欢乐再满屋（2016）

今天 我要照顾我的小♥弟♥弟♥ 汤米
Today, I'm babysitting my little buddy Tommy.
汤米 和网络打个招呼
Say hi to the Internet, Tommy.
大家好
Hi!
所以 如果你想要照顾小孩的话
So, if you're thinking about babysitting...
首先 你要有一个小孩
first, you'll need a baby.
第二 孩子家长要有钱
Second, parents with money.
第三
And third...
我想这两点就是所有的要求了
Well, I guess that's all you really need.
我的搭档主持遇到了技术上的问题
My cohost is experiencing technical difficulties.
在他的裤子里
In his pants.
解决问题只需要一秒钟的时间
This will just take one second.
好的
Here.
没事 没事
It's okay, it's okay.
换尿布第一诀窍 不要用鼻子呼吸
First tip of diaper changing, never breathe through your nose.
第二诀窍 不要直视你正在做的事
Second tip, do not look directly at what you're doing.
顺便说一下 此时此刻
By the way, this is a great time
用上你祖母在圣诞节送给的詹妮弗洛佩兹香水 效果拔群
to use up that bottle of J-Lo perfume your grandma got you for Christmas.
可能我们不应该冲掉尿布
Maybe we shouldn't have flushed that.
我们什么都没有做 你们也什么都没有看到
We were never here and you never saw this.
麦克斯 我有个神奇的问题要问你
Hey, Max, here's a crazy question.
为什么科斯莫穿着你的短裤
Why is Cosmo wearing your underpants?
杰克森让我这么做的
Jackson told me to.
好吧 那 继续吧
Well, then... carry on.
泰勒 恭喜通过了预检
Tyler, congratulations on passing the pre-screening.
你现在有一个约会前会面 检验一下你和迪杰的合适程度
You have now advanced to a pre-date meeting to see if you and D.J. click.
我很紧张
I'm so nervous.
我从没见过神经外科医生兼任维密天使的女人
I've never met a neurosurgeon slash Victoria's Secret Angel.
我肯定她也会很紧张的
I'm sure she's gonna be just as nervous
有幸见到海豹突击队员兼任最畅销小说家的男人
meeting a Navy SEAL slash bestselling romance novelist.
我们可能还是不要谈论工作比较好
Yeah, we probably shouldn't talk about work.
在我介绍你们认识之前 我注意到你说你重200磅
Before I introduce you two, I noticed on your profile, you said you weighed 200.
感觉好像差不多207磅
Seems a little closer to 207.
你是怎么知道的
How did you know that?
我过去经常在嘉年华帮人猜体重
I used to guess people's weight at the carnival.
那肯定是个很有意思的工作
That must have been an interesting job.
我没在那儿工作 我只是在挑帅哥
I didn't work there. I just like picking up guys.
我要去找迪杰了
Okay, I'm gonna go find D.J.
我的马桶还堵着 你所承诺的水管工两小时前就该到了
My toilet is still clogged and you said the plumber would be here two hours ago.
告诉我实话 他还来不来
Just tell me the truth. Is he coming?
还是会像那个有线电视男一样
Or is this like the cable TV guy
我从十点等到四点 然后他半夜才来
where I wait from ten to four and then he shows up at midnight?
算了 他来了
Never mind. He's here.
太感谢了 你终于来了
Thank goodness you made it.
吉米让我进来的 我是泰勒 你是迪杰吧
Kimmy let me in. I'm Tyler. You're D.J., right?
所以你准备好开始了吗
Yeah. So are you ready to get started?
开始 应该可以吧
Get started? I guess so.
太好了 我们上楼吧
Great. Let's get upstairs.
上楼 你不想先聊聊吗
Upstairs? You don't wanna talk a little first?
我不需要聊天 我只需要一个男人来通通我的水管
I don't need conversation. I just need a man to get to work on my pipes.
你还真是直奔主题啊 - 嗯 我也希望我能自己解决
You don't waste any time. - Well, I wish I could do it myself.
不幸的是 我需要个人帮我一把
Unfortunately, I need help.
喔欧 这事真是进展神速啊
Wow! This is going really well.
我一会要去参加我儿子的独奏会 多久才能弄完
I need to get to my son's recital, so how long is this gonna take?
进进出出的 15分钟估计就搞定了
I can be in and out in 15 minutes.
喔 喔 喔奥
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
你为什么脱掉你的衬衫
Why are you taking your shirt off?
你带我到浴室 我猜你想先来一个鸳鸯戏水
You brought me into the bathroom. I figured you wanted to start in the shower.
不 我想让你直接在厕所开工
No, I wanna get started on the toilet.
好吧 你的地盘你做主
Okay, your house, your rules.
你到底是不是水管工
What kind of plumber are you?
厄...
Oh...
我懂得
I get it.
我是个调皮的水管工...
I'm a naughty plumber...
你是个寂寞的神经外科医生
and you are the lonely neurosurgeon, huh?
迪杰 水管工来了
D.J., the plumber's here.
他不是已经在这了 - 我才是水管工
He's here. - I'm the plumber.
你不是水管工吗 - 我是个淘气的水管工
You're not a plumber? - I'm a naughty plumber.
他是泰勒 我帮你在约会网站上找的约会对象
That's Tyler. I found him for you on a dating site.
他是美军海豹部队的 而且你在超♥市♥买♥♥的小言书都是他写的
He's a Navy SEAL and he writes those romance books you buy at the supermarket.
好吧 不管是谁 快点把我的马桶修好
Okay, somebody, just fix my toilet!
当我说马桶的时候 我指的是这个马桶
And when I say "toilet," I mean the toilet.
如果你们喜欢水管工 可以到水管工约炮网站上找我哦
If you girls are into plumbers, check me out on plumbersmingle.com.
所以你多重 250磅？
So what are you, about 250?
你开始越来越困
You're getting sleepy.
回到你最初的记忆
Go back to your earliest memory.
对你来说 那段记忆可能就是我刚才所说的那句话
For you, that might be when I said, "Go back to your earliest memory."
你为什么催眠汤米
Why are you hypnotizing Tommy?
想让他睡着 其他法子都不管用
To get him to nap. Nothing is working.
催眠是伪科学的
Hypnosis isn't real.
还记得那次聚会上的魔术师试图催眠我 但一点儿用都没有嘛
Remember that magician at the party who tried to hypnotize me? It totally didn't work.
船屋
Houseboat.
货箱 - 别再尝试了
Boxcar. - Forget hypnotizing Tommy.
那是浪费时间
It's a waste of time.
刚才在VIP洗手间里发生的太不可思议了
It is going off in the VIP bathroom.
我刚才帮伊基·艾泽拉找到了她的隐形眼镜
I just helped Iggy Azalea find her contact lens.
她非常感激 送给我一缕她的结发
She was so grateful, she gave me a hair extension.
是不是非常庆幸我救了你 - 必须的
Aren't you glad I rescued you? - Yes!
瞧这个 我的派对时光又重新开始了
Ah! And look at this, my party timing's back!
重大消息 DJ铁人 跑去玩人群冲浪然后掉下来了
Okay, so great news. DJ Unbreakable went crowdsurfing and got dropped.
胳膊摔断了
He fractured his arm.
DJ铁人 骨折了
DJ Unbreakable... broke?
是啊 主舞台现在需要你
Yes, and now they need you on the main stage right now.
你不是在开玩笑吧 - 绝对没有
Are you kidding? - I'm not kidding!
她没开玩笑
She's not kidding.
噢 天哪 这真是太让我激动了
Oh, my God! This is amazing!
啊 噢 噢 很抱歉你摔断了胳膊
Ah! Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry!
来吧 吃个螃蟹腿
Here, have a crab leg. There.
下个出场就是你了 小伙子 杰克逊和我会给你加油的
You're up next, buddy. Jackson and I will be cheering you on.
不 不需要了 我不去出场表演了 妈妈
No, you won't. I'm not going out there, Mom.
我需要我的超级魔法围巾 但是斯蒂芬妮阿姨把它拿走了
I need my super-magic scarf, but Aunt Stephanie took it.
她拿走了你的超级魔法围巾
She took your super-magic scarf?
那个内♥裤♥的小把戏管用吗 - 不管用
What happened to the underwear trick? - It didn't work.
我的小狗很可爱 但下面全都是布满皱纹的老头老太太
My puppy was cute, but that crowd is full of wrinkly old people.
你是对的 下面全是爷爷奶奶
You're right. That's a lot of granny panties.
小迪 啥事啊 我现在正忙 一切都还好吗
Deej, what's going on? I'm kinda busy. Is everything okay?
不太顺利 你拿走了麦克斯的超级魔法围巾
No, it's not. You took Max's super-magic scarf.
什么魔性围巾
What magic scarf?
就你现在戴的那条
The one you're wearing?
啊 我真笨 让麦克斯接电♥话♥
Ugh! I'm an idiot! Put him on.
我是麦克斯 还记得我吗
It's Max. Remember me?
啊 麦克斯 对不起
Oh, Max, I'm so sorry.
不过幸运的是
But lucky for you,
我可以把超级魔法围巾的魔法通过电♥话♥传给你
I can transfer the magical powers of the super-magic scarf through this phone.
好的 触摸屏幕然后说我相信 准备好了么
Okay, just touch the screen and say, "I believe." Ready?
你认为我三岁小孩吗
What do you think, I'm in preschool?
所有人都知道你不能通过WiFi传输魔法
Everybody knows you can't transfer magic over WiFi.
好吧 麦克斯 实际上你不需要围巾
Okay, Max, the truth is you don't need the scarf.
吹那首曲子我会证明给你看的
Play that song now and I'll prove it.
我会尽力尝试 但你应该知道 我保持怀疑态度
I'll try, but just so you know, I'm very skeptical.
大家玩的嗨吗 朋友们
Okay, what's up, party people?
我这里有一位来自哈维奶厂小学的特殊客人来演奏
I've got a special guest coming live from Harvey Milk Elementary,
尊贵的麦克斯·福勒先生！
Mr. Mighty Max Fuller!
老麦以前有个农场
Old MacDonald had a farm
农场上还有个鸭子
And on this farm he had a duck
这儿有...哪儿有...
With a... here and a... there
这儿有...那儿有...到处都有...
Here a... there a... everywhere a...
老麦以前有个农场
Old MacDonald had a farm
拜托 你们这些人寻欢寻的头脑迟钝了吗 这是个小孩子
Oh, come on, you jaded ravers! He's a little kid!
DJ坦纳 听到没 你超厉害的
DJ Tanner, yeah, you rock!
来吧 所有人来给麦克斯欢呼
Come on, everybody give it up for Max!