在下、鄙人和我（2017）

Me, Myself and I S01E03

Part 2 July 29, 2020, 12:02 p.m.

I may be retired, but I still have a very busy calendar.
日历你今天没有任何日程安排
Calendar? You have no events scheduled today.
谢谢关机
Thank you. Power down!
太酷了能给我拿一会吗
That is so cool. Can I hold it?
这是珍藏版了很宝贵的
It's a collectable. I mean, it's kind of delicate.
不是针对你达瑞尔只是...
Nothing personal, Darryl. It's just...you know...
这是迈克尔·乔丹的新秀签名卡吗
Is that a Michael Jordan rookie card?
对啊给拿着
Yeah! Here, hold it!
全新的还签了名
It's in mint condition, and it's signed?
她还懂篮球卡
She knows about basketball cards?
要是她还能说《疯狂高尔夫》的台词
If she can also quote "Caddyshack,"
那我们可能遇上《摩登保姆》里的情节了
we may be dealing with a "Weird Science" situation here.
我爸爸是个大收藏家
My dad's a big collector,
但他没有这么酷的东西
but he doesn't have anything this cool.
要是他看到这个会发疯的
He would lose his mind if he saw this.
他最好的是多米尼克·威尔金斯的新秀签名卡
I mean the best card he has is a Dominique Wilkins rookie...
-你拿着吧 -什么
- You can have it! - What?
你要把迈克尔·乔丹的签名卡给我爸吗
You're giving me your signed Michael Jordan card for my dad?
没错
Yeah.
我都不知道该说什么好了
I-I don't even know what to say.
谢谢你亚历克斯
Thank you, Alex.
我刚刚干嘛了
What did I just do?
太操蛋了
That was a disaster.
这个议案太操蛋了我不签
This bill is a disaster. I'm not signing this.
对吧小弟 2042年了
Am I right, little bro? It's 2042.
人们想和机器人做♥爱♥ 我还怕什么
Man wants to make love to his robot, what do I care?
我还是没法相信你成了州长
You know, I still can't believe you're the governor.
我也是你今天干嘛呢
Me neither! So what are you doing today?
我本该和艾比聚聚的
Well, I was supposed to get together with Abby,
但她很忙你又在萨克拉门托
but she got busy. You're in Sacramento,
这个生日真不算好
so yeah. Not the best of birthdays.
天啊今天是你生日
Oh, my god. It's your birthday?
这下更糟心了
And it just got worse.
我很抱歉
I feel terrible.
我知道你快生日了
I mean, I knew it was coming up,
但一直有很多事情要忙
but there's so much going on up here.
要不我以你的名字命名个什么东西吧
Maybe I can name something after you?
桥啊高速公路什么的
A bridge, or a highway, or something?
啥他们说我不能这么做
What's that? Oh, I'm being told I can't do that.
没事我就好好享受一个人的一天
You know what? This is good. I'll just--I'll spend a me day.
这就对了嘛只要不仔细想
That's the spirit! It's not sad
就不会觉得悲哀
unless you really think about it.
生日快乐小弟
Happy birthday, little bro!
-湖人加油 -公牛加油
- Go Lakers! - Go Bulls!
等一下不会吧
Whoa, wait. This can't be right!
"豪华帐篷租赁"要800块钱
$800 for "Luxury tent rental"?
"白手套篝火场景"要300块钱
$300 for "White glove campfire set-up"?
魅力野营魅力十足的野营你以为呢
Dude, it's glamping. Glamorous camping. What did you think?
我以为他们不会拼野营这个词
I thought they didn't know how to pronounce camping!
我付不起这么多钱我住在车♥库♥里啊
I mean I can't afford this. I'm living in a garage here.
我知道所以我的桌上足球
Yeah, I know. It's why my foosball table
不能放在这儿只能摆在后院
is in the backyard, instead of in here,
无法成为我男人巢穴的中♥央♥装饰品
as the centerpiece of my man cave.
现在被可恶的松鼠霸占了
Damn squirrel living in it.
温蒂不让你把它搬进屋里吗
Wendy won't let you bring it in the house?
我不需要请求她的允许这是我家
I don't have to ask her. This is my house.
它只是不符合我们的审美而已
It just doesn't exactly match the aesthetic we got going on.
你们的审美是
The aesthetic being?
温蒂允许放在家里的东西
Things Wendy will allow in the house.
我该怎么办
What am I gonna do?
这次旅行要花三千多块钱
This whole trip is gonna cost me like three grand.
那就别去
Then don't go, man.
可是她那么开心而且我已经承诺了
But she's so excited, you know? And I promised her.
她才七岁给她找点闪亮亮的东西
She's seven--wave something shiny in front of her.
可是她这一年过得很不容易
It's just this has been such a rough year for her, you know?
我只想让她享受这一次
I just want to be able to give her this one thing.
她爸爸对她承诺的唯一一件事
You know the one thing her dad promised her,
我都做不到
and I couldn't even do that.
温蒂不会让我给你钱的
Wendy won't let me give you any money.
-我又没问 -丑话说在前头
- I wasn't asking! - Just getting it out there.
不过你给我就要
I would take it if you offered, though.
我怎么想的为什么要把卡给诺丽
What was I thinking? Why would I give that card to Nori?
作为美女有时候就是会收到男孩送的东西
Sometimes when you're a pretty girl, boys just give you things.
相信我我有经验
Trust me. I've been there.
这是我做过的最糟糕
That was the worst thing I ever--
等等你是在帮我还是夸你自己
Wait. Are you trying to help me or compliment yourself?
富有同情心和魅力四射不矛盾啊
A person can be sympathetic and attractive at the same time!
那是我收到过的最酷的礼物现在没了
That was the coolest gift I've ever gotten, and now it's gone.
更别说如果罗恩发现你把它送人了
Not to mention when Ron finds out you gave it away,
他会伤透心的
he'll be crushed.
也许你应该直接告诉诺丽你搞错了
Maybe you should just tell Nori you made a mistake,
请她把卡还给你
and ask for the card back.
-我不想让她不高兴 -她会理解的
- I don't want to get her upset! - She'll understand!
她已经习惯身边的男生犯傻了
She's used to boys losing their heads around her.
我们了解自己的实力
We know our power.
好吧我找她谈谈
Okay, I'll talk to Nori.
我为你而骄傲亲爱的这是成熟的做法
I'm proud of you, honey. You're doing the mature thing.
还有一种不太成熟的方法
Or there's a less mature way to go.
更好的办法不会被爸爸发现
A better way, where Dad never finds out,
也不会让诺丽伤心
and Nori never gets upset.
接着说
I'm listening.
我们再找一张卡我来伪造MJ的签名
We find another card and I forge MJ's signature.
我六岁就开始给自己的成绩单签字了
I've been signing my own report cards since I was six.
然后我们溜进诺丽家
Then we sneak our way into Nori's house,
把卡换回来神不知鬼不觉
switch out the cards, and leave with her none the wiser.
-我不太确定 -孩子们
- I don't know. - Hey, boys!
你们在这儿呀我给那张卡买♥♥了一个展示盒
Oh, there you are. Hey, I bought a display case for the card.
你想把它装进去看看效果吗
You want to put her in and see how she looks?
明天吧
Um...maybe tomorrow. You know?
这儿有点暗我希望第一次看到的时候
It's a little dark in here and the first time I see it,
它沐浴在自然光下
I just want it to be bathed in natural light.
没问题那就明天
Okey-doke. Tomorrow it is.
-我同意 -这才对嘛
- I'm in. - Yes, this is the right move.
相信我绝对不会出问题的
Trust me. Nothing could possibly go wrong.
没必要加后面那句吧
Not sure it was necessary to add that last part.
好像有点挑战命运的感觉
Seems like it's sort of tempting fate.
我才不在乎什么命运来吧命运
What do I care about fate? Bring it on, fate!
-让我看看你有什么能耐 -快闭嘴吧
- Give me all you got. - Let's just stop talking.
你有把握吗
Are you sure about this?
我在路上很有把握
I was on the way here,
但是现在要实施了
but now that we're actually going through with it,
我又觉得很蠢可能不会成功
I think it's really dumb, and probably won't work out.
你说啥
Wait, what?
你们好啊有什么事吗
Oh, hey, guys. What's going on?
没什么我们我们只是想
Uh...nothing. We just-- we just thought we'd--
我们只是想顺便过来打个招呼
we just thought we'd stop by and say hello,
因为我们路过这个街区
since we were in the neighborhood.
可是你们家和这里只隔了四栋房♥子
But you live, like, four doors down.
你们不是一直都在这个街区吗
Aren't you always in the neighborhood?
被识破了我说实话吧
Okay, busted. I'll tell you the truth.
我们来是因为亚历克斯特别想上厕所
We're here because Alex has to use the bathroom really bad.
-好吧可是你家就在 -真的特别急
- Right. But again, your house is-- - Like really bad.
那就进来吧
Okay, fine. Come in.
-厕所 -对啊我真是个天才
- Bathroom? - I know. I'm a genius, right?
我不知道该怎么办
I don't know what to do, you know?
怎么能告诉你的孩子
How do you tell your kid
他们得不到自己心爱的东西
that they can't have something that they want?
得了吧你之前还不是给艾比带去过坏消息
Oh, come on. You've broken bad news to Abby before, right?
没有虽然没什么好骄傲的
Wrong. I mean, I'm not proud of it,
但以前坏消息都是莎拉承包的
but Sarah used to handle breaking all the bad news.
所有的吗真的吗