市长先生（2021）

并且
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棕榈树
树
改革
洛杉矶就是人间地狱
L.A. is a damn hellscape,
这不该怪我
and I am not to blame.
你确定人们能看懂吗
Are you sure people are gonna understand that?
这段影片极其复杂啊
There's a lot going on.
好歹凭借"老爸身材发福"这话题上热搜了
Well, it is trending under "Dad bod fail."
先生 商会的维多利亚·桑托斯打来找您
Sir, Victoria Santos from the Chamber of Commerce is calling.
谢谢 我最好去接一下
Ah, thank you. I should take this.
桑托斯女士
Ms. Santos.
市长先生 如果你要这样耍[睡]我
Mr. Mayor, if you're gonna screw me like this,
至少先请我吃顿晚餐
at least buy me dinner first.
然后 把我丈夫从家里支开
Then, get my husband out of the house
再放一出电影给我孩子们看
and put on a movie for my kids,
必须是他们都爱看的
one they can all agree on,
所以祝你好运了
so good luck with that.
维姬 如果你是为抖音的事生气
Vicki, if this is about the TikTok,
我也很讨厌那影片 但我们的确面临个问题
I hate it too, but we do have a problem here.
是啊 你想夺走我们的棕榈树
Yeah, you're trying to take away our palm trees.
不不 没人想夺走...
No, no, no one's trying to take away--
棕榈树是这座城市的象征
Palm trees symbolize this city!
有无数本地企业
We have countless local businesses
都用"棕榈"来命名
with "palm" in their names.
听着 那些树是祸害
Look, those trees are a menace,
但我每年必须花费五千万
but I have to pay $50 million a year
来维护它们
to keep them here.
所以如果你的朋友们想要那些树
So if your buddies want them,
就得花钱来维护
they gotta pay to maintain them.
他们绝不会同意的
They'll never go for that.
带他们来 全都来
Bring them in. Bring them all in.
-我们一起开个会 -吃瘪的是你[你的葬礼]- Let's have a meeting. - Your funeral.
我的葬礼会在布伦特伍德乡村俱乐部的第18洞举♥行♥
We'll be at the 18th hole of the Brentwood Country Club.
他们会用我的骨灰做成一个高尔夫球
They're gonna use my ashes to make a golf ball,
名将菲尔·米克尔森会在日落时分开球
and Phil Mickelson's gonna hit a drive at sunset.
这区区会议怎么能比得上
This will be nothing like that.
先生 有人改了
Sir, somebody changed the password
市政♥府♥抖音账号♥的密♥码♥
to the city's TikTok account.
你这些变装服都是从哪弄来的
Where are you getting the costumes?
好了 那家伙绝对
Okay, there's no way that guy's
不可能要当爸爸了
actually gonna be a father.
等等 难道你不相信同为女性的萨曼西吗
Wait, do you not believe Samanthee, a fellow woman?
你们谁有衣架吗
Do one of you guys have, like, a coat hanger?
有手也行
Or hands?
杰登 你和萨曼西
So, Jayden, have you and Samanthee
讨论过你们情况的法律义务了吗
discussed the, um, legalities of your situation?
我提出要娶她
Oh, well, I offered to marry her,
不用说 但她不想...
obviously, but she didn't wanna--
*戴上戒指*
*Put a ring on it*
那首歌♥不是这么唱的
That is not how that song goes.
什么歌♥ 反正
What song? Anyway,
她想怎么样我都接受
I'm fine with whatever she wants.
我就是很激动 要当爹了
I'm just so psyched to be a dad,
像我的英雄 我爸那样
you know, like my hero, my dad.
但有些现实问题
But there are some real things
你们需要商量解决
that you guys need to work out.
比如探视问题
Like what about visitation?
或是祖父母见孩子的权利
Or, um, grandparents' rights to see the kid?
我的祖父母不是死了就是疏远了
Oh, my grandparents are either all dead or estranged.
不 他是指你的父母
No, he means your parents.
我爸妈想见我随时可以见啊
My parents can see me whenever they want,
-只是他俩不能碰到面 -我服了
- just not together. - Oh, boy.
杰登 你需要找个律师
Um, Jayden, you need to get a lawyer.
好吧 你就是律师啊
Okay, well, you're a lawyer, right?
-可我... -没错
- Well, I-- - Yes!
汤米很乐意帮忙
Tommy would be happy to help
也许萨曼西可以过来一趟
because maybe Samanthee could come by
我们可以见见她
and we could meet Samanthee.
试探下她想怎样
Get a sense of her deal,
或许再跟她玩玩两个真♥相♥一个谎言游戏
maybe play two truths and a lie.
这主意非常好
Yes, that is a very good idea.
游戏之夜 我发短♥信♥给萨曼西
Game night! I'll text Samanthee
看她今晚能不能从医院请假
and see if she can get time off from the hospital tonight.
她几乎每天都献血
She gives blood, like, every day.
继续说棕榈树的事 先生
Following up on the palm trees, sir.
我找到一个人 他愿意捐斧头给流浪汉
I found a guy who's willing to donate axes to the homeless.
我还选好了完美的本土替代植物 乳草
And I've got the perfect native replacement flora, milkweed!
老天 那简直是黄蜂的最爱
Boy, oh, boy, do wasps love it.
我问你个问题
Let me ask you a question.
我怎么才能不邀请某人参加某个活动
How do I not invite somebody to something
又不让对方发现
without them finding out?
没办法 你必须邀请所有人
You don't. You have to invite everyone.
我们在学校有很多研习会都是教这个的
We do tons of workshops in school about this.
学校还教这个
School is teaching you that?
排挤是一种关系攻击的形式
Exclusion is a form of relational aggression.
得了吧
Oh, come on.
适当的排挤能铸就品性
A little exclusion builds character.
我猜你是想排挤杰登
I assume you're trying to exclude Jayden,
但那不是他的错 大部分抖音视频就是很烂
but it's not his fault. Most TikToks are bad.
这人是谁不重要
It doesn't matter who the person is.
我就是需要这场会议顺利进行
I just need this meeting to go well.
爸爸 排挤总会适得其反
Dad, exclusion always backfires.
你还记得七年级时发生的事吗
Do you remember what happened in seventh grade
奥利维亚·P不想邀请奥利维亚·S去保龄派对
when Olivia P. didn't invite Olivia S. to a bowling party?
太多奥利维亚了 我哪记得
There are too many Olivias to keep track of.
我们当时在天空保龄球馆 聊得正欢
We were at SkyBowl, just talking and having a good time,
但奥利维亚·P很不爽 因为我们
but Olivia P. was mad because none of us
都没认真打保龄
were taking the bowling seriously.
我听着呢
Yep, I'm following this.
然后 奥利维亚·S和她爸妈出现在
Then, Olivia S. showed up with her parents
隔壁球道 她要发疯了
in the next lane, and she went totally psycho.
懂了 发疯
Got it. Psycho.
她开始尖声狂骂 说她要告诉亚当斯老师
She started screaming that she was gonna tell Ms. Adams,
于是奥利维亚·P慌了
so Olivia P. panicked and was like,
谎称"这不是我的生日派对啊
"No, this isn't my birthday party.
我们同属一支保龄球队"
We're on a bowling team."
结果我们被迫假装是中学保龄球队
So we had to pretend to be the middle school bowling team
打保龄球打到吐
and bowl so much.
到最后也没把蛋糕拿出来
And they never brought the cake out,
礼品袋是后来邮寄过来的 到那时
and they sent us the gift bags in the mail, and by that time,
里面的沙鼠都挂了
the gerbils were dead.
就像亚当斯老师常说唱的
It's like Ms. Adams always raps,
"收起你那态度 别排挤同学"
"Ditch the 'tude. Don't exclude."
老天
Oh, boy.
亚当斯老师真不该说唱 对吧
Ms. Adams should not be rapping, right?
对 惨不忍♥睹
No, it's really bad.
是啊 连我都知道
Yeah, even I know that.
在Y酒店订个房♥间 我要给流浪汉们
Book a room at the Y. I'll do an ax seminar
上斧头研讨会 之后
for the homeless. Then,
我们凭借征用权没收拉姆的体育馆
we seize the Ram's stadium by eminent domain,
把死棕榈树装在馆内
fill it with dead palm trees,
然后卖♥♥掉护根 没错
then sell the mulch. Yes!
这栋楼好高啊 像拉斯维加斯一样
This building's tall, like Vegas!
行吧 我们就有
Sure. Um, so we just have
一些标准文件要你们过目
some standard documents to go over.
但首先 恭喜你们
But first of all, congratulations.
就是啊
I know, right?
这孩子来的时机太完美了
The timing on this baby thing is, like, perfect.
什么时机
Oh, the timing is?
我刚发现得有许可证
I just found out you have to have a license