市长先生（2021）

所以你就不能参加他的棕榈树会议了
so that you don't go to his palm tree meeting.
现在正在开
It's happening right now.
关系攻击
Relational aggression.
奥丽 多谢你挺我
Orly, thank you for having my back.
未来是女性
The future is female.
其实性别是一种社会建构概念
Actually, gender is a construct,
但我还是支持你的
but I'm still rooting for you.
棕榈叶不会致人死命
Look, palm fronds don't kill people.
重力会致人死命
Gravity kills people.
只有你纵容才会 人类
Only if you let it, human.
-放开你的眼界 -好了
- Free your mind. - Okay.
市长先生 要是没有棕榈树
Mr. Mayor, without the palm trees--
在疫情期间
In the pandemic--
我们偏题了
We're off track here.
好了 我需要你们做两件事
All right, I'm gonna need you all to do two types of ups:
闭嘴还有听我说
shut and listen.
阿比 拜托 冷静点
Arpi, please, please calm down.
太晚了 先生
Oh, it's too late for that, sir.
如果你想让阿比冷静
If you wanted calm Arpi,
你就应该邀请她参加会议
you should have invited her to the meeting.
现在你面前只有
Now you get fired-up,
火力全开 乱爆粗口的阿比 贱♥人♥们
ineptly swearing Arpi, you bitch craps.
-不好意... -好意思
- If I may-- - You mayn't.
你们对于棕榈树
This excessive concern
过度的在意是一种病态
with palm trees that you have is a sickness.
它们甚至都不是洛杉矶特有的
They are not even endemic to Los Angeles.
没有这种东西
Nothing is.
草地不是 水也不是
Not grass, not water,
别逼我开始说起人
and don't get me started on people.
你觉得人不该在这里吗
You think human beings shouldn't be here?
你知道当地部落都管这片区域叫什么吗
You know what the native tribes call this region?
什么都不叫 因为他们知道
Nothing! Because they knew better
这不是住人的地方
than to try to live here.
我提议我们将洛杉矶恢复成原始沙漠的状态
I say we return L.A. To its vacant desert state,
交还给那些迷你小狼
and give it back to the mini wolves.
支持我就跟我一起嚎叫
Howl if you're with me.
有宝宝了
我说了不欢迎你们
Hey, I said you're not invited, okay?
来一片蛋糕 打扮好一件连体衣
So have a slice of cake, decorate a onesie,
-抱抱我 然后滚 -没关系
- hug me, and then go. - It's okay.
我们只是来送新的文件
We're just here to drop off the new paperwork.
-这是从哪里来的 -在你进厕所的半小时里
- Where did you get that from? - We took it off your desk
我们从你的桌上拿的
during the half hour you were in the bathroom.
因为我排尿困难
Because I have problems urinating.
显示胎儿最多只有八周
It shows a fetal development of eight weeks, tops.
但是洛杉矶动漫大会是三个月前召开的
But L.A. Comic-Con was three months ago,
在这之前一个月
over a month before that was made.
但是这时间上来说不可能啊
But that's impossible because of time.
但是我在动漫大会时 在《回到未来》的
But when I was at Comic-Con, I got my picture taken
德罗林跑车里拍了照片
inside the "Back to the Future" DeLorean.
-所以也许 -我的天啊
- So maybe-- - Oh, my God!
算了吧
Just forget it.
父亲不是你 行了吧
You're not the father, okay?
什么 不
What? No!
不 我的提议无效了
No, my proposal is off the table.
无效了 不答应你了
It is off the table, and it is on the floor.
没有五秒法则 都给猫了
There's no five-second rule, the cat's got it!
真是多谢了
Thanks a lot.
现在我得去找真正的爸爸了
Now I have to track down the real dad,
他是扎克·埃夫隆的教练
Zac Efron's trainer.
-那家伙肯定很性感 -而且很出色
- That guy must be hot. - And outstanding at his job.
你为什么不一开始就去找他
Why wouldn't you just go to him in the first place?
因为杰登会真的对小孩很好
Because Jayden would actually be, like, nice to the kid,
教小孩东西 给小孩起的名字
teach it stuff, give it a better name,
绝对比我能想到的摇号♥
than whatever I'll come up with.
我想的是"维普" 加上一个美元符号♥
I'm thinking "Vape" Spelled with a dollar sign?
美元符号♥放在哪里
Where would it go?
放在末位的括号♥里
After, in parentheses.
理想情况下 圣安德烈亚斯会断裂
Ideally, the San Andreas Fault snaps
让霍利斯特南部全都
and just catapults everything south of Hollister
掉进海里 我们只能从头再来
into the ocean, and we start over.
听着 你们想走的话可以
Look, look, you can leave if you want to,
但我们依然要解决这个问题
but we still have to figure this out, hmm?
我明天要一对一聊
I want a one-on-one tomorrow.
好吧 我明天没有空
Oh, yeah, I'm not available tomorrow.
但我有空
But I'm free,
跟全美所有的囚犯一样有空
as free as every prisoner in America should be,
我还有处方含片 我能一直说下去
and I take prescription lozenges so I can just talk.
阿比 你的心愿实现了
Okay, Arpi, you got what you want.
交给你表演了
This show is yours.
凌晨4点对你们来说怎么样
How 4:00 A.M. for you folks tomorrow?
我觉得有人好像说过一半
I think someone mentioned half earlier?
要我们支付一半 这样可以吗
Us paying half. Could we just do that?
嗯 但你们拒绝了我的提议
Oh, yeah, but you had turned down my offer.
60% 我们付六成
60%, we'll pay 60.
只要我们别说这件事了 行吗
Let's just stop talking about it, okay?
很顺利 对吧
That worked out swell, didn't it?
我们刚刚给市政省下了三千万
We just saved the city $30 million.
公交车道 公交车来了
Bus lane. Here come the buses.
我真厉害
Oh, I'm good.
你利用了我
You used me.
你让我在不知情的情况下唱黑脸
You made me a non-consensual bad cop
让你实现了肮脏的协议
to get your filthy compromise.
我没有利用你 阿比 我永远不会...
I didn't use you, Arpi. I would never--
天...好吧
oh, for-- Okay, all right.
也许我是稍稍使用了你
Maybe I lightly utilized you.
这不是我计划好的
I didn't plan it,
但是他们不可能讲道理的
but they wouldn't come to their senses,
所以没错 我找人帮了点小忙
so yeah, yeah, I had a little helper,
骗我的白脸闯到了会议上
trick my bad cop into interrupting the meeting.
等等 什么
Wait, what?
你也在这里 我爱你
Right, you're here. I love you.
你想让她那么做的
You wanted her to.
你利用了我
You used me!
好吧 等等 等等 等等
Okay, okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait.
好吧
Okay.
原来你从来没有从我身上学到任何东西
So you didn't learn anything from me?
但我学到了
Oh, but I did.
还记得你的生日派对故事吗
Remember your birthday party story?
奥利维亚·P得到了她想要的
Olivia P. Got exactly what she wanted.
所有人都同意假装打保龄球
Everyone agreed to hunker down and bowl because
因为奥利维亚·S和疯子一样大叫
Olivia S. Was screaming like a lunatic.
阿比在这个比喻中就是打保龄球...
Arpi, in this metaphor, bowling--
-我们明白 -我们不是笨蛋 先生
- Yeah, we get it. - We are not idiots, sir.
我不喜欢你们俩统一战线的样子
Yeah, I don't like the two of you on the same side.
-抓住他 -不 别打脸
- Get him. - No, not my face.
我们能坐下吗
Hey, mind if we sit down?
我不知道 能吗
I don't know, can you?
听着 杰登
Listen, Jayden,
我们之前说的关于萨曼西的事
what we said before about Samanthee...
我们觉得她眼中的你
Yeah, we thought she looked at you and saw
会相信她和你说的任何话
someone who'd believe whatever she told him.
真的吗
Oh, really?
但我不相信她说
Well, but I didn't believe her when she said
我像乔什·加德
I look like Josh Gad.
我知道那只是床上的鬼话
I knew that was just pillow talk.
关键是 我们错了
The point is, we were wrong.
她选择你是因为她知道
She chose you because she knew that
所有可能是父亲的人选中
out of all the guys who could be the father,
你会是最好的父亲
she knew you'd be the best father.
你以后也会是的