市长先生（2021）

快点啊 我们得赶回家
Come on, we gotta get back home
看真人秀《房♥产兄弟》连播
for the "Property Brothers" marathon.
我等不及了
Oh, I can't wait;
终于要播出他们不小心亲嘴那集
they're finally airing the episode where they accidentally kiss.
-我做牛油果沙拉酱 -好好好
- I'll make guacamole. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
先生 怎么都没看见牛油果
Sir, where are all your avocados?
这个礼拜都没进到货
We haven't gotten any in all week.
这是最后两个了
Those are the last two.
什么意思 没进到货
What do you mean, you haven't gotten any?
牛油果明明是本地水果
Avocados are local.
给我
Give me those.
我家孩子们需要摄取健康脂肪
My children need their healthy fats.
不好意思 是我女儿先来的
Yeah, excuse me, but my daughter was here first,
-所以能不能... -说什么呢
- so can I-- - - Excuse me,
我大老远从圣塔莫尼卡
I drove in from Santa Monica
开车来的 就因为我的灵媒说这里有卖♥♥牛油果
because my psychic told me this place had avocados.
等一下
Wait a second.
整座城市都没有牛油果了吗
The whole city's out of avocados?
-什么 -不 我只是提问
- What? - No, I was asking.
好了 你们应该...
Okay, you should--
-你没事吧 -去墨西哥怎么走
- You all right? - Which way is Mexico?
保安请到第三走道
Security to aisle three.
保安请到第三走道
Security to aisle three.
爸 怎么回事
Dad, what's going on?
发生牛油果危机了吗
Is there an avocado crisis?
市长先生
第一季 第七集
农业专员说整个地区都出现了
The agricultural commissioner says the avocado shortage
牛油果短缺现象
is affecting the whole region.
超♥市♥上周末就卖♥♥光了
Supermarkets ran out over the weekend,
本地女童军的加油牛油妹素食曲奇
local Girl Scouts ran out of their vegan
也卖♥♥光了
Avoca-Go-Girl cookies,
还有 逾越节快到了
and also, Passover's coming up.
到时就没有牛油果沙拉酱和牛油果寿司了
And there won't be guacamole or dragon rolls.
洛杉矶的犹太教好怪异
LA Judaism's weird.
先生
Sir.
阿道弗斯·哈斯来见您
Adolphus Hass is here to see you.
加州的牛油果大王
The California 'Cado King?
很好
Good.
听着 我们都很害怕
Look, we're all scared,
但一切会好起来的
but it's gonna be okay.
这是个商业问题
This is a business problem,
解决商业问题就是我的中间名[强项]
and solving business problems is my middle name.
这名字真美 是波兰名还是...
That's beautiful. Is that Polish or--
不管我今天有什么安排 通通取消
Whatever I was supposed to be doing today, cancel it.
滚出去
Get out of here!
我们没时间鸟你
We don't have time for you!
可算来了
Finally.
老天 实习生一年比一年垃圾
God, these interns get worse every year.
不 我是你上司
No, I'm your boss.
你跑哪去了
Hey, where the hell have you been?
我知道 今早很难熬 我没怎么睡过
I know, rough morning. I haven't been sleeping.
尼尔半夜每次起床去尿尿都发短♥信♥给我
Neil texts me every time he gets up to pee at night.
他也尿太多次了
Oh, that's too many times.
然后我就睡不着了
And then I can't fall back asleep,
之后就这样了
and blah, blah, blah.
吃点褪黑素 看饶舌女歌♥手卡迪B的放松助眠视频
Take some melatonin and watch a Cardi B ASMR video.
我都用这招 我睡得跟婴儿一样香甜
That's my move, and I sleep like a toddler.
周一素颜日 很勇敢嘛
Makeup-free Monday, very brave.
-不 我是没睡觉 -我也睡不着
- No, I'm not sleeping. - Me neither.
我很兴奋 因为要和你聊这个
I've been so excited to get into this with you.
地质钻探改革举措
对哦 你那个地下水位的事
Right, your water table thing.
你很清楚
You know it!
不过我现在要开会
I've actually got a meeting right now.
很好 那我就有时间
Perfect, that'll give me time
给我的嗓子热身了
to do some vocal warm-ups.
地下水位 地下水位 堵嘴球
Water table, water table, ball gag.
好吧
Okay.
你能来我很高兴 阿道弗斯
I'm glad you came by, Adolphus.
我朋友们都叫我阿道弗[希♥特♥勒♥]
Oh, all my friends call me Adolph.
还是不了吧 请坐
No, thank you. Go ahead, sit down.
告诉你 在这场危机中南部的牛油果农民
I tell you, the Southland's avocado farmers
损失最为惨重
are bearing the brunt of this crisis.
我们首先要弄清楚的是
The first thing we need to figure out
是什么导致了短缺
is what's causing the shortage.
都是因为现在闹旱灾
It's this drought we're having.
我农场的产量比小人国边远小店的还低
My farm's yields are lower than a limbo bar in Lilliput.
-老天 他用词真农家 -你需要水
- God, he's folksy. - You need water.
这是这座城市历来的难题
I mean, it's the story of this city.
如果洛杉矶河里流淌的是水
If only the LA River had water in it
而不是我所听说的黄♥片♥地表径流就好了
instead of what I've been told is called pornography runoff.
这问题该如何解决 阿道弗斯
So how are we gonna fix this, Adolphus?
我正等你问呢
I'm glad you asked.
我和所有地方市长都见过面了
See, I've been meeting with all the local mayors:
圣塔莫尼卡 伯班克 珊达地带
Santa Monica, Burbank, Shondaland.
知名编剧珊达·莱梅斯创立的制♥作♥公♥司♥
珊达地带 真有这地方吗
Shondaland, is that a real place?
有 但与您无关 先生
Yes, but it's not for you, sir.
他们都会出一份力 但全世界
And they're all pitching in, but no place on Earth
吃最多牛油果的地方就是天使之城[洛杉矶]
eats more 'cados than the City of Angels,
所以我希望您也会一"马"当先[掏钱]
so I sure do hope that you'll pony up.
请问这是问我要钱的农家说法吗
I'm sorry, is that just a folksy way of asking for money?
如果您资助哈斯农场
If you subsidize Hass Farms,
我从西雅图用船运水过来都没问题
I can afford to ship water down from Seattle,
那地方够湿的 堪比意大利的...
and that place is wetter than an Italian--
不不不
No, no, no, no, no.
听着 那不是解决方法
Look, that--that's not a solution.
只能治标不能治本
That's just a patch.
老大 我们现在可是深陷粪潭
Hey, we're up crap crick here, boss.
我们需要治标
We need a patch,
再说政♥府♥不就最擅长只治标糊弄民众吗
and isn't patches what government does best?
先生 这次牛油果危机是个第四象限问题
Sir, this avocado thing is a four-quadrant problem.
受影响的包括妈妈们 婴儿们 基佬们还有农业工人
It affects moms, babies, gay-bies, and ag workers.
没错 有些人用牛油果
Yeah, some people use avocados
骗自己吞下药丸
to trick himself into swallowing pills.
给补助金能取得双赢
A subsidy is a win-win.
我拿到水 人们吃上牛油果
I get water. People get their 'cados.
我们在果园里拍张照
We take a picture in an orchard.
你能上遍所有头条
You get all the headlines.
先生 给媒体拍照和上正面头条新闻
Sir, a photo op and a positive headline
此刻对您来说也许不是坏事
might not be such a bad thing for you right now.
是啊 你上任的头一百天就快到了
Yeah, your first 100 days are almost up,
根据我聊过的那些记者反馈的信息
and according to all the reporters I've spoken to,
目前的报道角度是
the current angle is
"新任市长很年迈 但富得性感可爱"
"New mayor is old but rich hot."
富得性感可爱
Rich hot?
跟亚马逊总裁贝佐斯那样吗
What, like Bezos?
-没错 就跟贝佐斯那样 -不 不像贝佐斯
- Exactly, sir, like, Bezos. - No, not like Bezos.
听着 用钱来解决问题
Look, writing checks to make problems go away
并不是我的行事方式
is not how I do things.
"我当初在自己公♥司♥时..."
"Back at my company..."
我当初在自己公♥司♥时 学会了做各种事
Back at my company, I learned how to do every job
这样我才能解决任何问题
so I could fix every problem.
我学会了如何开叉车 让书籍保持平衡
I learned how to drive a forklift, balance the books.
在94年的地震后
After the '94 earthquake,
我的司机说路上不安全
my drivers said the roads were not safe,
于是我就跑出去学了个A级拖车驾驶证
so I went out, and I got a Class A tractor trailer license,
然后第二天
and the next day,
电影《神探飞机头》的电影宣传广♥告♥
billboards for "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective"
就遍及南加州了
were all over Southern California.
好了
All righty, then!