邓肯小镇

没错 但是学校喜欢我
I do, but the school has a crush on me!
这是镇上骚扰人的最佳地点
This is the best spot in town to harass people.
在他们食物变坏期间拦住他们
You get them while their food's going bad
而他们只想快点上车
and they just wanna get to their car.
不好意思 这里是我们骚扰人的地方
Excuse me, this is our spot to harass people.
滚开 明天地球仍然会在
Back off, the planet will be here tomorrow!
我们女儿今天很受伤
Our daughter is hurting today.
明白 我们要两盒
Understood. We'll take two boxes.
抱歉 小家伙们
I'm sorry, little guys.
你们白跑了一趟
You came all this way for nothing.
于是 企鹅开始了漫长的回家之旅
And so, the penguins began their long journey home.
面对死亡 但是松了口气 因为金伯莉
Facing certain death, but relieved that Kimberly
离成为艾什莉 布鲁克
was one step closer to being friends
当然还有考特妮朋友又近了一步
with Ashleigh, Brooke, and, of course, Courtney.
你知道什么适合搭配牛奶吃吗
You know what goes well with milk?
饼干
Cookies!
你知道什么适合搭配护目镜
You know what goes well with goggles
和大量速达菲吗
and a suspicious amount of Sudafed?
马卡龙 如果是马卡龙 请一定告诉我
Macaroons? If it's macaroons, you gotta tell me.
是马卡龙
It's macaroons!
太棒了 你们接受铜线吗
Awesome! Do you accept copper wire?
当然
You betcha.
我是巧克力饼干
♪ I'm a chocolate chip cookie ♪
吃我 吃我
♪ Eat me, eat me ♪
蘸点牛奶 更加美味
♪ Dunk me in a glass of milk, I'm yummy in your tummy ♪
刚才是个人最佳纪录
Hey, that was a personal best.
其他老师呢
Where are all the other teachers?
邓肯跟他们说地下室是密室逃脱
Duncan told them the basement was an escape room.
然后就没见过他们了
I haven't seen them since.
这里什么都没有 等下
There's nothing in here. Oh, wait.
这有只死老鼠 算是线索吗
How about this dead rat? Is that something?
你知道去图书馆里找资料的唯一途径是
Did you know that the only way to check out anything
赢得一次《疾速追杀》风格的斗书吗
from the library is to win a "John Wick" style book fight?
知道 不然你以为我是怎么拿到
Yeah, how do you think I got
赤足天使的《为杰弗里做饭》的
The Barefoot Contessa's "Cooking for Jeffrey"?
我想拥有他们所拥有的
I want what they have.
太荒谬了 学校契据让邓肯
It's crazy the school charter gives Duncan
有权做这样的事
the power to do this stuff.
学校契据创建于二战期间
The school charter was created during World War II.
因为所有男人都在海外
Since all the men were overseas
而女人忙着她们的全女棒球联盟
and the women were busy with their all-girl baseball league,
学校把战时权力给了青少年
the school gave wartime powers to teenagers.
战争结束后怎么没收回来
Why didn't they take it back when the war was over?
那就是另一个故事了
That's a story for another day.
45分钟准备时间 滚吧
45 minutes of prep time? Screw that.
我们帮金伯莉卖♥♥掉了所有饼干
We sold every box of Kimberly's cookies for her.
包括难吃的无麸质饼干
Even the terrible gluten-free ones.
我一直说我没法卖♥♥出饼干
So, I went on and on about how I couldn't sell the cookies
甚至跟他们说我想让他们感到骄傲
and I even told them that I just wanted to make them proud.
结果他们信了
And they totally fell for it.
好难保持面无表情
It was so hard to keep a straight face
因为我爸全程裤子拉链都没拉上
because my dad's pants were unzipped the entire time.
现在他们帮我卖♥♥掉了所有饼干
And now they've sold all my cookies for me.
傻子
Suckers.
我该挂了 收到后给我回电
All right, I should go. Call me back when you get this.
希瑞 播放可跳舞的女性赋权圣歌♥
Siri, play danceable female empowerment anthem.
你放我鸽子 现在你房♥子着了火
♪ You blew me off and now your house is on fire ♪
她耍了我们 我们得教训下她
She played us! We have to teach her a lesson.
对 我们把她房♥子烧了吧
Yeah! Let's burn her house down!
-是时候展开 -等等 这次我来取名
- It's time for Operation-- - Wait, I wanna name this one.
蠢杀行动
Operation, um, D-- Dumbo Drop?
行吧
Fine.
开始蠢杀行动
Commence Operation Dumbo Drop.
你满意了吗 杰克
Are you happy with yourself, Jack?
不不 这很妙
No, no, no. It works.
她犯傻 而我们
She's being a Dumbo, and we've got to, uh,
我们得干掉她
we've got to drop her.
你的学生会主席做得太棒了 邓肯
You are crushing it as school prez, Duncan.
是啊 玉米片吧超火
Yeah, nacho bar's a hit.
《疾速追杀》打架让大家重回图书馆
And the John Wick fights got kids going to the library again.
《魔戒2 双塔奇兵》
"Two Towers"?
我想要的是《魔戒3 王者归来》
I wanted "Return of the King"!
邓肯 你让我们学校变成了史上最棒的学校
Duncan, you've made this the best school ever.
谢谢
Thanks.
我们昨天是这么认为的
Is what we were saying yesterday.
但你知道怎样能让它变得更好吗
But you know what would make it even better?
让防弹少年团做我们的清洁工
If BTS were our janitors.
-我想我可以问问 -学校需要个泳池
- I guess I can ask. - And the school needs a pool.
我们已经有一个了
We already have a pool.
没有那种在屋顶上 有机器人伺候我们的
Uh, not on the roof with robots that serve us.
我们也不想看到任何零件
And we don't wanna see any parts or gears, either.
让它们逼真点
Make them look real.
但不能太逼真 我怕我会爱上它们
But not so real I fall in love with them.
让我们都成为橄榄球队的四分卫
Make us all quarterback of the football team!
给我钱
Give me money!
让凯特琳和我一起参加毕业舞会
Make Caitlin go to prom with me!
让汤米别再邀请我去毕业舞会
Make Tommy stop asking me to prom!
把学校名字改为杨子U
Change the name of the school to Yangzi U.
欲戴... 必承其重
Heavy is the head that wears the...
欲戴什么 欲戴什么
Wears the what? Wears the what?
米娅 我需要你的帮助
Mia, I need your help.
我犯了个大错 满足所有人的需求
I made a huge mistake giving everyone whatever they want.
告诉我该怎么做 我就会满足你的要求
Tell me what to do, and I'll give you whatever you want.
这个嘛
Well--
别说 "这个嘛" 我没时间
Don't say, "Well, well, well." I don't have time.
我没法兑现我做出的承诺
I can't keep up with these promises I made.
我刚跟一个学生说我会找到他的生父
I just told a kid I'd find his biological father.
有消息了吗 不急 请快点
Any luck yet? No rush. Please hurry.
这注定无法避免 邓肯
This was inevitable, Duncan.
你得做出选择
You've gotta make a choice,
继续渴求名望 毁掉学校
continue desperately craving popularity and ruin the school,
或者做正确的事 退位
or do what's right-- step down
让有着邻家女孩魅力的天生领导者
and let a natural leader with girl-next-door appeal
帮你收拾烂摊子
clean up your mess.
你说得对 我要退位
You're right. I'm gonna step down.
有消息吗
Anything?
下午好 我是邓肯·哈里斯
Good afternoon. This is Duncan Harris.
这次做主席的两天是我人生里最满足的两天
This presidency has been the most fulfilling two days of my life,
我很享受试图让你们都满意
and I've enjoyed trying to make you all happy.
但在经过自我反省后 我想宣布
But after much soul searching, I would like to announce
明天中午生效 我将...
that effective noon tomorrow, I will be...
预定牙线熊
我将用我最伟大的成就巩固我的名望
cementing my popularity forever with my greatest achievement,
邀请到牙线熊
a personal appearance by the Flossing Bears!
-刚才怎么回事 -看看它们
- What was that? - Come on, look at them!
早上好 二女儿
Good morning, middle daughter.
别忘了上交你卖♥♥饼干赚的钱
Don't forget to hand in all that cookie cash
这样你就能和酷女孩玩了
so you get to hang with the cool girls.
谢谢 爸爸 再次申明
Thanks, Dad. And once again,
我很抱歉让你失望了
I'm really sorry I let you down.
我相信你
I'm sure you are.
金伯莉 你的手♥机♥在响
Uh-oh, Kimberly, your cellular phone is ringing.
这个点 肯定很重要
At this hour? Must be important.
最好打开免提
Better put it on speaker.
-谁啊 -金伯莉·哈里斯
- Hey, who dis? - Kimberly Harris,
我是联调局的特别探员琳达·贡斯
this is Special Agent Linda Gunns, from the FBI.
-联调局 -天 你做了什么
- Fbi? - Oh, God, what did you do?
你卖♥♥的那些饼干
Those cookies you've been selling?
是毒药
They're poison.
毒药
P-p-p-p-poison?
如果我们不全部追缴回来 我们将被迫逮捕你