一起单身（2018）

This is the worst.
是啊 虽然很难受 但是你必须得和她分手
I know, it is really rough, but you have to end it.
我不能就这么分手啊
I can't just end it.
她身上有橘子的味道
She smells like tangerines.
是杏子味 而且这是大事
It's apricot, and this is serious, okay?
你不该和不三不四的人交往
You're not the kind of guy that can roll with shady people.
要是突然有皮条客找你要钱怎么办
What if a pimp shows up here and demands money?
你又不知道怎么办
You won't know what to do.
-怎么可能 -怎么不可能
- That's crazy. - Is it? Is it crazy?
你知道什么叫"杆"吗
Do you even know what a shank is?
是街头混混说的"刀"
It's street talk for "knife."
实不相瞒 知道她也有黑暗面以后
You know what? Now that I know she has a dark side,
我甚至更喜欢她了
I'm kind of into her even more.
就好像在跟猫女郎约会一样
It's like dating Catwoman.
如果她住在这 她就会用洗衣机
If she's here, she'll use the laundry machine,
我们的内衣内♥裤♥就会接触 我就会感染上HPV[人乳突瘤病毒 可能引发宫颈癌]
our underwear will touch, and I'll get HPV.
大家都有HPV
Everyone has HPV.
我就没有啊 我是最后一个没有HPV的人
I don't have HPV, and I'm the last one without it.
这是我的亮点啊 你也知道我本来就没多少亮点
It's a selling point, and you know I don't have many of those.
我不会跟谁发♥生♥关♥系♥的
I never get to make out with anybody.
自从我的斯卡乐队解散后
I haven't done under-the-pants stuff
我连飞机都没打过呢
with a girl since my ska band broke up.
真可怜 我还以为告诉你会很有意思 没想到这么伤心
This is sad. I thought this would be fun, but it's just sad.
没关系
Yeah, that's fine.
等下 还有很多菜
Wait a minute, there's more.
看起来很好吃
That looks delicious.
谢谢
Thank you.
我是不是点多了
Is this too much food?
感觉菜好多啊
I feel like I over-ordered.
没有啊 你... 你还在发育
No, no, no, no. You... are a growing girl.
要多吃点
You need to eat.
谢谢 我最近压力很大
Thanks. I've just been stressed lately
因为我有个朋友 不太听我的建议
'cause I have this friend and he won't listen to me,
而且这可能影响到我找工作了
and I feel like it's getting in the way of me getting a real job.
你很独♥立♥勇敢啊 这就是正经的工作
Well, I mean, you're a standup. That's a real job.
对我爸来说不是
Not to my dad.
他觉得我很失败 因为像我这么大的时候
He says I'm failing 'cause by my age,
艾米·怀恩豪斯[英国歌♥手 27岁死于饮酒过量]都已经红得发紫 然后死了
Amy Winehouse was already famous and dead.
一派胡言
That's nonsense.
艾米·怀恩豪斯根本就不是艺术家
Amy Winehouse was not an artist.
-真的吗 -当然不是
- Really? - No. Ooh, God.
我编的段子都是关于我的
Yeah, all my jokes are really personal and about me.
我能听一听吗
Can I hear one?
当然 叫艾丝特这个名字的不都挺性感的吗
Sure. The name Esther isn't, like, really for a hot girl,
那我应该叫"艾丝特·美丽"
so I feel like I'm "Esther Pretty."
这样我就和"艾丝特"这个名字一样美了
That's, like, as pretty as you can be with the name Esther.
好了 笑话时间不能吃东西
Okay, no eating during joke time.
真有这么搞笑吗
Do you really think it's that funny?
太有才了
My God, that's brilliant.
能跟你聊聊真是太高兴了 我...
It's so cool to talk to you 'cause I just, I don't know...
有时我都觉得自己特失败 因为我只有一条毛巾
sometimes I think I'm a loser 'cause I only own one towel.
我等会儿可以带你去买♥♥东西啊
Well, I could take you shopping after this
-只要你不觉得奇怪 -你在逗我吗
- unless you think it's weird. - Are you kidding me?
要是我在伊利诺斯的家里
If I was home in Illinois right now,
我爸就会带我去逛街
that's exactly what I would be doing with my dad,
所以一点也不奇怪
so of course that's not weird.
那就好 那你多喝点汤
Good. In that case, I want you to have some of this soup.
好的 谢谢
Yes, please.
工作上手了 真为你高兴
I'm glad the job's working out.
是啊 我超爱的
Yeah, I love it.
我试了好多免费衣服
I've been getting tons of free clothes,
不过我一直都穿着免费衣服
but I always get free clothing.
是啊 我也有哥哥姐姐
Yeah, I have older siblings too.
你叫的车到了
Your lift is here.
等下
Wait.
太谢谢你了
Thank you so much.
没落下什么东西吧
Okay, you got everything?
谢谢你 今晚很美好 艾丝特
Okay, thanks for a great evening, Esther.
-我支付宝打给你 -好
- Listen, I'll PayPal you. - Got it.
冰淇淋要化了 先走了
Melting gelato. Gotta run.
那谁啊
Who was that?
天哪 我认识那个人
My God, I totally know that guy.
他和我以前的同事约过会
He used to go out with my old coworker.
给她买♥♥了辆韦士伯[黄蜂牌小型摩托车] 超酷的
He bought her a Vespa, which is pretty cool.
保姆同事吗
Like, a nanny coworker?
没错
Yeah.
怕冰淇淋化了 你哪次会不把甜点吃完
Melting gelato? When do you not finish your dessert?
-你这个骗子 -你在说什么
- You're such a hypocrite. - What are you talking about?
你表现得这么担心我和夏洛特约会
You acted all worried about me for dating Charlotte,
-自己却跑去做危险的应♥召♥女 -你什么意思
- but what's more dangerous than being an actual escort? - What do you mean?
夏洛特认识那个人 她和他一起工作过
Charlotte recognized that guy. She's worked with him before.
我们只不过是吃了点芝士通心粉 然后他送了我个花洒
All we did was eat mac and cheese, and he got me a shower caddy.
-就这样而已 -你不害臊吗
- That's it. - You should be ashamed of yourself.
为了免费的浴室用品 毁了家族名誉
You're ruining your family name for free bathroom essentials.
你少说我了
Don't judge me, okay?
我是为了保护你才卷进来的
I only got into this to protect you.
保护我 你可能会害得自己被砍头
Protect me? You could literally get your head cut off!
别逗了 沃伦砍不了任何人的头
Come on. Warren's not cutting anyone's head off,
他有类风湿性关节炎
not with his rheumatoid arthritis, okay?
艾丝特 我替你担心
Esther, I'm scared for you.
你也就90斤吧
You weigh, like, 99 pounds.
-你真这么觉得 -别装可爱
- You think? - Don't be cute.
男人给女孩钱 带她出去玩
When guys give girls money to hang out with them,
就觉得有资格做些什么
they're going to feel entitled to things.
我跟他没有性关系
There's no sex involved.
我见过你吃芝士通心粉 非常色情
I've seen you eat mac and cheese. It's very sexual.
那倒是真的 但是你知道吗
That may be true, but you know what?
我需要的东西 他都能给我
I have everything I need from this, okay?
有钱能还学生贷款
Money to pay down my student loans,
还有大叔给的情感支持 你就别管了
and emotional support from a baby boomer. Let me be.
我以前认识的艾丝特去哪了
What happened to the Esther I used to know?
汉娜·蒙塔纳·艾丝特已经死了 现在的是麦莉
Hannah Montana Esther is dead. Welcome to Miley.
你走吧 我受不了了
You should just go. I'm done with you.
什么也别告诉我姐
Just don't tell my sister anything.
我已经和你姐说了夏洛特的事
I told your sister about Charlotte.
她现在说不定已经开除她了 再见
She's probably fired her by now. Peace.
没关系 我和夏洛特情比金坚
That's okay. Me and Charlotte have a strong love.
她失去这份工作也没关系
Doesn't matter if she loses that job.
是哦
Yeah.
你姐把我开除了
Your sister fired me.
该死 我恨她
Damn it! I hate her.
我姐 我是说我恨我姐
My sister. I hate my sister.
我不知道 我好烦 你能安慰安慰我吗
I don't know. I'm so upset. Will you just console me?
来躺下 和我讲讲
Come lay with me, tell me all about it.
我不想坐在那和你看动画片
I don't want to, like, sit and watch cartoons with you, okay?
"安慰我"的意思是 给我买♥♥个礼物
"Console me" means, like, buy me a present.
好吧
Okay.
说到礼物
Here's the thing with presents.
你看着的确需要礼物
You look like someone who deserves presents.
-我想送你礼物 -谢谢
- I want to give you presents. - Thank you.
但是呢
The thing is, is that
我吧 估计有一阵子见不到我父母
I'm not gonna see my parents for a couple of days,
见不到他们 我就拿不到新的礼品卡
and that's when I get my fresh round of gift cards.
算了 我要走了
Okay, you know what? I'm gonna go.
别走别走 别这样 不要走
Don't go, don't go, come on, please don't go.
留下来
Come on.
上次派对还剩了不少酒
There's a ton of leftover booze from the party.
我们可以调点混合酒
We can make mixed drinks or something.
不错吧
That sounds fun, right?
好吧
Okay.
我要蔓越橘伏特加 你要伏特加伏特加