崩溃人生（2017）

我知道
I know that.
从一分到十分 我知道我不是模特级别的
Like, on a one to ten scale, I don't think I could, like, model,
但我肯定能终结一位共和党参议员的职业生涯
but I could definitely end a Republican senator's career.
共和党在同性恋问题态度较保守
真是场超棒的演出
That was a fucking great set.
-干杯 -干杯
- Cheers. - Cheers.
谢谢 谢谢你这么说
Thanks, yeah, I appreciate it.
兄弟 你为什么待在马里兰州
Dude, what are you doing in Maryland?
上大学
Going to college.
但...
Yeah, but...
你离最棒的喜剧中心只有三小时车程
You're three hours from the greatest comedy scene...
-世上最棒的 -世上最棒的
- In the world. - In the world.
佛罗里达 奥兰多
Orlando, Florida.
不 是曼哈顿
No, no! Manhattan!
你离曼哈顿只有三小时车程 你应该...
You're three hours from Manhattan, you should--
你多长时间上台表演一次
How often are you getting up?
-一个月一两次 -这就是我说的意思
- Like once or twice a month. - That-- that's what I'm saying.
你不经常上台却还表演得这么棒
So you're this good going up that infrequently?
如果你真的干这行 你得多出色啊
Imagine how good you'll get when you're really doing it.
这都取决于你认识了谁
It's all who you know.
你只要去纽约找我
You know, you ever get to the city, look me up.
我就能让你少浪费五年时间
I-- I can save you five years of bullshit,
把你安排到对的地方
get you in the right places.
-我会去的 -我认真的
- Anytime, really. - I'm serious.
我也是
So am I.
我在这其实没啥事
I'm not doing shit here, like, truly.
我主修哲学 所以我没什么好干的
I'm majoring in Philosophy, like, I don't fucking do anything.
我这周一个人用薯片筒做了三个烟枪
I made three Pringles bongs this week, alone.
挺酷的
That's kind of impressive.
谢谢 我感觉自己就像在坐牢
Thank you, I feel like I'm in prison.
我明早走 你要是想搭车 你可以...
I'm leaving tomorrow morning. You want a ride, you can--
我有个房♥子 你可以住那 我们能去表演
I have a place. You can crash at my place, we'll do spots.
-好啊 我去 -真的吗 你说真的
- Okay. Yeah, I'm down. - Really? Are you serious?
-我说真的 -我很认真
- Yeah, no, I'm serious. - I'm fucking serious.
-我会去 -我正好需要人陪
- I'm down to go. - I could use some fucking company.
你开车吗 你会开车吗
You can drive? Can you drive?
欢迎来到纽约州
-糖果太好吃了 -确实
- Candy is the best. - It really is.
-科学的产物 -对啊 才会如此美味
- It's made by science. - Yeah, to be fucking delicious.
某个博士想着"嘴巴想吃什么呢"
Someone with a PhD was like, "What does the mouth want?"
我们就有了糖果
We've got it.
-彩虹糖 你吃过彩虹糖吗 -彩虹糖
- Skittles? You ever have a Skittle? - Skittles.
彩虹王国
The rainbow kingdom.
没错
Yes.
我能问一下你为什么做喜剧吗
Can I ask why you got into comedy?
你看起来很正常
You seem... you seem pretty normal.
-你明白我是什么意思 -是的
- I mean, you know what I mean. - Yeah.
因为我们是最悲哀的一群人
Like, we are, we are bluest people.
你身上发生了什么事
What happened to you?
可能是我周围的环境造成的
I feel-- It was just, like, a result of my surroundings, kind of?
我成长在那种低收入的黑人社区
I grew up in this, like, low-income, black neighborhood.
却读了一所都是有钱白人的学校
I went to this, like, rich, white school,
我觉得 在长大的过程中
and... I just felt, like, I don't know, growing up,
比起那些我需要挣扎徘徊
like, "funny" was a more stable identity
才能拥有的性格标签
than whatever I had to do to, like,
"搞笑"是个更稳妥的选择
go back and forth between that.
我就想着 "如果我是个搞笑的孩子
So I just, like, was, like, "Okay if I'm the funny kid,
那无论我在哪 我都是那个搞笑的孩子"
then I'm the funny kid no matter where I am."
因为吧 而且没有人会欺负搞笑的孩子
'Cause, you know-- And it's also, like, nobody funny-bashes, you know?
没有人会因为你
Like, no one is gonna attack you
在聊天时讲段子就攻击你
for doing bits in a conversation.
我希望不要有任何霸凌
I wish there wasn't any bashing.
那样很好 不过我就成不了喜剧演员了
That'd be ideal, but then I might not be a comedian, so...
你去过酒窖吗
Have you ever been to the Cellar?
没有 我看过一些视频
No, I've seen, like, videos of it.
那是舒默和麦当娜会一起出现的地方
That's where, like, Schumer goes up with, like, Madonna.
艾米·舒默 知名喜剧演员
-是吧 总有惊喜 -是的
- Yeah. Right? You never know. - Right.
你想不到会有谁上台
You never know who's gonna go up.
有时候是舒默 有时是查普尔
Sometimes it's Schumer, you might follow Chappelle,
戴夫·查普尔 知名喜剧演员
还有洛克 都是最棒的演员
Rock-- it's all the best ones.
克里斯·洛克 知名喜剧演员
即使只是在酒窖试演
Like, even getting an audition at the Cellar?
那也是个大场面 是件大事
I mean, it's huge. It's a really, really big deal.
有人为我担♥保♥ 我才能上台
So somebody vouched for me, I get to go up--
尽管如此 能被提名我都很荣幸
even that, it's like, it's just an honor to be nominated.
但如果我成功 或者任何人成功的话就能入行
But if I kill, and everybody kills, you get in--
现在每晚我都有两到三个演出
Now I'm doing two-to-three spots a night,
以前我每周只有两到三个演出
instead of two-to-three spots a week.
有伯乐发现我
The right people see me,
我就获得一场深夜的表演 也许半个小时
I get a late-night spot, maybe I get a half-hour,
也许一个小时 也许我会巡回表演
maybe I get an hour, maybe I tour,
也许我会为某人暖场
maybe I open for somebody, I mean...
-老兄 真棒啊 -不可思议
- Dude, that's awesome! - It's incredible.
-真的很棒 -我是说
- That's really cool. - I mean...
我不好意思说纽约是我的主场
I don't want to say New York's my town,
但感觉起来 它就是我的主场
but it's kind of, you know, it is, it's my town.
进来吧
Okay, come in.
好的 房♥子不错啊
Okay. Pretty nice.
能看出来我没怎么在这住过
Yeah, I'm never here as you can tell.
这里只是小歇之处
It's basically just a crash pad.
很明显 那是酒窖
Obviously, that's the Cellar.
街角那个就是波士顿
Around the corner is the Boston.
明明在纽约但别人就叫波士顿
It's in New York, but they call it The Boston.
那是我最开始演出的地方
That's where I started out.
那是很多厉害人物起家的地方
That's where a lot of the greats start out.
波士顿喜剧俱乐部
皮特
Petey!
-最近怎么样 -你好伙计
- What's going on? - Hey, buddy!
刚结束大学巡回演出回来吧
Back from the-- back from the college tour, right?
是啊 我的天
Yeah. Oh my God!
回来感觉真好 表演卖♥♥得怎么样
It's so good to be back! How are shows, selling?
特别好 就是
Oh, it's great! Yeah! It's, um...
真的还挺好的
It's actually doing well, you know?
-很好 -你知道街角的酒窖喜剧吧
- Good! - You know this Comedy Cellar around the corner,
大家都去那里看
everybody's showing up to see whether or not
会不会有某个过气的喜剧演员
one of the disgraced comedians are gonna
再回到那里演出
come back and make an appearance, and, uh,
那里爆满 其他人只能来这 爆满啊
they fill up, people find their way over here. Overflow, baby!
-真棒 -是啊 我们卖♥♥了不少票
- That's great! - Yeah, it's cool. We're selling some tickets.
很好 能回来真好
Good. It's good to be back.
-这位是杰布克 -杰布迪
- This is Jaboukie. - Jaboody?
-杰布克 克 -杰布克
- Jaboukie, with a "K". - Jaboukie.
-《星球大战》 -他为我在大学
- Star Wars? - He opened for me on my coll--
-为我一场大学巡演暖场 -是吗
- well, one of the college shows. - Oh yeah?
我只想来带他看看我的老地盘
I just wanted to show him the old haunt, that's all.
"老地盘" 好吧 大人物
"Old haunt." All right, hotshot.
很高兴见到你 进来吧
Nah, listen, it's good to see you. Come on in.
我得叫辆出租车去机场 我说
I had to call for a cab to the airport and I said,
"我能订一辆出租车
"Uh, hey, can I get a taxi
明天中午去拉瓜迪亚机场吗"
to LaGuardia at noon tomorrow?"
那个家伙说 "好的 再见"
And the guy goes, "Okay, bye!"
这电♥话♥是不是挂早了
Hey, maybe don't hang up the phone just yet.
难道你不该问下我的地址
Aren't you supposed to ask me for my address,
告诉我要花多少钱 或者
tell me how much this is going to cost, or, I don't know,
做点什么来说服我
do anything at all to convince me
咱们说好了吧
a transaction has just been made over the telephone?
而最精彩的是 他如约而至
Here's the weirdest part: he showed up!
很受欢迎啊
Pretty popular guy.
我去和一个人打声招呼
I, uh, I gotta say hi to somebody.
很快 一会儿回来
Real quick. I'll be right back.
我谈恋爱了
I'm in a relationship now.