我爱上的人是奇葩（2014）

Stop it!
别说了
I'm not having a baby with you. Paul.
我不会跟你一起生孩子的 保罗
Because I'm having a baby with someone else.
因为我要跟别人一起生孩子
At some point. In the future.
是未来的某个时候
Because I'm involved with someone else.
因为我已经跟别人产生了感情
Though, to be fair, it's purely emotional at this point.
不过 目前还只是纯洁的精神上的
I'm having an emotional affair.
我精神出轨了
What are you talking about, Paul?
你在胡说些什么呢 保罗
Her name is Amy. We met on a homebrew chat room.
她叫艾米 我们是在网络聊天室认识的
What a loser.
真是个窝囊废
Amy... She's excited about me.
艾米 她真的会为我心动
She's... nice to me. Bear.
她 对我很好 宝贝
Lindsay, I want to begin the process of conscious uncoupling with you.
琳赛 我想跟你清醒地解除婚姻关系
No. Yes, Lindsay. I want a divorce.
不要 必须要 琳赛 我要跟你离婚
Mom is gonna be so disappointed.
妈一定会很失望的
Guess you better give us the good china.
你最好把那套上等瓷器送给我们吧
Like your marriage is so perfect.
就好像你的婚姻很完美似的
You nearly banged Jimmy last week.
你上周还想跟吉米上♥床♥呢
What?!
什么
Okay, just to clarify, she tried to bang me.
好吧 我澄清一下 是她想上我
I turned her down. Marvelously satisfying, really.
我拒绝了她 感觉真的很爽
You tried to sleep with him?
你试图勾搭他上♥床♥
I thought he tried to kiss you at your house.
不是说他跑到你家来试图吻你吗
Okay, that happened also.
好吧 那事也属实
But it was... it was part of this thing
但那是因为当时
where we were competing to bang our exes.
我们都在比赛跟前任打炮
What is wrong with you two?
你们两个是有什么毛病啊
You tried to bang my wife?
你竟然试图上我老婆
She tried to sleep with me.
是她想勾引我上♥床♥
I let you be my forever-friend.
我让你成为我永远的朋友
I was gonna invite you into the man cave.
我原本都打算邀请你进入我的男人窝了
I barely even know you.
我都不怎么认识你
Well, now you're gonna know... my fists and feet and stuff!
现在你要好好认识一下我的 拳脚了
Oh, shit.
糟糕
You British prick!
你个英国大混♥蛋♥
Vernon, get him!
弗南 打死他
Go to sleep, Vernon.
安睡吧 弗南
Edgar, stop it!
埃德加 住手
Go to sleep.
安睡吧
But I'm not sleepy.
但我不困啊
Oh, God. Get away from him.
天啊 快离他远点
Vernon, Vernon.
弗南 弗南
Okay, bye, Becca.
再见了 贝卡
Congratulations.
恭喜了
Wouldn't it...
难道...
No, no, no. No, you c... you can't go.
不不不 你不能走
Hey, no, no. Where are you going?
嘿 别啊 你们要去哪儿
Hey, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, no.
别别别 不要啊 别走啊
You... This is my night!
你们...今晚是属于我的夜晚
Has anyone seen Gretchen?
有谁见到格雷琴了吗
Oh, sorry, Jimmy, but I think she left.
不好意思 吉米 她好像已经走了
Hey, Jimmy. You want in on this?
嘿 吉米 你想一起来玩吗
Uh, no, but have fun.
不了 祝你们玩得爽
Listen.
听着
I will kill you if you tell him I said so,
如果你把我接下来的话告诉他 我就杀了你
but Edgar is one of the few genuinely decent people on this planet.
但埃德加是这个星球上为数不多的好人了
You're lucky to be his friend.
你能跟他做朋友算你走运
Oh, I'm not his friend. He cleans toilets at my gym.
我不是他朋友 他是在我去的健身房♥扫厕所的
Edgar got a job?
埃德加找了份工作吗
I felt really bad about lying to him when we first met,
我很内疚我们第一次见面时就骗了他
so I agreed to help him out today.
所以才打算今天帮他一回
Plus, I'm great at accent work.
并且 我很擅长模仿口音
Are you?
你确定吗
Anyway, like I could really be friends
话说回来 我怎么可能跟一个
with someone who lives in their car.
住在车里的人做朋友呢
Uh, so, uh, uh, h-how have you been?
你最近过得还好吗
Not well. I haven't been feeding myself properly.
不太好 我很久没好好吃过一顿饭了
I told you before I left,
我走之前跟你交代过了
the menus are in a blue binder in the bottom drawer.
食谱都放在底层抽屉的一个蓝色文件夹里了
Listen, maybe... Could you move back in?
听着 或许 你能再搬回来吗
I... You'd be doing me a favor.
我...那样就算你在帮我的大忙了
I have a job now, Jimmy.
我现在有工作了 吉米
I'm making great progress. I can't go backwards.
我取得了很好的进步 我不能倒♥退♥
If I move back in, I'm paying rent,
如果我要搬回去 那也得付房♥租
and I'm not cooking for you anymore.
而且我不会免费为你做饭了
Market value for your bedroom is $1,200 a month.
你的卧室在市场上的租金为每月1200美金
I will do some light housework.
我可以做一些轻松点的家务活
Thanks.
谢了
Hey, coming up.
要抛了 接住
Why can't you just let this be over?
你怎么就不能让这一切就此结束呢
Because I can't.
因为我做不到
Look, I don't know why I proposed to Becca.
听着 我也不知道我为什么会向贝卡求婚
It is a giant mystery,
那是个巨大的谜团
fueled mostly by my desire to make up for my wretched family
主要是因为我想弥补小时候不幸的家庭
and the fact that she gives spectacular blow jobs.
以及她的口♥交♥技术堪称世界一流
Really?
真的吗
Yeah, I do not know what's going on with that mouth.
是啊 我也不知道她那张嘴是有什么窍门
She's like a human Brookstone massage chair.
她就像是个人肉按♥摩♥椅
I am completely stunned by this information.
我被这条信息震惊了
Maybe the sour face creates extra suction.
或许苦瓜脸能够产生更强的吸力
Look, Becca was a choice.
听着 贝卡是我当时的一个选择
A dumb choice, but a choice.
虽是个愚蠢的选择 但也是个选择
You and I-- we're inevitable.
你和我 我们是天注定的
Words, man. You got a lot of pretty words,
真会用词 小哥 你就是甜言蜜语一堆
but that doesn't mean... Shut up.
但那并不意味着... 闭嘴
I'm not done. Let's be those pit bulls.
我还没说完呢 我们就像斗牛犬那样吧
I want to be your couch bud. Move in with me.
我想做你的贴心小伴侣 搬去跟我一起住吧
Sorry. Why'd you do that?
不好意思 你干嘛这样
I just humiliated myself by accepting your non-marriage proposal.
我之前误以为你是求婚而接受 已经丢尽了脸
I cannot now move in with you.
我现在没办法搬过去和你一起住
Yeah, but I'm... I'm actually asking you this time.
是没错 但这次我是真的在邀请你了啊
Bullshit. You're just doing this as a Hail mary
狗屁 你这只是孤注一掷挽救罢了
because you know you're about to lose me for good.
因为你知道你就要永远失去我了
No, no, no!
不 不是
I was... I was going to ask you at the party.
我 我原本打算昨天在派对上就跟你说的
I had the key made yesterday.
我昨天就把钥匙配好了
Look, my entire life, I've been obsessed
听着 我这一辈子都在执迷于
with trying to live the life of a writer,
过着作家的生活
just full of loneliness and suffering.
充满孤独和苦难
But over the last two weeks, what I have finally realized
但在过去的两周里 我终于明白
is that the worst possible draft of my life
我的人生最差劲的草稿
is the one without you in it.
就是缺少你存在的那一份
I hate it, Gretchen Cutler,
我讨厌那样 格雷琴·卡特勒
but you goddamn floor me.
但你真的彻底把我俘获了
No.
不行
Not yet.
现在还不行
Okay.
好吧
Okay.
好吧
Oh, shit. We're gonna do this.
该死 我们真要在一起了
Yeah. Shit.
是啊 我♥操♥
We're gonna do this,
我们竟然真要这么做了
even though we know there is only one way this ends.
尽管我们都清楚 这么做只有一种结局
Whether in a week or 20 years.
不管是一周后还是20年后
there is horrible sadness and pain coming,
肯定会出现巨大的悲伤和痛苦
and we're inviting it.
但我们现在却对之敞开怀抱
God, I love the way you think.
天啊 我真爱你的思考方式
We're gonna have a baby.
我们要生个孩子啦
Still got that key?
钥匙还在吗
Oh, my God. You are back.
天啊 你回来啦
Roomie. Roomie.
室友 室友