市长先生（2021）

What, because of Nestor?
他耳朵长得那么怪
He has weird ears
而且总翻看我包包里面
and he's always, like, looking in my bag.
他是保安啊
He's a security guard.
听着 米凯拉 你我基本以办公室为家
Look, Mikaela, you and I basically live at work,
所以我计算过了 本亚裔这么说不算种族歧视
so I did the math--which only I can say 'cause racism,
我们时间紧迫
and time is not on our side.
特别是对我们其中一个 那人比我老多了
Especially for one of us, who's much older than me.
不过比你大7个月而已
By seven months.
根据统计 我们应该在29.5岁前结婚
Statistically, we should be married by age 29.5
我需要预留至少一年时间给我妈减肥
and I'll need at least a year for my mom to lose the weight.
你想说什么 汤米
What you saying, Tommy?
我们会在这栋大楼里遇见配偶
We are going to meet our spouses in this building.
什么 这鬼地方
No! Here?
选择太少了
The pool is too small.
我可不想当负鼠的后妈啊
I don't want to be a stepmom to a possum.
是蜜袋鼯好吗 智障
It's a sugar glider, idiot.
我们在这里怎么可能找到对象啊
How are we supposed to meet anyone here?
我记得单身狗的痛苦
I remember being single.
面包总是还没吃完就坏了
Bread always going bad before you could finish it.
每天醒来都只有半边床
Waking up every day with only one side
被汗液浸湿
of the bed covered in sweat.
但现在我有艾米莉了
But, now I have Emily.
她在道奇队工作 她听起来是红发
She works for the Dodgers, and her hair sounds red.
怎么能让杰登比我们先找到对象
Jayden can't find love before us.
你是买♥♥了猴爪求姻缘吗 怎么回事
Did you buy a monkey's paw? What is happening?
你需要新照片 而我要
Come on, you need a new picture and I am gonna
把这栋楼翻个底朝天 找出如意郎君
beat this building till the candy comes out.
午饭时 我看了传奇球星诺兰·莱恩的旧视频
Over lunch, I was watching some old Nolan Ryan videos
还看了狗血编剧珊达·莱梅斯主讲的投球[卖♥♥剧本]课
and a Shonda Rhimes master class on pitching.
结果发现我会错意了 不过
It wasn't what I thought it was, but...
你知道她本来打算给「实习医生格蕾」
did you know she wanted "Grey's Anatomy"
取名为「外科医生」吗
to be called "Surgeons"?
那个剧肯定不会成功的 杰登
That wouldn't have worked, Jayden!
顶多拍12季
12 seasons, tops!
本剧已拍了17季
总之 明天
Anyway, so for tomorrow
我打算投快球 走中路
I'm thinking a fastball, right over the old middle.
我想好您下一个公共安全倡议了 先生
Okay, I've got your next public safety initiative, sir.
你知道有多少区域深潜者
Do you know how many area scuba divers
会被意外捞起来 扔到野火里吗
get accidentally scooped up and dumped on wildfires?
一个都没有 因为"大水肺"隐瞒了真♥相♥
No one does, because "Big Scuba" is covering it up.
水肺
阿比 能晚点再聊这个吗
Arpi, can this wait until later?
我正忙着呢
I'm in the middle of something here.
您在练习投球吗
Oh, you're practicing your pitch?
好主意 我不打扰你们了
Good idea. I'll leave you to it.
等一下 先别走
Wait, wait. Hold on a second.
我知道你有多想看到我失败
I know how much you love to see me fail,
所以只要你说
so I'm a little suspicious
我做的事是个好主意 我就会有些怀疑
whenever you say something I'm doing is a good idea.
好吧 这不是个好主意
Fair enough. This is not a good idea.
你会弄伤自己的
You're gonna hurt yourself.
怎么可能 我是运动健将
I am not. I'm an athlete.
我曾经跑完洛杉矶马拉松
I ran the LA Marathon
没流血 也没有憋不住要上厕所
with no bleeding or bathroom emergencies.
我一跑步我心脏就尖叫
You know when I run, my heart screams.
-那是什么时候的事 -我永远也忘不了
- And when was that? - I'll never forget.
开跑的名人是温蒂汉堡「牛肉在哪」广♥告♥的女主
The celebrity starter was the "Where's the Beef?" lady.
好吧 那是1985年的事了
Okay, yeah, that was, what, 1985?
我到明天就好了 有24小时锻炼
I'll be fine by tomorrow. I've got 24 hours to work out.
我会练习远距离投球
I'll do some long toss,
举下壶铃 用轮胎健身
some kettlebells, that thing with the tire.
您病得不轻 先生
You're delusional, sir.
超过60岁的肉体不存在锻炼
For the over-60 body, there is no working out.
只能维持
There is only preservation.
吃富含抗氧化剂的喜马拉雅坚果酱
Eating antioxidant-rich Himalayan nut butters,
泡在你家附近老年基♥督♥教会的冷池里
soaking in a cold pool at your local Y-They-CA,
海军罪案调查处品牌的葡萄糖胺软糖
taking NCIS-brand glucosamine gummies.
你怎么看出这玩意能和马克·哈蒙[导演]一样塑造你
How are you supposed to tell it's shaped like Mark Harmon?
他没有那么有特色的
He's not specific enough.
你想不想知道我最近刚刚在我侄子泰尔文的婚礼上
Would you care to know how I recently danced all night
跟他女友丽莎和她伴侣唐妮
at my nephew Telvin's wedding
跳了一整晚的舞
to his girlfriend Lisa and her partner Tawny?
怎么做到的 阿比
How, Arpi?
靠一整个星期都没有站起来
By not even standing up the whole week prior.
我不是躺在我的床上 就是在泡冷水澡
I was either in my bed, pow... or a cold bath.
如果你不站起来
And if you didn't stand up,
那你怎么从厕所到你的卧室
how'd you get from the bed to your bathroom?
用婴儿蜷缩的姿势锁在扫地机器人上 先生
Child's pose on a Roomba, sir.
谢谢你分享的故事
Thank you for that story,
阿比 但是我没事的
Arpi, but I'm gonna be fine.
你的葬礼见
Well... your funeral.
葬礼 不
Funeral? Nuh-uh!
明天绝对不可能是葬礼 那会是...
Tomorrow will be the opposite! It'll be--
那会是重生 因为人人都会说
it'll be a birth because everyone's gonna say
我是一个奇迹
that I'm a miracle,
他们还会给我一顶免费的帽子
and they're gonna give me a free hat!
绝对不可能
Absolutely not.
但我只是想
But all we're asking for
给他拍一张新的证件照 我呢 要一张
is a new ID photo for him, and for me, a list
这幢楼里工作的所有未婚男性名单
of all the unmarried men who work in this building
以及所有在七年内结婚
as well as any men married over seven years
情况变得微妙的男性名单
'cause that's when things get shaky.
我的回答是不
The answer is no.
别想着越级压我
And don't bother going over my head
因为我手上有我主管的性♥爱♥录像
because I have a sex tape of my supervisor.
求你了 我每天工作18小时
Please! I work 18-hour days
但我的基达账号♥就因为我引用里根的话而被封了
and my Grindr profile got shut down for quoting Reagan!
下一位
Next!
你为什么要这样
Why are you like this?
就因为你们这样的人
Because of people like you.
我在这里工作了30年 人们只有在有需要的时候
I've worked here for 30 years, and the only time anyone's paid
才会关注到我
any attention to me is when they want something.
「我不喜欢我的照片」
"Oh, I don't like my picture."
「我好饥渴 我想上整幢楼的人」
"Oh, I'm horny, I want to do the whole building."
-为什么我的声音更粗 -模仿得很棒
- Why is my voice deeper? - That is a good Mikaela.
我每天都兢兢业业
I come in every day and do my job,
但根本没人在乎
and no one gives a damn!
没有人欣赏我
No one appreciates me.
但是维修部的芭芭工作15周年纪念日
But Barb in maintenance gets an Applebee's gift card
都能拿到一张苹果礼品卡
for her 15th work-iversary!
-听着 我们都讨厌芭芭 -你们不讨厌
- Look, we all hate Barb-- - No, you're right.
-很抱歉 -什么 不
- We're sorry. - What? No!
-再见 -住手
- Bye-bye. - Stop it.
你的手好油 这可是阿玛迷
Your hands are greasy and this is Armami.
-你刚说的是阿玛迷吗 -也许吧
- Did you say "Armami"? - Maybe.
先生
Sir?
我是阿比
Arpi here.
现在已经是稍后了
It's later, like you said,
你说过的 我们能聊聊我的水肺潜水员安全倡议
so can we talk about my scuba diver safety initiative?
我应该找到一个被丢进火里的案例了
I think I found one who got dumped on a fire.
他的名字叫亨利·托茨
His name was Henry Totts.
在蒙特西托的山坡上发现了他的牙齿和装置
His teeth and a tank were found on a Montecito hillside.
先生
Sir?
这边
Over here.
别嘲笑我
Don't gloat.
太晚了
Too late.
你做了什么 施瓦辛格
What'd you do, Arnold?
卧推太重了吗 还是组合训练过头了
Bench too much press? Max out on supersets?
我打了个喷嚏 扭伤了背
I sneezed and threw my back out.
我在这里躺了一个小时了 那家伙