崩溃人生（2017）

如果需要帮助 就和我说
Well, let me know if you need any help.
-非常感谢 -谢谢
- Thank you so much. - Thank you.
你干嘛呢
What the fuck are you doing?
抱歉 我只是想活跃一下气氛
I'm-- I'm sorry. I'm trying to lighten the mood.
-你懂的 -感觉就像你在让我难堪
- It's, you know-- - It feels like you're shaming me.
感觉就像是你在羞辱我喜欢的东西
It feels like you are trying to shame me for being into what I'm into.
不 当然不是 这很性感
No, no. Absolutely not. This is sexy.
很有趣 我完全同意尝试新鲜事物
This is fun. I'm all for trying new things.
我很高兴要和你一起尝试
I'm happy to be doing this with you.
-我想和你一起尝试 -好
- I want to do this with you. - Good.
-因为我也会往你身体里塞点东西 -好的
- 'Cause I'm gonna put stuff in you, too. - Great.
这个小玩意我买♥♥了
I'm getting this little guy.
一年只有一次复活节
Hey, Easter comes but once a year.
你也一样
And so do you.
怎么了
What?
感觉有点下流
Feels naughty.
我们应该做点什么
We should do something...
我们应该做些有益健康的事来平衡一下
We should so something wholesome to balance the evening out.
我们可以去给老人念书
We could go read to the elderly.
我们可以对着救生犬吹泡泡
We could blow bubbles at rescue dogs.
选一只出来
Pick one out.
等等
Um, hold on.
我们可以乘这边的列车 不过
We can get the train this way. But, um...
不 有件事我想做
No, there's something that I want to do.
但是这里有点像我工作的地方
Yeah, but this-- this is sort of like where I work, though.
这就像我的办公室一样
This is like my office.
我们可以绕过去
We can just hook around.
好了好了 跟我来吧
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just come with me.
我安排了一点好玩的事 你肯定喜欢
I have something fun planned. You're really gonna like it.
-能回家玩吗 -不行
- Can we do it at home? - No, we cannot.
凯蒂
Kitty.
能不能别这样
Can we please not do this?
说真的 这是我最不想来的地方
Seriously, this is like the last place I want to be.
-求你了 -直面你的恐惧
- Please. - Face your fears.
你这是要干嘛
What are you-- What are you doing?
这是你自己说过想去表演的俱乐部
This is the club you said you wanted to play.
我们到了
Here we are.
好吧 我也告诉过你我在这家俱乐部试镜过
Okay, this is also the club I told you I auditioned at,
而且试镜不顺利 我告诉过你了
and it didn't go well. I-- I told you this.
是啊 所以我们才来这
Yeah, so that's why we're here.
不 我想让选角导演忘记我
No, the plan is I want the booker to forget who I am.
我可不想以一个失败者的形象出现
I'm not gonna show up as some loser guy.
那你永远都不打算回这里了
So, what, you're just never gonna come back here?
不 关键是要让她忘了我
No, the key is for her to forget my face.
-不 皮特 -然后我再回来
- No, Pete! - Then I come back.
-她必须得经常见到你 -不 她不必
- She has to see you all the time. - No, she doesn't.
-我不要进去 -这样她才会想
- I'm not coming in here. - So that she's like,
等等 这家伙挺有种的
Oh wait. This guy's got balls.
第一次见他的时候我错过了什么
There's something that I missed the first time,
他正在为自己相信的事情奋斗
and he's fighting for what he believes in.
人们会尊敬这个的
And people respect that.
不 我认为人们会觉得这很奇怪
No, I think people think it's weird
被拒绝了之后 还不停地露面
when you're rejected from something and you keep showing up.
不 皮特 你得经常来这边
No, Pete, you need to be here all the time.
你不能逃避
You can't hide.
-他们得看你看到腻 -不
- They need to get tired of seeing you. - Listen. No.
-相信我 好吗 -凯蒂 拜托
- Just trust me, okay? - Kitty, please.
求你了
Please.
这是正事 好吗
This is business, okay?
这是战争的艺术
It's the art of war.
再说 你又不是一个人进去
And also, you're not walking in alone.
你不是失败者 我陪着你呢 好吗
You're not a loser. You're with me, okay?
你好 我们有票的
Hi, excuse us. We have tickets.
我靠 皮特·福尔摩斯
Shit, Pete Holmes.
他是喜剧演员
He's a comic.
我知道皮特·福尔摩斯是谁
I know who the fuck Pete Holmes is.
皮特 你今晚坐观众席吗
Pete, you sitting in the audience tonight?
-是的 是的 -是吗
- Yes. Yes. - Yeah?
别担心 我给你们留了好位置
Don't worry about it, man. I got the perfect seats for you.
-你真好 谢谢 -不客气
- That is so nice. Thank you. - You're welcome.
-走吧 谢谢 -好的
- Should we go? Thank you. - Yeah. Good.
老兄
Dude...
如果我是你 就把帽子摘了
I'd lose the hat if I was you.
这里很不错 比我想象的要小
It's cool here. It's smaller than I thought it was going to be.
-挨得很近 -是的
- Very intimate. Very. - Yeah.
-很不错 -我们离得太近了
- It's nice. - This is too close.
-离得太近了 -不
- This is too close. - No!
你就该坐这
You are right where you're supposed to be right now.
-我们没点这个 -他请的
- We didn't order these. - These are from him.
谢谢 干杯
Thank you! Cheers!
他人真好
That is so nice of him.
干杯
Cheers.
他们在嘲讽我 你懂吗
They're fucking with me. You realize that?
不 他们送酒过来是因为他们认识你
No, they're sending it over because they know you,
因为你是朋友
because you're a friend.
-他们 这不是 -你是朋友 喝了
- They're-- that's not-- - You're a friend. Drink this.
这些人是禽兽
These people are animals.
-那我喝了 -凯蒂
- I'm drinking this. - Kitty.
抽大♥麻♥最大的好处
The greatest thing about smoking marijuana...
就是抽大♥麻♥本身
...is smoking marijuana...
还有一个月没抽大♥麻♥
and then not smoking marijuana for about a month,
再开始抽大♥麻♥的感觉
and then smoking marijuana.
快活似神仙
So good.
女士们先生们 我们下一位来宾
Ladies and people, our next guest
是一位才子 很搞笑
is a talented man. Very funny.
热烈鼓掌欢迎戴夫·阿泰尔先生
Put your hands together and welcome Mr. Dave Attell.
掌声不要停 献给威廉·史蒂芬森
Keep it going for William Stephenson, everybody.
谢谢
Thanks.
威廉 送你一个词
William, two-words advice:
仰卧起坐
sit-ups. Now...
大家好
Hey, guys!
今天的观众都是些大老粗 我喜欢
This is a rough and ready crowd. That's the way I like it.
看看大家
Let's take a look at everyone.
很高兴看见我家居委会的人也来了
It's nice to see my condo board showed up.
你们好吗 很抱歉我家有股奇怪的味道
How are you guys? Sorry about the weird smell.
还有《汉密尔顿》的演员 掌声欢迎
And, of course, the cast of Hamilton . Give them a hand.
我♥操♥
And, uh... Oh shit.
这是 没错 是他 皮特
Is that...? Yeah, it is. Hey, Pete. Yeah.
你们不认识 他是个喜剧演员 皮特·福尔摩斯
You guys don't know this. This is a comic, Pete Holmes.
坐在正前排
Yeah, sittin' right up front.
伙计
Dude...
我了个操
What the fuck, man?
你们买♥♥票了吗
Did you guys buy tickets?
买♥♥了
What's, uh... Yes.
她想来看看
She, uh, she wanted to come.
你是他女朋友
And you're the girlfriend?
今天是我们相恋三周纪念
It's our three-week-aversary.
没错
Yeah.
-你们做♥爱♥了吗 -做了
- Are you guys s-e-x-ing? - Yeah.
是吗 我很想看你们两个摩擦整晚
Yeah? I would love to see you two scissoring all night.
肯定很疯狂
It must be crazy. Yeah.
小姐 我能闻闻你的指头吗 真的
Miss, can I smell your finger? I mean, really...
只是闻闻
this is just what it's about.
你这顶软呢帽真是神奇 老实说
It's the magic of that fedora hat, I mean, honestly...
你看上去就像没有吸引力或没钱或失去才华的
You kind of look like Timberlake without the power
贾斯汀·汀布莱克
or money or talent.
这帽子是把你买♥♥给他的吗
And, uh, did you buy him that hat?
当然了
You bet I did!
干得漂亮
Yeah! Nice!
你跟一个姑娘出去约会 然后她开始
You go out with a girl, then she starts dressing you