一起单身（2018）

看 班吉 我是个漂亮女孩
Look, Benji. I'm a pretty girl.
我不吃主食 因为我就是你的主食
I don't eat carbs, because I am carbs.
恶心 我不吃意面了
That's disgusting. I'm not eating the spaghetti now.
-为什么 怎么了 -你手脏
- Why? What's wrong with it? - Your hands are dirty.
医生都徒手给人做开胸手术
People do surgery on open hearts with their bare hands,
你却不让我碰你的意面
and you're telling me I can't touch your pasta?
-他们会戴手套 -不会
- They wear gloves. - No, they don't.
-戴了 -不能把手套放进人体
- Yeah, they do. - You can't put a glove in an open human body.
医生这样戴手套
Doctors go like "this" with the glove.
然后会这样脱手套 再伸进去
And then they go like "this" when it's time to go in.
不 你这才是把手套丢进人体内
No, that's how you lose a glove inside a body.
脱下手套 交给助理 进入
Take the glove off, hand it to your assistant, go in.
第三世界国家
There are third world countries
医生都戴手套
that have doctors with gloves.
女童子军饼干吗
Girl Scout Cookies?
你懂的 我要薄荷巧克力味
Thin Mints, you know it.
幸好家里有人 抱歉打扰了
Thank God you're home. OK, I don't want to bother you,
但实在忍♥不住了... 我在公益骑行
I have to... I'm on a charity bike ride.
几英里前我骑进了一个大坑
I hit a pothole a few miles back,
弄伤了我的降结肠
and it did a number on my descending colon.
明白 我有肠易激综合症
Yeah, I get it. I've got IBS.
我都尽量避免涉及到胯部的运动
I try to avoid crotch-based exercises,
因为我整个下♥体♥非常敏感 所以...
'cause my whole undercarriage is really sensitive, and it's just...
-单车底座对我很不友好 -好吧
- Those bicycle seats. No one's friend. - OK. Cool.
谢谢你的建议 不过我现在其实是
Thanks for the advice, but I'm actually in a position
想跟你借厕所 所以才来这儿的
where I need to use your bathroom,and that's why I'm here.
班吉 别忘了薄荷巧克力饼干
Benji, don't forget the Thin Mints.
他不是卖♥♥饼干的... 对了
He's not a cookie salesman... yeah.
山底有家星巴克
There's a Starbucks at the bottom of the hill.
-不... -要是你去星巴克
- No... - If you're going to Starbucks,
可以给我带杯蛋素拿铁吗
will you grab me a vegan eggnog latte?
-不用给她带 -我知道是季节限定 不过他们会做的
- You don't have to. - I know it's seasonal. No, they'll make it.
不 我撑不住了
No, I'm not gonna make it.
拜托
Please.
-好吧 -太好了 谢谢 拿着头盔
- OK. - Yes! OK, thank you so much. Hold my helmet.
-非常感谢 -就在上面
- Thank you so much. - Yeah, it's just right up there.
-我不担心 -里面有... 我不...
- Yeah, I'm not worried. - There's a... yeah, I wouldn't...
-好吧 -他身材挺好
- OK. - He was kinda hot.
是啊 挺强壮 结肠突出 像个好人
Yeah, he's athletic, colon-forward, seems like a good guy.
刚刚是谁进了我厕所
Who just walked into my bathroom?
...我朋友
...my friend?
你朋友 扯淡
Your friend? You know what?
你只有一个朋友好吗 我现在正盯着她呢
You only have one friend, OK? And I'm staring at her right now.
迪恩 那个人骑自行车不舒服
Dean, it was a shitting man on a bicycle.
我发誓 我阻止班吉了
I tried to stop Benji, I swear.
你为什么会让陌生人进我家
Why would you let a stranger into my house?
我... 我... 我不知道
I... I... I don't know.
因为你讨厌我吗
Is it 'cause you hate me?
你是不是讨厌你哥 我可是你哥
You hate your brother? I'm your brother!
不 我不讨厌... 我爱你
No, no, I don't hate... I love you.
我爱你
I love you.
好吧 非常好
All right, well, that's very nice,
不过你们知道爱一个人是什么意思吗
but do you know what the funny thing about loving someone is?
如果你爱一个人 尤其是这个人又供你吃
When you love somebody, especially somebody that feeds you
供你住 你就不要让流浪汉
and houses you, you don't let a homeless man
进来用8000块的日式厕所
come in and use your $8000 Japanese toilet.
迪恩 我想告诉你 我从来没用过你的厕所
Dean, I just want you to know that I have never used your bathroom,
也没有在圣诞节 你出去的时候
and I have never masturbated in your bed
在你床上自♥慰♥
on Christmas while you were out of town.
那就是有 她就是有
That means you have. That means she has.
我跟她说过不准进你房♥间 她不听
I tell her not to go in your room. She doesn't listen.
现在 我的马桶
Right now, my toilet is blasting
正在用高级的薰衣草水给陌生男子洗屁♥眼♥
some strange man's perineum with lavender water, OK?
我现在直犯恶心 我... 老实说
God, I'm so grossed out right now. I am... honestly?
你带进家的每个人 都让我觉得恶心
I am grossed out by everybody that you bring into this house.
你反应也太大了 我只是心肠好
I think you're overreacting. I was just being nice.
你不是什么心肠好 只是个软蛋 不敢跟陌生人说"不"
You're not nice, dude. You're just too beta to say "no" to a stranger.
软蛋也不差 好歹还是第二名呢[贝塔是希腊字母表的第2个字母] 是银牌
I mean, beta's not bad. That's number two. That's a silver medal.
其实你连软蛋都算不上
You know what? You're not even a beta.
知道你是什么吗 你是绿帽
You know what you are? You're a cuck.
就这样数 A B C 大佬 软蛋 绿帽
That's what it goes. A - B - C. Alpha, Beta, Cuck.
我没有绿帽
I am not a cuck.
-你就是绿帽 -我不可能戴绿帽
- Yes, you are a cuck. - I can't be a cuck.
-我连老婆都没有 -不要在意这些细节
- I don't have a wife. - Technicalities.
有人可能会戴绿帽 有人会当老大
OK, look, some people might be cucks. Some people might be alphas.
我们要感受多元文化
We have to celebrate diversity.
谢了哥们
Thanks, dude. Totally.
这厕所简直是泰式之旅
That toilet is a real trip to Thailand.
谢谢帮忙拿头盔 你好 我是保罗
Thanks for holdin' that. Hey, Paul.
你好...
How's it...
他看起来不是很好吗
Didn't he seem nice?
你好像桉树上的树袋熊
You're like a koala goin' at a eucalyptus tree
好像什么都不在乎
like it ain't nothing.
我喜欢看你吃东西 会不会很奇怪
Is it weird that I like to watch you eat?
你好平静 但... 吃得又猛
You're so still, but... violent.
一点都不奇怪
It's not weird at all.
很多人都爱看我吃东西
A lot of people like to watch me eat.
-真的吗 -是啊
- Really? - Yeah.
-比如 -不能说
- Like who? - Can't tell.
不能说 我很确定
You can't tell? I'm pretty sure
肯定就我一个
I'm the only one in this demo.
好吧 班吉
All right, Benji.
我不想这样
I didn't want to have to do this,
但你把我逼到绝境了
but you've backed me into a corner.
我有个黑暗的秘密
I have a deep, dark secret.
各位 我是艾丝特兔兔
Guys! It's the Esther Bunny!
今天是复活节 大家懂的
It's Easter, so you know what that means.
是时候看我吃30个兔兔棉花糖啦
It's time to watch me put 30 marshmallow bunnies in my mouth.
搬到洛杉矶以后 在线吃播是我的创意宣泄口
Online eating videos were my creative outlet when I first moved to L.A.
你有10万播放量
You have 100,000 views.
我成功得很快
Things took off really fast.
后来有点喘不过气 就决定不做了
I kinda got overwhelmed, and I decided to walk away.
而且 我的摄像头掉进奶酪火锅了
Plus, I dropped my webcam in fondue.
各位 搬进来
Guys, bring 'er in right here.
马桶就安在那里面的角落
Toilet goes right around the corner in there.
要是你们想上厕所
And, if you guys need to go to the bathroom,
去我弟弟床上解决
just make sure to go all over my brother's bed,
因为他是烂好人 不会对陌生人说"不"
because he's too nice to say "no" to strangers. OK.
你要换新马桶
You're gonna get a new toilet?
你都不知道那个人
You don't even know what that guy did
怎么上的厕所 说不定是半蹲的
in your bathroom. He could a hovered.
那可是泰普尔座位 没人能半蹲
It was a Tempur-Pedic seat, so nobody was hovering.
对了
By the way,
能不能先别急着
could you wait on putting the word out
把我装了新马桶的事放话给毒贩
to the meth community about my new toilet?
我想等马桶完全装好再说
I want to wait till it's completely installed.
好
OK. OK.
戏精
What a drama queen.
你搞砸了
You messed up.
说起来 这是什么东西
Speaking of which, what just happened here?
这些小猪鼻子
Those are like these little piggy snouts
大家喜欢的时候就会送给你
that people give you when they like you.
-猪鼻子 -对
- Piggy snouts? - Yeah, it's like
一种好玩的数字货币 就像...
a fun digital currency, like...
"真棒 小猪猪"
"Good job, piggy."
艾丝特 上面写了"B" 是比特币
Esther, that's a "B." That's bit-coin.
不是侧面的猪鼻子符号♥吗
It's not a sideways piggy snout?
可能当时不太值钱
That probably wasn't worth much back then,
但现在 我猜 大概值一万六了吧
but I think you have, I don't know, like, 16 grand there?
多少...