崩溃人生（2017）

Yeah, that's a celebrity.
劳伦·迈克尔斯也会去 而且她...
Lauren Michaels is gonna come, and she's--
那叫罗恩·迈克尔斯
It's Lorne Michaels.
美国知名男制片人
她可是个美人
She's a beautiful celebrity.
-不是的 -当然是
- Nope. - Yeah!
听上去很棒 但我今晚有安排了
It sounds amazing. I just-- I have plans tonight.
你要做什么 演出吗 这可是千载难逢的机会
What do you have, a show? This is a once-in-a-lifetime thing.
不 我知道 但我最近常常出差
No, I get that. I just-- I've been on the road a lot,
我今晚想陪陪我女朋友 所以...
and I'm sort of spending the night with my girl, so...
你们不是经常见面吗
You guys see each other a lot, though, right?
这可是仅此一晚的机会
This is kind of a just-tonight thing.
我很想去 但我挺久没见她了
I would love hanging out, but I haven't seen her--
我一周没见她了
I haven't seen her in like a week, so...
我想联络一下感情
I just want to reconnect, you know...
但我不是才...
But didn't I just--
你们早上不是才在图享发了高线公园的合照吗
Did I see you on Instagram on the High Line this morning?
对 那是我们 那是她 是凯特
Yes, that's us on the-- that's her. That's Kat.
但不是今天拍的
But that wasn't today.
这算是延迟分享
That was a later-gram. Yeah.
看来你终于找到一个能帮你解开心锁
Seems like you found someone that's helped you unlock
让你勇敢去爱的人
that piece of yourself that lets you be love,
而且你们俩同时坠入了爱河
and the two of you are in love together at the same time.
这很棒
It's great.
谢了 兄弟
Thanks, man.
我们下次再一起吃晚饭吧
We'll do another dinner another time.
等我不忙的时候
I just-- When I'm not so busy.
好的
Yeah, okay.
-我臭死了 -我不在乎
- I'm stinky. - I don't care.
别啊
Oh, no.
你好臭
You're smelly.
我能跟你说件事吗
Can I... Can I tell you something?
-当然 -说来有点诡异
- Sure. - It's weird.
-但不是坏事 -好的
- But it's not bad. - Okay.
你知道我是在宗教环境下长大的
Um, so you know I grew up religious...
我从来都不是AV色狼
...and I was never a big, um, porn guy.
毕竟我会叫他们AV色狼
Evidenced by the fact that I call them porn guys.
是啊 难以置信
Yeah, I can't believe it.
但随着网络的发展
No, I-- But, you know, the Internet
大家都那么做
came around and everybody was doing it.
我就开始看一个女孩 就这一个女人
So I started looking at this one girl-- -this one woman.
我也说不好 我好像迷上了她
And, I don't know, I got really obsessed with this woman,
我这么多年都看她 只看她
and I looked at her consistently for years, but only her.
等等 所以你的意思是
Wait, so what are you saying?
你对你的AV女♥优♥坚贞不渝
You were monogamous with your porn star?
对 没错
Yes, exactly.
但她不是AV女♥优♥ 她是成人模特
But she's not a porn star, she's an adult model.
她只是会 发发裸照
She just-- It's just her. She poses nude.
但你长得很像她
But you look so much like her...
我第一次见你的时候
that the first time I saw you,
无法确定你是不是她本人
I actually wasn't sure you weren't her.
我觉得
I mean, it's like--
把这种事告诉别人挺诡异的
That's a weird thing to tell somebody,
我本该保守秘密 对不起
and I should've kept it to myself and I'm sorry.
而且你... 你绝不只是个...
And you're-- Hold on, you're so much more than a--
你就是我的梦中情人
You're my fantasy, is what I'm saying.
你肯定不是AV女♥优♥
You're not like a porn star woman.
我都再也没看过了
I don't even look at it anymore.
我得给你看样东西
I need to show you something.
-凯蒂 -等等
- Kitty? - Wait.
我就是个怪人
I'm a fucking weirdo.
我真是... 这是什么
My thing is-- What?
这是什么 你破了桩悬案吗
What's that? Are you breaking a cold case?
这是... 你在干什么
What is-- What are you doing?
这是我的愿景板
It's my vision board!
这是我的愿景板
It's my vision board.
你还有愿景板
You do... You do vision boards?
对
Yeah.
-真的吗 -当然
- Like for real? - Yeah!
我希望我能把人生过成这种样子
This is what I want my life to look like.
我想去意大利
Like I want to go to Italy
还想学水肺
or, like, learn how to scuba dive.
但是...
But...
-我是威廉王子 -是的
- I'm Prince William? - Yes!
你又高又性感 还有金发
You are the tall, blond, sexy,
-还有点傻傻的 -凯蒂
- kind of goofy-- - Kitty...
-这就像你对你AV女♥优♥的感情 -是吗
- This is what you were doing with your porn girl. - Really?
他看上去就像根无味蜡烛
He looks like a candle that smells like nothing.
好吧 我不是真想和威廉王子在一起
Okay, I don't literally want to be with Prince William,
但就像你的AV女♥优♥一样
but it's like your porn girl.
你这么多年来
You spent all of these years
都把你的欲望和激♥情♥发泄在她身上
pointing your desire and your intention towards this woman,
而且她还长得像我 我们又刚好遇上了
who looks like me, and then we just happen to meet?
不 我们让彼此美梦成真了
No, we manifested each other.
你觉得我让你...
You think I made you-- I mean...
你不可能怀抱着所有幻想
You can't have all of that desire
却没在现实中找到支持它的证据
and not have it manifest in the world.
这是吸引力法则
It's the law of attraction.
你要做一块吗
Do you want to make one?
我还有一些《纽约客》
I have some more New Yorkers.
-《纽约客》 -是啊
- Oh, New Yorker . - Yeah.
我会拿《花♥花♥公♥子♥》来读文章
I read Playboy for the articles,
但会拿《纽约客》来当黄书
but I read New Yorker for the pornography.
我在找一张罗杰斯先生的照片
I've been looking for a photo of Mr. Rogers
或是大鸟的 你有吗
or Big Bird, if you have either.
都是美国早期著名儿童节目形象
黛布拉
Debra!
加拿大同名儿童剧角色
是吗 你喜欢雷·罗曼诺
Yeah? You're into Ray Romano?
我喜欢雷 所有人 所有人都...
I love Ray. Everybody-- everybody...
能给我点胶水吗 我想闻一下
Can I have some paste? I'd like to sniff it.
-我给我们准备了惊喜 -好的
- I have a surprise for us. - Okay.
把裤子穿上
Put your pants on.
要去哪 我还得穿裤子
Where am I going that I need pants?
我们能走吗
Can we go?
我不太喜欢这种地方 这里...
I don't like these kinds of places. This is...
什么叫"这样的地方"
What do you mean "These kinds of places"?
这可不是什么脏兮兮的路边摊
This isn't like a scuzzy roadside jerk-hut.
-不是吗 -这里是性♥爱♥天堂
- No? - This is The Pleasure Chest.
很典雅 很干净
It's a very classy place, it's very clean.
-性♥爱♥天堂 -是的
- The Pleasure Chest. - Yeah.
我还是不怎么愿意来这
It's still very hard for me to be here.
二位需要什么帮助吗
Do you two need any help with anything?
-我觉得 好吧 -需要的
- I think we're-- Yes. - Yeah!
我们在找一些我们都能享受的东西
So we are looking for something that we can both have fun with,
但他对这些东西都挺陌生的
but he's sort of new to all of this.
好的 我一般推荐情侣先从跳蛋玩起
Okay. Well, I always tell couples to start with a Bullet.
这是用医用级别的无孔塑料制成的
This is made of medical-grade non-porous plastic.
-医用级别的 -很适合在外部把玩
- Oh, medical-grade. - It's great for external play.
这个小东西的功能可多了
You can do a lot with this little guy.
开着呢
Oh, it's on.
就像鸡尾酒香肠一样
It's like a cocktail wiener...
给小♥弟♥弟♥用的
for your... for your wiener.
喂
Hello?
对不起 我现在不能接电♥话♥
Sorry, I can't cock right now.
我在过隧♥道♥呢
Yeah, I'm going through a tunnel.
然后你
And then you...
很好玩 谢谢
It's fun. Thank you.
这是什么 看上去像海马
What about this? It looks like a seahorse.
这一般是用于后♥庭♥的
Well, that's usually for anal.
你试过后♥庭♥吗
Have you, uh, tried anal?
-没有 -有的
- No. - Yes.