一起单身（2018）

对啊 要是有个女人爱上我
Right, like if a woman fell in love with me,
结了婚 孩子却一直怀不上
and then we were married and struggling to have kids,
我就说 "你早知道"
I could be, like, "You knew my sperm was bad"
-"我蝌蚪不行的" -可以
- "when you did this." - Yeah.
-"我的嗓音和个性 哪一点让你觉得我可以了" -没错
- "What about my voice and personality makes you think that I'm really potent?" - Yeah.
我可能终究当不了好爸爸
I guess I'd probably be a bad dad anyways.
-对啊 -我两岁前都是斗鸡眼
- Yeah. - I was cross-eyed till I was two.
不会看脸色 又没同理心
I couldn't see faces. Now I don't have empathy.
我觉得你没同理心
I thought you don't have empathy
是因为你妈没抱过你
because your mom didn't hold you.
不 那是接触剥夺 所以我不喜欢拥抱
No, that's touch deprivation. It's why I don't like hugs.
对 我也是 看吧 我就是担心这个
Right, I have that, too. Okay, this is what worries me, though.
要是我的卵子捐给你♥爸♥妈那样的人
What if my eggs end up in the hands of someone like your parents,
或者更惨 我爸妈那样的怎么办
or worse, my parents?
你♥爸♥妈在脸书上看起来很正常啊
Your parents seem so normal on Facebook.
你认真的吗
Are you kidding me?
我妈就没给我买♥♥过一个和我等身的芭比娃娃 可惨了
My mom never got me a My Size Barbie. How messed up is that?
所以我不能和其他孩子一样练习做♥爱♥体♥位♥
I had no way of practicing sex positions like the other kids,
到现在都很没自信
and I'm still insecure about that.
就那么两个重要体♥位♥ 也还好吧
There's, like, two important sex positions. It's fine.
你不懂
You don't get it, okay?
养个小艾丝特很难的
It's hard to raise a little Esther,
我可不想这家人像我爸妈一样 被孩子搞得晕头转向
and I don't want this random family to be in over their head like my parents were.
你看 这是你人生第一次
Look, this is the first time in your life ever
有一样别人真正想要的东西
that you have something that someone actually wants.
你是说我很牛吗
Are you saying I'm powerful?
不是
No.
哥们儿 跟我一起去嘛
Dude, just come with me, okay?
拜托 那...
Come on, like...
万一... 万一他们杀鸡取卵呢
what if... what if they're murderer egg harvesters?
面对强势 我不堪一击又容易动摇
And I'm delicate and easily swayed by a strong opinion.
你是知道的
You know that.
艾丝特 就我这小身板
Esther, I'm a J. Crew extra small.
不可能保护你
I'm not defending you from anybody.
我不是要你帮我
I don't need you to help me, okay?
只是如果我要被杀
I just need you there in case I get murdered.
我想有个朋友陪我一起死
I want a friend to get murdered with me, too.
好吧 我跟你去 但如果他们要取走卵子
Fine, I'll go with you, but if they cut eggs out of your body
再把你丢进装满冰的浴缸里 我可不拦着
and put you in a bathtub full of ice, I'm not stopping them.
不拦着 也别跟人讲我的故事
Don't stop them, and don't tell my story.
让专业电影制片人把它拍成电影
Leave it to a professional movie producer.
但别让安妮·海瑟薇演我 她太老了
And don't let Anne Hathaway play me. She's too old.
安妮·海瑟薇多好啊
Anne Hathaway is great.
怎么大家都黑她
Why is everyone so anti-Anne Hathaway?
她到底做错了什么
What did Anne Hathaway do?
这附近都怪怪的
This neighborhood's so goy-ish.
别担心 我们就进去
Don't worry about it. We'll just get in,
看看是什么疯子想要我的卵子
we'll realize that only a crazy person would want my eggs,
然后就去刚才路过的那家潘娜拉[美国面包连锁品牌]
we'll get out, we'll go to that Panera we passed on the way here.
或者汉堡摊 你决定 我倒是想去汉堡摊
Or the burger stand, your call, but I want the burger stand.
是栋豪♥宅♥
This place is a mansion.
两栋豪♥宅♥可不这么肩并肩 还长一样
No mansion has a mansion next door that looks exactly like it.
你怎么知道
What do you know?
这里都不是个好学区
This isn't even a good school district.
我喜欢门口的地垫
I love doormats.
"底裤不错哟"
"Nice underpants."
它怎么知道
How does it know?
-你怎么回事 -我哪知道
- What's happening to you? - I don't know.
艾丝特
Esther.
我是杰姬
I'm Jackie.
真是老天有眼
You are the answer to my prayers.
不好意思 有唇印吗
I'm sorry. Did I leave a mark on you?
有就有吧
I hope so.
我的宝贝 快进来吧
That's my girl. Come on in.
她好美
She's so pretty.
-你好 -你好
- Hey. - Hey.
你在表格里说了好多次肉桂卷
You talked so much about cinnamon rolls on your form.
这是我自己做的
I made 'em from scratch.
天呐 说实话如果我现在一个人
My God. Honestly, if I were alone right now,
我会把自己锁在厕所
I'd lock myself in the bathroom
在30秒内吃掉六个肉桂卷
and eat six of these in 30 seconds.
进来吧
Well, come in.
这里看起来精心装饰过
This place looks like someone decorated it.
天呐 杰姬 你是选美冠军吗
My God, Jackie, are you a beauty queen?
你正看着圣塔克拉利塔谷小姐
You're looking at Miss Santa Clarita Valley
-1995年国际选美冠军 -我的天
- International World Princess, 1995. - My God.
我都不知道圣塔克拉利塔是君主制
I didn't know Santa Clarita was a monarchy.
我一直梦想着有个女儿
I always dreamed I would have a daughter one day
能够追随我选美的道路
that would follow my pageant footsteps.
或者当个科学家
Or become a scientist you know.
-她想做什么都行 -当然
- Whatever she wanted would be good. - Of course.
所以我一直努力生孩子 结果有了五个儿子
So I kept trying, and that's how I ended up with five boys,
当然了我很爱他们
who I love, you know.
我本来想再试一次的
I was gonna give it one more try,
可是 我的卵巢已经枯萎了
but then, you know, my ovaries have shriveled up and died.
不是所有人都有完美的囊状卵泡
Well, we can't all have great antral follicles.
这刚好是我最大的优点
That's actually my best feature.
亲爱的 你最大的优点是这身适合选美的骨架
Sweetheart, your best feature is your pageant-ready bone structure.
我脸上的骨架吗
Bone structure on my face?
-当然了 - ... 天哪
- Yeah. - ...my God.
我觉得自己太合适了
I feel really qualified for this.
我一直渴望着家里能有些女性能量
I have been dying for some feminine energy in this house.
你想看看我的奖杯室吗
Do you wanna see my trophy room?
好啊
Okay.
我能戴一下你的饰带吗
Can I try on your sash?
饰带 亲爱的 你还可以戴我的王冠
Sash? Honey, you can try on my crown.
想来点沙拉吗
Want some salad?
不要 你在用手抓
No. You're tossing it with your hands.
你以为餐厅不用手吗
You think restaurants don't hand toss?
他们也是手抓
They hand toss.
吃点好吃的东西吧 你妈做了肉桂卷
Get at that fun food, man. Your mom made cinnamon rolls.
我不吃麸质食物 吃小麦我会心情沉重
I'm gluten-free. Wheat weighs me down.
好吧 我也这样
Right. That happens to me, too.
下次你妈再烤东西的时候
Maybe next time your mom bakes,
她可以做些无麸质的点心
she can make you some gluten-free snacks.
我的哥哥们喜欢正常的点心
My brothers prefer regular dessert,
反正我也不喜欢吃糖 所以我基本都吃沙拉
and I don't need the sugar anyways, so I eat salad mostly.
你袜子好丑
Your socks suck.
看脚踝那里都堆起来了
See how that ankle's sticking out?
是因为它是比你个头大的人穿过的
That's 'cause it used to belong to someone bigger than you,
你只能捡别人穿过的衣服
and you just ended up with hand-me-downs.
你怎么这么了解我的袜子
Why do you know so much about my socks?
因为很明显你是那个被忽略的小孩
Because it's really obvious that you're the neglected baby,
我以前也是
and I was, too.
我敢打赌你的内♥裤♥也很烂
Like, I bet your underwear is probably terrible also, right?
想看我的内♥裤♥吗
Wanna see my underwear?
不想 不要问别人这个问题
No. Don't ask people that.
杰姬和我要出去做美甲
Hey, Jackie and I are gonna run out and do a nail thing
好好了解一下对方
just to get to know each other better.
好 还能拿一些免费的东西
Nice. You're just gonna skim some free stuff off the top.
-好主意 -是的
- That's a good idea. - Yeah.
等等
Wait, wait, wait.
美甲是不是要差不多40分钟
Doesn't a nail thing take 40 minutes or something?
不 我们要去个高档的地方
No, we're going to a real place,
要花两三个小时吧
so it takes, like, two to three hours.
路上可能再买♥♥点吃的
We might grab a snack.
-我回来跟你说 -为什么...
- I'll talk to you. - Why is it...
我靠
Damn it.
他们最后像连体婴儿那样上台了
They had to go out on stage like conjoined twins.
谁能想到呢
Who would've thought?