老爸老妈的浪漫史（2005）
How I Met Your Mother S01E01
Part 2
Aug. 2, 2021, 11:11 p.m.
再偷偷给她点一杯饮料……
I'll strategically place myself by the jukebox...
你见过Ted没有？
Hi, have you met Ted?
我猜猜，你应该是Ted了
Let me guess, Ted?
对不起，Lily，我真的很抱歉
Sorry, Lily, I'm so sorry.
送我们去医院
Take us to the hospital.
你是不是打了她？
Did you hit her?
打我？得了吧
Hit me? Please!
这小子连在床上打我屁♥股♥都不会
This guy can barely even spank me in bed for fun.
他就这么（轻拍一下）然后赶忙说：“哦，亲爱的，没弄疼你吧”
He's all like, 'Oh, honey, did that hurt?'
而我就说“使劲些，让我尝尝你的厉害，娘娘腔”
And I'm like, 'Oh, come on! Let me have you, pansy.'
哇哦，有个陌生人
Wow, complete stranger.
不不不不，没关系，继续说
No, it's OK, go on.
你是做哪一行的？
So what do you do?
我是都市新闻一台的记者
I'm a reporter from Metronews One.
算半个播报员吧
Kind of a reporter.
我总是在新闻之后播报一些无意义的小消息
比如……
I do those dumb little fluff pieces at the end of the news, you know, like,
猴子会弹ukulele
（夏威夷的四弦琴）
monkey can play the ukulele.
希望以后能够播报一些大新闻
I'm hoping to get some bigger stories soon.
大一点的？就好比……
大猩猩演奏贝丝？
Bigger like, gorilla with an upright bass?
不好意思，你看起来真漂亮
I'm sorry. You're really pretty.
你的朋友看起来心情不好
Oh, your friends don't seem too happy.
中间那个刚被男朋友甩了
所以今晚……
Yeah, see the one in the middle just got dumped by her boyfriend, so tonight,
所有男人都是“敌人”
every guy is the "enemy".
如果想要你朋友开心的话，你可以往我脸上泼饮料
我不介意的
You know if it'll make your friend feel better, you could throw a drink in my face. I don't mind.
她肯定会喜欢的
She would love that.
电影里这种情节都很有趣
It does look fun in the movies.
周六晚上有时间共进晚餐吗？
Hey, you want to have dinner with me Saturday night?
我周五要去Orlando一个星期
Oh, I can't. I'm going to Orlando for a week on Friday.
有个人要做一个世界上最大的蛋糕
我要负责这个报导
Some guy's attempting to make the world's biggest pancake. Guess who's covering it?
-这能报导一个星期？
-是的，他还会把蛋糕吃掉，这也是个世界纪录
-That's going to take a week?
-Yes. He's going to eat it, too. That's another record.
怎么回事那么久？
Hey, what's taking so long?
我知道这有些唐突，不过明晚怎么样？
I know this is a long shot, but how about tomorrow night?
好吧，管他呢
Yeah, what the hell?
混球！
Jerk!
真好玩
That was fun.
拒……稍等……绝了！
De -- wait for it -- nied!
拒绝了
Denied!
明晚佳人有约
We're going out tomorrow night.
我以为我们明晚一起玩激光枪大战呢
I thought we were playing laser attack tomorrow night!
没错，不过我从没打算玩激光枪大战
Yeah, I was never going to play laser attack.
第二天，我带她去了一家Brooklyn的小酒馆
The next night, I took her out to this little in Brooklyn.
哇哦，那可真是个蓝色的法国喇叭
（双关，亦可理解为法国色情电影）
Wow, that is one bad ass boof French horn.
看到它我就想起了蓝精灵的阳♥具♥
Yeah, so it looks like a smurf penis.
孩子们，给你们一些建议
Son, a piece of advice.
第一次约会的时候，你千万不要说“蓝精灵的阳♥具♥”
When you go on a first date, you really don't want to say 'smurf penis.'
一般情况下，女孩子们不想到这种东西
Girls don't ordinarilly like that.
不过这个女孩可不一般
But this was no ordinary girl.
Lily？
Lily?
你在这儿坐了多久了？
How have you been sitting there?
愚蠢的眼罩
The stupid odd patch!
老爸，老妈，我已经找到了未来的Ted Mosbie夫人
Mom, dad, I have found the future Mrs. Ted Mosbie!
Marshal，我都是怎么描述我的梦中情人的
Marshal, how have I always described my perfect woman?
我想想
I'll let see.
她爱狗
She likes dogs?
我有5支狗
I've got 5 dogs.
爱喝苏格兰威士忌
She drinks scotch?
我自从饮酒年龄开始就爱喝苏格兰威士忌了
I love a scotch that's old enough to own it's own scotch.
她喜欢引用《捉鬼敢死队》里的台词？
Can quote obsure lines from 'Ghost Busters?'
“Ray，要是别人问你是不是上帝
你就说是！”
'Ray, when someone ask you if you're God, you say yes!'
我把最带劲的留到最后
And I'm saving the best for last.
你想吃这个吗？我讨厌橄榄果
Do you want this? I hate olives.
她讨厌橄榄果，太棒了
She hates olives! Awesome!
橄榄果理论
The olive theory!
橄榄果理论来自于我的朋友Marshal和Lily
The olive theory is based on my friends Marshal and Lily.
他不喜欢橄榄果，而她喜欢
而奇怪的是他们却又是幸福的一对
He hates olives. She loves them. And that makes them such a great couple.
完美的平衡
Perfect balance.
要知道，我有一罐橄榄果
好像在我的冰箱里呆了足足一个世纪了
You know, I've had a jar of olives just sitting in my fridge forever.
我可以帮你脱手
I can take them off your hands.
它们都归你了
They are all yours.
哦，有戏了，有好戏要上演了！
Oh, it is on! It is on till that breakup done!
等等，这还不到10:30，怎么搞的？
Wait, it's only the break at 10:30. What happened?
我真想在自家壁炉上也挂一个蓝色的法国喇叭
I've got to get one of those boof French horns over my fireplace.
一定要是蓝色的，一定要是法国的
It's got to be blue. It's got to be French.
不要绿色的单簧管？
No green clarinet?
也不要紫色的大号♥？
No purple tuba?
这些都不能让我想起“假阳♥具♥”
It's a smurf penis. We are no dice.
总算找到你了
There you are.
有个要轻生的人，某个曼哈顿大桥上的疯子
We got a jumper, some crazy guy on the Manhattan Bridge.
快来，你来报导
Come on. You're covering it.
好的，我马上来
Alright, I'll be right there.
我很抱歉
I'm sorry.
今晚我过得很开心
I had a really great time tonight.
是啊
Yeah.
然后呢，你吻她了吗？
So? Did you kiss her?
没有，时机不对
No, the moment wasn't right.
听着，她可能就是我未来的妻子
我希望我们第一次接吻能够完美
Look, this woman could actually be my future wife. I want our first kiss to be amazing.
哦，Ted，你真体贴
Oh, Ted, that is so sweet!
于是你就像小女人一样退缩了
So you chickened out like a little bitch.
什么？我可没有退缩！
What? I did not chicken out.
说实话，我可用不着从某个……
海盗那里，探教初吻经验
You know what? I don't need to take a first kiss advice from some pirate
你大学第一周就不是单身一族了
who hasn't be single since the first week at college.
Ted，任何一个单身族都会这么说
Ted, anyone who's single would tell you the same thing.
最蠢的也不例外
Even the dumbest single person alive.
如果你不相信我，给他打个电♥话♥
And if you don't believe me? Call him.
嘿，烂人，不玩激光枪大战的感觉怎样？
因为玩激光枪大战酷毙了
Hey, loser? How's not playing laser attack? Because playing laser attack is awesome!
我已经把你干掉了，Conerd
小心我给你妈妈打电♥话♥
I killed you, connered. I'll make me get your mom.
听我说，有件事我想听听你的意见
Listen, I need your opinion on something.
好的，我们15分钟后在酒吧见……
OK, meet me at the bar in 15 minutes.
记着穿西服！！
Suit up!
这两位都说我退缩了
So these guys think I chickened out.
你怎么说
What do you think?
我不敢相信……
I can't believe
你还是没穿西服！
you're still not waring a suit!
她都没给我一个暗示
She didn't even give me the signal.
那又怎样，难道她得用眼睛眨莫尔斯码？
What? Is she going to bat her eyes at you in Morse code?
“Ted……吻我”
'Ted, kiss me.'
不用了，你直接吻好了
No, you just kiss her!
要是没有得到暗示就不行！
Not if you don't get the signal.
-Marshal给我暗示了吗？
-没有！
-Did Marshal give me the signal?
-No!
我没有，我发誓！
I didn't. I swear.
至少我知道Marshal和我之间是不可能的
今晚可以睡个安稳觉
At least tonight I get to sleep knowing Marshal and me, never going to happen.
你本该吻她
You should have kissed her.
我本该吻她的
I should have kissed her.
下个星期她就要从Orlando回来了
也许……
Maybe in a week when she gets back from Orlando.
一星期？这在辣妹时间里就是一年啊
A week? That's like a year in hot girl's time.
她会把你忘得一干二净
She'll forget all about you.
记住我的话，你永远也见不着她了
Mark my words, you'll never see that one again.
她在那儿呢
There she is!
哦，真漂亮……Carl，声音开大些
Woo, she's cute. Carl, turn it up.
“……劝他三思”
... him to reconsider
老爸老妈的浪漫史（2005）
How I Met Your Mother
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