崩溃人生（2017）

this thing that happened that you thought
发生了
would never happen to you.
这很刺♥激♥
It's exciting, you know?
但我的感觉是
But the sense I get is
也许你有点迷失自我了
maybe you're just a little bit lost.
-我觉得 -你很困惑 就选了条路
- I mean... - You're all over the place. Pick a lane.
当时感觉很好
In the moment, you know, it made a lot of sense.
因为她玩了你的蛋
'Cause she played with your balls.
-我就是这个意思 -但是为什么呢
- That's what I'm talking about. - But-- but why?
我不明白 为什么我不能这样
I don't understand. Why can't I be this guy?
为什么我不能试一试呢
Why can't I do this a little bit?
-因为你不 -也许我遇到她是有原因的
- Cause you're not-- - Maybe I met this girl for a reason.
或许你和我们坐在这也是有原因的
Right, or maybe you're here with us for a reason.
不亦... 有句希伯来语说法
The Gam Zu... There's a Hebrew expression, which--
不亦善夫
Gam Zu L'Tova,
意思是 "这样不也很好吗"
which means, "Even this is for the best."
是的 也许你参加这个演出
Yeah, like, maybe you took this gig
只是因为你没别的事可做
'cause you got nothing else going on, whatever.
我敢肯定你一定没想到
I'm sure you didn't expect to be doing
今晚的演出是犹太风格的 不过
a shul gig tonight, but, uh...
你还是来了
Here you are.
也许是你需要和我们谈谈
Maybe you need to be having this conversation with us.
也许是上帝向你伸出了援手
Maybe it's God reaching out to you.
不要有压力 敞开心扉
No pressure, just be open to it.
如果大家都找到座位了 我们可以开始了
Okay, if everybody could find a seat, we could get going.
首先 我想提醒大家
First of all, I want to remind everybody
把手♥机♥调至静音
let's silence your cell phones,
也不要开闪光灯拍照
and no flash photography at today's event.
在我们开始今天的喜剧演出之前
Um, all right, so before we start, uh, today's comedy show,
很多人都知道 里昂·施瓦兹在本周早些时候
as many of you are aware, Leon Schwartz passed away
因为结肠癌去世了
earlier this week from colon cancer.
他的家人会在家中服丧一周
Uh, his family will be sitting shiva all week at their home.
大家准备好听喜剧了吗
So who's ready for some comedy?
除了庆祝和欢笑 我想不出更好的办法
I can think of no better way to celebrate Leon's life,
来歌♥颂和纪念里昂的一生
to honor him, but to celebrate and have a few laughs.
我们能做到吗 我想我们可以
Can we do that? I think we can.
现在 埃伦和莫迪
Now-- now Elon and Modi
三年前曾站在这个舞台 人们现在还在谈论他们
were here three years ago, and people are still talking about it.
我很高兴能欢迎他们回来
So it is my pleasure to welcome them back.
话筒交给你 莫迪
Take it away, Modi!
谢谢你 拉比
Thank you, Rabbi.
结肠癌
Colon cancer!
我是因为这个才来的
That's how you bring me up here.
我的结肠镜笑话说不了了
There goes my colonoscopy joke. Shot to Hell!
你们知道埋葬的规矩
And those of you, you know that the laws of burial--
在犹太教中 如果有人死了
In the Jewish religion when somebody dies,
我们当场就把他们埋了 直接入土
we bury them right away. In the ground.
这可不是开玩笑
There's no messing around.
反正他们也活不过来了 不是吗
It's not gonna get any better, is it?
在佛罗里达 当老人打完盹醒来后
In Florida, when the old people take a nap, they wake up,
"不要 不要
"No! No!
快把铲子拿走 你什么毛病"
Put the shovel away! What's wrong with you?"
很高兴能来到这
It's, uh... it's wonderful to be here.
多谢邀请 显然我是你们的客人
Thanks for having me. Obviously, I'm your guest.
我不是犹太人
I'm not... I'm not Jewish.
我都长这样了 你们看得出来吧
I don't know if you can tell by looking at... everything.
就我这样的
Just all of this.
我身高一米九八 看上去有点像
I'm six-foot, six. I kind of look like
在预科学校读书的哥利亚[巨人]
Goliath if he went to prep school.
能理解吗
Does that make sense?
我看到很多椅子空着
I see a lot of empty seats.
你们都在给以利亚[希伯来先知]留位吗 还是
Are you all saving a seat for Elijah? Or is that...
他挺不错的
He's good.
我很了解《旧约》
I do know a lot about the Old Testament,
或者按你们的说法 《全书》
or as you guys call it, the whole story.
我想我们应该多聚聚
I think we should get along more.
犹太人和基♥督♥徒应该聚一聚
Jews and Christians should get along.
我的圣经有70%的内容和你们的一样
My book is 70 percent your book.
对于大部分内容 我们意见一致
We agree on most of my book.
只是结尾不同
We just differ on the ending.
就像《指环王》 我们都爱《魔戒再现》
It's like Lord of the Rings. We both agree on Fellowship of the Ring.
我们都喜欢《双塔奇兵》
We all love the Two Towers.
我们喜欢《王者归来》 而你们就会说
We just love Return of the King, and you guys are like,
"不是那个王"
"Wrong king!"
还有什么
What else?
众所周知 你们运动细胞很差
You guys get a bad rap for being unathletic.
我真搞不懂 几千年间
I don't understand that. You've been athletic
你们一直都在运动
for thousands of years.
摩西爬上山与上帝交谈
Moses climbed a mountain to talk to God.
各位 上帝无处不在
Folks, God is everywhere.
这家伙却宁愿去爬山
This guy's going on an elective hike
就因为山上信♥号♥♥更好一点
just because he gets a few more bars up in the hills.
这就是奉献精神
That's commitment!
上帝将《十诫》交付与他
Then God gives him the Ten Commandments.
他写下来了吗
Does he write it down?
不 他刻下来了
No, he chisels it!
刻在了大石头上
In heavy stone!
他把诫律刻得光滑圆润
He made those commandments nice and smooth, baby.
太爷们了 这很需要毅力
That's a man's man! That takes grit!
然后他抱着石头下山了
And then he hiked down, holding the weights.
这是重量训练 伙计们 这才是健身
That's weight-training, folks. That's CrossFit.
他下来后 他累吗 他不累
Then he gets down, is he tired? He's not tired.
他仍然放肆地把金牛给砸了
He still has enough chutzpah to kick over a golden calf.
没错 很放肆
That's right, chutzpah!
我谷歌♥了很多资料
I googled a lot of this.
我谷格[犹太食物]了
I kugel-ed it.
天哪 她来了
Oh my God, she showed up.
希望这个教堂没有更衣室
I hope this shul doesn't have a dressing room.
但肯定有卫生间啊
Well, we definitely have a bathroom.
我很荣幸能来这表演
I was honored to get this gig.
他们发电邮邀请我的
It came through an e-mail.
其实是封电割邮
Actually, an e-mohel.
是封电邮 但他们割掉了主题
That's an e-mail, but they cut off the subject.
有人说这很残忍♥ 但这是传统
Some people say it's cruel, but it's tradition.
非常感谢 你们太棒了
Thank you guys very much. This was wonderful!
真的很感谢
I really appreciate it.
大家晚上玩得愉快
Have a good night!
大家掌声欢迎风趣的埃伦·戈德
And keep it going for the very funny Elon Gold!
各位 埃伦·戈德
Everybody, Elon Gold!
我很喜欢犹太教
Here's what I love about Judaism.
犹太教是唯一
Judaism is the only religion
不招募新成员的宗教
that doesn't try to recruit new members. Yeah.
可能是因为我们知道招不到人
Probably 'cause we know we can't get any.
我们到底能有什么卖♥♥点呢
I mean, what's the selling point there, exactly, right?
抱歉 能借过一下吗
Sorry, can I... squeeze in?
厌倦你丁丁上多余的皮肤了吗
Tired of that excess flap of skin on your schmeckle?
-没想到吧 -我以为你要参加单身派对呢
- I know. - I thought you had a bachelorette party.
我想见你
I just wanted to see you.
我想看你现场演出
I wanted to see you live.
想戒掉世界上最美味的三种食物吗
Want to stop eating three of the most delicious foods on the planet?
培根 芝士汉堡和培根双层芝士汉堡
Bacon, cheeseburgers, and bacon double-cheeseburgers?
或许你都不想吃饭了
Or perhaps you're ready to give up eating altogether,
要不要来加入我们数不胜数的斋戒啊
and would enjoy partaking in one of our numerous fast days?
那么犹太教就是为你量身定做的
Well, then, Judaism's just for you.
不 我很高兴来到这里 很高兴来到这里
No, I'm happy to be here, very happy to be here.
-太棒了 -谢谢你们
- Wonderful. - Thank you, guys.
-晚安 -谢谢
- Good night. - Thank you.
-谢谢 -谢谢你们
- Thank you. - Thanks, guys.
你的女朋友呢
So where's your lady friend?
她在抽烟吧 我不知道
She's smoking a cigarette, I think. I don't know.
她居然来了