崩溃人生（2017）

You too.
你是谁
Who are you?
皮特·福尔摩斯 可能因为穿了西装
Pete Holmes. I'm wearing a suit, maybe.
记得吗 我们见过
Remember, we met at Rafifi.
是的 十一号♥
Yeah, yeah. On 11th.
离久情疏
Out of sight.
我只是
I just, um...
我想回来 但不想麻烦你
I wanted to come back, and I don't want to bother you.
我只想说能给您这样的人
I just want to say it's wonderful to be opening
开场实在太棒了
for somebody of your caliber,
实现了一个梦想
and just a dream come true, and it's--
能在市政厅演出是种荣幸
It's an honor, and Town Hall, I mean...
你说"为我开场"
When you say, "Open for me--"
我是指主持人不是开场 我只是配角
I just mean emcee, not open. I'm just the supporting act.
你为什么要这么说 为什么要这么说
Why are you saying this? Why are you saying that?
你觉得怎么合适怎么来
Yeah, whatever term you want to use.
我是"特邀嘉宾" 今晚你的特邀嘉宾
I'm the "Special guest." I'm your special guest tonight.
太激动了
And that's a thrill.
-他为你开场 约翰 -开场
- He's your opener, John. - Yeah, opener.
-谁他妈给我开场 -这位
-Who the fuck's my opener? - This is the opener.
我没找他啊
This is not what I asked for.
你要找皮特·福尔摩斯 这位就是
You asked for Pete Holmes. This is Pete Holmes.
我不可能找皮特·福尔摩斯
I could not have asked for Pete Holmes,
我都不知道他是谁
because I do not know who Pete Holmes is.
我是皮特·福尔摩斯 还记得我们
I'm Pete Holmes. Remember we--
我现在知道了
I know that now.
我想要福尔摩斯 芝加哥的喜剧演员
I wanted Holmes, the comedian, from Chicago.
芝加哥有个福尔摩斯
They got Holmes from Chicago,
芝加哥喜剧节
from the Chicago Comedy Festival.
他很搞笑 我们一起演出过
He was super funny, we were on the same show,
后来我们一起去了艾莱尼亚餐厅
then we went to Alinea together,
厨师桌被关了 我们在主厨桌吃的
they closed the kitchen, we ate at the chef's counter.
我没和你去过艾莱尼亚
I didn't go to Alinea with you.
我们没请你 但我告诉过你
I know, we didn't invite you, but I told you--
福尔摩斯那家伙
The guy, Holmes--
-本·福尔摩斯吗 -是的
- Ben Holmes? - Yes!
-本·福尔摩斯 好吧 -本·福尔摩斯
- Ben Holmes. Okay. - Ben Holmes!
本·福尔摩斯 你想要本·福尔摩斯
Ben Holmes. You wanted Ben Holmes.
本·福尔摩斯今晚来开场
Ben Holmes is opening tonight.
-好的 -他今晚开场
- Okay, okay, okay. - He's opening tonight.
不 他在芝加哥
No, he's in Chicago.
本·福尔摩斯不在这 皮特·福尔摩斯在这
Ben Holmes is not here, and Pete Holmes is here?
是的
Yes.
你们好像弄错了
Sounds like there's been a little bit of confusion.
应该是因为我们姓一样
It's most likely because we have the same surname.
你这么觉得吗 阿加莎·克里斯蒂
Oh, do you fucking think, Agatha Christie?
我来解决 我们会解决的
I'm gonna fix this. We're gonna fix this.
-没事的 没事的 -好吧
- This is totally fine. This is totally fine. - Okay.
好吧 这个人
All right, what does one--
这个人会做什么
What does one do?
你肯定能找到人来代替 时间还很充裕
I'm sure you can call somebody else. There's plenty of time.
我们可以列一个喜剧演员的名单
We can form a list and think of comedians,
-其他有空的喜剧演员 -好 列个名单
- other comedians that could open. - Okay, we'll make a list.
-一份纽约喜剧演员的名单 -好
- A list of New York City comedians. - Yes, okay.
纽约喜剧演员的名单
A list of comedians in New York City.
-准备好记录了 -按我的顺序来 行吗
- I've got a note open, yes. - Do it in this order, okay?
罗恩·芬奇斯 他第三个 好吗
Ron Funches. He's third, okay?
乔恩·斯图尔特 我知道听起来有点不可能
Jon Stewart-- I know that sounds like a reach,
但或许如果这样说
but maybe if you pitch it as like,
"如果你能出场就太好了" 好吗
"Oh, this would be so crazy if you showed up," All right?
第一个 伯德比格利亚开场有点太大牌了
First, Birbiglia. He's too big to open for me,
但他是我朋友 他可能会帮忙
but he's a friend. He might do it as a favor.
如果他说他不在纽约就是在撒谎
If he says he's not in New York, he is lying.
真是见鬼了
Jesus fucking Christ.
凯文 我是皮特
Kevin, it's Pete.
搞错了 他们找错人了
There's a mix-up. They booked the wrong fucking guy.
我不知道你在哪 我在剧院
I don't know where you are. I'm at the theater.
你快回我电♥话♥ 太操蛋了
You gotta fucking call me. It's fucked up.
皮特 能跟你聊几句吗
Pete, can I talk to you for a second?
把门关上
Shut the-- shut the door.
请坐
Have a seat for a minute.
真的很抱歉
I'm really sorry.
不 这是
Uh, no. This is a...
这是大事 这里是市政厅
This is a big deal. This is Town Hall,
换做是我 我也希望我的演出完美
and I would want my show to be perfect too.
给我打击有点大 我
It was-- Yeah. It threw me. I...
表现得像个混♥蛋♥
...acted like a jerk, and, you know,
你知道我不是个混♥蛋♥ 你也会这么告诉别人
as you know and as you'll tell people, I'm not a jerk.
我不会说的
I don't-- I'm not gonna talk about this.
这不是坏... 我都没...
It's not a bad-- I don't even...
我不是要你不要谈论这件事
Oh, I'm not telling you not to talk about it.
-我没这么说 -但我不会说的
- I didn't say that. - No, but I won't.
这事说出去可能会让我看起来像个混♥蛋♥
Yeah, it's like the story could be that I'm an asshole,
但你知道不是这样的
and, you know, that's not the story.
这里是市政厅
You know, it's Town Hall.
小打小闹可不行
You can't shoot to wound.
你得竭尽全力
You gotta shoot to kill.
是伯德比格利亚
Oh, it's Birbiglia.
皮特
Hey, Pete.
你好
Oh, hey, man.
你得离开这里
We're gonna need you to clear out of here.
-当然了 抱歉 -好
- Oh, yeah, yeah. Of course. I'm sorry. - Yeah. Yeah.
不 抱歉的是我们
No, we're sorry.
大多数我都没碰过
I didn't touch most of this.
我们会换个新的 跟我来
We'll get a new one. Just, uh, follow me out here.
要我走吗 感觉我应该走了
Should I go? I kind of feel like I should get out of here.
不 留下来 别走
No, stay, stay. Literally stay.
来都来了 就把节目看完
You're here, just watch the show, you know?
好吧 还有座位吗 还是说
Okay, is there a seat in the house, or--?
没了 不过你可以在后台看
Well, no. Um, but you can watch from backstage.
你就是VIP 我们的贵宾
You'll be a VIP, our very important guest.
约翰的贵宾
John's very important guest.
在哪看都行 没事
Yeah, I'll watch from wherever, sure.
-操 -我去处理一下
- Fuck! - I've got to take care of this.
-约翰 有人来吗 -罗恩·芬奇斯在丹佛
- John, anything? - Ron Funches is in Denver.
我打给盖瑟德了
I called Gethard,
他说他尽量在八点前赶来
and he said he would try to be here by eight o'clock,
现在已经快八点了
and it's almost eight,
我觉得他不会来了
so I don't think he's gonna be here.
-所以盖瑟德不来了 -不来了
- So Gethard will not be here? - Gethard will not be here.
操 我不是冲你发火
Okay. Fuck! I'm not mad at you.
你能讲几分钟
How many minutes can you do?
-二十分钟 -你来十分钟
- I could do 20. - You'll do 10.
那就这样了
So are we doing this?
是的
Yeah.
操 真的要开始了
Aah, fuck, it's happening.
拿着 贾斯汀
Take that, Justin.
表演就要开始了
The show is about to happen.
不会不开始
It's not not going to happen.
天呐 我讨厌做单口相声
God, I hate doing stand-up.
我特别讨厌单口相声
I hate doing stand-up comedy so much.
我这辈子只想做喜剧演员
I only wanted to be a comedian my whole life,
而我最讨厌的就是做单口相声
and the thing I hate the most is stand-up comedy.
你说脏话吗
Hey, are you clean?
不说 我不喜欢说脏...
Uh, yeah, I'm-- I'm a clean--
不行 你得下流一点
No, you gotta be dirty.
我爸妈会讨厌的那种
That way my parents will hate you,
我出场时就看起来很正经了
and when I walk out I seem clean.
但我不是正经的喜剧演员
I'm not a clean comic. People think I am,
但我经常说"屌♥" "屁♥股♥"和"可♥卡♥因♥"
but I say "dick" and "ass" and "cocaine"
-什么脏话都说 -好吧 我下流点