一起单身（2018）

我好激动 今天可能是我人生最棒的一天
I'm so excited. This is like... it could be the best day of my life.
露娜坚果棒怎么吃
Okay, how do you want your Luna bar?
两面煎 三成熟可以吗
Over easy, medium rare?
全听大厨的
Chef's discretion's fine.
好吧 还要再等几分钟
Okay, it actually needs a few more minutes.
天哪 我在玩虚拟水族馆锦标赛 马上就要打败这些废物了
My God, I'm about to beat these losers in a virtual fish tank tournament.
解锁灰鲭鲨
I just unlocked a mako shark.
不是吧 你又开始玩养鱼游戏了吗
No, you're playing fish games again?
是谁害了你
Who did this to you?
其实我玩得还挺好
I'm actually getting really good at it.
如果大堡礁[澳大利亚]能让我负责管理
Like, if someone put me in charge of the Great Barrier Reef,
就会是完全不同的情况
it would be a whole different situation over there.
作为你的朋友 而且有时候还需要你的经济支持 我得告诉你
Okay, look, as your friend, and someone who sometimes relies on you financially, I need you to know
养鱼游戏既不炫酷也不可爱
that fish games are not cool or cute,
这种游戏玩得好 一点用没有
and it's not good to be good at them.
有用啊 你想像一下
It is good. Think about it.
如果有女生喜欢我喜欢鱼这一点
If a girl likes that I like fish,
说明她真的喜欢我这个人
then she likes me for who I really am.
喜欢一个你这样看起来又像恋童癖又像小孩的人吗
A guy who somehow looks like both a pedophile and a small child?
对呀 我很多变
Yeah. Yeah, I'm dynamic.
你能不能... 就今天
Okay, look, can you just... just for today,
把手♥机♥放下 当个理智的成年人
let's put down your screen and act like a grown-up.
在鼻子上抹点防晒霜
Also, put sunscreen on your nose.
-我不抹防晒霜 -一定要抹
- I don't want sunscreen. - Well, you need it.
-别闹了 -好吧
- Come on! Hey! - Okay.
天哪 时间到了
My God, it's time to go.
少女的气味
The smell of teenage girls.
什么样的家长会让自己的女儿 为了买♥♥口红在韩国城过夜
What kind of parents let their daughters sleep in Korea town overnight for lipstick?
最棒的家长
Um, amazing parents.
好了 这次开卖♥♥会肯定会特别疯狂
Okay, so this pop-up, things could get crazy.
年轻女孩觉得自己会长生不老
Teenage girls think they're gonna live forever,
要是被惹急了 她们会摧残你的
and they will trample if provoked.
班吉 听到了吗 她们会把你踩碎
Benji, do you hear me? They will trample.
我是不是该穿抗压短裤
Maybe I should've worn my compression shorts.
你确定不要尿不湿吗
Are you sure you don't want a diaper?
比我想象的更透气哦
They're actually a lot more breathable than I thought.
我要不要穿尿不湿
Do I wanna wear a diaper?
不是... 我知道听着怪怪的
It's not... I know it seems bad, I get that,
不过真的很好用
But it's really good.
你用的是成人尿不湿 还是肥胖小孩用的那种
Are they adult diapers or are they just for fat toddlers?
是中等大小儿童的尺寸
They're for medium-sized children, okay?
你给我做露娜坚果棒的时候 裤子里还兜着尿呢
So you were cooking me Luna bars with piss in your pants?
你知不知道这样违反了卫生条例
You realize that's a health code violation?
是尿不湿... 尿不湿里兜着尿
In my diaper... piss in my diapy.
这么说我才想起来 能帮我擦屁♥股♥吗
Now that I think about it, can you wipe me?
-我不要给你擦屁♥股♥ -我要换尿布
- I'm not wiping you. - I need to be changed.
-我有个疯狂的想法 -什么
- I've got a crazy idea. - What?
要不我们像个成年人一样去商场买♥♥化妆品吧
What if you got makeup at a department store like an adult?
我来是为了支持凯莉[卡戴珊家族小女儿 自创化妆品品牌]
I am here to support Kylie.
她是一位年轻漂亮的女性企业家
She's a young, beautiful, female entrepreneur.
未来是女性的 凯莉是位女性 化妆品也是女性的
The future is female, Kylie is female, makeup is female.
这是一次全面的 有益身心 支持女性的体验
This is a holistic, body-positive, female-positive experience.
你知不知道后面的女生都想抹了你脖子
You realize every girl behind you in line wants to slit your throat
因为你排在前面
'cause you're in front of them?
-不可能 -她们可是娃娃兵
- That's crazy. - They're child soldiers.
-老天爷 我太喜欢你的遮阳帽了 -谢谢你
- OMG, I'm totally obsessed with your sun hat.- Thank you.
你的皮肤简直好得不真实
Your skin is unreal.
你用什么防晒霜
What kind of sunscreen do you use?
很高兴你来问我
I'm so glad you asked.
女孩子就该像你一样 早早地开始关注这些事
It's very smart for a woman of your age to start these things early.
养生就要趁年轻
You have to start your regimen young.
我用柯克兰经典 你想试的话 我帐篷里有
I use Kirkland Signature. I have the tub in my tent if you wanted to try some.
听我说 那个女孩绝对不可能
Just listen to me a sec, okay? There's no way that girl
真心觉得你在汉堡店垃圾桶里找到的帽子好看
really thinks the hat you found in an In-N-Out dumpster is cute.
它是在垃圾桶旁边
It was beside the dumpster.
不 不对 就是在垃圾桶里
No, wait, you're right, it was in the dumpster.
我还跳进去了 是在垃圾桶里
I jumped in. It was in the dumpster.
笨蛋 她是想插♥你♥的队
Dumb-dumb, she's trying to cut you in line.
-还在拍你的鞋要嘲笑你呢 -什么
- And taking joke photos of your shoes right now. - What?
你叫什么
What is your name?
快滚 赶紧麻溜地滚 不然我给你们校长打电♥话♥了
Get outta here. Get out before I call your principal.
我倒想看看 等你20多岁的时候背能有多硬
I'd like to see how your arches hold up when you're in your 20s.
-还好你在这儿 -还好你把帽子摘掉了
- I'm glad you're here. - I'm glad you took that hat off.
你刚才像"绽放"[美国90年代情景喜剧]女主角一样
It was like a sad Blossom situation.
你说得对 所以我需要你陪着我
You're right. Look, this is why l need you here.
化妆品已经把我累死了
I'm so frazzled by the makeup,
我看不出这些年轻人谁好谁坏
I can't tell which teenagers are good and which teenagers are bad.
你可得振作起来 她们都是母老虎
You gotta be tough. They're all tigers out there.
就是这样 你读的公立学校对吧
Yeah. You went to public school, right?
-对 -知道要怎么振作吧
- Duh. - So you know how to be tough.
知道
Yeah.
午餐时 有没有和哥特派小孩坐过一桌
You ever sit with the goth kids at lunch?
-有 -你是怎么表现的
- Yeah. - And how'd you behave?
就是这样
There you go.
姑娘们早上好
Morning, ladies.
我来给大家发手环
I am coming around with wristbands.
手环上的数字就是你排队的号♥码
The number determines your place in line.
等等 戴维在哪
Wait, where's David?
要发手环了 他还没来
They're about to hand out the wristbands and he's not here yet.
你叫了其他人来
You called another guy here?
我没跟你说过戴维吗
I haven't told you about David?
戴维是那个给你做便宜卷饼的墨西哥卷饼艺术家吗
Is David the burrito artist who makes you the Quesaritos real cheap?
不是 戴维是当时我打了911后 来给我的烟雾报♥警♥器换电池的救护技术员
No, David is the EMT that 911 sent over to change the batteries in my smoke alarm.
他救了我
He saved my life.
他给你带了对甲电池组 就救你命了
He brought you double-A batteries and that saved your life?
他肯定是个英雄
I'm pretty sure he's a hero.
我不知道他是不是英雄
I don't know if that's a hero.
哈德逊河迫降事件: 2009年1月15日 全美航♥空♥公♥司♥1549号♥航♥班♥由于飞鸟袭击 引擎失去控制 机长沙林博格机智操控 紧急迫降于哈德逊河上 避免了人员伤亡
英雄会把飞机停在哈德逊河
Heroes, like, land planes in the Hudson.
-嗨 -戴维
- Hey. - David.
谢天谢地 你来了
Thank God you're here.
我怕你领不到手环
I was so worried you were gonna miss the wristbands,
你来得正好
but you made it just in time.
我把救护车停在禁区了
I parked the ambulance in a red zone.
工作特权之一
Just one of the perks of the job.
好厉害
So cool.
不准插队
Hey! No cutting!
你父母离婚 因为他们一直吵架
Your parents got divorced 'cause they couldn't stop fighting
不知道怎么解决你的学习障碍
about how to deal with your learning disability.
你嘴皮子挺溜
Your line game is strong.
我知道洛杉矶的恶毒式教育 这个我懂
Yeah, I got an eye for toxic L.A. parenting; that's my thing.
-棒 我是戴维 -戴维 你好 我是班吉
- Cool. I'm David. - Hey, David, what's up? Benji.
我们只是朋友 没滚过床单
We're just friends, we've never had sexor anything.
不错 我们也没有
Cool. Neither have we.
各位 听好
Okay, team, listen up.
每人限购五件
There's a five-product limit per person.
希望大家能带至少20支唇釉出来
I want us walking out of there with no less than 20 lip kits.
我们三个人 三五十五
We're three people, and three times five is 15.
5 5 10 我想办法拿10个
Five, five, ten. I'm gonna figure out how to get ten.
可你只有一个人
You're one person, though.
我... 我会找人掩饰 或者... 我会想办法
Yeah, I'll... I'll flash somebody or I'll... I'll figure it out.
你简直是唇彩届的苏治·奈特[黑人帮派分子]
Nice. You're the Suge Knight of the lip gloss game.
班吉 唇彩 我多大了 12岁吗
Benji, lip gloss. What am I, 12?
唇釉 班吉 是唇釉
Lip kits, Benji, lip kits.
唇彩是给小孩的
Lip gloss is for babies, okay?
唇釉是哑光液体
Lip kits are matte liquid.
还有搭配的眼线笔
And they have matching pencil liners.
有人看了我的凯莉功课哦
Someone read my Kylie dossier.
-谢谢 戴维 -对
- Thank you, David. - Yeah.
来看看 我从单位带了个心脏复苏人型
Hey, check it out. I brought this CPR dummy from work.