我爱上的人是奇葩（2014）

that he never connected with his father..."
就是他跟他自己的父亲间也从未有过感情纽带"
"Yo, Ron. So glad I have a big fan in the UK.
"谢了 罗 我很高兴我在英国还有个粉丝
Love, Sandra."
爱你的 桑德拉"
Thank you. I'm actually an author myself.
谢谢 其实我也是个作家
Congratulations, You're Dying. Perhaps you've heard of it?
《恭喜 你正在死去》 或许你听过这本书吧
They carry it here?
他们这儿有卖♥♥的吗
Bookstore manager?
书店经理呢
Sandra Bernhard here is interested in purchasing my book.
桑德拉·伯纳德有意买♥♥我的书
I'm sorry.
不好意思
As Jimmy knows, he's been remaindered.
吉米也知道 他的书被低价清空了
That's such a waste of money.
真是浪费钱啊
Thank you! It's a travesty.
谢你了 真是太滑稽了
You know what they should have done?
你知道他们应该怎么做吗
They should've taken all the books they printed
他们应该把已经刊印的你的所有书
and thrown them directly into a hobo trash can fire.
都直接扔进垃圾桶里烧掉
It would have saved a lot on shipping costs.
那可以省下好多运费啊
You're an asshole...
你真是个大混♥蛋♥
Man-dra Butt... Buttfart.
男德拉·屁♥股♥臭屁
Is that one of your previously written heckles,
那是你之前就准备好的黑话
or was that just off the cuff?
还是你灵机一闪想到的
Tooth gap! Some-something about your tooth
大牙缝 你的大牙缝绝逼是个槽点
Enough, Jimmy. Philippe!
够了 吉米 菲利普
What the...?!
搞毛啊
Don't you touch me, Philippe! I'm going.
别碰我 菲利普 我自己走
I am so sorry.
我真的很抱歉
Yeah, it's really pretty, huh?
是啊 真漂亮 对吧
I love that.
我好爱
Is that Nancy from Roseanne?
那是《罗珊妮》那部剧中的南茜吗
Don't want to talk about it.
我不想谈论这个
Jimmy, this is Dana from work.
吉米 这是我同事丹娜
I've heard... so much about you.
我听说了 好多关于你的事
You weren't lying.
你还真没撒谎
He is like a sexy Swedish vampire.
他确实很像是性感的瑞典吸血鬼
Sorry, ladies. I'm-I'm... I'm going to bed.
抱歉 女士们 我要上♥床♥去睡觉了
This sucks. I need to snap him out of it somehow.
真是太糟糕了 我得想办法让他摆脱这种状态
Just bang the shit out of him, dummy.
跟他疯狂地干一场就行了 傻姑娘
I tried!
我试过了啊
I'm sorry, Dana. This is not how you should be spending your night.
不好意思 丹娜 你的夜晚不该这么度过
You are way too fun and beautiful and spontaneous.
你很有趣 美丽 又随性疯狂
You should just go.
你还是先走吧
Do you want me to stay?
你想让我留下来吗
Well, maybe we could go down there and...
或许我们可以下去 然后...
Oh, my God, I just had the craziest idea.
天啊 我刚想到一个疯狂的主意
What? You can just ask me to have a threesome.
什么 你可以直接邀请我玩3P的
What?! What?
什么 神马
That is bananas. What are you even talking about?
那真是太疯狂了 你在胡说些什么啊
Can you imagine? Are you serious?
你能想象吗 你是说真的吗
Sure. Okay.
当然 好的
Okay! Ok
好吧 好吧
Oh, this is awesome.
真是太赞了
This is guaranteed to cheer him up.
这个一定会让他高兴起来的
He has never had a threesome before.
他以前从没玩过3P呢
Did he never go to middle school?
他难道没上过中学吗
Right?
就是啊
Jimmy. How you doing, buddy?
吉米 你还好吗 小哥
We just wanted to make sure that you are doing okay.
我们只是想确保你没事
I'm fine, yeah.
我挺好的
We just wanted to make sure that you were extra fine.
我们只是想确保你超级好
Is that... ?
那是...
You came already?!
你这就射了吗
I guess this show got a little bit too sexy for you.
我看这场戏对你来说香艳过头了吧
What?
什么
It's his first time. Maybe he got a little overexcited.
这是他第一次 或许他是兴奋过度了
No, I didn't.
不 我没有
In fact, the joke's on you.
实际上 闹笑话的人是你们
This is from a couple of minutes ago
这个是几分钟前射的
before you guys even came down.
当时你们都还没下来
Oh, my God.
天啊
Hold on.
等等
So, you masturbated to completion in the literally one minute
所以你在一分钟内就完成了打飞机的过程吗
from the time you left upstairs to this moment?
从你下楼梯那刻算起 直到此刻
I started at the top of the stairs.
我从楼梯上层就开始撸了
What? I couldn't help it.
怎么了啊 我欲望难抑啊
You're both so beautiful,
你们都这么漂亮
and I started thinking about
我开始想着
how you guys must have hugged earlier tonight,
你们今晚早些时候肯定拥抱过
and when you did, did your...
当你们拥抱的时候 你们的...
did your boobies get all, like, "squozen" together?
你们的大胸是不是 都挤到一起去了
And then you just laid there in it?
然后你就那么任精♥液♥横流吗
Shut up... Dana!
闭嘴 丹娜
I was enjoying the afterglow!
我是在享受高♥潮♥的余波
I didn't think you'd actually come down here,
我没想到你们两个会下来
you giant weirdo.
你们两个死变♥态♥
You masturbated while walking down the stairs
你抱着桑德拉·伯纳德的站立人像
carrying a giant Sandra Bernhard standee, and I'm the weirdo?!
一边下楼梯一边打飞机 还说我是死变♥态♥
Yeah, I got to go.
行了 我得走了
No. Wait!
不 等等
Well, now I get why you've never had a threesome.
现在我算知道你为什么从来没有过3P了
Dumb ass. Dana?
蠢货 丹娜
I'm sure they'll be here any minute.
我相信他们很快就会来的
What's the matter?
怎么了
I can't believe I finally made a new friend,
我真不敢相信我终于交到一个新朋友
and I tried to bang her the first time we hung out.
第一次约她出来玩 就想上她
I suck at girls, Jimmy.
我真不擅长交女性朋友 吉米
All the way back to the fourth grade
回忆四年级的时候
when everyone was mean to me
每个人都对我很刻薄
because I was the first person to grow boobs.
因为我是胸部第一个发育的人
Whatever, Jessica Olsen.
管他呢 杰西卡·奥尔森
You're still flat as shit.
你到现在还是个飞机场
I guess I'm still that sad little ten-year-old girl sometimes,
我觉得我有时依然是那个悲伤的10岁小女孩
wishing someone would sit next to me on the side...
希望某人能愿意坐在我身边
Oh, my God, will you stop?!
天啊 你能别叨逼了吗
What?
怎么了啊
No offense, but you're kind of making my skin crawl.
无意冒犯 但你简直让我起鸡皮疙瘩
Sorry.
抱歉
I'm not comfortable with... feelings.
我不太习惯 坦然面对心里的感情
I listened to you blathering on about
我之前一直在听你叨逼
"Ooh, me Da."
"俺爹什么的"
That's Irish, dumb-dumb.
那是爱尔兰语 蠢蛋
And you didn't listen. You played Photo Hunt.
你根本就没听啊 你当时在玩看图找错
And quite poorly, for the record.
并且 你玩得很烂
I don't know why I started unloading on you like that.
我也不知道我为什么就开始对你倾诉了
I don't do... feelings.
我向来都是 屏蔽心里感情的
What the hell is wrong with us?
我们到底是有什么毛病啊
Nothing.
没毛病
We should celebrate.
我们该庆祝一下
We found someone who is equally dead inside.
我们找到了一个内心同样已经死去的人
Let's make a pact
我们来立个契约吧
never to feel anything around each other ever again.
以后自动忽略对方的感情宣泄
Deal? Deal.
成交吗 成交
I can't believe you've been my boyfriend for, like, three days,
我真不敢相信你做我的男朋友才3天
and we already had to bring in a third party.
我们就得请外援了
What? You just said boyfriend?
怎么了 你刚说了男朋友
Oh, whatever. It's... it's economical, okay?
管他呢 那很顺口而已
Sure. God, you have issues.
是啊 天啊 你真是有毛病
You are the one who cried over a soccer jersey.
是你对着一件足球衫哭得惨兮兮的
Actually... that is kind of hot.
实际上 你穿着还挺性感的呢
You look like a soccer hooligan.
你看着就像是个足球小痞子
I always had a thing for jocks, you know?
我一直对运动男情有独钟呢
Hey, uh, we can pop inside and do it quick
我们可以先进去 打个快炮