崩溃人生（2017）

-我回来了 -我不在乎
- I'm back. - I don't care.
我没想着在街角和你分手的 抱歉
I didn't mean to break up with you on a street corner. Sorry.
当时我也感觉到了
I kind of felt it that time.
恭喜你做回人了
Congrats on being a human being.
《浮生若寄》前情提要
即使只是在酒窖试演
Even getting an audition at the Cellar
那也是件大事
is a really, really big deal.
有伯乐发现我
The right people see me,
也许我会巡回表演 也许我会为某人暖场
maybe I tour, maybe I open for somebody.
皮特·福尔摩斯
Pete Holmes!
你们在泳池里撒过尿吗
You guys pee in the pool?
这是你能做的最真实的自♥由♥之举了
It is one of the truest acts of freedom
站在齐腰的水里 离陌生人一米远
to stand three feet away from a stranger,
问人家"你好吗"
just like, "What's going on?"
谢谢 酒窖 谢谢
Thank you, Cellar! Thank you.
你的演出真棒
That was a good set.
你没准备好 我这里有许多言之无物的
You're not ready. I have plenty of white guys
白人小哥
talking about nothing.
超级泡沫洗衣店
我有次在火车上
I was on a train once, man, and, uh,
有个孩子拿着一盒糖果跳上火车
this kid hopped on the train with a box of candy.
他看着大家说 "大家好
And he looked at everybody and was like, "Hey everybody!
浮生若寄
第三季 第二集
我叫雷吉
My name's Reggie.
我正在为我们的社区中心募捐 是的
I'm raising money for my community center-- I am.
如果你们能伸出援手 将会意义非凡
It'd mean a lot if you just, you know, help me out,
不管捐出多少钱都意义非凡
with what-- whatever you got, it would-- would mean a lot."
没有人给他一分钱 没人给
Man, no one gave him any money, nobody.
这太伤感了
I know, it's pretty sad!
老实孩子 只想努力谋生
Honest kid, trying to make a living, you know?
他在做的是慈善之举 对吗
And he was doing something charitable, right?
就在那时他突然发火
And that's when he got mad.
他说 "你们知道吗
He was like, "You know what?
我可以把你们都杀掉 但我没有"
I could be out killing y'all, but I'm not!
然后所有人都掏出钱来
And then everybody pulled out money.
他们说 "好吧 你拿去 你拿去"
They were like, "All right, you can have it. You can have it."
他说 "不 晚了 太晚了
And he was like, "Nah, it's too late! It's too late!
不 扭扭糖杀手回来了"
Nah, the Twizzler Strangler's back!"
给过你们机会了
You had your chance!
非常感谢各位
Thank you guys so much
来看脏衣服喜剧的最新表演
for coming to the latest installment of Dirty Loads.
我是主持人罗素
I'm your host, Russell.
下一位登场的喜剧演员特别搞笑
Your next comic coming to the stage is hilarious.
你们可能在城里别的地方见过他
You probably seen him around the city.
掌声欢迎所罗门·乔治奥
Put your hands together for Solomon Georgio!
罗素 大家把掌声送给今晚的主持人
Russell, everybody! Give it up for ya host tonight.
太棒了吧
Isn't that perfect?
关于我 你们应该知道的第一件事是
First thing you should know about me, uh,
我基得不得了
is that I am gay as hell.
谢谢 我很擅长当基佬
Thank you. I'm great at it.
-你好吗 兄弟 -很好 你怎么样
- What's up, man? - Good. How have you been?
-还好吗 -好极了 大学巡演生活怎么样
- What's going on? - Oh, great! How's college life, man?
挺好 感觉挺好的
Good, you know, it was good.
-不错啊 -是啊
- Yeah, man. - Yeah.
这是你办的 太不可思议了
This is-- This is you? This is incredible!
这是我办的演出 起初规模非常非常小
This is my show, man. It started off really, really small.
然后渐渐壮大 瞧瞧这些人
Then, it just grew. Look at all these people.
他们自己带了啤酒来
They brought their own beer, man.
直男不帮妹子口 简直是全世界
Straight men that don't eat pussy are the gayest thing...
最基的事情
in the whole wide world!
我回来之后就有点
You know, since I've been back, it's been a lttle--
活有点少 我愿意...
it's been a little light, you know? I'd love to--
如果你今晚还有空位的话
if you have room tonight--
我可以二话不说就上去
I'd jump up in a heartbeat, you know?
我也很想让你上场
Yeah, I would love to put you on, too,
但我现在一整晚都约满了
but I'm-- I'm completely booked for the whole night, man.
再过两三个月肯定没问题 好吗
Look, two or three months, I got you, all right?
-好的 你有我电♥话♥吗 -回头见
- Okay. You got my number? - I'll see you around.
-我有你的电♥话♥ -好的
- I got your number! All right. - All right, cool.
我知道你们在嘀咕什么
I know what you guys are saying.
"格雷格 谈谈涓滴经济学"
"Greg, talk about trickle-down economics." Well...
是这样的 现在我们有了新的税收计划
Here's the thing, as now we've got the new tax plan...
皮特
Hey, Pete!
-我是埃伦·戈德 你好啊 -你好
- Elon Gold. What's up? - Oh. Yeah, hey.
我昨晚在酒窖看到你了
I saw you at the Cellar last night.
-我也看见你了 -你演得太棒了
- Yeah, I saw you. - You fucking killed.
我不敢相信埃斯蒂没有让你通过
It was, like-- I can't believe Estee didn't pass you.
你的表演很出色
That was, like, a solid set.
谢谢
Thank you.
我这有个演出机会
I'm doing a... I'm doing a gig
我觉得你是完美人选
that I think you'd be perfect for.
-好啊 -你愿意吗
- Yes. - Would you?
我愿意接受一切机会
I-- I-- I'm open to anything.
它是在犹太教堂 是一个教堂活动
It's a shul, synagogue. It's a temple event.
-我不是犹太人 -他们不在乎
- I'm not Jewish. - They won't care.
他们还会更喜欢你
They'll like you even more.
来吧 给我发电邮 我会告诉你细节
But do it. Just e-mail me, and I'll get you the details,
-会很棒的 -好的 我会给你发电割邮
- and it'll be great. - Sure, yeah. I'll e-mohel you.
Mohel指犹太教割礼执行人
意思是把邮件主题割掉的电邮
That's an e-mail where you cut off the subject.
-演出时别这样说 -抱歉
- Don't do that at the show. - I'm sorry.
好运
Mazel!
豆豆咖啡
谢了
Thank you.
我应该把你留在我家的东西还给你 但是...
I'd bring back, um, what you left at my place, but, you know...
你那时候没有家
You didn't have a place.
对 没家 我现在有地方住了
Yeah, no place. I have a place now.
挺好 不错
That's cool. That's great.
该死
Shit, so,
我应该没有跟你说过 但其实我
I don't think I told you this, but I'm actually, um,
我在约会 和工作上认识的人
I'm seeing someone, someone I met at work.
你的老板吗
Is he your boss?
不 他不是我老板
No, he's not my boss.
-他就在这 你好 -宝贝
- He's right here. Hi. - Hey, babe.
你好吗
How's it going?
泰德 这位是我朋友皮特
Uh, Ted, this is my friend, Pete.
你好 哥们
Hiya, Man.
我叫泰德 泰德演讲的那个泰德
Yeah, I'm Ted, like the talks.
我听说过泰德演讲
Yeah, I've heard of them.
如果你们有空 我想站在一个红色圆形场地
If you guys have a minute, I'd love to just stand on a red dot,
跟你们讲讲内向者的隐藏能量
and tell you about the hidden power of introverts.
他真是太会讲冷笑话了
He has such a dry sense of humor.
很高兴认识你 我是...
Well, nice to meet you. I'm-- yeah.
皮特和我
Pete and I, um, yeah--
我和皮特是一起做喜剧的
Me and Pete, we do comedy together.
单口喜剧
Stand-up.
你跟他说了赛斯·梅耶斯的事了吗
Did you tell him about Seth Myers?
你是要上赛斯 你是要上《深夜秀》吗
You're doing Seth-- Are you doing Late Night?
是的
Yes. Yeah.
-跟他说说怎么成的 -挺不可思议的
- Tell him how it happened. - Oh, um, it was kind of crazy.
我在酒窖喜剧表演
I was performing at the Comedy Cellar,
选角导演就在观众席里
and, um, the bookers were just, like, in the audience.
太好笑了
It was so funny.
-饼干是给我的吗 -给你们俩的
- Is that cookie for me? - Oh, for both of you.
等我把饼干放在桌上后
Uh, yeah, once I put the cookie on the table,
任何人都能抢了
it's anyone's ball game.
-上面是葡萄干吗 -我是怪物吗
- Are those raisins? - Am I a monster?
-这是如假包换的巧克力饼干 -你啊
- This is a hundred percent chocolate chip. - You!
-楼上见吗 -好啊
- I'll see you upstairs? - Okay.
皮特 很高兴认识你
Pete, nice to meet you.
-厉害啊 -对吧 他太好了
- Shit. - I know, he's so great.
对 他很好 但我说的是赛斯·梅耶斯
Yeah, he's dreamy. I'm talking about Seth Myers.