迈克和茉莉（2010）
Mike & Molly S02E18
Part 2
Dec. 15, 2020, 4:26 p.m.
Technically, you're the one who has to be on the stick.
准确的说 你才是那个需要在他棒棒上动起来的人
I thought we had this talk.
我们之前说过这个了吧
Yes, we did when I was 12.
是啊 我12岁那年谈的嘛
I just got over it about a year ago.
我去年才走出这个阴影
I'm just saying,
我只是说
you can't plan these things.
你不能计划这些事情
I mean, take me for example.
就拿我来说吧
I never wanted children.
我从未想过要孩子
What?
什么
Hell, no!
当然不想要了
Only reason you're even here
你现在能呆在我身边的唯一原因就是
is because of too many tequila shots
过量的龙舌兰酒
and an expired gas station condom.
外加一个加油站过期的安全套
Oh, God.
哦 天呐
Don't want to know, don't need to know.
我不想知道 也不需要知道
Oh, geez.
哦 老天
I was a wreck when I found out.
得知这消息的时候我简直崩溃了
I mean, you know, I'm happy now,
但是 我现在很快乐
you were a blessing, blah, blah, blah...
你就像老天的恩赐 之类的
But, oh boy,
但是 哦 天
those were dark days.
那段日子确实很难熬
Mom, f-feel free
老妈 你还是
to take some of this to your grave.
把这些带进棺材里吧
The real fluke was your sister.
你妹妹才真是个意外
Your daddy and I were watching the Cubs on TV
你♥爸♥和我当时在看小熊队比赛
and there was a rain delay.
期间下雨暂停转播
The ground crew had time to roll out their tarp,
地勤人员来得及铺防水布
but your daddy and I didn't.
但你♥爸♥和我来不及戴套了
I walked this ugly bastard nine blocks
我带着这丑不拉几的家伙遛了9条街
and he wouldn't squeeze one out.
可它屁都没放一个
Nary a turd.
更别说便便了
I, on the other hand, had to duck-walk
反倒是我 不得不憋着屎
to the 7-Eleven and take a crap
跑到7-Eleven便利店解决生理需求
with a dog on my lap.
这破狗还要坐我腿上全程观摩
I'm gonna...
我要去
just go to work.
上班了
Oh, have a good day.
哦 一切顺利啊
You know, in the last couple of years,
你知道吗 近几年来
you girls have really started to grow on me.
你们俩姐妹确实很让我开心
I'd pet you, but...
我也想宠宠你 但是
I'm actually more of a cat person.
我更喜欢猫
I'm not saying I don't ever want to be a dad.
我不是说我永远不想当爸爸
But I'm not just gonna blindly jump into it.
我只是不想稀里糊涂就当了
I'm the kind of guy that likes to think things through.
我是那种深思熟虑的男人
Since when? I once saw you bite into a marshmallow
从什么时候开始 我有一次看到你去咬
that was still on fire.
一块着了火的棉花糖
It was falling off the stick.
还是是它要从棍子上掉下来了的时候
I had to do something.
我总得做点什么吧
The point is, I really like what Molly and I have.
重点是 我很珍惜与Molly在一起的时光
And if we throw a kid into the mix, it'll change everything.
如果孩子搅了进来 一切都会变了
Well, that's true. No more naked leap frog in the living room
这倒是 小Mikey在客厅
when little Mikey's in there watching Road Runner,
津津有味看着"飞奔的马路大侠"的时候
and gnawing on a big wheel of cheese.
你们再也不能在客厅玩成人裸体游戏了
Well, our foreplay
我们的前戏
usually just involves me rubbing her feet
通常是我给她揉揉脚
and turning off the TV, but I know what you're saying.
然后关掉电视就完事了 但我懂你的意思
On the other hand,
从另一方面来说
you and Molly are good people
你和Molly确实是天作之合
and would certainly make fine parents.
也一定会是对很棒的父母
But that doesn't guarantee what kind of kid you're gonna get.
但是这又不能保证能生出你想要的小孩
Take that idiot we arrested this morning.
拿今早我们逮到的那个傻缺说吧
I'm sure his parents are lovely people
我想他爸妈肯定很有爱
who never imagined that one day the little bundle of joy
可他们绝想不到某天自己的小心肝
would try to rob a liquor store using an ear of corn.
会用一根玉米棒抢劫一家卖♥♥酒的小店
His mistake was taking it out of his pocket
他的错误在于把玉米棒从他口袋里掏出来
and trying to fire a warning shot.
还企图鸣枪示警
No, his mistake was waking up this morning saying,
不 他的错误在于今早起床的时候告诉自己
"I'm gonna knock off a liquor store with an ear of corn."
说"我要用一根玉米棒搞定一家酒庄"
A banana I could understand.
用香蕉的话我倒是能理解
That's got a natural pistol grip.
起码香蕉有个天然枪把状的部位能握
But corn?
可玉米棒子
That's just lazy.
只能说他是个懒鬼
Point being...
重点是
somewhere, there are two nice people
有一双有爱的人儿
who had high hopes for that moron.
对那傻缺有很高的期望
It's true. My parents had 14 children
这倒是 我父母生了14个孩子
and a couple have been major disappointments.
其中2个确实让人失望
Ah, don't be so hard on yourself, Samuel.
啊 别太自责了 Samuel
I mean, being a waiter
当服务生也许不怎么样
may not be glamorous or even lucrative,
赚得也不多
but it's a good, honest living.
但至少你过的是快乐的良民生活
I was actually referring to my brothers,
我说的是我的哥哥们
the pimp and the blood diamond smuggler.
一个皮条客 一个血钻走私犯
But thank you for the ego boost.
但还是谢谢你的鼓励
Absolutely.
那当然
Hey, could I get a glass of orange juice?
嗨 能给我一杯橙汁吗
Of course. I shall fetch a special glass of OJ
当然 我要给你来一杯
just for you.
特制橙汁
Fresh squeezed.
鲜榨的哟
I wouldn't drink that if I were you.
我要是你就不喝了
Why not?
为什么
See?
瞧
And your parents probably had high hopes for you, too.
你爹妈没准对你也有很高的期许
He's been doing it all day.
他那样子已经一整天了
First it was funny, then it got sad,
刚开始让人觉得很搞笑 后来变得可怜兮兮的
now it's back to being funny again.
现在又变回搞笑的样子了
You never see a cat carrying on like this.
你永远也见不到这副德行的猫
They're dignified animals.
它们是很高贵的动物
Clean their butts with their tongues.
用舌头清洁屁屁
He still grinding his balloon knot?
他还在磨他的屁♥股♥
Yeah, he's really rubbing it raw.
是啊 都要磨掉一层皮了
I'm a little worried he's gonna start a fire.
我有点担心万一磨出火了怎么办
Probably a roid.
没准是痔疮
My uncle Benny used to get the same way.
我Benny叔叔以前也喜欢这样
But instead of a rug he'd use a long shoe horn.
但是不是用地毯 他直接用长鞋拔来磨
I hope he's okay.
我希望他还好好的
He's fine, he's in Miami Beach.
他好着呢 现在在迈阿密海滩
Got a nurse that rubs ointment on it.
还雇了个护士给他抹药膏
She meant the dog, Vince.
她说的是那条狗 Vince
Him? He's having the time of his life.
他 他的小日子已经够滋润了
He's scratching his ass on a nice rug
在价值不菲的地毯上磨屁♥股♥
with a coupla pretty ladies watching him.
还有俩美女在围观
Aw, "Pretty"? You're sweet.
啊 "美女" 小嘴真甜
Hey, what's going on?
嗨 什么情况这是
Your house guest is christening
你的贵宾正在用屁♥股♥
my new throw rug with his sphincter.
蹭我的新地毯呢
Ah, did he eat something weird?
啊 他有没有吃什么奇怪的东西
He won't eat at all. Plus, he hasn't pooped all day.
他什么都没吃 而且一整天了什么都没拉
That is miserable.
真够悲剧的
When I was taking pain pills for my back,
背痛可以吃止痛药
I couldn't buy a good bowel movement.
但是舒畅的排便是买♥♥不来的
And believe me, after nine days, money is no object.
相信我 便秘9天以上 再多的钱都是浮云
Jim just threw up a little.
Jim刚刚吐了点
Well, somebody was bound to.
这才正常吧
Jim just threw up a lot.
Jim刚刚吐了好多
And he's not eating it.
他不会把那些吃进去了
This is serious. Okay, we gotta go to the vet.
出问题了 好啦 我们带他去看兽医
Come on, come on! Let's move it, people!
快 快 动起来吧 各位
Molly, calm down. I'm sure Jim will be fine.
Molly 淡定 Jim会没事的
Hey, if anything happens to that dog,
如果这狗出什么事了
迈克和茉莉（2010）
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