崩溃人生（2017）

跟我说说你的大鸡♥巴♥ 皮特
Yeah, talk about your hard cock for me, Pete.
它...它现在很可怜
It's a... It's a sad scene down there.
-你别... -就像淋了雨的芝士条
- Okay, just-- - It looks like a cheese doodle in the rain.
皮特 现在别讲段子 我...
Pete, no bits. Don't do bits right now. I just--
我在干...
I'm fucking...
我要你乞求我的大肉♥棒♥
I'm making you beg for my big hard one.
我要狠狠地插到深处
I'm fucking you so hard and so deep.
把我的小蚯蚓塞进去
Gonna wedge my soft one in there.
皮特
Pete!
我正要...等一下
I'm just gonna-- Just give me a second.
不不不 别...我要干♥你♥
No, no, no. Don't-- I'm fucking you.
我在干♥你♥ 对不起 我在干♥你♥
I'm fucking you, I'm sorry. I'm fucking you...
用我的魔法石
with my Sorcerer's Stone.
-皮特 -火焰杯来了
- Pete! - Here comes my Goblet of Fire.
够了 不好笑 我不...
Stop! It's not funny. I'm not...
没感觉了 我不...
I lost it. I'm not...
对不起 对不起 只是
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, it's just,
我射了以后 性♥爱♥
as soon as I come, you know, sex,
就没什么感觉了
like, it doesn't really make any sense.
我没法... 真的对不起
I can't-- I'm really sorry.
没关系 你射了就好 我要...
No, it's fine. I'm glad you came. I'm gonna, um...
就像那天在成人用品店一样
This is just like the sex shop all over again.
对不... 完了
I'm s-- Shit.
我没心情了 明天再说吧
I'm not in the mood anymore. I'll talk to you tomorrow.
凯蒂
Kitty...
再见
Bye.
皮特 起床 宝贝 燥起来
Petey! Come on, baby, let's roll!
干什么
What the fuck?
你不想让我把蛋塞到你嘴里吧
You don't want to get tea-bagged, do ya?
我们去逛商场
We're going to the mall, bitch!
快走 起来 皮特
Let's go. Come on, Petey!
我们要去大干一场 你会喜欢的
We're gonna make it happen. You're gonna love it.
更多的欢乐
很好 你们都在
Okay, good. You're all here.
我一直在联♥系♥你的经纪人
I've been trying to get a hold of your manager.
我就是自己的经纪人 你以为
I manage myself. What do you think,
我会花一成收入雇人替我接电♥话♥
I'm gonna pay somebody ten percent to pick up a phone,
回邮件吗 不用了 谢谢
maybe answer an e-mail? No, thanks.
好吧
Okay.
今晚你负责串场
Well, I need you to middle tonight.
说什么呢 我以为我们效果很好
What are you talking about? I thought we had a nice flow.
我们要试试新安排
We're gonna try something new.
皮特 你今晚可以担任头牌吗
Okay. Hey, Pete, are you comfortable headlining tonight?
行 我可以讲45分钟
Uh, yeah, I can do 45.
你♥他♥妈♥说什么呢
What the fuck are you talking about?
有人对你的演出提出了投诉
We received complaints about your set, okay?
-评价卡吗 -不 点评网
- Comment cards? - No. Yelp.
-点评网 -是的 点评网
- Yelp. - Yes, Yelp.
我们的评分一晚上就降了半星
We dropped a full half-star in one night.
我们对此非常重视
We take that very, very seriously.
点评网 真的假的
Yelp. Really?
你们降了半星
You dropped half a star
然后就把权力给这些混♥蛋♥吗
and you're gonna give these fucking jerk-offs the power?
那是他们没种 去他们的
If somebody's a pussy, fuck 'em!
说实在的 我们还让你上台
Honestly, you should just be happy
你就该偷着乐了
we're keeping you on the show at all,
如果你的表演别那么激进
if you can tone it down.
别激进 你看到观众的反应了吗
If I can tone it-- Did you see that room?
你觉得为什么会满座
Who do you think packed that room?
我们发♥票♥的啊
We papered the house.
我们寄给他们的票是免费的
That was our mailing list. We gave them free tickets.
狗屁 这...
This is... This is bullshit. This...
全是狗屁
This is bullshit.
杰
Jay...
不 对的
No, yeah.
确实在系统里 "开放食物"一栏下
Well, it is in the system under "open food".
等一下 什么事
Hold on. Yes?
我想问问能不能让我当头牌
I was just wondering if maybe I should headline.
我不是得寸进尺
'Cause, uh, I'm not trying to, like, overstep my boundaries.
只是我更有名气
It's just that I have more credits,
而且我没被投诉
and, you know, I didn't get complaints.
-所以... -好吧
- So... - Yeah.
其实老板给你提了意见
Actually, the owner did have some suggestions for you.
真的吗 他来看演出了吗
Really? Wa-was he here?
他在佛罗里达看的直播...
He watches on a livestream from Florida, so...
主要就是让你多些热情
Mainly, just the global note is just have more enthusiasm overall.
乐在其中 多笑笑 好吗
Have fun with it, you know, smile more. Right?
-多笑笑 -是的
- Smile more? - Yeah.
看我笑了
Just did it.
我就是觉得吧
I just feel like right now,
你现在好像是假装想要读介绍词
it feels like you're pretending to want to read the announcements,
我希望你发自内心地想读介绍词
I want you to want to read the announcements.
-好吧 -很喜欢说介绍词
- Right. - You know, you're excited about saying them.
好的 明白
Okay, yeah.
好 祝你们好运 演出顺利
Great. Good luck, everyone. Have a good show.
-谢谢 -谢谢
- Thanks. - Thank you.
多笑笑
Smile more.
行吧
Cool.
抱歉 小爱
I'm sorry, Al.
我觉得你笑得刚刚好
And I thought you smiled just the right amount.
那是暗示 亲爱的
It's code, sweetheart.
暗示他们想要一个欢快爱说的女孩开场
It means they want a bubbly chick to open the show.
重点就是胸大露牙
It's tits and teeth.
老兄 你刚被贬为串场演出
Dude, you just got demoted to middle.
有什么资格教育我
How are you lecturing me?
胸大露牙 你就这本事了
Tits and teeth, that's all you are.
今晚有两种特饮
Um, two drink specials tonight.
一种欢笑小屋饮 一种杰克笑话料
We've got the Chuckle Shackery and the Jack and Joke.
就是...
It's, uh... Yeah.
只需加十美元
And, uh, for an extra ten dollars,
我们就会用笑哈哈玻璃杯为您奉上
you can get it served to you in a laugh carafe.
如果你们是垃圾就点吧
You should definitely do that if you're utter trash.
现在我只剩下三分钟了
All right. Well, now that I only have three minutes left,
那就开始我的表演
I guess I'll start my set.
我说这话都是耗费时间
I'm eating into the time as I speak.
我今天想说些新玩意儿
You know, I think I'm gonna do some new material tonight.
你们觉得怎么样
How do you guys feel about that?
我不吐不快
I just have to say...
真不明白那些不懂征求同意的白♥痴♥
I don't get these idiots who don't understand the concept of consent.
他们说 "我还得问她想不想被♥插♥吗
They're like, "I have to ask if she wants a dick in her?
等等 什么 那我就没兴致了啊"
Wait, what? That's gonna totally throw off my momentum."
你们还不是每天都问问题
You ask questions all goddamn day.
去麦当劳会说 "我的汉堡不要酸黄瓜
You go to McDonald's, you say, "Hi. I don't want pickles on my burger.
能确保汉堡不夹酸黄瓜吗"
Can I make sure that there are no pickles on my burger?"
那就不该害怕对女人说
It shouldn't be daunting to say to a woman,
"我能把我的黄瓜插♥你♥汉堡里吗"
"Hey, can I put my pickle in your burger?"
她在破坏我的表演
She's torpedoing my act.
女人爱问题 对吧 超爱的
Women love questions. Right? They love them.
我一听问题就高♥潮♥
I get off on questions.
"我能带你共进晚餐吗"
"Can I take you to dinner?" You know?
"你想见见我父母吗" "想"
"Do you wanna meet my parents?" "Yes!" You know?
"我能干♥你♥吗" "现在可以了"
"Can I fuck you?" "Now you can!"
感谢你们的捧场
Guys, this has been such a treat.
接下来有请今晚的串场表演
I'm gonna bring up your middle for the evening.
准备好迎接串场了吗
Are you guys ready for your middle?
天啊 太棒了
Oh, my God. That's so wonderful.
你们肯定会喜欢他 他绝对让你们欢笑
You're gonna love him. He is a delight and a half.
掌声欢迎杰森·韦伯
Give it up for Jason Webber.
大家好吗 贱♥人♥们
What's up, fuckers?
掌声送给爱丽·瑞森
How about a hand for Ali Reissen?
要不给一拳 肯定能让她松弛下来