一起单身（2018）

你好
Hello.
我帮你省了一段羞耻之路
I saved you from a walk of shame.
什么叫羞耻之路
I'll have you know that the walk of shame
太反女权了好吗
is an anti-feminist construct, okay?
你看我哪有羞耻的样子
Do I look like I'm in shame?
你不是女权 你就是懒
You're not a feminist, you're just too lazy to walk.
我昨晚大搞帅哥时可不懒哦
I wasn't too lazy to smash with a guy last night
他堪称瑞恩·高斯林恋恋笔记本"男主角]哦
who's basically Ryan Gosling.
艾丝特 你牙套没带
Hey, Esther, you forgot your night guard.
瑞恩·高斯林胖成这样了
Man, Ryan Gosling really let himself go.
男人微胖多毛 才显得我苗条漂亮
Chubby hairy guys make me feel skinny and pretty
像瑞秋·麦克亚当斯恋恋笔记本"女主角]
like Rachel McAdams.
-扔给我吧 -我不想碰它 都发霉了
-Throw it to me! -I don't want to touch it. It's moldy!
没有发霉 只是沾了意式松子酱
It's not mold, it's just pesto.
咱昨晚吃的烧烤
We had barbecue last night.
赶紧扔下来
Just throw it down.
不逼他一下 他都不敢摸
You really have to nudge him to touch stuff.
我昨晚没有高♥潮♥
I didn't have an orgasm.
-我扔啦 -谢啦
- All right. - Thank you.
抱歉
Sorry.
这么短的羞耻之路
Well, that was a short walk of shame.
老天爷 你就直接戴上了
My God, you're putting that back in your mouth?
本来就要戴啊
That's where it goes.
放松点 口水都喷出来了
Relax. The sprinklers were just on.
你不是晚上才戴吗
I thought you just wear that at night.
我白天也磨牙
I've been day-grinding.
压力太大 一是钱的问题 二是博科圣地[尼日利亚极端组织]
I'm stressed about money and Boko Haram.
博科圣地又不在东好莱坞 你好着呢
Boko Haram is not in East Hollywood. You're fine.
你怎么知道 他们无处不在
You don't know that. They could be anywhere.
-短♥信♥联♥系♥啊 艾丝特 -再见 见到你很高兴 我是班吉
- Text me, Esther. - See ya. Nice to meet you. I'm Benji.
抱歉了兄弟
I'm-I'm sorry, dude.
...好尴尬
...this is awkward.
-他只是朋友 -那就好
- He's just my friend. - All right.
我们是柏拉图式的友情 不是你的威胁
Yeah, just platonic friends. I'm not a threat or anything.
好了 别和我男人说话了
All right, stop talking to my guy.
再见
See ya.
再见兄弟
Yeah, see ya, man.
能去第三大道的果汁屋吗
Can we go to the juice place on Third?
我想排个毒
I want to do a cleanse.
一♥夜♥情♥太爽了 得冷却一下
I'm feeling high off my one-night stand.
娃娃音对我没用 咱俩又没睡
You know baby voice doesn't work on me. I didn't just sleep with you.
你能像成年人一样问我吗
You want to ask me like an adult?
用正常的声音 可以吗
Let's use adult voice with me, okay?
我们能去第三大道的果汁屋吗
Can we please go to the juice place on Third?
还是娃娃音 重来
You're doing baby voice. Try again.
排毒能让我变瘦变美
Cleansing will make me feel skinny and pretty.
她买♥♥了什么
What are those?
我不知道 她好美啊
I don't know. She's so hot.
看来是美女食物
It's hot girl food.
谢谢
Thank you.
你好
Hi.
我想要绿色排毒草
I'll take a green herb detox
还有... 螺旋藻脆片 那是什么
and... the spirulina crisps-- what are those?
美女都吃吗 吃了能光彩照人吗
Um, is that what hot girls eat? Will they make me glow?
不知道
I don't know.
好吧
Right.
美女跟魔术师一样 都有秘密
Hot girls have secrets, like magicians.
谁都不会告诉
They don't let anyone know.
我要五袋 我超爱吃这个
I'll take five. I love them.
-天呀 -咋了
-Gee. -What?
-买♥♥这么多 -淡定点
- That's a lot of chips, man. - Chill.
能借我20块吗
Can I borrow 20 bucks?
-你说真的吗 -我会还你的
- Are you serious? - I'll pay you back.
你家那么有钱 你怎么这么穷
How is your family so rich and you're so poor?
我没有破产
I'm not broke or anything.
只是身份证被偷了 所以借点现金花
I had my identity stolen, so I need to just borrow some cash.
-我要一杯活力无限 -好
- Can I get a vitality shot? - Sure.
-谢谢 -一杯活力无限
- Thanks. - One vitality shot.
-我超喜欢你的鼻钉 -谢了
- I really like your nose ring. - Thanks.
谁的鼻子戴鼻环好看 我一眼就能看出来
I've got a nose for noses that can handle a nose ring.
一般人驾驭不了鼻钉 但你可以 相当可以
Most people can't nail it, but you're, like, nailing it.
如果你说这个是要约我 那我得告诉你
Just in case this is leading up to asking me out,
我是蕾丝
I am a lesbian.
没事 我是学文的
No problem. I went to a liberal arts college.
-跟很多蕾丝约会过... -等下 你是女同
- I've dated plenty of lesbians, and... - Wait, you're a lesbian?
碰到一米八以下的男的 我就是
I am to guys under five-ten.
好吧 损我呢
Okay, we're being mean.
嘲笑男人矮
You know, shaming a guy 'cause he's short
就跟嘲笑女人胖一样
is like shaming a girl for being overweight.
胖子我们也一样笑
We do that here too.
这样不好
Well, it's wrong.
你家店招不招人
Any chance you guys are hiring?
-不招 -好吧
- No. - Got it.
知道了
Got it.
果汁屋每个人都好讨厌
Everyone in that juice place was the worst.
可不是吗
I know.
你哥在家吗
Is your brother home?
应该不在吧
I don't think so.
多半在德州买♥♥法拍屋呢
I think he's in Texas buying foreclosed homes.
真是可怕 偏偏还长了张帅脸
And he's a monster. I wish he wasn't so hot.
你跟我哥不可能
You have no chance with my brother.
你还穿你♥爸♥的旧短裤呢
You wear your dad's old boxers.
很复古啊
They're vintage.
懂不懂时尚啊
You don't know anything about style.
穿他短裤这种事太亲密了
That's really intimate.
你绝对有恋父情结
I think it's pretty obvious that you have daddy issues.
所有伟人都有恋父情结
All the greats have daddy issues.
我只是因为
Mine is just that, you know,
我总让他失望 没固定工作
I'm a constant disappointment because I don't have
没有住的地方 而且我都成年了
a real job or a steady income, and I'm a grown adult.
我录了"拽妹黛薇儿"全集 想看吗
I DVR'd a Daria marathon. You want to watch?
想看
Yeah, let's do it.
是不是坏了
I think it's broken.
老弟 我开了家长锁
Hey, dude, I put on the parental lock
省得我的电视剧被你的卡♥通♥挤掉
so my shows don't get deleted by your stupid cartoons.
你怎么这样 我也住这里啊
Come on, man, I live here too.
等下 这是你弟吗
Wait, this is your brother?
对 那是他来这儿蹭住的朋友
Yeah. And that's his squatter friend.
-我只是偶尔来 -你无家可归吗
- I just crash here sometimes. - Are you homeless?
我把我家当民宿租出去赚钱了
I actually just Airbnb my place for rent money.
她沙发上住着个氧瘾者
There's an oxy addict living on her sofa.
别瞎说 我房♥客只是有点嗜睡
You don't know that. He's really sleepy.
你俩太可爱了
My God, you guys are so cute.
我喜欢你的口音
I like your accent.
你俩是在青年旅社认识的吗
Did you guys meet at a youth hostel?
交友应用认识的
We met on an app.
是那种帅哥美女交友的应用吗
Like a good-looking person app?
我可没这么说
I mean, I didn't say it.
老天
God.
所以你俩没在一起
So, you guys are not dating?
我们俩个子不高 都不受欢迎
Just 'cause we're both small and undesirable,
也不代表我俩非得在一起啊
doesn't mean we should date.
我们在餐厅卡位吃饭坐在同一边 别人就以为我俩是一对
People think we're dating 'cause we sit on the same side of the booth at restaurants.
只是坐在同侧分享食物比较方便而已
It's just easier to share food that way.
你们现在上个床
I'll give you guys $550 each if you guys
我就给你们一人550块
have sex with each other right now.
我宁愿让灰狗巴士上每个人
I'd rather let an entire Greyhound bus
朝我嘴里吐口水 也不要和班吉上♥床♥
spit in my mouth than have sex with Benji.
别介意哈
No offense.
好 那么接下来