邓肯小镇

Take that, witches.
我知道我36♥4♥天前才搬到这里
I know I moved here 36♥4♥ days ago
这是我第一次女巫节
and this is my first Witch Day,
但你们知道女巫并不存在 对吧
but you guys know there were no witches, right?
嗯 因为我们把她们都杀光了
Yeah, because we got rid of 'em all.
这个节日在赞美这个小镇历史的
This holiday actually celebrates a dark chapter
黑暗篇章 任何坏事发生
in the town's history where, when anything bad happened,
比如庄稼歉收或疾病
like crops failing or disease,
甩锅给女巫会更容易
it was just easier to pin it on a witch
因为这样在他们不明白的事情上
because it gave them someone to blame
他们就有人可责怪了
for things they didn't understand.
我不明白 女巫
I don't understand. Witch!
这正是我所说的
This is exactly what I'm talking about.
女巫是针对任何不同的人的标签
"Witch" was a label for anyone who was different.
标签很危险 因为即使不是真的
Labels are dangerous because they stick with you
也会一直跟着你
even if they're not true.
你又懂什么是标签 鼻环女
What do you know about labels, Nose Ring?
上周校长指责沃尔夫
And last week the principal accused Wolf
偷了食堂里全部炸鱼条
of stealing all the fish sticks from the cafeteria,
然后所有人都叫他鳕鱼哥布林
then everyone called him Cod Goblin.
很受伤
That hurt.
我的错 鳕鱼哥布林是我想出来的
My bad. I came up with Cod Goblin.
如果我们把沃尔夫烧死
What if we had burned Wolf at the stake,
然后发现他被错误指控
only to find out he was wrongfully accused?
当金·卡戴珊成了律师后
Stuff like this is gonna change
这样的事就会发生改变
when Kim Kardashian becomes an attorney.
米奇先生 你相信女巫 对吗
Mr. Mitch, you believe in witches, right?
我相信带薪休假和三天周末
I believe in paid holidays and three day weekends,
这本书两者都支持
and this one delivers on both,
所以是的 我相信
so yeah, I'm a believer.
女巫节快乐
Happy Witch Day!
棒极了
Hell yeah!
我尝到了牛肉的味道
I'm getting notes of beef.
也许是有根蔬菜
Maybe a rooted vegetable.
胡萝卜 芜菁
Carrot? Turnip?
不 芜菁甘蓝
No, rutabaga!
还有一个配料我尝不出来
There's just one more ingredient I can't place.
就在我舌尖
It's on the tip of my tongue.
妈妈 我能吃点辣椒酱吗
Mommy, can I have some chili?
抱歉 亲爱的 这个辣椒酱不是晚餐
Sorry, honey, this chili is not for dinner.
我们只是在试图弄明白里面有什么
We're just trying to figure out what's in it.
闻着像
Smells like...
-松露 -松露
- truffles. - Truffles!
安妮 我们要去哪找松露
Annie, where do we get truffles?
我在林子里闻到的
I smelled them in the woods.
你在林子里干什么
Why were you in the woods?
马丁夫人用糖果把我引诱了过去
Mrs. Martin lured me there with candy.
然后有两个大人宝宝
But then two adult-sized babies
用袋子罩住了她的头 把她打晕 所以我就跑了
put a sack over her head and clubbed her, so I ran away.
亲爱的 我们要通知当局吗
Honey, shouldn't we alert the authorities?
她死了 木已成舟
She's dead. What's done is done.
大家掌声欢迎珍市长
Everybody give it up for Mayor Jen!
女巫们好
What's up, witches!
好了 各位
All right, people.
现在有请点火人
Now for the one who lights everyone's fire,
我们服务时间最长的小镇处子
our longest serving town virgin.
掌声欢迎 因为她还没有过 爱丽丝
Give it up, because she never has, Alice!
大家好
Hi.
她的独自怎么回事
What the hell's wrong with her stomach?
那里面有个宝宝
She has a baby in there.
完美的欺骗 她怀孕了
Immaculate deception! She's pregnant!
我没有
No, I'm not!
得了吧 那肩带可不是自己在动
Oh, please. Come on, that sash isn't kicking itself.
亲爱的 你怀上孩子了
You, my dear, are with child.
好吧 我遇见了一个人
Okay, fine! I met someone!
我从没这么幸福过
I'm the happiest I've ever been!
这不能定义我的任期
This will not define my term, people!
别担心
All right, don't worry.
我们有为此做准备
We've prepared for this.
镇上所有有资格的处子都提交了他们的名字
All of the eligible virgins in town have submitted their names.
我们不会有事
We're okay.
谁会这么蠢上交自己的名字
Who would be stupid enough to put their name in that?
邓肯·哈里斯是新的小镇处子
Duncan Harris is the new town virgin!
怎么回事
What happened?
你刚被"操"了 但不是好的那种
Oh, you just got screwed, but not the good kind.
处子 处子 处子
Virgin! Virgin! Virgin!
我的儿子是小镇处子
My son, the town virgin.
多么大的荣幸啊 每个母亲的梦想
What an honor. Every mother's dream.
我的名字怎么会在里面
Oh, why was my name even in there?
我每年都提交
I submit it every year.
我想要全镇的人都知道
I want the whole town to know
我抚养了一个贞节还在的自信年轻男人
that I raised a confident young man who still has his flower.
你怎么知道我贞节还在
How do you even know that I still have...my flower?
这会让你变得超级受欢迎 阿邓
This is gonna make you so popular, Dunkie.
听我的 女生喜欢处♥男♥
Take it from me, girls love virgin guys.
她们知道跟你在一起会很安全
They know they're safe with you.
-这太丢人了 -你在说什么呢
- This is humiliating. - What are you talking about?
你是名人了
You're a celebrity.
你会点燃那个女巫
You're gonna light that witch on fire
大家都会叫你的名字
and everyone's gonna be shouting your name,
处子 处子
"Virgin! Virgin!"
-那不是我的名字 -现在是了
- That's not my name! - It is now.
我刚在网上改了你的出生证明
I just changed your birth certificate online.
-你确定吗 静 -确定
- Are you sure, Jing? - Positive.
我就是在这里闻到了松露
I smelled the truffles right around here.
你必须非常确定
You gotta be sure.
没错
Oh yeah.
她闻到什么了 杰克 放开她
Oh, she's on to something, Jack! Unleash her!
我们不能去全食超♥市♥吗
Couldn't we have just gone to Whole Foods?
嗯 可你看看她有多开心
Yeah, but look at how much fun she's having.
找到了
Got it!
可以的 静 这个可以
That'll do, Jing. That'll do.
猜猜晚餐我们要吃谁
Well, guess who we're having for dinner?
时萝 真的吗
Cumin? Really?
不 那是假配料
No, well, those are decoy ingredients.
杰克 放两勺时萝进去
Okay, Jack, put in two heaping scoops of cumin.
放下 我在演戏
Put that down! I'm acting!
你太有天赋了 我都信了
You're so talented! I believed it.
要过一会儿这些狗才会开始叫
It's gonna be a little while until these dogs are barking.
秘诀是 我让它们融化
The secret is, I let 'em thaw out.
我可以等
I can wait.
你没把芥末放出来
You haven't put the mustard out?
你今天带了芥末吗 你必须有节目
Did you bring mustard this year? You have to have mustard!
谢天谢地 他喜欢芥末
Oh, thank God. He loves mustard.
你说得对 米娅 标签是错的
You were right, Mia. Labels are wrong.
我不想让做20年的处子邓肯
I don't want to be Duncan the Virgin for 20 years,
然后住在林子里的小屋里
and then wind up living in a shack in the woods,
小孩互相挑战来敲我的门
with kids daring each other to run up and touch my front door.
我想我可以解决你的问题
I think there's a way I can fix your problem.
真的吗 我们可以做了
Really? We could, uh, do it
然后告诉全镇的人过程有多棒
and then tell the whole town how amazing it was?
-什么 不 -好吧
- What? No. - All right, fine.
那我去告诉全镇的人过程有多棒
I'll tell the whole town how amazing it was.
别说了
Just stop.
如果我们偷走女巫
If we steal the witch,
他们就不能举♥行♥他们可怕的节日
they can't have their horrible festival,
然后就不会需要处子
and then they won't need a virgin.
但如果他们取消了节日 我就吃不到漏斗蛋糕了
But if they cancel the festival, I can't have funnel cake!
你想要吃漏斗蛋糕
Do you wanna have funnel cake
还是成为小镇的笑柄
or be the laughingstock of the town?
你知道我想要吃漏斗蛋糕