市长先生（2021）

Hey, city man, okay? Just look at him.
让我请你们一轮
Let me buy you guys a round.
-四杯啤酒怎么样 -不不
- You want four beers? - No, no.
给我矿泉水就好 谢了
Just seltzer for me. Thank you.
-真的吗 -是
- Really? - Yeah.
是不是晚上要开车
Are you driving late?
也许他是怀孕了 先生
Oh, maybe he's pregnant, sir.
我本不该说这个的
Well, I'm not supposed to talk about it,
但就在我们司机之间
but driver to driver...
昨天晚上后来怎么样
So how was the rest of your night?
-不太好 阿比 -真可怜
- Not great, Arpi. - Poor thing.
我睡得跟个婴儿一样
Me, I slept like a baby.
屁♥股♥翘起来 腹中全是奶
Butt in the air, belly full of milk.
你知道吗 剥夺睡眠是种酷刑
Sleep deprivation's a form of torture, you know?
所以你才会看到很多新妈妈
That's why you see so many new mothers
在超♥市♥停车场哭
weeping in the Whole Foods parking lot.
我之后再捡
I'll get that later.
所以你想睡吗
So would you like to sleep?
想 拜托了 让我做什么都行
Yes! Please, I'll do anything!
你想要什么 钱还是毒品
What do you want? Money, drugs?
让我背你也行
I'll give you a piggyback ride.
好 我不折磨你了
Okay, I'll quit torturing you.
事实上
In fact,
我会每天晚上给你打电♥话♥把你无聊到睡着
I'll call you every night and bore you to sleep.
鲁尼斯塔的广♥告♥里用蝴蝶代表催眠药
我会当你的私人小鲁尼斯塔[催眠药]虫
I'll be your own personal little Lunesta insect.
但首先 我确实有事需要你做
But first, I do need something from you.
你想要小孩吗 我姐有两个
You want a kid? My sister's got two!
其中一个是蓝眼睛 听上去不错吧
One has blue eyes. How does that sound?
你说你会听我的报告
You said you'd listen to my presentation,
我要你做的就是这个
and that's what you're gonna do.
中间不能睡着
Without falling asleep.
钻孔 它们什么都不是
Borings, they are anything but.
尼尔
Neil.
接到你的电♥话♥我真是太高兴了
Oh, I'm so glad you called.
你昨天那样匆匆离去
When you skedaddled like that yesterday,
我还以为我们的协议可能告吹了
I thought maybe our deal was off.
快进来 坐
Get in here. Sit down.
多谢
Thank you.
所以昨天
So yesterday,
你说你的车一整周都没开出去过
you said your trucks hadn't gone out all week.
真的吗
Or are they?
是这样的
See...
我去移车的时候
When I went out to move that truck,
发现前灯还开着
the headlights were on.
灯开着 但是电池依然有电
The lights were on, and the battery wasn't dead.
那辆车最近有人开过 还是在晚上
That truck had been driven recently, at night.
那能证明什么
What's that supposed to prove?
我现在这样如坐针毡的样子
I'm only fidgeting like this
只是因为我的鸡鸡太大了
because of my oversized genitals.
所以我找你的一个司机聊了聊
So I talked to one of your drivers.
你肯定弄错了 我没有司机
You must be mistaken. I don't have any drivers.
我只能把他们开了
I had to lay them off.
我也很奇怪 直到我
I was confused, too, until I went out
去了你在圣克拉丽塔的仓库
to your warehouse in Santa Clarita,
杰登引开狗后...
and while Jayden distracted the dog...
-用亲亲 -猜猜我找到了什么
- With kisses. - Guess what I found in there.
牛油果
'Cados.
整个仓库里全是牛油果
Whole warehouse full of 'em.
旱情根本没有毁掉你的收成
That drought didn't ruin your harvest.
这只是你囤积牛油果
It was just an excuse for you to stockpile avocados
炒高价格的借口
to drive the prices up
从我的纳税人手里拿救济金
while you took a handout from my taxpayers.
你根本没打算运水
You weren't gonna ship in any water.
你只打算往你自己的口袋里运钱
You were just gonna ship that money to your own pocket.
绝了
Oh, snap.
没错 而且还差点让你跑掉了
Yeah, and you almost got away with it too.
但我的牌都还在我手上呢 市长先生
Except I'm still holding all the cards, Mr. Mayor.
你已经承受不了继续短缺了
You can't afford for the shortage to go on much longer.
你的员工都说你需要更多正面的新闻
Your own staff said you need some positive press,
所以你需要我
so you need me.
时间不等人 朋友
Tick-o-tockety, friend.
等等 你是在模仿钟吗
Wait, is that supposed to be a clock?
是时间不等你
Tick-o-tockety for you.
你挤挤看
Give that guy a squeeze.
一点都不硬
It's not hard!
收获得太早了
They're ripening too early!
我觉得洛杉矶市
I think that the City of Los Angeles
不用花钱了
will keep its money,
因为如果你不赶紧把这些牛油果卖♥♥掉
'cause if you don't get those avocados on the street,
你就完蛋了
you're toast.
彻底完蛋了
Plain toast.
你这个混♥蛋♥
You son of a bitch!
现在 滚出去
Now, get out of here.
我们没时间陪你玩
We don't have time for you!
你没事吧
You okay?
他扔的时候吓到了我...
I got scared when he threw the--
这样就结束了
Which brings us to the end.
你觉得怎么样
So what do you say?
可以正式和市长说了吗
Take it to the mayor for real?
绝对不行
Absolutely not.
很抱歉 什么
I'm sorry, what?
阿比 如果我们不要繁琐的顺序
Arpi, if we deprivatize the borings process,
我们也许会无法保证
there may be a period of time where we can't guarantee
洛杉矶饮用水的安全
the safety of LA's drinking water?
最多24小时
24 hours max, people can stockpile.
装满浴缸
Fill bathtubs.
你不能乱动人们的用水 阿比
You can't mess with people's water, Arpi.
当我为弗艾尔音乐节扮演沙皇的时候知道的
When I was hydration czar for the Fyre Festival,
水很快会造成混乱
it went sideways fast.
比利·麦克法兰雇了阿德里安娜·利马当依云号♥的船长
Billy McFarland hired Adriana Lima to captain the Evian boat,
她把船开沉了
and she sank it,
船上两万个昏头的蠢蛋慌了
and then 20,000 stoned idiots panicked
开始喝盐水
and started drinking salt water.
你应该去看看那个记录文件 我看上去很瘦
You should just watch the documentary. I look so thin.
那还是发生在大洋中♥央♥的一座鸟粪山上
And that took place on a mountain of guano in the middle of the ocean,
洛杉矶是一片有三百万昏头蠢蛋的沙漠
but LA is a desert with 3 million stoned idiots.
我们可不想成为洛杉矶的比利·麦克法兰
We do not want to be the Billy McFarlands of Los Angeles,
所以绝对不行 阿比
so it's a hard no, Arpi.
当然了 我很失望 但是
Well, obviously, I'm disappointed, but...
你好像很清楚自己在说什么
you seem to know what you're talking about.
当然了
Oh, I do.
要是你乱动水 接下来
You mess up water, next thing you know,
你就发现一个叫普雷斯顿的信托混♥蛋♥
some trust fund douche named Preston
把海龟撕开 想喝它体内的水
is pulling turtles apart to get their liquid.
很难反驳
Hard to argue with that.
很好 谢谢你愿意抽出时间
Very good. Thank you for your time.
今晚需要我哄你睡觉吗
Would you like me to put you to sleep tonight?
我应该没事的
I think I'm gonna be all right.
我觉得...
I'm feeling--
觉得你才是真货 我是个假冒的
Like you're the real deal and not an impostor.
好样的
Good for you.
-我不是实习生 -我知道
- I'm not an intern! - I know.
我给你带了金鱼 来道歉
I was bringing you a goldfish to apologize.
天啊 我很抱歉
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
不
Oh, no.
牛油果噩梦结束
牛油果终于回到了货架上
Avocados are back on the shelves,
洛杉矶人♥民♥的笑脸回来了
and Angelinos are back to being happy.
切外景
On the outside.
我想谢谢布里默市长
I just want to thank Mayor Bremer.
现在我的宝贝都回来了