在下、鄙人和我（2017）

Me, Myself and I S01E07

Part 1 July 29, 2020, 12:02 p.m.

我觉得自己不是第一个这么说的了不过
I highly doubt I'm the first person to say this but...
爱情真是颇为复杂
love is complicated.
当你陷入爱河
When you're in love,
你看待事物会不同于他人
you see things differently than everyone else.
我记得你说过放下诺丽了
I thought you said you were over Nori.
是的我们现在只是朋友
I am. We're just friends.
你看到她还会变成慢镜头呢
You're totally still seeing her in slo-mo.
我能看出来因为你试图
I can tell because you've been trying
打开乔伊·金曼的柜子都五分钟了
to open Joey Zinman's locker for five minutes.
对不起
Sorry.
当爱情逝去
And when love goes away
你要付出很长时间才能释然
it can take you a long time to get over it.
亚历克斯
Hey, Alex.
太好了刮胡刀到了
Good, my razors are here.
你可不许刮掉胡子
Don't you dare shave that beard.
好吧就刮腿毛
Fine, just the legs.
-祝你开心亚历克斯 -你也是苏珊
- Have a good one, Alex. - You too, Susan.
哥们你怎么不约她
Dude, why don't you ask her out?
那女的每次来送快递时
That woman flirts with you
都跟你调情
every time she delivers a package.
她才没和我调情
Oh, she was not flirting with me.
信我她有
Trust me, she is.
你感觉不到
You just can't see it
因为自从离婚后你就自我封闭了
because you've been closed off ever since the divorce.
我们聊过这个话题
We talked about this man.
我只是还没准备好
I'm just not ready yet.
那你最好赶紧准备下
Well, you better get ready for it
因为我要订几个灯泡了
because I'm about to order some light bulbs,
而且没错我要多付钱
and, yes, I'm paying extra
让她隔夜送达
for overnight delivery.
对爱情的追求有时
Sometimes the pursuit of love
会让你的所作所为超出自己想象
makes you do things you never thought you would.
-快啊按下一个 -我没时间弄这个
- Go on, press another one. - I don't have time for this.
我得收拾下屋子为募捐做准备
I have to get my house ready for the fundraiser.
而且这些交♥友♥网♥站蠢透了
Plus, these dating sites are stupid.
这可不是类似陌陌那种
This isn't some old-fashioned,
老套粗俗的交♥友♥网♥站
cheesy dating site like Tinder.
这可是一款相当精细的服务
This is a highly sophisticated service
运用高级算法
that uses advanced algorithms
帮你建立有意义的人脉关系
to help you make a meaningful connection.
快点她封面我们就能判断下了
Now press her face so we can judge her.
-你好我是黛比 -再见黛比
- Hi, I'm Debbie. - Bye, Debbie.
她有什么问题
What was wrong with her?
我不喜欢她说你好的方式
I didn't like the way she said "Hi."
你不给其他任何人机会
You're not giving anyone a chance
因为你还念念不忘埃莉诺
because you're still stuck on Eleanor.
我没有念念不忘埃莉诺
I am not stuck on Eleanor.
我只是喜欢她说你好的样子
I just like the way she says hi.
行吧我再给黛比一次机会
Fine, I'll give Debbie another chance.
我喜欢去镇上狂欢一晚
I love a night out on the town
也喜欢待在家里蜷起身来读本书
or staying in, curling up with a good book.
她爱好也太多了
She's all over the map.
黛比踏实点吧
Debbie, come on, pick a lane.
所以我想归根到底来说
So, I guess the bottom line is...
我讨厌爱情
I hate love.
三代同堂
第一季第七集
职业日
作为一名发明家最棒的一点是
And the best part about being an inventor
当你发现问题你就会去解决它
is that when you see a problem, you get to fix it.
今天我发现的唯一问题是
And the only problem I see today...
在座小伙伴们没有糖果
is that you guys don't have any candy.
女士们先生们这就是
Ladies and gentlemen, introducing
亚历克斯·莱利工业动力糖果投掷机5000
the Riley Industries Candy-Pult 5000,
申请专利中
patent pending.
谢谢莱利先生刚才精彩的演讲
Thank you Mr. Riley for that wonderful presentation,
以及给八岁孩子们撒了把糖之后就甩手不管了
and for giving a bunch of eight year olds sugar, then leaving.
-好棒爸爸 -谢谢宝贝
- Great job, Dad. - Thank you, sweetie.
接下来我们有请雅思曼的父亲
Now we're gonna hear from Jasmine's dad,
听听他讲述他的工作
and he's gonna tell us about his job.
我记得我们说好了不用糖果
I thought we agreed no candy.
我只准备了幻灯片
Now all I got is this damn PowerPoint.
淡定老兄你没问题的
Come on, man, you're gonna be great.
孩子们最喜欢详尽的商业计划了
Kids love detailed business plans.
老兄你那玩意儿还挺有劲的
Hey, man, that thing packs some power.
在这都抓到一颗聪明豆
Caught a Smartie way back here.
嗯它能把彩虹糖抛到50码的距离
Oh, yeah, it can launch a Skittle 50 yards.
能把花生巧克力豆抛到50码的距离
It can launch a peanut M&M 50 yards.
50码似乎就是距离上限了
50 yards seems to be the range.
你是哪位新同学的父亲吗
Hey, you one of the new dads?
-我是亚历克斯 -本
- I'm Alex. - Oh, hey. Ben.
你看着好面熟
Gosh, you look so familiar to me.
我在哪儿见过你吗
Do I know you from somewhere?
我也有同样感觉呢
I was just thinking the same thing.
你在格兰岱尔市的混合健身运动吗
Do you workout at Crossfit Glendale?
你认真的啊没有
Oh, you were serious. No.
没有那不是我
No, that's not me.
这就是为什么我们的季度预测
That's why we always want to be conservative
要趋于保守
with our quarterly projections.
你大爷亚历克斯
Damn it, Alex.
小♥弟♥弟♥
Hey, little bro.
我想到个完美计划帮你和诺丽在一起
I think I have perfect plan to get you and Nori together.
好吧应该不会比你上一个撮合我们计划
Well, it's not going to be worse than your last plan
-更糟糕 -重申一下
- to get us together. - Again...
你应该吃块薄荷糖然后再去吻她
You were supposed to eat a mint then kiss her.
而不是被块薄荷糖哽住然后吐她嘴里
Not choke on a mint and spit it into her mouth
就跟在喂小鸟一样
like you were feeding a baby bird.
如果我跟你说有这么一天
What if I told you there was a day
学校里的规矩都不适用
where the rules of school do not apply?
曾经发生的一切都不再重要
Where everything that happened in the past no longer matters?
当然了我所说的就是外出旅行
I speak, of course, of the field trip.
你们的外出旅行要开始了
You guys got a field trip coming up?
我曾经超爱外出旅行的
I used to love field trips, you know.
不是学校也不像在家
It's not school. It's not home.
是充满无限可能和惊喜的
It's the wild west out there where anything can happen,
-狂野西部 -正是
- and often does. - Exactly.
你认识乔西·哈伯德和克里斯蒂娜·威金斯吗
You know Josh Hubbard and Kristina Wiggins?
就是那对舌头长在一起的情侣吗
Yeah, the couple who are basically joined at the tongue?
去年乔西还是个技术宅
Well, last year Josh was a geek
而克里斯蒂娜是啦啦队员
and Kristina was a cheerleader.
她根本注意不到他
He was nowhere on her radar.
后来去殖民地农业博物馆参观之后
Then one visit to the Colonial Farming Museum later,
他们就开始如胶似漆了
they're practically married.
经典的外出旅行爱情故事
Classic field trip love story.
明白了吗
See?
-我加入 -好
- Okay, I'm in. - Yes!
我七年级的时候
Yeah, when I was in the seventh grade,
我们学校去参观美国遗产博物馆
my school went to the American Heritage Museum.
结果我在一只野牛填充玩具旁边
I ended up making out with Lori Shooter
和洛莉·舒特亲上了
next to a stuffed bison.
她是校花吗
Was she the cutest girl in school?
不是
She was not.
我被套路了
I was field tripped.
今天的募捐活动上有很多有魅力
There are a lot of attractive, charitable women
又慷慨的女性
at this fundraiser.
也许有人足够慷慨愿意和你约会
Maybe even charitable enough to go out with you.
星钻鸡尾酒谢谢
Vodka cranberry, please.
星钻鸡尾酒
Vodka cranberry,
全世界联谊会女孩的经典选择
the drink of sorority girls the world over.
凯莉·弗雷泽
Kelly Frasier.
没想到会在我家见到你
Surprised to see you in my house.
门外没看到你的扫帚啊