Done. You're welcome.
蕾可
Lake!
"但我有直觉 不要..."
"But something tells me, do not..."
看来某人即将在午夜热舞了
Looks like somebody's gonna be dancing the midnight macarena.
我想不是 她只是请我去她家
I don't think so. I think she just invited me to her house
还有一堆表情符号♥
with a whole bunch of emojis?
她要么是想给你做乳酪烤茄子
Either she's gonna be making you eggplant Parmesan,
要么你周五就要上三垒了
or you're getting lucky this Friday.
"还有包不要太夸张"
"And do not overdo the bag..."
拉花艺术
Latte art.
让你想到了谁吗
Remind you of anyone?
史蒂夫·哈维
Steve Harvey?
是德里克
It's Derek.
现在看出来了
Yeah, I see it now.
周五是我们的一周年纪念日
Friday is our one year anniversary.
我们本应该去市里看他朋友的乐队演出 但...
We're supposed to go see his friend's band downtown, but...
我想给他准备点浪漫惊喜
I want to do something romantic for him.
你们第一次约会去的哪儿
Where'd you go for your first date?
我们在一家老旧的意式餐厅吃了意面和肉丸
We got spaghetti and meatballs at this corny Italian place.
食物还不错
The food was good,
不过那家店最后被卫♥生♥部♥门关停了
but it ended up getting shut down by the health department.
天啊 我真爱肉丸 如此丑陋 如此美味
God, I love meatballs. So ugly. So delicious.
好吧
Okay.
也许 我知道这有点俗
Maybe, I mean, this is a little cheesy,
不过你可以重现你们的初次约会
but you could recreate your first date.
你可以打造自己的意式餐厅
You could have your own Italian restaurant,
但只有你和德里克
but just you and Derek.
我可以关门后在这儿做
I could do it here after we close.
点些蜡烛 放上意大利手风琴音乐
Light some candles, put on some Italian accordion music.
对
Yeah.
维克托 谁能想到你这么浪漫
Wow, Victor. Who knew you were such a romantic?
米娅真幸运
Mia is a lucky lady.
是啊 她最幸运了
Yeah. She's the luckiest.
好了 你说这话时 为什么又一脸
Okay, why'd you just do your uncomfortable scrunch face
扭曲不安
when you said that?
我周五要跟米娅约会
Okay, I'm hanging out with Mia on Friday.
你听上去不怎么激动
You don't sound excited.
我觉得米娅是想进行到下一步
I think Mia wants to take things to the next level,
而我... 你懂的
and I'm... you know.
你是处♥男♥
You're a virgin.
没关系 你得放松
That's fine. You've just gotta relax.
如果我都能跟女生上♥床♥ 任何人都可以
If I can have sex with girls, anybody can.
等等 但你是...
Wait, you- But you're...
同志
Gay?
我知道
I know.
那还是我没探明性取向的时候了
This was back when I was figuring things out.
原来人的性取向并不是一条直线
Turns out human sexuality is less of a straight line,
更像是太阳马戏团的演出
and more of a Cirque du Soleil show.
漫长 困惑
Long, confusing,
沿途全是性感的小丑
and full of sexy clowns.
是啊
Yep.
妹子 我感觉到了
Ooh, girl, you are serving me up