市长先生（2021）

我决心扩大和改善大众运输系统
I am committed to expanding and improving public transit
因为这些辛勤的洛杉矶人
because it's hardworking Angelenos like these
才是我们城市的命脉
that are the lifeblood of our city.
所以作为... 你好啊
So as--oh! Hey there, pal.
我能问问 你今天搭公车为什么不♥穿♥裤子吗
May I ask why you got on the bus today with no pants?
不然我要怎么去裤子商店买♥♥裤子 白♥痴♥
How else am I supposed to get to the pants store, idiot?
这就对了
Well, there you go.
无论是裤子商店还是市政厅
Whether it's a pants store or City Hall,
洛杉矶地铁都能将你送达
LA Metro will get you there.
作为市长...
Now, as mayor--
你是个屁市长
You're not the mayor.
老子才是市长
I'm the mayor.
我们在这件事上可以持保留意见吧
Well, let's just agree to disagree, shall we?
市长大战
Mayor fight!
市长大战
Mayor fight!
好了 冷静 别这样
Oh, come on. Come on, stop.
市长先生
第一季第三集
早上好 市长先生
Good morning, Mr. Mayor.
我不确定这件事该跟谁说
I'm not sure who needs to know this,
不过告诉你们 在733路公车上
but FYI, on the 733 bus,
我不再是这座城市的市长
I'm no longer the mayor of this city.
那个公车市长比你强壮 先生
That bus mayor was stronger than you, sir.
杰登
Hey, Jayden,
我觉得市长的公车小演讲很具原创性呢
I found the mayor's little bus speech real original.
其实不是原创
It actually wasn't.
为了省时间 我直接用了他上次的演讲稿
To save time, I just took his last speech
把"藻花"改成了"公车乘客"
and changed "algae bloom" to "bus passengers."
-我是讽刺你 -好厉害 我没听出来
- I was being sarcastic. - Well, you're great at it.
杰登
Yeah, Jayden,
推特网友都开始注意到我们循环利用演讲稿了
Twitter has started to notice that we're recycling speeches.
小型企业是这座城市的命脉
Small businesses are the lifeblood of this city.
价格合理的农产品是这座城市的命脉
Reasonably-priced produce is the lifeblood of this city.
希恩大主教逝世
The passing of Archbishop Sheehan
是这座城市的... 被你气死
is the lifeblood-- you're killing me.
传媒部也许有点捉襟见肘了
Yeah, the comms department may be stretched a little thin.
-多谢夸奖呢 -我已经着手处理了 先生
- Why, thank you. - I'm on it, sir.
我在领英 怪物 克雷格列表等网站
I put up listings for a speechwriter
登广招聘演讲稿撰写人
on LinkedIn, Monster, Craigslist.
已经收到了一些
I've already gotten some responses
不是屌♥照的回复
that weren't genital photographs.
很好 杰登
Great. So, Jayden,
开始浏览简历 选个人
start going through résumés and pick someone.
我说不好
I don't know.
我有次雇一个人帮我组装书架
I once hired someone to assemble a bookshelf,
结果他偷了我的电视机 还泡了我妈
and yada, yada, yada. Stole my TV, dated my mom.
拜托 这是个好机会 让你站出来
Come on, this is a chance for you to step up
做个男人
and be a man.
或是做个强大有能力的女人
Or a strong, capable woman.
但我比较像是创意天才 而不是经理
But I'm more of a creative genius than a manager.
我对你有信心 杰登
I have faith in you, Jayden.
找个能让你生活更轻松的人
Just find someone who makes your life easier
然后雇用那人
and hire that person.
或女人
Or woman.
下个话题 麦斯科曼女士今早
Moving on, Ms. Meskimen this morning
要去布伦特伍德
will be in Brentwood.
我最喜欢去市政厅了
I love a town hall.
民♥主♥发挥作用
Democracy at work,
人们为各种事进行激烈辩论
people getting heated over ideas,
在洛杉矶 总会有无脑名人出席
and in LA, there's always some dingbat celebrity there,
在那逼逼个不停
running their mouth,
我就可以告诉他们 他们并不特别
and I get to tell them they're not special.
我都不明白我们为什么需要在这里
I don't even understand why we need to build
建低收入住房♥
low-income housing here.
我已经有房♥子了 我有十栋房♥子
I already have a home. I have ten homes.
我的生活很轻松
Life is easy for me.
你并不特别
You're not special!
这次会很好玩的
Yeah, this is gonna be a fun one.
那些布伦特伍德的蠢屌♥富豪
All those rich Brentwood turkeys think
以为自己很高贵 不该接触垃圾
they're too good for trash.
等等 这是为了那个回收中心吗
Wait a second. Is this about the recycling center?
我应该去的
Because I should be there.
那里是布伦特伍德 我和那些人是同类
It's Brentwood. Those are my people.
阿比 抱歉
Arpi, I'm sorry,
-但这事必须由我带头 -很好
- but I need to take the lead on this. - Great.
我对您很有信心 会全力支持您 先生
You have my complete confidence and support, sir.
才怪
Not.
什么才怪
Not what?
之前我说 "我对您很有信心 会全力支持您"
I said you had my confidence and support.
那都是一个半小时前的事了
That was an hour and a half ago.
我不信任你面对这些人能做好
I can't trust you around these people.
你和他们是一伙的 到时你上台
You're one of them. You're gonna get up there
面对那些1%的精英
in front of those one percenters
肯定会牌桌一样缩成一团
and fold like a card table.
牌桌怎么能缩成一团呢 阿比
How you do you fold a card table, Arpi?
它们是用实木做的 还带杯架
They're made of solid wood with cup holders
这样上面的毛毡才不会皱
so you don't pucker the felt.
你恰恰证明了我的观点 牌桌是塑料做的
You're proving my point. Card tables are plastic!
在有人被枪击后你惊慌失措
You put them in the yard to serve Crystal Light on
在院子里走来走去时
after someone gets shot
可以用来放在院子里当水晶灯用
and you're all just milling around in shock.
你想来就来吧
Come if you want,
不过你没什么可担心的
but you have nothing to worry about.
我去定了 而且我们要放
I'm coming, and we're playing
我的市政厅会议前打气音乐
my pre-town hall psych-up music.
先生 请把这个插♥进♥接口
Officer, plug this into the RCA jack, please.
准备好兴奋起来吧
Get ready to get pumped.
你叫米凯拉对吧
Hey. Mikaela, right?
奥丽 你好 你好啊
Orly. Hi, and hello.
我爸在吗
Is my dad around?
学校爆水管了 所以提前放学
A pipe burst at school, so they let us go early.
不在 糟糕 他的行程改变了
Oh, no. Shoot. His schedule changed.
不过你可以待在这 姐们
But you can hang out here, little homey.
姐得做功课 功课最逊了
Homeys gotta homework. Homework. Boo.
她竟然能做出这种事 随便了
I can't believe her. Whatever.
怎么了 裸照泄漏吗 还是塑料姐妹
What's wrong? Leaked nudes? Frenemy?
就是今天的一场蠢透的管弦乐团演奏会
Just a stupid orchestra concert today.
今天 不是说水管爆了吗
Today? What about the pipe?
等等 你是管弦乐团的成员吗
Wait, are you in the orchestra?
我以前当过管弦乐团经理 所以更接近管理层
I was orchestra manager, so more on the biz side.
我演奏横笛 但也不会有人想念我的
I play flute, but it's not like anyone's gonna miss me.
所以水管爆裂的事是你撒谎了
So you lied about the pipe
因为你对演奏会感到紧张
because you're nervous about the concert.
天呐 当然不是 紧张什么
Oh, my God, no. "Nervous"?
我的横笛技艺简直炉火纯青
I murder the flute like Lizzo.
我苦苦练习整个夏天就为了当上首席
I practiced all summer to make first chair,
我最终也当上了首席
and I did make first chair,
但肯尼老师竟然把《培尔·金特》里的独奏机会
but then Mr. Kenny gave the solo in "Peer Gynt"
给了艾比·夏皮罗 因为他是个法♥西♥斯♥主义者
to Abby Shapiro because he's a fascist,
那整个席位体系还有什么意义呢
and it's like, what's even the point of the chair system?
简直太不公平了 我讨厌高中
It's so unfair, and I hate high school!
跟你说一声 市长的女儿来了
Hey, FYI, the mayor's daughter's here,
我打算这么应对
so this is how I'm going to play it.
我会故意把事情全都做错
I'll do everything wrong
这样她就会勃然大怒地跑出这里
so that she runs out of here furious.
等等 你抢先一步了吗
Wait, you beat me to it?
看来米凯拉又赢了
Guess Mikaela wins again.
好吧
Yeah.
听着 听我说
Listen. Listen.
我知道面试会让人紧张到崩溃
I know interviews can be nerve-racking.
如果你愿意 你可以想象下我穿内♥裤♥的样子
If you want, you can picture me in my underwear.