崩溃人生（2017）

- and all this stuff. - Okay, I'll be dirty.
-好 下流 -下流点
- Yeah, be dirty. - A little dirty.
还有 不要提婚姻
Also, don't mention marriage.
不要提青少年
Don't mention adolescence.
有很大一部分都是讲青春期的
A lot of it is about adolescence.
那就别讲 讲别的
Well, then you don't do that, you do something else.
或者直接说"欢迎 我是会场老板"
Or you just say, "Welcome, I'm the venue owner,"
然后下台
and then you walk off.
-好吧 -听着...
- All right. - Look...
别出丑
don't be bad.
女士们先生们 掌声欢迎本·福尔摩斯
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ben Holmes!
说话
Speak!
说啊
Speak!
抱歉
Um, sorry.
其实是皮特
It's actually, it's Pete.
我的名字是...
My name is, um...
皮特·福尔摩斯
Pete Holmes.
没关系
It's okay.
他们...他们弄混了
There was a... There was a mix-up.
我不是本·福尔摩斯 我是皮特·福尔摩斯
I'm not Ben Holmes, I'm Pete Holmes.
这事说来话长
I mean, there was a whole thing.
原来约翰·马来尼 今晚的头牌
It turns out John Mulaney, who we're all here to see,
想找本·福尔摩斯
um, wanted Ben Holmes,
但他们联♥系♥我的经纪人找来了皮特·福尔摩斯
but they got in touch with my manager and they got Pete Holmes,
我来的时候 约翰...
and then I got here and John was--
他不太高兴
He was not cool about it.
我不是说他是混♥蛋♥ 他不是混♥蛋♥
I'm not... I'm not saying he's a dick. He's not a dick.
我是说每个人都有犯浑的时候
I'm saying we all have moments where we slip into dick.
而他...
And he...
他就犯浑了 没错
He slipped into dick. I know!
我真是太倒霉了 因为他不高兴
What a nightmare for me, because he was upset.
这次表演这么重要 我明白 我明白
He had this important show. I get it, I get it, I get it.
我明白 我真的明白
I get it. I really get it.
但他当着我的面给别的喜剧演员打电♥话♥
But he was calling other comedians in front of me.
-抱歉 我迟到了 -克里斯·格哈德吗
- Sorry I'm late, man. - Is that Chris Gethard?
-对 是我 -你♥他♥妈♥去哪儿了
- Yeah, it's me. - Where the fuck were you?
我在...和我妻子吃晚餐
I was having, you know, dinner with my wife.
希望你是因为这个才穿成这样的
And that's, hopefully, why you're dressed like that.
他们打电♥话♥说
And they're calling like,
"迈克·伯德比格利亚 我们需要你"
"Mike Birbiglia, we need you!"
然后我就...
And I'm like...
但是我不明白
But I don't understand.
我的工作就是要衬托头牌
My job is to just not be as good as the headliner.
兄弟 如果你要找
Brother, if you're looking
比不上约翰·马来尼的人
for someone to be not as good as John Mulaney,
第一个来找我
I'm your first call.
我集平庸与渺小这两种最佳品味于一身
I am mediocre and forgettable together, like two great tastes.
-格里尔 -我是不是来晚了
- Hey, Greer. - Hey. Am I too late?
不 表演还没开始呢
Uh, no, the show hasn't started yet.
是的 你来晚了
Yes, you're too late.
我就是个时不时巡演的开放麦演员
I'm basically an open mic-er who does some road work,
我的经纪人说"约翰·马来尼点名要你"
and my manager was like, "John Mulaney asked for you by name."
然后我说"靠谱"
And I was like, "That checks out."
他都不认识我
He doesn't even know me!
他不认识我 我们见过一次
He doesn't know me. We met once,
当时他就挺混♥蛋♥的
and, you know, he was kind of a dick then too.
他当时就是个混♥蛋♥
He was dick then.
你确实是个混♥蛋♥
You are a dick.
我知道 但是观众不知道
I know, but people don't know that.
市政厅的各位观众 非常感谢
Town Hall, thank you so much.
简直是梦想成真 谢谢 马来尼
What a dream come true. Thank you, Mulaney.
你们准备好迎接头牌了吗
Are you guys ready for your headliner?
我也准备好了 他就是今晚的主角
I am, too. This is obviously the person we all came to see.
你们认识他爱他 大家热烈欢迎
You know him, you love him. Town Hall, give a big welcome
约翰·马来尼
to John Mulaney!
-你不错嘛 -真的吗 我以为...
- You're not bad. - Really? I thought--
我得表演了 谢谢
I have to go do it. Thank you.
皮特·福尔摩斯 女士们先生们
Pete Holmes, ladies and gentlemen.
-表现不错 -谢谢
- Good show, dude. - Thanks, man.
-我喜欢你的表演 -谢谢
- I love your stuff. - Thanks.
-不错嘛 相当不错 -谢谢 格里尔
- Not bad, man. Not bad at all. - Thank you, Greer.
大家好 我是约翰·马来尼
Hello, I'm John Mulaney.
五秒钟之前 你们可能
You may know me from some of Pete's stories
从皮特那儿听说过我
from five seconds ago.
说实话 皮特·福尔摩斯对我的评价是对的
I got to admit, Pete Holmes was kind of right about me.
今晚我对他的态度很混♥蛋♥
I was a dick to him this evening,
我向他道歉
and I do apologize.
你们看到了我的阴暗面 我很羞愧
I'm embarrassed that you have seen the darker side of me.
不过说到今年
But in terms of dark sides
男性喜剧演员暴露出的阴暗面
of male comedians coming to light this year,
我应该算好的了
I think that's a pretty tame one.
但是...
But...
我想做一个善良的人
I want to be a good, nice person.
我在天主教家庭长大 从小知道要善待别人
I was raised Catholic, I was raised to be kind to everyone.
天主教义的核心就是善
You know, Catholicism is all about kindness
直到你深入了解发现根本不是这么回事
until you go digging into it, and then it's not at all.
现在有一位新教宗 倍受爱戴
There's a new pope, and people like him a lot.
教宗方济各 大家都觉得他很酷
Pope Francis, people think he's cool.
看看你们
Like, look at all of you.
你们在为他鼓掌
You're clapping for him,
而他反对堕胎 反对你们的权利
and he's against abortion and all of your rights,
但是你们喜欢他
but you like him.
教皇受人欢迎 因为他就像刚刚
The pope is popular, 'cause he acts like a sophomore in college
第一次尝试了迷幻蘑菇的大二生
who just took mushrooms for the first time.
他会说"或许上帝只是一种能量
He'll be like, "Maybe God is just an energy,
而不是一个有儿子的男人"
not some man with a son."
大家都说"天主教好酷呀"
And everyone's like, "Whoa, Catholicism's cool!"
并不是
It's not!
这只是引诱你们犹太人和无神论者
This is a trick to lure you Jews and atheists
投向我们古怪意大利宗教的把戏
into our weird Italian religion.
听我一句你们就知道教皇到底能不能变革了
Here's how you'll know if the pope ever really shakes things up.
他会死
He'll die.
要是教皇哪天会说
If the pope was ever like, "Hey,
"我刚刚想到如果我们卖♥♥一些黄金大教堂
I just realized that we could cure world hunger
就能解决世界饥荒了"
if we sold some of these gold cathedrals."
第二天人们就会发现"天呐 教皇死了
The next day they'd be like, "Oh, no! The pope died!
没错 他心脏病发了 他摔下了楼梯"
Yeah, he had a heart attack. He fell down the stairs."
"抱歉 他到底是心脏病发还是摔下楼梯"
"I'm sorry. He had a heart attack or he fell down the stairs?"
"就是嘛"
"I know!"
-天啊 -太棒了
- Oh my God! - Amazing!
很高兴你们看到了
I'm so glad you saw that.
天啊 你在台上好好宣泄了一番吧
Oh my goodness, that looked so cathartic for you.
没错 很紧张 太疯狂了
Yes, it was. It was... tense, fucking crazy,
不过上台表演 一切都值了
but out there, I mean, it was all-- it was worth it.
你把你内心怪异的气愤
You took all that weird anger you have inside yourself,
以另一种方式呈现
and then you totally transformed it,
传递给台下的观众 让他们欢笑不断
and you gave it these folks and you just made them laugh
转变成了正能量 皮特
and turned it into positivity, Peter!
是啊 真的很棒
Yeah, it was great.
约翰 打扰了 能过来一下吗
Um, John, sorry. Would you mind?
这是我邀请的来宾
These are my, uh, these are my guests.
-这是杰茜 -你好
- This is Jess. - Hello.
这是利夫
And this is Leif.
这位是约翰·马来尼
And this is John Mulaney.
我是约翰·马来尼 幸会
I'm John Mulaney. Nice to meet you.
-约翰·马来尼 -这是格里尔·巴尔内斯
- John Mulaney. - Uh, this is Greer Barnes.
-你说你叫利夫吗 -是的
- "Leif," you said? - Yeah.
幸会
Nice to meet you.
-我是格里尔 幸会 -你们好啊
- Greer. Nice to meet you. - How are you?
你的表演太搞笑了 我笑得喘不上气
You were so funny. I couldn't breathe.
-谢谢 -你们是兄妹吗