一起单身（2018）

It's all yours.
你太能鼓舞人心了 艾莉雅 你的秘诀是什么
You're so inspiring, Alia. What's your secret?
你只要知道如何激励别人
You just have to know how to motivate people
-来帮你做事就行 -那是怎么做到的
- to do things for you. - How do you do that?
找到龙舌兰 我就告诉你
Find that tequila and I'll tell you.
-好的 -我来帮你
- Okay. - I'll help you.
-我们走了 -等一下
- We're out of here. - Wait, wait.
-别走啊 等等 -别留下我们
- Don't go. Wait, wait. - Come on, don't leave us.
要是地震了怎么办
What about the earthquake?
你们还有彼此
You guys have each other.
要不等大地震来了
I think if a big one hits
我们还是各走各路吧
we should just head our separate ways, man.
我们无法信任对方
We can't even trust each other.
我同意
I agree.
我应该回坐皮划艇去卡特琳娜岛
I think I'm gonna kayak to Catalina.
我在那儿上过夏令营 那儿有水牛
I went to summer camp there, so there's, like, buffalo,
我还知道哪种叶子可以吃
and I know which leaves to eat and stuff.
我可能就在这里待着了
I'll probably stick around here.
诺玛·戴斯蒙: 电影"日落大道"中女主 居住的荒废豪♥宅♥里慢慢凋谢
就像诺玛·戴斯蒙那样
Start my Norma Desmond phase.
我们就此别过吧
Guess this is probably goodbye.
反正我们都是垃圾
We're just both pieces of garbage anyways.
没有了对方反而更好
We'll do better without each other.
是啊 我也觉得
Yeah, guess so.
天哪 是那个地震软件
My God! My God, it's the earthquake app.
-别紧张 -我们只剩十秒可活了
- Relax, man. - We have ten seconds to live!
-放松 -我要躲到桌子下面
- Relax. - I'm going under!
别别别 放轻松
No, no, no, no, no, just chill.
-为什么 我很害怕 -这是... 天哪
- Why? I'm scared! - This is... my God!
天哪 天哪
My God. My God.
别去卡特琳娜岛
Don't go to Catalina.
你应该知道 我闻过一次你的内衣
I think you should know that I smelled your underwear once.
你应该也知道 我看到你这么做了
I think you should know that I watched you do it.
-我闻过两次 -我知道 我都录下来了
- I did it twice. - I know. I have it on film.
你是怎么录下来的
How do you have it on film?
我在你房♥间藏了一个相机
I hid a camera in your room.
相机在哪儿
Where's the camera?
有些事就让风带走吧
Some things go to the grave.
再见了
Goodbye.
你闻起来像西葫芦瓜一样
You smell like zucchini.
我知道
I know.
迪恩
Dean.
你们在干嘛
What are you doing?
我不知道你在家
I didn't know you were home.
我在楼上用笔记本电脑看"百万美金豪♥宅♥"[房♥地♥产♥商真人秀]呢
Yeah, I was upstairs watching Million Dollar Listings marathon on my laptop.
我要知道那些家伙都是在哪儿买♥♥的领带
I gotta find out where those dicks get their ties.
很高兴你在这儿
I'm really glad you're here.
好吧 我不高兴
Yeah, okay, cool. Not me.
一点也不高兴
I'm not glad at all.
这什么... 你们俩怎么...
What's with the... what are you guys...
这是什么"大开眼戒"[惊悚剧情片]的场景吗
what is this Eyes Wide Shut stuff going on here?
我刚才把家里的电掐了
I had to turn off all the electricity,
但你的松露巧克力都好着呢
but, your truffles are cool, dude.
你们不会重启电闸吗
And you couldn't reset the breaker?
很简单的 稍微有点野心又不会死
I mean, it's very easy. You know, a little ambition wouldn't kill you.
我喜欢蜡烛的气氛
I prefer the drama of candlelight.
你为什么穿得像个没人管的六岁小孩
Why are you dressed like an emancipated six-year-old?
-你这么觉得吗 -不是在夸你
- You think? - That's not a compliment.
随便吧
Whatever.
我知道这是什么情况了
I think I know what's going on.
你们刚刚上♥床♥了吗
You guys have sex?
没有 我们只是在聊天
No, we're just talking.
-是啊 -得了吧 老哥
- Yeah! - Come on, dude.
我们只是玩玩游戏聊聊天
We were playing a game and talking.
-上♥床♥ -我们绝对不会...
- Sex? - We would never...
-我下面还是干干的 -我也是
- My dick is so dry, all right? -Same.
好吧 我... 给你们一句忠告
Okay, let me just... take it from me, okay,
赶紧做了吧 早做完早完事
just do it. Just get it over with,all right?
最后只有两种结果
'Cause one of two things is gonna happen.
要么你们会搞清楚你们之间的关系
It's either gonna help you guys figure your stuff out,
要么会彻底毁掉你们的友情
or you're gonna ruin and completely destroy your friendship.
老实说 这是双赢
Honestly, it's a win-win situation.
这可是我这个老司机说的
And that's coming from me, and I know my stuff.
我喜欢做♥爱♥的时候 只有我一个人哭哭啼啼
I prefer to be the only whiny brat in my sexual encounters.
我听到过她啪的声音
Yeah, and I've heard her having sex before,
跟雪橇犬比赛似的
and it sounded like a dogsled race.
像狗叫和滋滋的水声
It was just barky and sloshy noises.
好吧 无所谓
Okay, man, all right.
赶紧办事吧
Just get it done, dude.
不过班吉 我要给你点建议
And I wanna give you a tip, though, Benji.
什么都别听
Don't listen for a second.
如果她爱咬人 就让她咬
If she's a biter, let her be the biter.
你就别咬了 不能咬回去
You don't be the biter. Don't bite back.
那是她专属的特权 不用谢
That's her thing, man. You're welcome.
听着 我只想让你知道...
Look, I just want you to know...
你抱我的时候我感觉到你勃起了
I felt your boner on me when you hugged me.
-勃起 -对 至少勃起了一半
- Boner? - Yeah, you definitely had at least a half boner.
那只是为克莱拉勃起的后劲
That was just residual boner from Clara.
是后劲而已
It was old residge bone.
我还不知道勃起吗 刚才那个绝对是新鲜的
I know boners, and that was a fresh boner.
你突然又成了勃起专家了吗
What are you, a boner expert?
-是啊 -如果我稍微勃起一点
- Yeah. - If I got half a boner
都能把你顶到另一个邮编区
I would've knocked you into another zip code.
你不知道 我裤裆里可藏着巨龙
You know what kind of junk I'm packing down there?
-得了吧 -你什么意思 得了吧
- Yeah right. - What do you mean,yeah right?
我害怕时也会勃起 你不看"纽约客"的吗
I get fear boners. Don't you readThe New Yorker?
-我当然看过"纽约客" -恐惧是种催化剂
- Yeah, I've read The New Yorker. - Fear is an aphrodisiac.
-刚才是恐惧的勃起 -好吧
- It was a fear boner. - Okay.
我会因为恐惧勃起 所以和我约会的每个女孩都有酒驾记录 我喜欢冒险
I get fear boners. That's why every girl I hook up with has DUI's. I like the risks.
所以你喜欢我 是因为怕我吗
So you're attracted to me 'cause you're scared of me?
我的信用记录是不是让你把持不住了
Is it my credit score that turns you on?
你知道我要穿过多少玉米片碎渣
Do you know how many tortilla chip crumbs
才能找到你的阴♥道♥吗
I would have to get through to get to your vagina?
你觉得我怎么可能跟你在一起啊
You think how would I even do that?
震级3.7 这上面写着3.7级
Three point seven. That's what this is saying, 3.7.
我在大地震中幸存下来了
I survived the big one.
我要出名了
Whoo! I'm famous!
这不算大地震吧
I mean, I wouldn't call it a big one.
连一个马来西亚的血汗工厂都震不垮
It's not even big enough to take out a Malaysian sweatshop.
我说过别碰我的龙舌兰
Dude, I said not to touch my tequila.
我说过别碰我的龙舌兰了 它不见了
I said not to touch my tequila, and it's not there.
我只跟你一个人说过
And you're the only person I told about it, okay?
你知道我要做什么吗
So you know what I'm gonna do?
这周我要惩罚你
I'm gonna apply a penalty this week.
你的弗雷德·麦格里夫[知名棒球手]签了名的球棒在哪儿
Where's your Fred McGriff autographed baseball bat?
-我要把它折断 -好啊 不过你之前惩罚我的时候已经把它折断了
- I'm going to break it. - Nice, but you actually already broke it for a different penalty.
我想起来 那你的游戏机在哪儿
Yes, I remember that. Okay, where's your PlayStation?
你就是用麦格里夫的球棒把它砸坏的
You broke that with the Fred McGriff baseball bat
然后... 你为了惩罚我早都砸坏了
before you... you broke them all for penalties.
不如在他的朋友身上出出气吧
Maybe you should take it out on his friend.
你知道我要做什么吗
You know what I'm gonna do?
我要在你床上打飞机
I'm going to m-bate in your bed.
你知道是什么意思吗
Do you know what that means?
我要在你床上自♥慰♥
I'm going to JO in your bed.
求你了别这么做
Please don't do that.
你要在床上还是被子里
Like, in the bed or on the bed?
-什么鬼 -我要走了
- Come on! - I have to go.
-你要去哪儿 -我去看书
- Where are you going? - To read a book.
肯定不是 你是不是要去偷听
You're not. Are you gonna listen?
-当然了 -那是违法的
- Yeah. - That's illegal.
不违法 在人♥权♥宣言里写了
It's not illegal. It's in the Bill of Rights.