一起单身（2018）

You have to keep an updated list.
你真是鼠目寸光
You are so short-sighted.
要是真爆发危机 我都不敢相信你
If there's an actual crisis, I can't even trust you.
大家都知道我超级可靠
Everybody knows I'm extremely trustworthy.
鬼才认为你可靠
Nobody thinks you're trustworthy.
只有莎拉·M不信任我好不好
The only person who doesn't is Sarah M., okay?
可那时候我们才初中 她还亲了老师
But that was in junior high and she was kissing a teacher.
Linda Tripp 琳达·特里普: 曾因将莱温斯基与克♥林♥顿♥的性丑闻曝光而名噪一时
我能怎么办 只好去告状了
I had no choice but to Linda Tripp her.
-班吉 -天哪
- Benji! - My God.
我姐来了
My sister's here?
你看 成功的时尚总监有跟我一样的应急预案
See, a successful fashion CEO had the same emergency plan as me.
说明我有高效人士的习惯之一
I have one habit of a highly-effective person.
我牙齿和眉毛上有东西吗
Is there anything on my teeth or my eyebrows?
除了手残妆 应该没什么了
I mean, besides seventh-grader makeup, no.
-那走吧 -班吉
- Okay, let's go. - Benji!
-你们有没有感觉到预震 -没有这种东西
- Did you guys feel a pre-shock? - There's no such thing.
班吉
Hey, Benj.
在车♥库♥里闲逛 真是一点都不奇怪
Hanging out in the garage, not strange at all.
拜托 比尔·盖茨 蒂姆·艾伦[演员 导演]
I mean, come on. Bill Gates, Tim Allen.
多得是大佬在车♥库♥里玩呢
Tons of cool guys hang out in garages.
我只是其中一个帅气小伙罢了
I'm just another cool guy in a garage.
艾莉雅 你的旅途超酷的
Alia, your trip looked amazing.
想不到你竟然真的去了土耳其和凯科斯群岛
It's so cool that you made it to Turks and Caicos.
这两个地方我一直都想去一个 你一口气都去了 太酷了
I mean, I've dreamed of going to one, but both, that's so cool.
是啊 就像旋风一样 谢丽尔
Yeah, it was a whirlwind, Cheryl.
谢丽尔是我大学养的乌龟
Actually, Cheryl's the name of the turtle I had in college,
-但还是谢了 -没关系
- but great try. - It doesn't matter.
重要的是我们都在这里
What's important is we're all here
安安全全的 我们可以畅聊秘密呀 因为说不准马上我们就都要入土了
and we're all safe, and we can all just, like, share our secrets because the next stop is the grave.
今晚我们深入了解一下吧
So let's get to know each other better tonight.
我们不留下来 打算去马里布度假村
We're not staying. We're going to the Malibu house
庆祝薇薇安退休
to celebrate Vivian's retirement.
我居然26岁了 杀了我吧
I just turned 26. Kill me.
谁不老呢
It's time, girl.
现在好多人都爱拿年龄嘲讽人
Age shaming is so hot right now.
我们开车去的路上 克莱拉突然有点喘不上气 所以我们才停车的
Clara actually made us stop the car because she was having a weird breathing fit while we were driving.
地面一震我就开始焦虑
I have anxiety about the ground shaking so hard
好怕它突然张开大嘴把人吞进去
that it opens up and swallows people whole.
我也会 真的
I have that, too. I really do.
让我焦虑的还有干性溺水[因受到强烈刺♥激♥和过度紧张导致喉头痉挛不能正常呼吸]
And I also have anxiety about, um, dry drowning.
你们听过吗 真的很吓人
Have you heard of it? It's really scary.
我看过一♥期♥奥普拉脱口秀 真的很吓人
I saw an Oprah on it. It's so bad.
吓死了
I'm so scared.
推特上都疯了
Everyone on Twitter is going crazy.
可是这间房♥子的人都很理性
Well, everyone in this houseis going rational,
所以我打算待在这儿 又能挡风遮雨
so I'd stay here and enjoy the shelter
又安全 而且我也不用再履行什么麻烦的义务了 我的意见仅供参考
and safety, and there's no obligation to be my apocalyptic bride, FYI.
你不用管他 他有人格障碍
You can ignore him. He has a personality disorder.
我了解的情况是这样 我给动物园打了电♥话♥
Here's what I know. I called the zoo,
所有松鼠猴都在高处找栖息地
and all the squirrel monkeys are seeking higher ground
-这其实就是对我们的预警... -等等 你问的明明是长颈鹿 不是猴
- which is actually an interesting alert... -Wait, you called earlier about giraffes, not monkeys.
我又打了一次 问了个主管
I called again and spoke to a supervisor.
她才有真正的情报 你要问就说找朱莉
She had the real intel. Ask for Julie if you call.
-她会为你介绍 -如果是我 就不去马里布了
- She'll hook it up. - I would not go to Malibu.
要是真有地震 大家都会被卷进海啸里
If there is an earthquake, everyone's gonna drown in a tsunami.
我强烈呼吁 还是沉浸在我的保护里吧
I highly recommend hanging out and drowning in my protection.
放松 班吉 等克莱拉休息好我们就走 迪恩在吗
Easy, Benj. We're gonna get out of here once Clara calms down. Is Dean here?
你看这里有嗑药磕嗨了的模特吗
Do you see any coked-out models anywhere?
迪恩在吗
Is Dean here?
-他不在 -那就好
- No, no. He's not here. - Perfect.
我要把他那瓶上等龙舌兰带走
I wanna grab that bottle of his good tequila.
-酒在哪 -想得美
- Where is it? - Yeah, right.
我不能告诉你龙舌兰在哪儿
I can't tell you where that tequila is.
就跟你这么说话他可能都会罚我了
This conversation alone is enough for a penalty.
-快告诉我 -那是他的特级龙舌兰
- Benj. - It's super-good tequila.
-很珍贵的 因为酿酒的那几个联合企业都倒闭了 -求你们
- It's really rare 'cause the cartel that made it all died in a shoot-out. - Please.
-别再吓我了 -好了 你进去躺一会儿
- No more spooky talk. - Okay, you need to go lie down
移魂女郎: 讲述一位患有"边缘精神错乱症"的少女在精神病院进行精神之旅 找到真正自我的故事
别在我们面前演"移魂女郎"了
before you go all full Girl, Interrupted on us.
小薇 我们去找龙舌兰 找到就走
Viv, let's find this tequila and then get out of here.
-我想给大卫·格鲁[演员 歌♥手]嘚瑟一下 -过来
- I wanna show up Dave Grohl. - Come here.
我们得让她们留下来
Dude, we need them to stay, okay?
要是大地震来的时候这儿只有我俩 你觉得救援队还会来救我们吗
If the big one hits do you think the rescuers are gonna come save us if it's just you and me?
不会 可只要有这三位走在时尚前沿的Ins红人 我们就安全了
No, but if there's three fashion-forward Instagram influencers, we're safe.
同意 你这计划不错
Okay, agreed. I like your plan.
-那就好 -对了 我还想告诉你
- Good. - All right, this is something you should know, though.
克莱拉给我的照片点赞了
Clara's been liking my Instagram posts,
虽然说出来你不信
and I know you think I'm crazy,
但她说不定也会关注我
but I really think she's about to follow back.
你这个小可怜 这样还怎么完成大计
You're gonna ruin this with your sad, little elf moves.
好了 听好
God. Okay, just look.
跟我配合 灵活一点
Work with me, not at me.
我来当紧要关头关键的演员
I'm gonna assume the role of crisis entertainer...
这也是我生来就能扮演的角色 你就尽可能支持我
role I was born to play. You support me however possible.
好 但别破坏我和克莱拉的好事
Fine, but don't sabotage stuff with me and Clara.
也别把我像应急补给品一样给毁得不成样子
And please don't screw me over like you did with the emergency supplies.
不敢相信你还在气这件事
I can't believe you're still mad about that.
当然生气啊 这就是两分钟前的事情
Yeah, I'm mad about that. It happened two minutes ago, man.
我已经原谅我自己 向前看了
Okay, well, I've forgiven myself and I've moved on.
你也应该像我一样
I suggest you do the same.
这... 这什么意思
What was... what was that?
我想弹你脑壳 但有点诡异就算了
I wanted to hit you, but I felt weird.
虽然听起来有点做作
So, I know it sounds pretentious,
但是我刚看了"纽约客"[人文杂♥志♥]
but I was just reading The New Yorker,
上面在说 有时候恐惧会成为催化剂
and they had this whole thing about how fear can be an aphrodisiac,
人们常常做出错误的决定...
and people make really bad choices...
就好比我站在很高的阳台上
Like when I stand on a really high balcony
我就会对自己说 "我本来能成为一名飞行员"
and I think to myself,"I could've been a pilot."
这篇文章应该也有这层意思
Yeah, I think the article was about that, too, sure.
对了 你有阿普唑仑[抗惊恐药]吗
Anyway, do you have any Xanax?
我喝点阿普唑仑茶应该就会好些
I could really go for some Xanny tea.
-阿普唑仑茶 -班吉 赶紧给我龙舌兰
- Xanny tea? - Benj, give me the tequila.
要不然我就把甩过你的女生都招来当实习生
Otherwise I'm gonna hire every girl who's ever dumped you as one of my interns.
你要是想找那么多文盲实习生 那可别怪我 姐姐
I mean, if you want interns that can't read, that's on you, sister.
天哪 她穿的是什么啊
My God, what is she wearing?
你们好啊 这就是日常的我
Hey, guys, it's just me being regular.
开玩笑的 其实是限♥量♥版唇部刺青
JK, limited-edition lip tattoo.
你... 这是来搞笑的吗
Wh... are you wearing that as a joke?
怎么了 这很搞笑吗
Why? Is it funny?
我从在色拉布[照片分享社交应用]上认识的一个12岁小孩那儿买♥♥来的
I bought it off a 12-year-old I met on Snapchat.
你看起来像长了疱疹
It looks like you have herpes.
这样可以起个话题嘛
Well, it's a conversation starter.
想来一个吗
Want one?
谢了 下次吧
Thanks, maybe next time
等下次我们要去韩流音乐节的时候再说吧
when we're headed to a K-pop music festival.
-好好笑 -你在干什么啊
- That's funny. - What are you doing?
你像马戏团动物饼干
You look like a circus animal cookie.
她们是时尚达人
They're fashionistas.
不是12岁的叛逆少女
They're not rebellious 12-year-olds.
她们不是参与进这个话题了吗 不是也高兴了吗
Are they not engaged? They're entertained.
这样她们就不会走了
So they won't leave.
她们在嘲笑你啊
They're laughing at you.
无所谓啊 笑就是笑了
At me, with me. A laugh's a laugh.
不用大惊小怪的
There's no need to be Precious about it, okay?
大家是嘲笑路易·C·K[喜剧演员]还是还是与他一起笑 谁说得清
Look, are people laughing at Louis C. K. or are they laughing with him? Who's to say?
人在这种恐惧的情况下 总是需要找点乐子的
Look, people want to have a little bit of fun in a scary time,
我现在就是泰坦尼克沉船时表演的喜剧演员
and I'm like that standup that went down with the Titanic.
泰坦尼克上哪有喜剧演员
There wasn't a standup on the Titanic.
你以为乐队没有热场表演吗 去查资料
You think the band went up cold? Look it up.
艾丝特 你这嘴唇看得我头疼
Esther, your mouth is giving me a headache.
我是艺术家 正在表演