市长先生（2021）

坐下歇歇吧 我还没决定呢
Have a seat. I haven't decided yet.
尼尔·布里莫市长发表就职演讲
但如果我要留下
But if I do stay,
我们必须好好想想怎么处理那家伙
we have to figure out a plan for that guy.
谁 杰登吗
Who? Jayden?
他是上届留任人员 我们可以开除他
He's a holdover. We can fire him.
在本届政♥府♥管理下 会改变这一点的
That's gonna change with my administration.
好了 还有谁有问题要问吗
Yeah, anyone else? Anybody?
或者留下吧
Or do we keep him?
什么时候需要丢个替罪羊出去
Whenever it's time to throw someone under a bus,
就把他这头羊丢出去
he could be our bus meat.
这座伟大的城市 每一个政♥府♥工作人员
Everyone who works for this great city
都至关重要 能力突出
is essential and productive.
那是我对我的团队唯一的要求
That's all I ask of my team.
洛杉矶市的市民们请放心
And it's the very least that the people of Los Angeles
这是本届政♥府♥至少可以做到的
should expect from this office.
-来吧 让我... -他的确有点东西
- Come on. Let me have some... - He really is something.
我会把他的座位安排在我们的旁边
I'll make sure his desk is near ours.
手♥机♥ 记得提醒我...
Phone, remind me to...
推♥翻♥父权制
Topple the patriarchy!
相信我 没人比俺对于
Believe me, no one here is more disappointed
最近的市长选举结果更加失望
in the outcome of our recent mayoral election than me.
比"我"
Than I!
等我当选高二学生会主席
When I am elected sophomore class president,
我会在全校园范围内推行禁止塑料吸管的行动
I will ban all plastic straws from school property,
不仅是因为塑料吸管会害海龟和水母窒息
not just because they choke sea turtles and jellyfish--
-用拉丁语说是"刺胞动物" -刺胞动物
- In Latin, cnidaria. - Cnidaria.
而是因为用吸管喝东西是男人们推动的谎言
But because drinking through a straw is a phallic lie.
女孩是有嘴的 我们是时候用嘴直接喝了
Girls have mouths, and it's time for us to use them!
女孩用嘴喝 谢谢你 奥丽
In ora puellae! Thank you, Orly.
好了 作为过渡项目
Now, as a transitional device,
我会用我的中音竖笛演奏一小段
I will play a brief phrase on my alto recorder.
美妙极了
Wonderful.
下一位学生会主席参选人
Our next student council nominee,
欢迎薇达·钟·冯·美第奇-伊托·西蒙斯
please welcome Veda Chung von Medici-Ito Simmons.
在我开始前
Um, before I begin,
我的手♥机♥上刚收到一条新闻推送
I just received, like, a bonkers news alert on my phone.
薇达 叙述句结尾要把音调往下压
Veda, statements go down at the end.
"手♥机♥上收到的新闻推送"
"A bonkers news alert on my phone-uh."
奥丽的理念或许没有她希望我们认为的那样有进步性
Orly's idea may not be as progressive as she wants us to think
因为市长刚刚宣布
because the literal mayor literally just said
他要在全市范围内禁止塑料吸管的使用
that he's doing a citywide plastic straw ban.
-什么 -你自己看吧
- What? - See for yourself.
可以降低本地商户的耗材成本
Less waste for local businesses.
洛杉矶市长宣布禁用塑料吸管
这也是为了我们的海龟朋友们好
And it's the right thing to do for our turtle friends.
这是想都不用想的 请问
It's a no-brainer. Yeah?
但那样的话 我们要怎么喝冰咖啡
But how will we drink iced coffee?
做成冰棒
Make popsicles.
-那人们要怎么吸可♥卡♥因♥ -别吸可♥卡♥因♥
- How will people do cocaine? - Don't do cocaine.
你会破产的 而且会频繁拉肚子
You'll go broke, and you'll get the runs.
上帝保佑你们 上帝保佑洛杉矶
God bless you! And God bless Los Angeles!
天呐 爸 你怎么能做这种事
My God, Daddy! How could you do this?
-禁用吸管是我的竞选主题啊 -因为...
- The straw ban is my thing! - Because...
因为我在乎你在乎的事
Because I care about things that you care--
记得吗 你以前爱宝可梦时 我也在乎宝可梦
Remember, I cared about Pokémon when you loved Pokémon.
爸 你怎么能这么对我
Dad, how could you do this to me?
现在大家都认为我抄袭了你禁用吸管的想法
I mean, everything thinks I copied your straw ban idea.
-你必须撤回这个想法 -请恕我做不到
- You have to take yours back. - I can't do that.
-你知道薇达是怎么说的吗 -薇达是谁
- Do you know what Veda said? - Who's Veda?
她说她就是料到了
She said that the straw ban
一个白种富人的女儿会做出禁用吸管
was exactly the kind of frivolous thing she would expect
这种肤浅愚蠢的事
from a rich, white man's daughter.
-好吧 -她说我们是高高在上的富人
- Okay. - She called us rich!
不 我是富人 你是沾光的富二代
No, I'm rich. You're my plus-one.
听着 你去告诉薇达
Look, you tell Veda
说我出生在皇冠高地的一个无电梯公♥寓♥里
that I was born in a walk-up in Crown Heights.
我跟我爷爷和外公挤在一张床上睡觉
I slept in one bed with both my grandfathers.
其中一个还患有"性♥欲♥型痴呆"
And one of them had something called erotic dementia.
我讨厌这故事 我也讨厌你当市长的事
I hate that story, and I hate that you're mayor.
我也讨厌我们不得不搬进
And I hate that we had to move
这栋老旧恶心的市长府邸
into this gross, old mayor house!
你以为我喜欢这房♥子吗
You think I like this house?
我都不会使用这里的空调
I can't figure out the AC.
我的雪茄都要变质了
All my cigars are going bad.
我的手表啊
My watches.
快打开电视
Turn on the TV...
天呐 你们打扮得真气派
Jeez, you guys look nice.
简直像一对腹语表演用的假人
A couple of ventriloquist dummies.
算了说正事 电视上在播一个报道
Anyway, there's this thing on TV.
我觉得你们应该看看
I just thought you should check it out.
似乎很紧急
It seems urgent.
禁用吸管的决议遭遇炮轰
我想说 禁用吸管的决议
And I wanna say that this plastic straw ban
是对我们整个社区的公然侮辱
is an affront to our entire community.
-我绝不允许这种事发生 -什么
- And I will never allow it. - What?
这是哪颗葱啊 我讨厌她的发型
Who is this? I hate her haircut.
那是阿比·麦斯科曼 13区的女议员
That's Arpi Meskimen, District 13 Councilwoman.
她代表的地区包括东好莱坞 小孟加拉
She represents East Hollywood, Little Bangladesh,
以及好莱坞永恒公墓
and the Hollywood Forever Cemetery.
但是她很自♥由♥党的
But she's super liberal.
她为什么要反对吸管禁令
Why would she be against the straw ban?
禁止使用可弯曲塑料吸管
A ban on bendable plastic straws
是在公开歧视四肢瘫痪者
is blatant discrimination against quadriplegics
和任何没有办法使用双手的洛杉矶人
or any Angeleno with limited use of their hands.
他们都自称四瘫 或椅子里的狗
They call themselves quaddies, or chairdogs.
我们没有
No, we don't.
我很抱歉
Oh! I'm sorry.
那肯定是我的侄子都拿我开刷
My nephew must have been pranking me.
布里莫市长
Mayor Bremer,
记住这张脸
memorize this face.
镜头给我放大
Zoom in on me.
好吧 我过来
Fine. I'll come to you.
我有你的号♥码 布里莫
I've got your number, Bremer.
你就像是在药店买♥♥的内衣
Like underwear bought in a drugstore,
根本撑不过两个星期
you're not gonna last two months.
这可不妙 伙计们
Oh, this is not good, guys.
是啊 得赶紧去告诉市长
Yeah, someone needs to tell the mayor.
是的 杰登 你说的时候
Yes, Jayden, and when you do that,
记得强调这件事的影响有多么恶劣
emphasize how bad the optics are.
今天是第一天 你可绝对不想
It's day one, and this straw thing
栽在吸管这座大山上吧
is not the hill you wanna die on, okay?
等等 要我去告诉他吗
Wait, me go tell him?
我马上去
I'm on it!
派对上见
I'll see you guys at the party.
但如果又见面了就不算了
Hey, but not if you see me first.
好了
All right.
奥丽 好了 亲爱的
Orly, come on, honey.
我知道你冲进去的时候
Look, I know you thought it was a bathroom
以为这是一个厕所
when you ran in there,
但是承认这只是一个空柜橱也没什么的
but it's okay to admit that it's an empty closet.
-奥丽 -伙计们
- Orly? - Hey, buddies!
-什么 -抱歉 我本来想说伙计的
- Excuse me? - Sorry, I was gonna say buddy,
然后我意识到其实不能那么说
and then, I realized that was not okay.
于是我的大脑就说"那用复数试试"
And then, my brain was like, "Pluralize it?"
然后我在心里说"不 这简直是疯了"
And then, I was like, "No, that's insane."
-你是哪位 -我是杰登·夸比斯
- Look, which one are you? - I'm Jayden Kwapis.
手很暖的那个
Very warm hand.
你叫杰登这个名字是不是有点老了
Aren't you a little old for the name Jayden?
谢谢你注意到了这一点
Thank you for noticing.
我应该是你见过最老的杰登
I'm actually one of the oldest Jaydens you'll ever meet.
生于1981年 我倾向于认为我是最初版的杰登