一起单身（2018）

He's like, "I got it!"
说不好 但是你笑成这样
I don't know, but when you smile like that,
脸都成两个胖子的肥肚腩了
your cheeks look like two fat guys' stomachs!
茄子
Cheese!
好奇问一句 你需要T恤或者手提包吗
Just out of curiosity, do you feel like you have any need for, like, a T-shirt or a tote bag
印着我和迪恩照片的那种
that has the picture of me and Dean on it?
因为我正在买♥♥东西
Just 'cause I was gonna order a couple of things,
可以凑单满50包邮
and it's free shipping when you spend over $50.
机不可失 时不再来哦
And honestly, that's just, like, a deal you don't pass up every day.
-艾丝特... -什么
- Esther... - What?
你知道这是为了假装恋情拍的照片吧
You realize that that was a fake picture for a fake relationship.
班杰明 在某种程度上 我当然理解
Benjamin, of course, on some level I do understand that.
不过... 世事难料啊
However... you never know, okay?
你知道我和迪恩都不洗衣服吗
Did you know that neither Dean nor I do laundry?
这就说明我们有共同点
Like, that means we're both on the same page.
艾丝特 他是付钱让别人洗衣服
Esther, that's 'cause he pays someone to do his laundry for him,
你只是把内衣反过来穿
and you turn your underwear inside out
穿到它硬得像树皮
until it turns into underwear bark.
是哦
Yeah.
给你看个东西
Can I show you something?
我已经翻到阿曼达37周前发的Ins
I'm 37 weeks back on Amanda's Instagram.
她是个超级厉害的雕塑家
She's such an amazing sculptress.
我超想和美术老师约会
I wanna date an art teacher so bad.
我想成为别人艺术创作的焦点
I wanna be the focal point of someone's artwork.
-说得很对 -我可以成为像莎朗·斯通[美国演员]那样的缪斯男神
- That's a good point. - I could be a muse,like Sharon Stone. But a guy.
天哪 太烦了
Man, this sucks!
不是阿曼达又来找你麻烦了吧
What, Amanda didn't reach out to you again, did she?
-都好吗 -不好 我在犹他爵士队[美国职业篮球队]上输了四千块
- Everything cool? - No, I lost four grand on the Utah Jazz.
对了还有阿曼达 她已经一整天没烦过我了
Oh, Amanda, yeah, no, I haven't heard from her in, like, 24 hours.
你愚蠢的计划居然成功了
Your stupid plan actually worked.
当然了 还有谁比我更了解孤独和绝望的感觉呢
Yeah, who knows more about being lonely and desperate than me?
随便你怎么说
Hey, whatever works, man.
我不敢相信艾丝特
I just can't believe little Esther
居然能挺过来... 简直完美
pulled through... it's amazing, man.
她在照片里看起来很恶心
I mean, she looks so gross in those photos.
太搞笑了
It was so funny.
对 那就是我
Yeah, no, that's me.
恶心 搞笑 聪明 炫酷
Gross, funny, smart, cool.
说的就是我
I'm your guy.
随便吧 我要你们全天都在家待着
Anyway, I need you to stay in the house all day
不要出去 因为我的西装今天会送过来
and not go anywhere because I'm waiting for a suit to be delivered.
你得帮我签收 如果他们把西装留在门口
I need you to sign for it. If they leave it out front,
那绝对不行 知道吗 外面有那么多植物
that's a no-no, okay? I got all sorts of plants out there.
我不想让西装上粘上什么裸子植物的花粉
I don't need stigma and, like, gymnosperms
你懂我意思吧
on my suit, you understand what I'm saying?
等一下 就说一句
Wait, wait. Really quick.
不要跟我顶嘴
No, don't backtalk.
我一会儿有个高温瑜伽课
Look, look, I have a hot yoga class later.
你在说悄悄话吗 你们说话也太小声了 搞什么鬼
Why are you whispering? You guys don't talk loud enough. What's the deal
-对不起 -不好开口
- Sorry. - It's embarrassing.
我今天有一节高温瑜伽课 我不能...
I have a hot yoga class today. I can't...
那就换节晚点的课啊
Take a later class. Obviously.
不行 就这个教练才了解我的身体
I can't, this instructor just gets my body type.
你不能因为你有适合生孩子的大屁♥股♥ 就打乱我的行程
Dude, you're not gonna be messing with my schedule, okay, just because you have child-bearing hips.
我是遗传了妈的屁♥股♥ 但你也不能这么羞辱我
What, are you body-shaming me 'cause I've got Mom's hips?
我一定要去上课
This is what I gotta do.
我刚还帮了你个大忙
I just did something nice for you!
你不能也帮一下我吗
Can't you just do something nice for me?
没错 你帮了我
Exactly, you did something nice for me,
我说了谢谢 所以你欠我一次
then I thanked you, so you owe me.
-我不欠你 我... -谢谢你 现在你又欠我一次
- I'm not. I just... - Thank you. Now you owe me again.
班吉你就答应吧 有什么问题 听你哥的话
Yeah, Benji, just do it. What's your problem? Do as your brother asks.
你好
Hey.
迪恩在家吗
Is Dean home?
不 他不在
No. No, he's not.
他去哪儿了
Where is he?
是不是和那个自信的披萨大厨在一起
Is he with that girl, the confident pizza chef?
我也不知道他在哪儿
Um, I don't really know where he is.
他可是迪恩 搞不好正在参加什么游艇拍卖♥♥会
He's Dean. He's probably at a yacht auction or something.
或者说游卖♥♥会 我刚编的词
A Yachtion. It's a word I just make up.
对了 我是阿曼达
I'm Amanda, by the way.
你是迪恩的管家吗
Are you Dean's housekeeper or something?
不是 我是他弟弟
No, I'm his brother.
你是迪恩的弟弟
You're Dean's brother?
对 我是他弟弟
Yes, I'm Dean's brother.
我妈做了选择性剖腹产 所以我早产了两周
My mom had an elective C-section, so I was born two weeks early.
我本来可以好好待满九个月
I could've used the whole nine months,
很明显上帝就是这么安排的
obviously, that's what God wants you to have,
但是她想早点回去上班 所以我就成这样了
but she wanted to get back to work, and now I'm this.
真是个小可怜
You poor thing!
要是我能多待个一周就好了
If I just got one more week, man, woot!
怎么着也得有一米七 经营套利基金基金
I'd be, like, 5'8", running a hedge fund,
走到哪里都是老大 往助理身上扔咖啡
just alpha-ing everybody around, throwing coffee at my assistant.
肯定会很棒
It'd be awesome.
你可真比迪恩幽默多了
You are so much funnier than Dean.
谢谢你 我的确是喜剧性格
Thanks, you know, I'm a comedic personality.
太好了
That's amazing!
我一直觉得喜剧演员特别勇敢
I always thought comedians were so brave.
必须的
Yeah, totally.
大家都觉得是海军陆战队 但其实是喜剧演员拯救了世界
Everyone's like Marines, but it's comedians.
手♥机♥给我 我给你留个号♥码...
Give me your phone. I'll give you my number...
也许你会用到
in case you ever need it.
-确定吗 -当然
- You sure? - Yeah.
手♥机♥上肯定到处都是护手霜和指甲油
There's probably moisturizer and nail polish all over that phone
都是女生们留手♥机♥号♥的时候留下的 没什么大不了的
from all the numbers girls are giving me. No big deal.
你只是又一个给我留手♥机♥号♥的女孩
You know, you're just another girl giving me her phone number.
晚安 亲爱的王子
Good night, sweet prince.
很遗憾我的外表和你不配
I'm sorry I wasn't right for you on the outside.
都结束了 班吉
It's over, Benji.
再没有新的点赞和评论了
The likes and comments have stopped rolling in.
艾丝特 迪恩真的不是你能搭上的
Esther, Dean is really, really out of your league.
他能约到马上要嫁给亚当·莱文[摇滚乐团Maroon5成员]的女孩
He dates girls right before they marry Adam Levine.
你意思是我可以嫁给亚当·莱文了吗
Are you saying I could marry Adam Levine now?
不 我的意思是我们这样的人要有自知之明
No, I'm saying people like you and me gotta know our place in the world.
不能想约谁就约谁
You can't just date anybody.
阿曼达之前来过还留给我手♥机♥号♥
Like, Amanda came by earlier and gave me her number.
这也不代表我就会打电♥话♥约她
That doesn't mean I'm gonna ask her out or anything.
什么 你有阿曼达的手♥机♥号♥
What? You have Amanda's number?!
你在逗我吗 我坐在这边无聊地刷新了好几个小时
Are you kidding me,I'm sitting here refreshing my ass off for hours,
你现在才告诉我
and you finally tell me that?
得了吧 谁会在乎呢
Come on, who cares?
她肯定在耍我呢
I mean, she's just messing with me.
我讲笑话她倒是笑了 但是很明显
She laughed at my jokes, but it's pretty obvious
她留给我手♥机♥号♥是想报复我哥
she just gave me her number to try to get back at my brother.
-你认真的吗 -什么
- Um, hello? - Hello.
所以呢
So what, okay?
你没看出来吗
Dude, don't you see?
阿曼达想要通过你来报复迪恩
Amanda wants to be with you to get to Dean.
迪恩想用我来甩掉阿曼达
Dean wants to be with me to get rid of Amanda.
这是个赢赢赢赢形势啊
It's a win-win-win-win situation.
四赢局面 对四个人都有利
Four wins. Four people can win.
好吧 你说得对 我要打给她
All right, I guess you're right. I'll call her.
自从看完"海洋奇缘" 我们想法还没这么统一过呢
Yay! My God, we haven't agreed this much since we saw Moana.
"海洋奇缘"好棒 道恩·强森[演员]就这回配音配得最好了
Moana was so good. It's, like, the only time The Rock has ever been believable.
可不是嘛 超棒 我们这代人的好伙伴
I know, it was amazing. It's the Good fellas for our generation.
我们一定要机智地计划好
Okay, so we gotta play this real smart.
得先排练 你对阿曼达说的每个字
Like, we wanna rehearse. We wanna know exactly
我都要知道 一字一字
what you're gonna say to Amanda, word for word,
都要算好 计划好
calculated, planned out.
-我已经拨号♥了 -不要
- I already dialed. - No, stop!
-通了 -挂掉 还没准备好呢