爱你，维克托

你的 朋友很有品味
Your, um, friend has amazing taste.
我很期待你跟她见面
I'm excited for you to meet her.
是啊 我都等不及了
Yeah, I can't wait.
我忍♥不了这样的晚餐了
I just can't, with this dinner.
每次我爸爸交新的女朋友
Every time my dad gets a new girlfriend,
她们都变得越来越年轻 也更笨
they just get younger and dumber.
他开什么车来着
What kind of car does he drive again?
那 如果你周五要跟他女朋友见面
So, if you're meeting the girlfriend on Friday,
是不是就意味着你不能来看比赛了
does that mean you can't come to the game?
不 我可以两边兼顾
Oh, no. I can do both.
蕾可要跟我一起去吃晚餐
Lake, here, is coming with me to the dinner,
这样她就可以早点带我走
so she can get us out of it early.
-怎么做 -我可是借口女王 所以
- How? - Oh, uh, I'm the excuse queen, so...
-那是什么意思 -意思是...
- What does that mean? - Well, it means...
天啊
Oh, my God.
朋友们 我弟弟吞进了个高尔夫球
Uh, you guys, my little brother just swallowed a golf ball,
-现在他在医院 -什么
- and now he's in the hospital. - What?
天啊 他还好吗
Oh, my gosh. Is he okay?
借口女王
Excuse queen.
天哪 你就是下一个朱迪·丹奇
Oh, my God. That-- You're like, the next Judi Dench.
那你们为什么这么确定
So, how are you guys so sure
你♥爸♥爸的下一任女友会很差劲呢
your dad's girlfriend's gonna be terrible?
因为她们都很差劲
'Cause they're all terrible.
从我酗酒的妈妈开始
Starting with my drunk mother,
她在我十二岁生日那天自己去了戒酒所
who checked herself into rehab on my 12th birthday,
之后再也没回来
and never came back.
对不起 我刚刚开了个玩笑
Sorry. We had good banter going.
我说得好吗 我说得好
Did I kill it? I killed it.
我很抱歉 米娅 我知道你妈妈不在
I'm so sorry, Mia. I, I knew your mom wasn't around, and--
没关系 都是很久以前的事了
No, it's fine. It was a long time ago.
我早就释怀了
I am very over it.
真是奇怪 在你妈妈离开之前
It's weird. Before your mom left,
我曾经还觉得她是最酷的
I used to think she was the coolest.
我想我们并不是每次都知道
I guess we don't always know
父母之间到底发生了什么
what's going on with our parents.
即使妈妈根本不可能会做
Even though there's no way Mom did
你认为她做的事 我们也需要答案
what you think she did, we need answers.
我去 妈妈的掌上明珠跟她作对了
Damn. Mom's little golden boy turned on her.
我没有 我只想证明他就是个跟踪狂
I didn't turn. I just want to prove he's some random stalker,
然后继续我们的生活
and move on with our lives.
所以我们就直接问她 他是谁吗
So, should we just ask her who he is?
不行 她会编一些谎话
No way. She'd just make up some lie.
那你觉得我们该怎么做
So, what do you think we should do?
我已经在做了
I've already been doing it.
我装成妈妈 给他发了一天的消息
I've been messaging him all day as Mom.
-皮拉 -怎么了 她不会知道的
- Pilar! - What? She won't know.
还有听着 他周五要来亚特兰大
And get this. He's coming to Atlanta
参加一个会议
on Friday to attend a conference,
并且他想见妈妈
and he wants to see Mom.
这不太好
That's not good.
他唯一想参加的会议是在妈妈裤子里
The only conference he's trying to attend is in Mom's pants.
我觉得我们应该替她去跟他见面
I think we should go meet up with him in her place.
-但在你否定之前 -就这么做吧
- But before you say no-- - Let's do it.
真的
Really?
真的
Really.
好了
All right.
记住 进去 出来
Now remember, get in, get out.
跟哈罗德的新玩伴见面
Meet Harold's new playmate.
当她向我们展示那些可能是以《单身汉》选手
Smile blankly as she shows us pictures of her Chihuahuas
命名的吉娃娃的照片时 记得假笑
that are probably named after Bachelor contestants.
听听她对于开设新的珠宝生产线的想法
Hear about how she's thinking of starting a new jewelry line.
到了八点整 我就帮我们找个借口
And at eight on the dot, I'll excuse queen our way
直接去看维克托的比赛
straight to Victor's game.
#不是第一次参加牛仔竞技
Hashtag "Not My First Rodeo."
米娅 亲爱的 她到了
Mia, sweetheart, she's here.
你好吗
How ya doin'?
真是怪了
Hmm. This is weird.
她差不多是我的两倍大 所以不是他的菜
She's like, twice my age. So not his type.
她床上功夫一定很好
She must be great in the sack.
你为什么这样说
Like, why would you say that?
怎么了 老一点的女人
What? An older woman knows
比起年轻女人懂的更多
how to do things a young woman doesn't.
你懂的 在浴室里
You know, in the ba?o.
我想你指的是闺房♥吧 你说的那个指浴室
I think you mean in the boudoir. Ba?o means bathroom.
真重口
Ooh. Kinky.
米娅 蕾可
Mia. Lake.
请你们认识一下维罗妮卡
I want you to meet Veronica.
-嗨 -嗨
- Hi. - Hi.
-很高兴认识你 -嗨 米娅
- It's very nice to meet you. - Hi, Mia.
我几周前就等着想见你了
I've been waiting to meet you for weeks,
但你亲爱的老爸还觉得为时过早
but your dear old dad thought it might be too soon.
我们待会儿可以聊聊他有多固执
We can talk about his stubbornness later.
别这样说 并不全是我的问题 好吗
Please, it wasn't just me, all right?
她完全被工作淹没了
She's been swamped with work.
维罗妮卡发起了一个全球女性的进步倡议
Veronica runs the Global Women's Advancement Initiative.
是珠宝生产线吗
Mm-hmm. Is that a jewelry line?
不 实际上是个非盈利的组织
No, actually it's a nonprofit
通过经济和社会倡议活动来支持女性
that supports women through economic and social initiatives.
她在尽全力让这个世界更美好
She's out there trying to make the world a better place.
这是我爱她的一个原因
That's one thing I love about her.
好了 有谁饿了吗
All right, so who's hungry?
我尝试做了这道高级的羊肉菜
I tried to make this fancy lamb thing,
但 我想确保
but, uh, I want to make sure that
我们有足够的时间点外卖♥♥
we have enough time to order takeout
-万一它难以下咽的话 -我相信会很好吃
- just in case it's inedible. - I'm sure it's gonna be great.
他会做饭 这是我爱他的一个原因
He cooks, which is one of the things I love about him.
来吧 先给你倒点酒
Come on, let's get you some wine.
我们怎么知道谁是罗杰
How do we know which one is Roger?
他唯一的资料照片是一只狗
His only profile picture is a dog.
快看那个男的
Oh! Look at that guy.
一人坐着 两杯酒 显然在等人
By himself. Two drinks. Obviously waiting for someone.
再加上 他看起来就像个罗杰
Plus, he looks like a Roger.
怎么会有人看起来像个罗杰
How does someone look like a Roger?
卡其裤 后移的发际线 防风夹克
The khakis. The receding hairline. The windbreaker.
我开始觉得这不是个好主意
I'm starting to think this was a bad idea.
我要上了
I'm going in.
哦 请保持冷静 还有
Oh, please stay calm, and--
或许我来谈更好
or better yet, just let me do the talking.
-这样会更好 -嘿
- It'd be better-- - Hey!
我们知道你是谁 我们也知道你为何在这
We know who you are, and we know why you're here.
-伊莎贝尔已经有家庭了 -什么
- Isabel already has as a family. - What?
对 她有一个丈夫和三个孩子
Yeah. She has a husband and three kids
并且她非常爱她的孩子们
who she loves very, very much.
所以你必须离我们的妈妈远点
So you need to leave our mom alone.
谁他妈是伊莎贝尔
Who the hell is Isabel?
我也不知道
I have no idea!
是那个跟你一直在电♥话♥上聊的女人 是吗
It's that woman you're always on the phone with, isn't it?
我们已经说过这个了 那是Siri
We've been over this. That's Siri!
她不是人 她是我的手♥机♥
She's not a person. She is my phone.
我觉得他不是罗杰
I don't think that was Roger.
没错 我们太蠢了
Uh, yeah! That was stupid.
虽然我很喜欢破坏陌生人的婚姻
And as much as I love ruining random strangers' marriages,
我还有一场球赛 要不我们...
I have a game to get to. So why don't we just...
怎么了
What?
我认识那个人
I know that guy.
他是爸爸以前的老板
That's Dad's old boss.
我以为雷蒙才是
I thought Ramon was his old boss.
雷蒙只是工头
Ramon was the foreman.
这...这个人才是真正的大老板
This... This guy was the big boss.
我之前在得州的公♥司♥节日聚会上见过他
I met him at the company holiday party back in Texas.