一起单身（2018）

just 'cause, like, I have asthma and vertigo and stress-induced shingles,
而且9年级的时候宣过誓不会参与类似活动
and I signed an oath in ninth grade that l wouldn't be involved in this kind of behavior,
所以我要坚守誓言
so I'm gonna stick to it.
好吧
I mean, okay.
那你要不直接去那个老太太家
Why don't you just go to the old lady's apartment
把清单列一下
and take inventory of her stuff?
一个人去吗 有鬼怎么办
By myself? What if there's a ghost?
不知道 跟他交个朋友 写个"鬼爸爸"[1990年喜剧电影]续集呗
I don't know. Be friend it and write a sequel to Ghost Dad, dude.
第一部我都没看过
I haven't seen the first one.
不用看啊
You don't have to.
见到你很高兴 波利先生
It was very nice to meet you, Mr. Pauly.
祝您一切好运
I wish you all the luck.
我十分钟后就到
I'll be there in ten minutes.
我闹着玩的 随时回来玩哦
All right, I'm just playing. Come back here anytime.
好 见到你很高兴
Okay, nice to meet you.
但我宣你 宣你 超宣你的啦
But I like you, I like you, I like you!
她有故事吗 好像不太高兴啊
So what's her story, man? She's wild.
她有点不开心
She's kind of upset,
是因为她去面试心仪的工作被拒了
'cause she went to interview for her dream job, and she didn't get it.
你们千禧一代就这毛病
You know, that's the problem with you millennials.
工作太努力了
You work too hard.
你们就该像甜宝喘一样退休
You should just retire like SBW.
什么甜宝喘
SBW?
甜心宝贝喘气 你懂的
Sweet Baby Wheeze, bro. You know how it is.
-喘喘气 -是啊
- Wheeze. - Yeah.
有人吗
Hello?
有腐烂的尸体吗
Any decomposing corpses?
天呐
My God.
老天啊
My God.
是我名字缩写诶
Those are my initials.
老弟 你抽太多了
Dude, you smoked way too much.
简直超级石化了
You look super stonesy, dude.
没有 一般般啦
No, bro, I'm, like, medium stonesy.
我就是对小黄油特别过敏
I'm just super allergic to Butterz.
我得去找艾丝特
I gotta go get Esther.
她在老太太那屋快两小时了
She's been in that old lady's apartment for, like, two hours.
可能都在墙上写"谋杀"了
She's probably writing "redrum" on the walls.
好吧 回见
All right, I'll see ya.
-别把小黄油放出去了 -知道
- Don't let Butterz out. - I know.
上帝啊... 超解压
God, the... the pressure release.
-老铁 -我找到冰淇淋啦
- Dude. - I found my ice cream.
加点朗姆酒 葡萄干 和冰霜
It tastes just like vanilla when you eat around the rum,
吃起来就和香草味一样啦
the raisins, and the freezer burn.
欢迎光临
Welcome.
别乱翻过世老太太的东西了
Stop going through this dead lady's stuff.
你这是给我惹麻烦
You're gonna get me in trouble.
得了吧 你都为波利破了例
Come on. You bend the rules for Pauly.
怎么不能为了我也破次例呢
Why can't you bend them for me, too, okay?
波利·肖尔 可能会让我出名
Pauly Shore might get me famous.
而你是在妄想 好吧
You're being delusional, all right?
你根本不认识她
You don't even know this woman.
我们姓名缩写相同 服装尺码相当
We have the same initials, we wear the same size.
你不懂
You don't understand.
艾瑟尔跟我种有特别的关联
Ethel and I have a special connection.
你看 她把最唉的名人照片挂在墙上 我也一样
Okay, look, she has pictures of her favorite celebrities up on her wall just like I do.
那个是克拉克·盖博[演员 代表作"乱世佳人
That right there is Clark Gable,
四舍五入就是她那个年代的萨莎·拜伦·科恩[演员 代表作"雨果" "悲惨世界
AKA the Sacha Baron Cohen of her generation.
好奇问一句 你觉得"四舍五入"是什么意思
Just out of curiosity, what do you think AKA stands for?
大约等于是
Also kinda alike.
好吧 没毛病
Okay, not bad.
甚至连她整理梳妆台的方式都和我一样
She even organized her vanity the same way I do,
就是意识流的形式
by stream of consciousness.
我敢说要是把手伸进去... 天哪 小熊软糖
I bet if I just reached my hand in... My God, gummy bears.
感觉命中注定我会来这里
It's like I was meant to be here.
别吃 不要吃啊 天啊
Don't eat those, don't eat those.God.
你这一口 就得花大约20年才能拉出来
It's gonna take you, like, 20 years to crap those out.
哇塞 高顶帽耶
My God, a top hat!
自从看了"果酱女郎"的MV 我就一直想演滑稽剧
I've always wanted to do burlesque, ever since I saw the "Lady Marmalade" music video.
作为朋友 我得告诉你
As a friend, I'm letting you know
滑稽喜剧是最低端的艺术表演
that burlesque is the lowest form of art possible.
真的 滑稽喜剧是女人最大的失败
Literally, it's the last failure a woman can have
甚至排在演戏 瑜伽之后 就是滑稽喜剧 真的是这样
is burlesque, after acting, then yoga, then burlesque. That's it.
为什么大家都告诉我什么事情我不可以做
Why does everyone keep telling me the things I can't do?
我不如直接当成艾瑟尔 一辈子住在这儿算了
I might as well just stay here and live like I'm Ethel for the rest of my days.
我快过敏死了
Dude, my allergies are killing me.
都是因为小黄油宝贝猫
It's from that Baby Butterz cat.
感觉像有朵巨大的花 我都喘不上气了
I feel like I'm being suffocated by a super bloom right now.
跟纯种约克夏犬似的流着泪
I'm just like a purebred Yorkie with my runny eyes.
特难受
It's just terrible.
你听着的确像内心在溺水
You do sound like you're drowning from the inside.
我要坐下来 感觉现在快死了
I'm gonna go sit down. I'm, like, dying right now.
据我了解 老年人应该在家里每个角落都有药
Okay, well, if I know old people, they've got notions and potions everywhere you look.
找到了
There we go.
听到吱吱响了吗
You hear that squeaking?
等你老了会经常听到这个声音
You're gonna hear that a lot when you're older,
因为你把自己的身体当星巴克的厕所 一点也不爱惜
because you treat your body like it's a Starbucks bathroom.
我好有安全感 太棒了
I feel so nestled. This is great.
感觉像在处♥女♥白鲸产道里的小宝宝一样
It's like I'm in a virgin beluga's birth canal.
等有天你孩子生病的时候 因为你的基因
One day, your kids will be sick, 'cause of your genetic make-up.
你肯定会把他们照顾得很好
You're gonna do a great job taking care of them.
要不你给国际亲善打个电♥话♥推迟取货时间吧
You know, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if you called to postpone the Goodwill pick-up.
里面还有个大衣柜
There's an armoire back there.
我还没翻过呢
I haven't peeked behind it yet,
但我相信里面肯定是个奇妙世界
but my fingers are crossed for a Narnia situation.
好 那我就说我弄错了
Yeah, I'll just say I made a mistake.
大家都觉得我是个傻子
Everyone thinks I'm stupid.
说什么都能蒙混过关 可棒了
I can get away with anything. It's awesome.
太好了
Yay! Okay.
"照片发了吗" 发了
"Did you email the photos?" Yes.
"微波炉修了吗" 修了
"Did you fix the microwave?" Yes.
从现在开始 我决定只用座机
I'm only using landlines from now on.
我找到了铅基化妆品
I found lead-based makeup.
现在已经不做这种化妆品了
They do not make it like this anymore.
太棒了
It's so amazing.
我跟你讲 班吉
I'm telling you, Benji,
我来到这里肯定是冥冥之中自有天意
the universe brought me here for a reason.
我也觉得 能离开迪恩一会儿真是太爽了
Tell me about it, man. It's so nice to get away from Dean for a little bit.
-现在太棒了 -我喜欢这里
- This is great. - I love it here.
天哪
My God.
这双鞋真是低调又奢华
These shoes are so normcore.
真舒服
These are great.
有足底支撑
This is support.
不会紧绷绷的了
Tight hammies no more.
艾瑟尔囤了好多这条街上那家餐厅的买♥♥二赠一券
Ethel hoarded two-for-one coupons to the diner down the street.
我们连爱好都一样
We even have the same hobbies.
提前吃晚餐太好了
Eating dinner early is the best.
特别是我如果晚餐吃太晚
Especially 'cause when I eat too late at night,
就会因为吃肉留很多汗 只能睡在浴巾上
I get meat sweats and gotta sleep on a beach towel.
我知道 我也喜欢这种安排
I know. I love this schedule,
如果坚持这样 今天晚上12点 我就能吃明天的早餐了
and if I stick to it, I could be eating tomorrow's breakfast by midnight tonight.
为什么这个社会一定要让你等很久 才能变成幸福的老年人呢
Why does society insist on making you wait so long to become an old person?
就是啊 我感觉自己一直都像个老年人
I know. I feel like I've always been an old person.
初中班上我也是第一个开始长耳毛的
You know, like in junior high, I was the first one to get ear hair.
天哪 你真幸运
My God, you're so lucky.
波利说得对
Pauly was right.
我们得开始考虑提前退休
We gotta start thinking about early retirement.
没错
Absolutely.
艾瑟尔全都想好了
I mean, Ethel had it figured out.
她就整天坐在这里收集炫酷的东西
She just sat around all day collecting cool junk.
看看这些旅游装洗漱用品
Look at these travel-size toiletries.
这个小瓶洗发水可以给人用也可以给玩偶用