一起单身（2018）

This little shampoo could be for a human or a doll.
又来了
Yeah, right.
你直接去语♥音♥信箱吧
You are going straight to voicemail.
天哪 也许听起来有点疯狂
My God. This may sound crazy,
但是我也许真的能去打常青巡回赛[为超过50的老球员而设的高尔夫球巡回赛]
but I have a legit chance at the senior tour.
我一直保留着体力呢
I've been saving my body.
我搞不懂
I'm confused.
一般来说 我对死人的判断都很准确
I'm normally a really good judge of dead people,
但有件事说不通
but something's not adding up.
她过着幸福的的隐居生活
How does a happy recluse end up with
又怎么会有各州首府的限♥量♥小勺呢
a limited-edition spoon from every single state capital?
看看她的日记吧
Try reading her diary.
班吉 我怎么能随便看她的日记
Benji, I'm not gonna read her diary.
这是侵犯别人隐私啊
That is so invasive.
-是你找不到吧 -是我没找到
- You can't find it. - I can't find it.
能藏东西的地方我都找遍了
I've searched everywhere, every hiding spot.
导出都放着小熊软糖 艾瑟尔有问题...
It's all gummi bears. Ethel had a problem...
我能感同身受 也不会去批判她
that I very much relate to and I'm not judging at all.
天哪 班吉 班吉
My God, Benji, Benji, Benji.
日记本 肯定在放糖的抽屉里
The diary, it's in the candy drawer.
我这就去找
I gotta go find it.
所以老虎泰格才需要多点动作 让看他高尔夫的人不分心[指泰格·伍兹的众多绯闻]
This is why Tiger needs a little something extra to just tune out these distractions.
就像在说 "快看啊 我要摆臂啦"
It's like, "Hello! I'm in my backswing!"
天了噜
My God.
班吉 艾瑟尔的事我完全想错了
Benji, I was all wrong about Ethel.
原谅我的法语 但她可过着[法语]疯狂的人生
Pardon my French, but she was living la vida loca.
有一次她在游轮赌场里待了三天
She once spent three days on a riverboat casino
只吃龙虾 只喝香槟
eating nothing but lobsters and champagne
后来人们才发现她其实不是魔术师
before people found out she wasn't really a magician.
她真是太厉害了
I mean, she was unstoppable.
听起来像隆达·罗西一样[前UFC冠军]
Nice. Sounds like a real Ronda Rousey.
-喂 -好啊 您老可算接电♥话♥了
- Yo. - Okay, so now you pick up?
完事了没
Are you done yet?
还没有 但我不想再帮你做事了
No, I'm not done yet, but I am done helping you do everything,
也不做物业管理了
and I'm done with property management. Boom!
行吧 随你的便 我的十字弓怎么样了
Sure, you are. Okay. Hey, what's the status of my crossbow?
你可能有情感问题
I think you have emotional problems.
我最近刚读过一本讲情商的书
You know, I recently read this thing about emotional intelligence,
你八成没有情商
and I don't think you got it.
-再见 老哥 -天哪
- Peace out, bro. - My God.
我要取消和国际亲善的预约
You know what? I'm gonna cancel that Goodwill appointment for good.
然后我们可以一直这样过下去
We can live like this forevah!
不行
I can't.
艾瑟尔没有隐居
Ethel wasn't some shut-in, okay?
她的人生特别充实
She was living her life to the fullest.
就在她去世前一周
A week before she died,
她还在芝加哥参加公牛队的篮球梦想训练营呢
she was out running with the Bulls in Chicago at basketball fantasy camp.
你干嘛要急着重新回到现实世界啊
I mean, I don't know what your rush is to re-enter the real world.
现在过得多好啊
We got a good thing going here, man.
看看我 我的腰感觉好舒服
I mean, look at me. My lower back feels great,
又刚刚摆脱了我哥 还能躺着尿尿 多完美
I just got rid of my brother, I'm peeing laying down, it's great.
我不玩了 谁也不能阻止我回那家餐厅
Well, I'm done. Nothing is gonna stop me from going back to that restaurant
在桌上为不懂感激的客人跳舞
and dancing on tables for ungrateful tourists.
千禧一代真是想让全世界都退不了休
Man, millennials are just ruining everyone's retirement.
你负责把它修好 把手放进去
You gotta fix it, man. Just put your hand in there.
-天哪 -怎么了
- My God. - What?
太好了
Yeah.
就这样
Yeah.
-窒息... -看吧 没那么糟
-I can't... -See, that wasn't that bad.
你上一垒了
You got to first base.
你少笑我 我又不是没约过妹子
Stop teasing me. I get chicks.
对 我的电影也都大受好评
Yeah, and I got good reviews on all my films.
太恶心了 我要去冲澡睡觉
Look, I feel gross. I'm gonna go shower and take a nap.
退了休就是这样 冲澡睡觉
'Cause that's what retired people do. We shower, we take naps,
再往后腰抹软膏
we put some ointment on our lower backs.
坐着 抽烟 冲澡 真像威利·尼尔森[美国乡村歌♥手]
Sit, smoke, shower, Willie Nelson-style.
来人呐
Help!
保利
Pauly!
跳得还行 还可以
That was good. That was good.
可我说了
But, I told you before,
我们目前不招服务生
we aren't hiring waitresses right now.
没错 但我不管 我不接受被拒绝
Well, I was not listening, and I will not take no for an answer.
不好意思 我们之间是有误会吗
I'm sorry, are we gonna have a problem here?
你雇我 就没误会了
The only problem we are gonna have here
要不我就天天来
is if you don't hire me, because I will show up here every single day,
穿着双从哪位去世老太太家里偷来的鞋
and I will dance on this desk in shoes that I may or may not have stolen
在这桌上跳舞
from a dead lady's apartment.
好吧 你身高不够当舞娘
Okay, you're not tall enough to be a hostess.
我不想当舞娘
I don't wanna be a hostess, okay?
我是个艺人 我要出去推销炸薯块
I am an entertainer, and I wanna be out there pushing tater tots
大跳爵士方步舞
and dancing in jazz squares.
好吧 只要你能保证下次来的时候穿内衣
Okay, well, if you promise to wear underwear next time,
我就让你上周一周二的下午班
I can give you Mondays and Tuesdays, late afternoon shifts.
那时候只用勾兑一下蕃茄酱[marry也有结婚之意]
It's mostly when we're just marrying the ketchups.
太感谢了
Thank you so much.
我一直梦想在婚礼上跳舞
I've always wanted to dance at a wedding.
来人呐 救命啊
Somebody help! Help!
班吉宝贝
Baby Benji?
我就这么挂了
This is how I die.
和吉姆·莫里森[60年代摇滚明星]一样死在浴缸里
In a bathtub like Jim Morrison.
班吉宝贝
Baby Benji?
保利 我在浴室
Pauly! I'm in here in the bathroom!
我困在这五个小时了
I've been stuck in here for five hours.
只能吃乳木果沐浴液了
I had to eat body wash with shea butter in it.
我叫的不是这个
That's not the thing I'm whoa-ing about.
是你的丁丁 长得好奇怪
It's your penis. It's very weird-looking.
我丁丁正常得很 别瞎扯淡
It's totally normal. Come on.
好吧 让我来帮你这犹太小身板儿
Okay, let me help your little Jewish body.
-你就像又参加了次受诫礼 -慢点慢点
- It's like you're having another bath mitzvah -Hold on, hold on.
来 坐在这儿 不过我救了你 你得承认
Here, sit here. I saved you though. You have to admit,
-你呼救时 是谁挺身而出 -谢了 老兄
- When you scream, who shows up?- Thanks, dude.
你是好人 救了我一命
You're a good guy. You saved my life.
老兄 退休生活不适合我
I don't think this retirement thing is gonna work out, dude.
我可能得搬回我哥那儿了
I probably gotta move back in with my brother.
别呀 别搬回去呀
No, no, don't move in with him.
我必须重拾旧业 老兄
I gotta get my old job back, dude.
我... 真恨你哥
I just... I hate your brother.
退休的日子太孤独了 我受不了
This retirement is just a level of loneliness l can't handle.
退休会把你变得又软又黏
I mean, retirement makes you soft and squishy.
我忘说了
I forgot to tell you about that.
你看我这身肉 恶心吧
It's, like, feel my meat. It's disgusting, right?
你还有别的天赋
You got other things going for you.
不用担心你的赘肉
Don't worry about your squishiness.
比如什么呢
Like what?
看吧 尴尬的沉默
Exactly. Awkward pause.
我爱你 孩子 我爱你
I love you, son, I love you, son.
-知道吗 照顾好自己 -谢谢
- All right? Take care. - Thanks. I appreciate it.
-再见 -再见 哥们儿 谢谢你
- Later. - Later, bud. Thank you.
好的
All right.
成功了 我现在是跳舞服务生了
I did it. I'm a dancing waitress.
太好了 你肯定能在那儿做得风生水起
Congrats! You really gotta have game to work there.
没错 你知道吗
I know, and you know what?
别人得花好多年才能得到这个工作
It takes people years to get to where I am,
我不过就告诉那经理我是认真的
and all I had to do was show that manager that I was serious,
不达目的决不罢休
laser-focused, and that she could never, ever, ever escape me.
懂了 你就像是服务行业的后腰刺青
Okay, so you're, like, the lower-back tattoo of the service industry.
我就是不顾一切
I'm whatever it takes, dude.
都是艾瑟尔的功劳
All thanks to Ethel.
帮我跟图派克[说唱歌♥手 96年逝世]也打个招呼吧
Will you say hi to Tupac for me?
不是吧
No.
艾瑟尔的东西 你找搬运工了吗