一起单身（2018）

Look, the two of you are acting like maniacs,
我晚上还有演出
and I have a show tonight.
所以送你们一个词 "和平"
And so to you I say, "peace."
戏好多
Really dramatic.
你知不知道他走掉
You know the only reason he left
都是因为你反♥社♥会♥
is because you're a sociopath, right?
你好意思吗
I mean, really? Come on.
就算是反♥社♥会♥ 也是你反♥社♥会♥
If anyone's a sociopath, it's you.
你又反♥社♥会♥ 又可爱
You're the sociopath. You're charming.
行 我反♥社♥会♥
Fine, but if I'm a sociopath,
那你就是懒癌晚期 自命不凡 自恋狂 比反♥社♥会♥差多了
you're a lazy, entitled, narcissistic loser, which is way worse.
本来我还是挺开心的
You know, I was actually having fun
我早该意识到 全都是幌子
but I should've known this was all a sham.
你只不过想利用我当你公路旅行的司机
You just wanted to use me to be a driver on your road trip,
哪怕这是我的生日... 我的生日
and even when it's my birthday... My freaking birthday,
还想自作主张
you still have to have it your way.
不是这样的 我想去甜甜圈店 都是因为你
That's not true, okay? I wanted to go to the donut shop because of you.
他们的无麦麸甜甜圈 有你能想到的所有口味
They have gluten-free donuts in every flavor imaginable.
本来想给你个惊喜的
It was part of your surprise.
什么
What?
不重要了
It doesn't matter, okay?
现在去也来不及了 没时间了
It's too late to go now. We don't have time.
我不知道你是这么计划的
I didn't realize that was part of the plan, all right?
谢谢 真贴心
Thank you. That's very thoughtful.
生日快乐
Well, happy birthday.
不敢相信杰夫竟然走了
I can't believe Jeff left us.
真混♥蛋♥
What a jerk.
你有没有发现什么不对
Dude, do you realize what just happened?
是谁请我们去看演出
Who invited us to a show?
是谁这么快就找到健身房♥ 还开好一日通票
Who found a gym super fast that already had a day pass ready,
还有... 是谁坐在那儿看我吃油炸食品
and then... and then who sat there and watched me eat fried food?
现在他去演出 还以为我们不去
And now he's going to the show and he thinks we're not going.
我们当然要去演出
We're going to the show.
对 我们要去
Yeah, we're going to the show.
去给他看
Show him.
他竟然这样挑拨离间
I can't believe he tried to tear us apart like that.
希望他今晚原地爆♥炸♥
I hope he bombs tonight.
希望有人给他起哄
I hope someone heckles him.
希望有两个人给他起哄
I hope two people heckle him.
有点意思
Interesting.
我做基辛格[尼克松政♥府♥的国务卿] 你当尼克松
I'll be Kissinger. You be Nixon.
我是海绵宝宝 你是派大星
I'll be spongebob. You be Patrick.
那他就是章鱼哥
He's squidward.
走
Let's go.
伯克利的观众朋友 你们好吗
Hey, Berkeley, how you doing?
很高兴看到大家
It's so good to see you.
这家酒吧真好看
All right, what a nice-looking house.
我习惯了洛杉矶的酒吧
Now, I gotta tell you I'm used to, LA houses.
真的很性感 很热辣
Real sexy, hot houses.
这间不一样 不过 也很不错
This is not that, but, um, it's really nice.
让我耳目一新
This is like a palate cleanser for my eyes.
告诉大家 今天是我的生日
I gotta tell you, today is my birthday.
-生日快乐 -对
- Yeah, happy birthday. - Yeah.
今天才不是他生日 是我生日
It's not his birthday. It's my birthday.
他想骗你们一笑而已
He's stealing it for an easy laugh.
-他在撒谎 -骗子
- He's lying. - Liar.
我的两个朋友来了
These are a couple of my friends here.
他们人很好
These are really nice people.
谢谢你们来看表演
Thank you so much for showing up.
好了 你们小时候有没有人
Anyways, guys, does anybody else think that when you were a kid
以为所有小狗都是男孩 所有小猫都是女孩
that all dogs were boys and all cats were girls?
对吧 是吧
Right, right, right?
我以前也这么想 但后来我开始跟一个女孩约会
Well, I did, too, until I started dating this girl
她有一只母狗 于是...
who had a female dog, and so...
不知道这个笑话是不是用"母狗[贱♥人♥]"的双关语收尾哦
I wonder if this dog joke ends in "bitch" wordplay?
-不知道耶 -认真的
- I wonder. - Seriously?
我当然知道 我能帮你讲完笑话
No, I don't wonder. I can finish this joke for you.
-许多人都可以吧 -算了... 这样吧
- Most of us can. - Just let it... you know what?
继续讲 我跟我女朋友说...
Let's move on. So anyway, I was talking to my girlfriend...
-你没女朋友 -我了个去
- No girlfriend. - You know what, man?
我不会给你们
You know what, I'm not even gonna give you guys
嘲笑我的机会
the-the-the fun of doing this to me.
-我走了 -回来 杰夫里
- I'm out. - Come back, Jeffrey!
-别这样啊 老铁 -杰夫 回来
- Come on, dude! - Jeff, come back.
-他开玩笑的 -别闹了
- He's joking. - Come on, man.
-我们在捣乱呢 -杰夫里
- We're messing with you. - Jeffrey!
起哄杰夫就是最好的生日礼物 谢谢你
Best birthday gift ever, heckling Jeff. Thank you.
我知道你会喜欢公路旅行
I knew you'd love road trips.
怎么样
So?
这是我吃过最好吃的甜甜圈
I mean, it's the best donut I ever had.
-不管有没有麦麸 都是最好的 -棒
- Gluten-free or not. - Yes!
-这是最好的 -公路旅行圆♥满♥落幕
- It's the best. - This completes the perfect road trip.
虽然杰夫想搞破坏
Except for when Jeff tried to ruin it,
-但还能怎么办呢 -什么 认真的吗
- but what can you do? - What? Are you serious?
拜托 你们吵架的时候
Come on, this is the same crap you guys always pull
总是胡扯一样的鬼话
when you get into a fight with each other.
你们都不想承认自己错了
Neither one of you wants to admit that you're wrong,
于是把责任推卸给第三方
so you end up dumping it all on a third party.
得了吧 谁是第三方
Come on, dude, what is this third party stuff, dude?
我 我就是第三方
Me! I'm the third party.
我 杰夫
Me, Jeff.
你现在竟然还想挑拨离间
Unbelievable that you would try to tear us apart right now.
今天可是我生日 你简直厚颜无♥耻♥
And on my birthday, dude. That's so bold.
不知道是不是厚颜无♥耻♥ 但是 太不贴心了
I don't know about bold, but it's inconsiderate.
你们... 你们混♥蛋♥
You know what... You know what, you guys are jerks.
你们太坏了 坏人
You're terrible. You're terrible people.
我们耍你呢 怕什么
We're just teasing you, relax.
杰夫 我们不过是起个哄而已
Jeff, come on, we're just heckling you.
这样你才能更厉害嘛
Everyone knows it makes you stronger.
-看我们多坚强 -你们可真有意思
- Look how strong we are. - It's very, very funny
永远都不想直面
how the two of you never want to confront
互相之间真正的问题
any of your actual problems with each other.
又说这个问题
My god, this again with the problems.
杰夫 我们觉得你才反♥社♥会♥
Actually, Jeffrey, we think you're a sociopath.
我们不... 我们知道你反♥社♥会♥
Well, we don't... We know you're a sociopath.
我受够了
Okay, you know what? That's it.
再见 再见
Bye! Bye!
生日快乐
Happy birthday, man.
不可理喻
That was crazy.
真的 不可理喻
Like, straight up, that was so crazy.
我知道 他有问题
I know. He's got problems.
-替他难过 -我也是
- I feel really bad for him. - Me too.
他还说 "直面问题"
And then he's like, "confront your problems."
我们说 "这是你的问题"
And then we're like, "all right, here's your problem."
可悲的是这样做
Well, the sad thing is that when you act like that
交不到朋友的
you're never gonna find someone.
只能一个人待着
You're just always gonna be by yourself.
我知道
Yeah, I know.
真可怜
It's sad.