一起单身（2018）

班吉
Benji.
早啊
Hey there.
你都这么坐了五小时了
You've been sitting like that for five hours.
是不是得看看你长没长褥疮啊
Should we do a quick bed sore check?
是这样的 我看到你Ins发了张水族馆的照片 打着"梦想"和"总有一天"的标签
Okay, I saw your instagram post of a picture of an aquarium with the #dreams, #oneday
要不要商量一下
and should we talk about this?
我在社交网络上做个鱼缸梦不行吗
I'm manifesting my fish tank dreams on social media, okay?
让我一个人静静行不行
Just leave me alone, please.
这样... 看着我
Okay... look at me.
你这么低落
You're obviously depressed, okay?
只吃沙拉 在Ins上发水族馆照片 作为你不正式的法定监护人
You're only eating salads, you're posting aquariums on instagram, and as your unofficial legal guardian,
我不能昧着良心撒手不管
I cannot in good conscience leave you here.
艾丝特 这叫蝾螺
Esther, those are turbo snails.
它们不抬杠
They don't talk back.
自己做清洁 也不会歧视我只吃沙拉
They clean up after themselves. They don't salad shame.
我此刻要找的就是这样的友谊
That's what I'm looking for right now in terms of friendship.
说到友谊 你等我下
Okay, speaking of friendship, one quick sec.
生日快乐
Happy birthday!
祝你生日快乐 班吉
Happy birthday, Benji.
今天是你生日 我当然记得啦
It's your birthday! Of course I remembered.
你肯定以为我忘了 起来
You thought I forgot. Look, get up.
我们去找乐子吧 快起来
We gotta do something. Get up.
-你不能这样一直坐着啊 给我起来 -住手 放开我
- You can't just sit here. Get up. - Hey, hey, hey, hey!
我不去
No.
我不想再去红花铁板烧过生日了
Look, man, I'm burnt out on benihana birthdays.
他们扔来的虾子我接不到
They throw the shrimp at me. I can't catch it.
我脖子就是不灵活 我能怎么办
I have no neck dexterity. It's tough.
不会啦 这次不会去红花铁板烧啦 班吉
No, this ain't no benihana birthday, Benj.
这次计划很特别 因为我在伯克利的节目上报了名
We have very special plans because I am opening up at a show in Berkeley
还能请我的朋友 也就是你 班吉一起上台表演
and there's enough stage time for my friend, Benji, to come with and perform, too.
听着挺好玩
I mean, that sounds fun
可我行李袋里丢了包大♥麻♥
but I lost a nug of weed in my duffle bag
运输安♥全♥局♥的警犬会闻到的
and I think a TSA dog will find it.
我们不坐飞机 来一场生日公路旅行吧
We're not flying. This right here is a birthday road trip!
一路开去伯克利
Road trip all the way to Berkeley?
-是啊 -拒绝
- Yeah. - Pass.
这是礼物 你不能拒绝
You can't pass on a gift, okay?
肯定会很好玩
It's gonna be so much fun.
这是你第一次生日公路旅行
It's gonna be your first birthday road trip
也是我第一次公路旅行
and my first anytime road trip.
你怎么会没有过公路旅行
How have you never been on a road trip?
这不是中西部穷苦人♥民♥官方度假方式吗
Isn't that the official vacation of poor people from the midwest?
是这么说 可我爸妈总说
It is, but my parents always told me that they
我出生前 他们就已经把好玩的公路旅行过完了
did all the good road trips before I was born.
我本打算就这样坐一天的 这样的话...
Well, I'm probably just gonna sit around all day anyways, so...
不如去看看风景吧
Might as well have the scenery change?
太棒了 肯定会很好玩
Yes! My god, it's gonna be so much fun.
音乐 零食 还有神秘可怕的目的地
The music, the snacks, the secret scary stops.
来锤个胸 你不许还手
The punch buggy. No punch backs.
-我做对了吗 -错了
- Did I do that right? - No.
你今天肯定会很愉快 因为是你生日
You're gonna have the best time because it's your birthday.
在生日上表演个喜剧节目那更是再好不过
And doing a comedy set on your birthday is the best thing ever
因为观众会觉得你生日还要表演节目很可怜
'cause audiences feel bad for you
就会整晚都很捧场
and they'll give you free laughs all night.
算了吧 我还不至于沦落到廉价生日笑柄吧
Come on, I'm above cheap happy birthday laughs.
这跟要我在台上拉屎一样蠢
That's the equivalent of humping a stool on stage.
我个人认为 你本来就够沦落了
Well, I personally don't think you're above anything,
但这事等会儿再说吧
but we could talk about that later.
随便你想干什么 走吧
Do whatever you want. Let's go.
你来开车
You have to drive.
-怎么了 -每次都让我开车啊
- What? - You always make me drive, dude.
我知道 可你想想
I know, but think about this.
你开车就是你掌权
You are in control.
坐在司机的位置上
You're in the literal driver's seat, all right?
决定车上人的生死
You choose if we live or die.
随你怎么逼逼 我反正不信
Your arguments don't get more convincing just 'cause you don't stop talking.
要是死了 我们都不能停车下去买♥♥零食
You know, we can't even stop for snacks if we're dead,
所以你的地位非常重要
so your position is the most important.
杰夫 你也去吗
Jeff, you're coming?
当然了 这可是生日公路旅行
Hell, yeah, man. Come on, birthday road trip.
天哪 太帅了
My god. This is so cool.
-是吧 -是啊 特别帅
- Right? - Yeah, it looks great.
这要花差不多200块
It's probably gonna cost like 200 bucks
才能恢复原样吧 不过管他呢
to detail this out, but whatever.
我是不会付钱的
Okay, well, I won't pay that.
那这是个什么节目
So, what's this gig about?
我是那里一家俱乐部的主角
So I'm headlining a club up there
以前我在伯克利读书 这次正好是校友聚会
because I went to Berkeley and it's alumni weekend.
我也算加州大学伯克利分校的传说了
I'm kind of a UC Berkeley legend.
你都辍学了 怎么就成传说了
How can you be a legend? You dropped out.
拜托 我被开除是因为 我把屎拉在盘子里
Excuse you! I got kicked out because I pooped on a plate
然后把盘子放在大学共和党的冰箱里
and put it in the college Republicans' fridge.
从那以后我喝酒从来不花钱
I never paid for a single beer since.
-我很佩服你 -多谢
- I like that. Respect, dude. - Thank you.
你们没有收拾行李吗
You guys didn't pack any bags.
我们行李很少
Um, we pack really light.
那就出发吧
So, let's do this.
最少也要带个床单吧
I would at least bring sheets or something.
那些表演喜剧的地方住宿太恶心了
These comedy hotel places are gross
到处都是接吻病细菌
and everything's covered in mono.
-是啊 -可是是免费的
- Yeah. - But it's free.
-等等 -怎么了
- Hey, hey, wait a second. - What's up?
为什么他觉得我们要在外过夜
Um, why does he think we're spending the night?
天哪 我只顾着计划完美的公路旅行了
My god. I got so distracted by planning the perfect road trip
忘了把行程告诉他
that I forgot to type up the itinerary.
那行吧 那你应该跟他说了 我们把住酒店的钱私吞了
All right, but you did tell him that we pocketed the money from the hotel,
所以不留宿 晚上还得开五个小时回城吧
we're not staying, and that we're driving five hours back tonight, right?
没有说 感觉现在说怪怪的
No, I didn't, and it just seems like a weird time to have that conversation now.
不怪啊 现在说刚刚好
No, it seems like a great time to have this conversation.
杰夫 现在是这样
No, here's the thing, Jeff.
这趟公路旅行 班吉会很享受
Benji's going to have so much fun on this road trip,
他压根儿不会想要住酒店
that he isn't even gonna want a hotel
到时候住店反而打断了他的兴致
because at this point, a hotel would be merely an interruption.
我都快信了
That was really convincing.
说服别人关键是手势要多
The trick is to move your hands a lot.
可以了
All right.
-我都晕了 -走吧
- I got vertigo. - Let's do it!
你们可真幸运
Okay, so you guys are so lucky right now.
我带了首歌♥ 是我七年级时做的混音
I have had this mix forever and I made it in seventh grade
当时我们班要集体去州府...
for our class field trip to our state capital...
斯普林菲尔德 我从来没有... 算了 其实我没去成
Springfield, and I never... Well, actually, I couldn't go
因为我当时有青少年亲子依赖症
because I have, I had teen onset parental attachment disorder.
是的 现在请你们
Yeah, so please,
做好准备
get ready!
♪她说的话 她说的话♪
♪ All the things she said, all the things she said ♪
♪在我脑中浮现 在我脑中浮现♪
♪ running through my head, running through my head ♪
♪在我脑中浮现♪
♪ running through my head ♪
♪她说的话♪
♪ all the things she said ♪
♪...在我脑中浮现♪
♪ ...running through my head ♪
♪在我脑中浮现 她说的话♪
♪ running through my head, all the things she said ♪
你居然这么活过来了
Yes, live through it.
♪还不够♪
♪ Not enough ♪
好了 不好意思 关掉 快关掉
Okay, I'm sorry. This has to stop. This has to stop.
我要集中精神开车
I'm trying to drive.
二位 实不相瞒 我这音乐刚好能播到
You guys, I'm sorry. I made this mix perfectly timed out
我们到鲍威尔吃鸡圣殿
so that we would get to Powell's chicken palace
吃顿早时晚餐 荷兰人称之为晚饭
right on time for early dinner, which the Dutch call supper.
想不到吧 这趟公路旅行还能涨知识
I bet you didn't know this would be an educational road trip as well.
不敢苟同 但我欣赏你的自信
I don't think that's true, but I love your confidence.
我知道鲍威尔