呆逼还愿人（2014）

What? Mmhm.
什么? 嗯哼
No, a girl like her, and a guy like me,
不 女神如她 穷屌♥如我
we're from different worlds, we can't talk.
我们是不同世界的人 我们不会有交集
It would never work. Come on, y'all both mediums.
这事永远都不会成的 别这样 你们都是灵媒啊
But she's a celebrity, she's beautiful.
但是她是名人 她是女神
I'm just, like, this lowly jackass
我只是一个连自己房♥租
who can't even afford his rent.
都付不起的穷屌♥丝
Matter of fact, I might be homeless
事实上 我可能在做完这单之后
by the time I finish this joint.
就无家可归了
I am gonna have to go through with this possession.
我现在必须完成那个附身仪式了
This teenager was a soldier and died in the war.
这个小年轻是个军人 他在打仗时挂了
This poor kid, he died a virgin.
这可怜的小屁孩 他死的时候还是个雏儿
He just wants my body to have sex with his girlfriend.
他只是想借我的身体和他的女朋友爱爱
Wait, wait, wait. You got a job,
等等 等等 你有一份工作
all you gotta do is get laid to get paid?
这份工作就是让你有床单可以滚 你还可以拿钱？
Yeah.
是啊
When's the last time you had sex?
你上一次滚床单是什么时候?
I don't know. What's today, Friday?
我也不太清楚 今天是星期五 对吧?
Tuesday.
星期二
Tuesday. Okay, so like...
好吧 星期二
Eight years ago.
八年前(⊙o⊙)…
Danny, the virgin, I've reconsidered.
处♥男♥丹尼 我又考虑了一下
I'm gonna bone your girlfriend. Really?
我决定上你的马子 真的吗?
I'm gonna bone your girlfriend, my good man!
我决定上你的马子了 我的好小伙！
Ghost high-five! All right!
魂之击掌! 棒棒哒
Okay, two things.
好的 两件事
First thing, is she attractive?
第一件事 她漂亮吗?
She's beautiful. Oh, thank God.
她很美 谢天谢地
Two, this is a one-time deal, right?
第二件事 这是一次性♥交♥易 懂?
I'm not coming back every time
我不会就因为你一想插入你的
you wanna dip the old wick. You are:
"老灯芯"我就来帮你的 你会飞升太虚的
I just wanna get laid.
我只是想要滚床单
Where does she live?
她现在住在哪里?
Ah, hi.
嗨
Ah, Miss Diinooki, I hope?
是德努基小姐吗?
It's Dinucci. Can I help you?
是迪努奇 有什么事吗?
Ho, oh, wow.
哦 哇哦
Ah, yes.
呃 是这样的
This is gonna sound a little bit strange.
这可能听起来有些奇怪
I understand that. Here it goes, anyway.
我懂得 但是 事情是这样的
I have been sent here by Daniel, your boyfriend who died.
我是被你死去的男朋友丹尼尔叫来的
He's haunting a house that I've been hired to exorcise,
他被困在了我要驱邪的那个房♥子里
and the only way that he will move on
让他安心的唯一方式就是
is if he can possess my body
他附我的身
and use it as a vessel with which to make love to you.
然后以此作为中介和你爱爱
With me.
通过我的身体
I'm here to f... k you. I'm calling the cops.
我来这是为了操你的 我要报♥警♥了
No, no cops! No cops!
不 不 别报♥警♥ 别报♥警♥啊
I'm not gonna have sex with you.
我是不会和你爱爱的
Technically, you'd be having sex with your boyfriend,
理论上 你是和你的男朋友爱爱啊
so no harm, no foul. I'm a lesbian.
所以 皆大欢喜啦 老娘是拉拉!
That's just a phase. You're in mourning.
这只是一个阶段 你只是在默哀
For who? For whom?
为"水"? 是为"谁"
I don't know what you're saying.
我不知道你在说什么
Eh, let's try this again, okay?
呃 我们重头来一次好吗?
Here.
来
Hi there. Are you Angie Dinooki?
你好 你是 安吉 迪努奇吗?
No. No. Okay,
不是 不是 好吧
is there anybody here by that name?
那这里有人叫这个名字吗?
Yeah, she's watching her program.
有 她在看电视
Nonna!
奶奶!
What is it, bellissima?
什么事啊乖孙女
Oh, that war.
哦 是二战啊
Ms. Dinucci, I should really explain myself a little better.
迪努奇夫人 我真的应该好好对你解释一下
Save it, Casanova.
省省吧 花♥花♥公♥子♥
My granddaughter already told me
我的孙女已经告诉我
all about your little spiel.
你所有的小抓马了
Okay, look, trust me, I know when I tell you
好吧 听着 相信我 我来告诉你
there are spirits that stick around in the human realm
当人们死后还会有很长时间
for a long time after they've passed.
他们的精神能量残留在人间
Yeah, sure, I believe that.
是啊 当然 我相信你啊
I watch that Camomile White
每一次凯莫米尔 怀特
every time she's on one of my programs.
出现在电视节目里时 我都会观看
I like her.
我非常喜欢她
But that doesn't mean I go along with it.
但是这并不意味着我就赞同
What? Why? Why not?
什么? 为什么? 为什么不赞同?
My Daniel was a beautiful boy.
我的丹尼尔是个俊俏的小伙子
He had a face like Rudolph Valentino.
他有着鲁道夫 瓦伦蒂诺(美男演员)般的面孔
A culo you could eat the real scarpino.
还有紧致有线条的屁♥股♥
Oh, really? Look, I'm sorry,
呃 真的吗? 听着 我很抱歉
but my answer is no.
我不能答应你的要求
Okay.
好吧
You should know though,
不过你应该知道
that if I hadn't taken about 20 of your goiter analgesics,
我如果像你这样吃上大概20片甲状腺止疼药
drank a half a bottle of cough syrup,
喝下半瓶止咳水
and popped about 15 of those sugar cubes,
再嚼上15颗这样的方糖
I would be utterly heartbroken right now.
我估计现在就会发心脏病 然后死的透透的
Good day, sir.
日安 先生
"Even though he was gone,
"尽管他已经去世
"I could feel him around me,
我仍能感受到他就在我身边
inside me.
在我体内
A gentle breeze wafted through the bedroom
一阵微风吹进卧室
and caressed my creamy white immaculate thighs.
轻抚着我那洁白无瑕的大腿
I thought about closing the window,
我想着要关上窗户
but when I looked over,
但当我看过去时
I saw that it was already
我发现它已经
closed."
被关上了"
Thank you so much for that, Miss White.
太感谢您了 怀特女士
That was paranormal erotica at its finest.
这真是情♥色♥文学中的一枝独秀
Thank you.
谢谢
Okay, I'd like to open it up
好了 现在我把时间交给
to the audience for some questions.
听众们进行提问
I have a question.
我就有个问题
So Occult Classics has been
"神秘经典"书屋继承到我这儿
in my family for three generations.
已经是第三代了
My grandfather actually died here.
我的爷爷就死在这里
There were some odd circumstances
他死的时候发生了一些
surrounding his death,
奇怪的现象
and I don't mean to put you on the spot,
我不是想让您能身临其境
but I was hoping right here in front of all these people,
但我希望您或许能在这里当着众人的面
you could maybe tell me exactly
告诉我他死的那天晚上
what happened the night that he died.
到底发生了什么
I see him.
我看见他了
I see your grandfather.
我看见你爷爷了
But I see some negative energy around him.
但我还看见了一些负能量包围着他
Is... is that making sense to you?
你...你知道这是怎么回事吗?
Um, not really. He died in a fire.
额 不太确定 他死于一场火灾
A fire! Yes!
一场火灾! 是的!
Yes, yes, I see it.
是的是的 我看见了
I see a fire.
我看见了一场火灾
He actually died trying to put out that fire.
他是因为想把火扑灭才被烧死的
He died trying to save
他想尝试拯救
this bookstore that he loved.
他心爱的书店
Ah. I hated this place.
啊 我讨厌这地方
I was the one who started the fire.
火是我放的
Wait, you didn't talk to her?
等等 你没有跟她说话?
She made all that up?
那都是她瞎编的?
Wait, you can hear me?
等等 你听得见我说话?
Wait, she can't hear you?
等等 她听不见你?
Wait. Wait.
等等 等等