在下、鄙人和我（2017）

Me, Myself and I S01E01

Part 2 July 29, 2020, 12:01 p.m.

但你心态得端正
You just gotta get your mind right.
试试我的办法
Try what I do.
每晚临睡前构想未来的蓝图
Every night before bed, I visualize my future.
雅思曼长大了我和温蒂就能搬到
Jasmine will be grown, so Wendy and I will move
一个与世隔绝的岛上每天只要担心
to a secluded island where our only worry
我们的菠萝鸡尾酒里没飘进来加勒比的沙子
is keeping the Caribbean sand out of our piña coladas.
画面太生动了
That is some vivid imagery, man.
讲的时候眼睛闭地真紧
Keep explaining that with your eyes firmly closed.
我吃了好多薯条
I got a lot of fries.
亚历克斯严肃点
Alex, seriously.
你25年后的生活会是什么样子
What's your life gonna look like 25 years from now?
莱利抢到球了
Riley takes the ball away!
好样的公牛赢了
Good! Bulls win!
你回来第一天我爸赶不过来
Dad wasn't able to make it for your first day back,
他寄了这个过来
but he sent this instead.
什么
What?
加勒比的沙子
Caribbean sand.
但愿他菠萝鸡尾酒喝的开心
Well, I hope he's enjoying his piña colada.
他电♥话♥里听上去醉醺醺的
When he called, he did sound wasted.
是啊说到这个
Yeah. Oh, speaking of.
帮个忙雅思曼今天找个时间
Do me a favor, Jasmine-- at some point today,
把大家伙叫齐
would you gather the staff?
我有个...
I have a... a...
重要的决定要宣布
sort of a big announcement to make.
把大家伙叫齐好主意
Gather the staff. What a good idea.
我怎么就想不到这样做呢
Why didn't I think of doing something like that?
惊喜
Surprise!
欢迎回来亚历克斯
动作真快
You're very quick.
艾比你在这干嘛
Abby. What are you doing here?
公牛今晚有比赛
The Bulls have a game tonight.
爸爸你看上去状态真好
Dad, you look great.
去萨克拉门托之前刚到这一个小时
I just flew in for an hour before I head up to Sacramento.
可以吗我可不希望你麻烦
Is that okay? I don't want you getting in trouble.
我是总经理我想干嘛就干嘛
I'm the GM. I can do whatever I want.
除了让你当总教练
Except make you head coach.
好吧继续死板地进攻看我会不会介意
Fine. Keep running a stagnant offense. See if I care.
好了亚历克斯你的重大决定是什么
Okay, Alex, what's your big announcement?
我要退休了
So... I'm retiring.
即刻生效
Effective immediately.
惊喜吧
Surprise.
你在写什么
So, what are you working on?
创建你的个人形象的点子
Ideas for your identity-creating moment.
只要能让人难忘什么都行
It can be anything so long as it's big and memorable.
你能接受公共场合裸体吗
How comfortable are you with public nudity?
我知道你想要我受欢迎
I understand how you want me to be popular.
我理解
You know, I get it,
但我对"有一大堆朋友"
but I've never really been into the whole
从来都不感兴趣
"Having a ton of friends" thing.
谁不想要一大堆朋友呢
Who doesn't want to have a ton of friends?
我啊正如我上一句话表达的
Me? As explicitly expressed in my last sentence?
贾斯汀真的很感谢...
Okay, look, Justin, I really appreciate all the...
刚刚一切都慢镜头了是吗
Did everything just go slo-mo for a second there?
诺丽·斯特林
Nori Sterling.
男生第一次见到她都这反映
Yeah, she has that effect on guys at first.
你慢慢会习惯的
But you'll get over it.
我每天都能在公交车站看到她吗
And I'm gonna see her every day at this bus stop?
能看到但仅此而已
You'll see her, but that's as far as it'll go.
她只跟高中生约会
She only dates high school guys.
-她不会跟... -贾斯汀
- She's never gonna actually speak-- - Hey, Justin.
你是贾斯汀的继弟吧
You must be Justin's step-brother.
我爸妈说来了个新男孩
My parents told me there's a new kid in the neighborhood.
没错全新的
Yup. Completely new.
昨天刚搬来
Just moved in yesterday.
不能再新了
Could not be any newer.
我还是闭嘴吧
I'm gonna stop talking now.
欢迎来到公交车站
Well, welcome to the bus stop.
我来帮你捡
Here, let me get that for you.
延长抓取器5000
The Extendo-Grab 5000.
专利申请中
Patent pending.
他是个书呆子发明家
And he's Inventor Nerd.
给你
There you go.
谢谢
Thanks.
我是诺丽
I'm Nori.
我是亚历克斯
I'm Alex.
每次听到这首歌♥ 就会让我想起一个姑娘
Whenever I hear this song, it makes me think of a girl.
-妈妈 -不是
- Mommy? - No.
不妈妈的歌♥是《变♥态♥杀手》
No, Mommy's song is "Psycho Killer."
爸爸我可以问你一件重要的事吗
Daddy, can I ask you something important?
当然了艾比什么事都可以和我说
Of course, Abby, you can talk to me about anything.
除非是女性的东西
I mean, unless it's ladies stuff,
我还没准备好应付那个
'cause... I am not ready for that yet.
你百分之百确定
Are you 100% positive
迈克尔·乔丹是有史以来最好的球员吗
that Michael Jordan was the best player ever?
那当然
Absolutely.
根本不用问啊
I mean, why do you even have to ask?
因为我们学校的同学说科比更厉害
'Cause kids at school were saying Kobe's better.
所以和我一起说
Okay, and that is why-- say it with me--
湖人球迷都是蠢货
Lakers fans are stupid.
为什么房♥子前面立着"出♥售♥"标牌
Wait, why is there a "For sale" sign in front of the house?
艾比亲爱的你进屋去玩好不好
Abby, honey, why don't you go play inside, okay?
我不想进去
I don't want to.
你妈是想说
Okay, what your mother's trying to say
妈妈和爸爸要互相对骂了
is that Mommy and I are gonna yell at each other.
我进屋了
I'll be inside.
可以解释一下吗
Care to explain?
你记得我交往的那个主厨吗
Well, you know the chef I've been dating?
在梅尔罗斯开馆子的那个人
The guy with the place on Melrose?
记得他怎么了
Yeah, what about him?
他对我求婚了
He asked me to marry him.
你怎么说的
What did you say?
他要在旧金山开一家分店
He's opening a second location in San Francisco,
所以我们一周以后就要搬家了
so we're moving in a week.
说真的莎拉我不敢相信你愿意
Honestly, Sarah, I can't believe you're willing
随随便便为了一个主厨就把艾比丢下不管
to leave Abby behind for some random chef.
我不会把艾比丢下的
I'm not leaving Abby behind.
她要和我一起去旧金山
She's coming to San Francisco with me.
我才不会让你
Look, you're crazy if you think I'm gonna let you
把艾比带到400英里以外的地方
take Abby 400 miles away from here.
我也不想让她转学
Okay, I don't want to be pulling her out of school
离开她的朋友们
and away from her friends either,
可是还有什么办法呢
but what's the alternative?
你住在车♥库♥里
I mean, you live in a garage.
是双车位车♥库♥
It's a two-car garage!
你连自己都照顾不好
How can you expect to take care of her full-time
怎么能指望全天照顾她呢
and you can't even take care of yourself?
我这
Well, I... it's...
我只需要一笔买♥♥卖♥♥
Look, I just need one sale
一切就会好起来的
and everything will turn around, okay?
就就像是
It's... it's like--
别告诉我你又要用篮球比喻了
Please don't tell me you're gonna use a basketball metaphor.
就像篮球比赛
It's like in basketball, okay?
如果一个球员在外线总是无法得分
If a player isn't hitting from the outside,
教练就会布置战术给他上篮的机会
the coach will draw him up a play to get him a layup,
一旦他看到球进了篮筐
and once he sees the ball go through the hoop,
就能重新获得自信
he gets his confidence back,
然后就又能投进了
and then his shots start falling again.
上篮是什么来着
Which one is a layup?
你看就是因为这个我们才会离婚
Okay, see, this is why we didn't work.
以及你对我们
I mean, that, and your complete disregard
神圣结婚誓言的不尊重