呆逼还愿人（2014）

Way to go, house.
就该这么做 房♥子
You have successfully freaked out my friend.
你们已经成功的吓尿我的朋友了
Really, really, really amazing. Great job.
真真真是太开眼界了 做的不错
Can't freak me out, though. No. I'm a professional.
不过还是吓不到我 不能 我是职业选手
I'm a professional at this.
我是专业做这个的
Wanna come out and have a little one-on-one chat with me?
想不想出来和我一对一的聊聊?
That'd be easy, huh?
那样就容易多了 哈?
But no, no. You wanna resort to these ice cream parlor tricks.
但是不 不 你想要借助这种冰欺凌店里逗小孩的把戏
Look at this. Oldest one in the book.
看看 这种伎俩真真是老掉牙了
Shutters on the windows are locked. Come on, piece of cake.
窗户上的百叶门帘都关紧了 快啊 小意思
Piece of cake.
小意思
That is really hooked on there tight, huh?
你这勾得够紧的啊 哈?
Piece of cake!
小意思!
Oh, my God. Did that actually just happen?
哦 天啊 刚才那一幕真的发生了吗?
Oh, God. I think my ass is broken.
哦天啊 我觉得我屁♥股♥摔破了
Oh, it was worth it.
哦 值了
It feels good to laugh. I needed that.
笑的感觉真好 我需要笑笑
This floor is hard as a rock. Yeah, no kidding.
这地板硬的像石头 恩 不是开玩笑的
My stupid wife, Julep, didn't want carpeting.
我那蠢老婆 不想铺地毯
"Hardwood is classier."
“硬木才更经典”
Ohh. Was it too much to ask for a rug?
哦 放块地毯要求很过分吗?
That's what I said. I keep telling her.
我当时就是这么说的 我一直都这么和她说
If we're gonna work on the house, it's gotta be practical.
如果我们要装♥修♥房♥子 还是以实用性为主
Not this froufrou design crap.
不要这种浮夸的垃圾设计
Yeah. There is a lot of froufrou around here.
恩 这里确实都是很浮夸的装潢
I'm definitely gonna talk to Roofie about that rug thing,
我绝对要跟撸夫说说这个地毯的事
because you could break your neck on a floor like this.
因为很有可能就像这样在地板上摔断脖子
You know, I actually did break my neck on this floor.
你知道吗 我真的就是在这地板上摔断脖子的
Seriously?
你讲真的?
I had this huge fight with my wife.
我当时和我老婆吵得很厉害
I got so upset, I slipped, I fell down the stairs.
我很生气 我滑倒了 我从楼梯上滑下来
Oh, both ways.
哦 两边都摔断了
I didn't even get to finish the fight.
我连这架都没吵完
Oh, that is classic unfinished business you got there.
哦 你这种是典型的未完成心愿式
Ohh. What was the fight about? Anything juicy?
哦 你们当时吵什么呢? 有什么大料爆?
Honestly? What color to paint the kitchen.
实话说? 为了应该给厨房♥漆什么颜色吵
Say, what if I were to help you win that fight
这样 如果我能帮你吵赢呢?
by painting the kitchen whatever color you wanted?
我可以用你想用的颜色漆厨房♥
Far out. It is far out.
很激进 确实很激进
All right.
好
No. No, you...
不 不 你....
I don't really get it, either.
其实我自己也搞不懂这些东西
Oh! Oh, geez!
哦! 哦天啊!
What are you doing? Yo, I couldn't find a way out.
你在干啥? 哟 我找不到出去的路
But I found a screwdriver.
但是我找到一把螺丝刀
Maybe I can, like, get the door unhinged. What about you?
也许我能 额 把门拆下来 你呢?
Well, speaking of unhinged,
好吧 说到精神错乱(拆)
I met the ghost. His name is Jack.
我遇到了只鬼 他叫杰克
He wants me to paint his kitchen this color of cream.
他想让我把厨房♥漆成奶油色
That sounds nice. Is he reasonable?
那不错啊 他很通情达理吗?
No, if I'm being totally honest. He's a bit of a loose canyon.
不 如果要我实话实说 他那脾气真是一触即塌
You mean, cannon. Like Nick, right?
你是说一触即发吧 周润发的发 是吧?
No. Like the grand.
不是的 坍塌的塌
Wait, that doesn't make any sense.
等下 这根本说不通
Loose canyon. Any moment the rocks could just give way...
一触即塌 就是有可能石头坍塌啊...
rocks? Like a Cannon.
石头? 就即发了
Just, look, forget the cannon.
好吧 听着 忘了即发的事
You work on the kitchen,
你去搞厨房♥
I'll go figure out how to get this door unhinged.
我去想想办法把门卸下来
Deal. Excuse me.
好的来 不好意思
If you're gonna paint the kitchen any color,
如果你想要给厨房♥刷新漆
it should be fuschia.
应该刷梅红色
Fuschia? Oh, you're the wife. Julep.
梅红色? 哦 你是那个老婆 朱丽浦
You're the one who got Jack so upset
就是你让杰克不开心
he fell down the stairs, right?
他才滑下楼梯的 对吧?
Is that what Jack told you? He fell down because of me?
他是这么和你说的? 他滑倒在楼梯上是因为我?
Did he mention he only fell down the stairs
他提没提到他朝我胸口捅了47刀以后
after he stabbed me in the chest 47 times?
才滑下楼梯的?
What? No. He most certainly did not mention that.
啥? 不会吧 他绝对没提起
Also, 47 times? That seems really, like, unnecessary.
另外 47次? 貌似没这个必要吧
The first few didn't take.
捅了前几次我还没翘辫子呢
Well, Julep, if I may be so bold,
那个 朱丽浦 恕我直言
you don't look a stab wound over 20.
你看着就不像一个捅20下就倒的人
Thank you. You're welcome.
谢谢 不客气
Wanna sniff?
来一起吸两口?
What are you doing?
你在干嘛?
I'm, uh, painting the kitchen fuschia.
我打算要把厨房♥涂成梅红色
But that's Julep's choice.
但那是朱丽浦选的颜色啊
Yeah, well, I met her, okay?
是啊 这个 我碰到她了 好吧?
And she told me
然后她说
that you, like, stabbed her in the chest 47 times.
说你 差不多 捅了她胸口47下
Is that what she told you? I stabbed her?
这就是她告诉你的吗? 我捅了她?
She did. Did she mention
是的 她有没有提到
that I only stabbed her after she tried to poison me?
是因为她想要毒死我 我才捅的她呢?
No. What? Yup.
没 神马? 没错
The kitchen paint dispute had reached a climax.
这厨房♥宫斗真是高♥潮♥一波接着一波啊
She was so desperate to get rid of me
她很迫切的想干掉我
that she poisoned my afterwork seltzer.
就在我工作后要喝的苏打水里下了毒
My God. How did you know that it was poisoned?
我的天 你怎么知道那水有毒?
It's just a feeling I had, I mean, in my gut.
哥的第六感很强好嘛
Also, the seltzer was pretty brown.
而且 那苏打水的颜色都成棕色了
Okay, I got it. So you snapped, you felt betrayed,
好了 我懂了 你已经崩溃了 觉得被欺骗了感情
you grabbed a knife and... A screwdriver.
你就拿了刀就... 是螺丝刀
I was just trying to open a paint can.
我当时正准备撬开油漆桶呢
Wow, you guys are a couple of whack jobs.
天 你们俩还真是有一手啊
Okay, I'm gonna go and paint that kitchen fuschia.
好了 我要去把厨房♥涂成梅红色了
No way. Yes. Let me do it. It's temporary,
不行 行 让我想先涂成这个颜色
so your wife will be happy and move into her light. Okay?
然后你老婆就会开开心心地回到她的灯泡里去 对吧?
Then I'll go back and paint it cream for you.
然后我再回来帮你涂成奶油色
Then you'll be happy. Then I can get out of this godforsaken house,
那样你就开心啦 这样我就能离开这个倒霉的房♥子
paint the town red with Roofie, call it a night.
和撸夫一起把这儿都涂成红的 就完事儿啦
It's a win, win, win. What?
这可是个仨赢局面 你说啥?
What? You've woken the beast.
怎么? 你把沉睡着的卡比熊叫醒了
Uh-oh.
你妹
You were gonna lie to me? No, I...
你打算欺骗我咯? 不 我...
Yeah. Yes. Okay, I was being shifty. I'm sorry.
行了 好吧 是的 我有点摇摆不定 对不起啊
But, lady, you kind of forgot to mention
但是 女同志 你似乎忘记说
that you were gonna poison your husband.
你其实有打算毒害你丈夫呐
If he had just painted the kitchen fuschia like I asked,
如果他能听我的把厨房♥漆成梅红色
none of this would've happened. Stop it with the fuschia.
这一切都不会发生的 别提你的梅红色了
What are we, a band of circus performers?
我们这是干嘛呢 马戏团表演么?
Oh, and beige is a much more refined choice.
哦 好像米色就是个绝对精妙的选择一样
It was not beige. Cream.
不是米色 是奶油色
What's the difference between the two?
这俩有差别么?
No difference. That's the point. It's just cream.
没差别 这就是重点 就是奶油色的赶脚
It doesn't need a fancy name.
这颜色又不要什么花哨的名字
There is nothing remarkable about cream.
奶油色也不是那么备受瞩目
It is the color of your mother's kitchen.
你老娘的厨房♥也这颜色
My mother's kitchen?
我老娘的厨房♥?
Your mother's looks like a goddamned gypsy cart.
你老娘看上去就是个吉普赛破车
Okay, guys, hey, I'm just gonna say from experience,
好 朋友们 嘿 以我的经验只谈
let's leave the moms and the gypsies out of this, okay?
咱们就别提老娘和吉普赛人了好吗?
Let me tell you something about fuschia, okay, Jack?
让我来告诉你一些有关梅红色的知识 行吗 杰克
Fuschia is spontaneous. It's sexy. It's free.
梅红色很自然 很性感 很自♥由♥
Fuschia is fine the first time you see it.
当你第一眼看到梅红色的时候是觉得挺好看的
But not when you come home, and you have to have it
但是当你回到家 你得面对这个
assault your senses every day for 30 years!
能毁你三观的颜色长达30年的颜色!
Unlike cream, who sits in the corner at the cocktail party
至少不像你的奶油色 总是独自一人坐在
and makes no attempt at conversation with anybody.
一场鸡尾酒聚会的角落里 爱理不理
Cream, you don't have to explain to your friends.
奶油色 就是那种低调的角色