市长先生（2021）

才能在家做先付款后交货狗粮
to make CBD dog food out of your home,
但拍可爱的网上孩子视频
but you don't need a license
不需要许可证
for cute internet kid videos.
再加上 如果是在主题公园拍
Plus, if I have it at a theme park,
就要打官司了
lawsuit.
纯粹为了确认一下
And just to cross all of our Ts here,
你和夸比斯先生确证了他是孩子的父亲吗
you and Mr. Kwapis have confirmed his paternity?
没有 但女人就是知道 对吧 魔形女
No, a woman knows. Right, Mystique?
-其实是米凯拉 -米凯拉
- Oh, it's Mikaela, actually. - Mikaela?
我不知道 你看起来像魔形女
I don't know. You look like a Mystique.
总之 我知道不是其他那些男人的
Anyway, I know it's not any of those other guys.
不 咖啡
Oh, no, coffee.
不好 当心 意外
Here it comes. Look out, accident!
不 文件 我们得重新弄了
Oh, no, the paperwork. We have to redo it.
不是文件吧
Not the paperwork.
等我们重新弄好文件你再来好吗
Will you come back when we redo the paperwork?
好啊 我出去走走
Sure. I'll just go lay out.
我是为两个人晒太阳
I'm tanning for two.
杰登
Jayden.
文件的事真是太抱歉了 伙计们
I'm so sorry about the papers, guys.
-我不是故意的 -你不是吗
- I didn't mean to. - You didn't?
你自然而然地说了"不 咖啡
You naturally said, "Oh, no, coffee.
不好 当心 意外"吗
Here it comes. Look out, accident"?
是啊 怎么了
Yeah, why?
但你听到她说她和其他男的在一起过 对吧
But you heard what she said about being with other guys, right?
所以呢
So?
我们之间又不是独占关系
I mean, it's not like we're exclusive.
你们还记得道奇队的艾米莉吗
You guys remember Emily from the Dodgers?
我不是八卦 但我们抱了
I'm not one to kiss and tell, but we hugged.
如果这是部电视剧
If this was a TV show,
名字就会是《杰登的罗曼史》
it'd be called "The Romances of Jayden."
好吧 但你根本没证据说你是孩子的父亲
Okay, but you have no proof that you're the biological father.
那她为什么不说那些人是 而说我是呢
Then out of all those guys, why did she say I was?
因为你 我该怎么说
Because you're-how do I put this?
非常容易骗
Extremely gullible.
上次我听到你
The other day, I heard you give out
在电♥话♥里告诉别人你的社保号♥
your social security number on the phone.
他说我被提名社保奖了
The man said I was nominated for a Social Security Award.
我们只是说萨曼西很可疑
We're just saying that Samanthee is shady.
我们只是在为你着想
We're only looking out for you.
不对 我知道这是什么了
No, I see what this is.
杰登要有孩子了
Jayden is having a baby,
而你们俩有的只是大学贷款
and all you two have is college debt
和"拉亚"[交友平台]的拒绝邮件
and rejection emails from Raya.
我是填错表了 好吗
I filled out the form wrong, okay?
已经在改了
It's being rectified.
这就像是你嫉妒你姐的小孩
It's like how you're jealous of your sister's baby,
还有你每次看到《建筑文摘》的
and how mad you get every time you see
尼尔·帕特里克·哈里斯封面都会生气一样
Neil Patrick Harris' "Architectural Digest" cover.
我没嫉妒
I'm not jealous,
我只是不喜欢他们的字谜屋
I just hate what they did with the charades room.
还为我着想 跟真的一样
Looking out for me? As if.
迎婴会不欢迎你们
You know, you guys are uninvited to the baby shower.
还有当我放气球的时候 别看它们
And when I do the balloon release, do not look at them.
它们不是给你们的
They are not for you.
好了
Okay.
感谢大家前来与会
Thank you all for coming in to meet with me.
我知道我们能一起找到个合理的
I know together we can find a reasonable so--
不用费心胡扯让我们分摊费用了
Yeah, don't bother with this let's share the cost nonsense.
那个想法就像只老胖企鹅一样 飞不起来的
That idea is a big old penguin, 'cause it ain't gonna fly.
我明白 我明白 你们需要棕榈树
Hey look, I get it, I get it. You guys need palm trees.
不管是你们的店名里有"棕榈"
Whether it's because you own a business with "Palm" In the name
还是你们经营着室外训练营
or you run an outdoor boot camp.
我那些帅同性恋该去爬哪
What are my hot gays supposed to climb?
或者你是好莱坞场景经理
Or you're a Hollywood locations manager.
我们得去坦帕拍《爱乐之城》的续集了
We're gonna have to shoot the "La La Land" Sequel in Tampa.
坦帕
Tampa!
还有显然 你需要棕榈叶来过住棚节
And obviously, you need palm fronds for Sukkot.
所以你经营的是什么 先生
So what kind of business do you run, sir?
-干洗店 -太好了
- A dry cleaners. - Great.
所以每年你要花多少
So annually, how much do you--
但那不是我来这的原因
But that's not why I'm here.
以车牌号♥为代码
Using codes on license plates,
外星人教了我们如何让棕榈树怀孕
aliens taught us how to impregnate palm trees
创造出超级种族
and create a super race.
我的天 这座城市
Oh, my God, this city.
-这是我儿子 -什么
- This is my son. - What--
我们非常好讼的
And we're very litigious.
市长先生 你会毁掉洛杉矶的
Mr. Mayor, you're gonna destroy Los Angeles.
还有整个宇宙
And the universe.
我只是想让你们 把那个拿下去
I'm just asking you to, take that off my table.
我只是想让你们考虑一下
I'm just asking you to consider.
就这点请求
That's all I'm asking from you.
我们不会玩你的小游戏的 太离谱了
We are not playing your little game, it's insane.
坦白说 你现在就跟疯子一样
And frankly, you're being a total psycho.
我是疯子吗
I'm a psycho?
绝对是疯子
Hella psycho.
怎么了 我是一名洛杉矶的拉比
What? I'm an L.A. Rabbi.
爸 你有外卖♥♥的密♥码♥吗
Dad, do you have the Postmates password?
这里的饭不是人吃的
The food here is, like, subhuman.
抱歉这个会开了这么久
Sorry this meeting's taking so long.
完全是一场灾难
It's a disaster.
我真庆幸我没邀请阿比
I'm so glad I didn't invite Arpi.
等一下 你没邀请的人是阿比吗
Wait, Arpi is the one you didn't invite?
帮我个忙
Hey, do me a favor.
拿上我手♥机♥ 想吃什么点什么
Take my phone, order whatever you want.
这里是市区 所以大多是散装肉
We're downtown, so it's mostly bulk meat,
但味道也不错
but it's good.
爸 阿比超在意棕榈树的
Dad, palm trees are, like, Arpi's thing.
她有一整个活页夹 上面有不同颜色的标签
She had a whole binder. It had color-coded tabs.
亲爱的 我知道你觉得
Sweetie, I know you think
这样做不好
this is toxic Boomer-linity or whatever.
但不要跟阿比说 好吗
But do not say anything to Arpi, okay?
我得走了
I gotta go.
米凯拉 我们是在嫉妒吗
Mikaela, are we jealous?
嫉妒我姐的孩子吗 没有 我们都很好看
Of my sister's baby? No, we're both cute.
这不是比拼 除非她非要和我比
It's not a competition unless she makes it a competition.
不 嫉妒杰登
No, of Jayden.
他是对的吗 我本身是不想要小孩的
Was he right? I mean, I don't want kids per se,
但我一直觉得到现在我至少该有
but I always thought that by now I'd at least have, like,
一只法国斗牛犬
a French bulldog
还有一个我总是忘记教导的问题少年
and an at-risk teen I keep forgetting to mentor.
是啊 杰登在这本来是应该
Yeah. Jayden is supposed to be here
让我自我感觉更好的
to make me feel better about myself.
现在他有孩子了
Now he's got a kid,
还有他的头发不用任何东西就能卷成那样
and he gets his hair to curl like that without any product?
我们说我们是在为他着想
You know, we said we were just looking out for him,
但如果真是那样
but if that were really true,
我们会因为他生我们的气就停止为他着想吗
would we have stopped looking out just 'cause he got mad at us?
洛杉矶动漫展是什么时候
When was L.A. Comic-Con?
我为什么会知道
Why would I know?
因为克里斯·派恩有时候会去
'Cause Chris Pine is sometimes there.
-麦斯科曼副市长 -奥丽
- Deputy Mayor Meskimen. - Orly.
跟你♥爸♥说 我马上就弄好了
Tell your old man I'm almost done here.
他让我找出市宪♥章♥里所有
He asked me to find every mention
有"树"字的地方
of the word "Tree" in the city charter.
我找到两处 一处是"三"写错了
I found two, one of which was a typo for "Three."
你就是保龄派对里的奥莉维亚·S
You were Olivia S. at the bowling party.
那是部讲性感少年自杀的网飞剧还是
Is that a Netflix show about sexy teen suicide or...
我爸想转移你的注意力
My dad is trying to distract you