崩溃人生（2017）

Next up, we have Saoirse Ronan, and later,
紧接着是喜剧演员爱丽·瑞森的午夜电视首秀
making her late-night television debut, comedian Ali Reissen!
不要走开 精彩马上回来
Stick around, everybody. We'll be right back.
天哪 是埃莫·菲利普
Oh my God, it's Emo Philips.
天啊
Oh my God.
-很高兴见到你 -很高兴见到你
- Nice to see you. - Oh, good to see you.
他在这里表演吗
Does he even play here?
他好像不住在纽约
I didn't even think he lived in New York.
他看起来像是住在树上 他是谁
He looks like he lives in a tree. Who is that?
他是另类喜剧教父
Oh, he's the godfather of alt comedy.
-你怎么来纽约了 -我刚看了一场百老汇
- What are you doing in town? - I just saw a Broadway show.
-你看了什么 -没有名字
- What'd you see? - Well, they didn't have a name,
不过我给了他们一美元
but I gave them a dollar.
他身上兼具童真与睿智
His aura is both childlike and wise at the same time.
他看起来像御伞而来
He looks like he rode here on an umbrella.
埃莫 天啊 见到你真好
Hi, Emo. Oh, my goodness. So nice to see you.
你看起来真不错
You look so good.
你也是啊 辣妈
Oh, right back at ya, hot mama.
真是... 他来真是太好了 真好
Oh, this is... It's cool that he's here. It's cool.
-是吗 别这样 -我说真的 没事
- Right? Come on. - Oh, no. It's fine. No, no, no.
今晚你是主角 这是属于你的夜晚
Tonight is all about you. This is your night.
谢谢 真的没事
Thank you. It's totally fine.
你觉得他会上台吗
Do you think he's gonna go up?
希望如此 他是我最喜欢的喜剧演员之一
Fuck, I hope so. He's one of my favorite comics.
-真的吗 -当然
- Really? - Yeah!
我以为你喜欢迈克·埃普斯那样的
I thought you were more like a Mike Epps guy.
我也可以喜欢现实的 老兄
You know, I can like some real shit, man.
-我并不是说... -你什么毛病
- I'm not saying-- - What the fuck is wrong with you?
我们去看看他会不会表演吧
Let's go see if he's doing something.
好的 正合我意
Actually, I would love that.
-走吧 -走 去看看
- Come on, let's go. - Come on, let's check it out.
-你好 -好吧
- Oh, hello. - All right.
你介意我就过去看一小会吗
Do you mind if I just go down and watch for one minute?
等等 你要离开我吗
Wait. You're leaving?
拜托 我只看八个笑话
Oh, come on. I just wanna watch, like, eight jokes.
然后我马上回来 你介意吗
And I'll be right back up. Do you mind?
好好好 去吧去吧
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go, go, go.
-我希望你去 -我马上回来
- I want you to go. Okay. - I'll be right back.
事实上 大家想去的都可以去...
Actually, everybody who wants to go should just go, um...
爱丽 我们都是为你来的 你才是重点
Ali, we're all here for you, this is all about you.
是的 我们不在乎什么埃木·菲利普
Yeah, we don't care about Emu Philips.
-埃莫 看吧 -好吧 埃莫
- Emo, see? - Okay, Emo.
-没人在乎 我们不关心 -我不...
- Zero fucks. We don't care. - I don't--
我就去看下他还模不模仿声音
Okay, well, I'm-- I'm just gonna see if he still does the voice bit.
那是他的标志性表演...
It's iconic, so...
我不是来见埃莫·菲利普的
I'm not here to see Emo Philips.
我是来把你变成埃莫·菲利普的
I'm here to turn you into Emo Philips.
谢谢你 凯文 我很感激
Thank you, Kevin. I appreciate that.
回到纽约真是太棒了
It's so great to be back in New York City.
我过去住在纽约
I used to live here.
有时我特别想念纽约
Sometimes, I miss it so much
就给加湿器加尿
I'll fill my humidifier with urine.
女人约会喜欢被礼貌对待
Women like courtesy on a date.
这点特别重要
That's so important.
我有次约会惹了大♥麻♥烦
I got in trouble once on a date.
我没有为她打开车门
I didn't open the car door for her.
而是自己游出了水面
Instead, I just swam for the surface.
你们好
Hey, guys.
-你不是要上电视了吗 -我等够了
- Aren't you about to be on TV? - Eh, I got tired of waiting.
她不能错过这一刻
She can't miss this!
我很喜欢棒球赛季
I am excited about baseball season.
我超爱棒球 我小时候
I love baseball. Once, when I was a little boy,
有次用棒球棒痛揍学校恶霸
I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat.
他两条胳膊都断了
Both his arms were completely broken,
所以我才有了勇气
which is what gave me the courage.
再一次...
One more time...
埃莫·菲利普
Emo Philips!
你的演出真棒
That was a great set.
-你真棒 -谢谢
- You're great. - Oh, thank you.
真的很出色
Yeah, that was amazing.
我一边看着一边就想
I was watching it, being like,
"不知道我能不能像那样出色"
"I don't know if I'll ever be that good."
-你是喜剧演员吗 -是的
- Oh, are you a comedian? Oh! - Yes. Yeah.
我今晚会表演单口相声
I'm... I'm doing stand-up tonight.
今天是我在塞斯·梅耶斯节目上的深夜首秀
I'm making my late-night debut on Seth Meyers.
我的首秀
Oh, my first shot
是在1984年大卫牙擦骚中
was Late Night with David Letterman, back in '84.
是吗 我看过那场节目
Oh, yeah! I've seen that set.
-谢谢你 -在油管上
- Oh, thank you. - YouTube, yeah.
我有四分半的演出时间 我不是夸张
I had a four-and-a-half minute set, and I'm not exaggerating,
我后来在镜子前彩排过
I must have rehearsed it in front of the mirror
不下两百次
200 times afterwards.
秘诀就是好好准备
That's the secret, preparation.
谨记 卓别林可以成为基顿
Just remember-- Chaplin can be Keaton,
但无政♥府♥主义四贱客成不了傀儡乐队
but the Marx Brothers cannot be the Stooges.
爱丽 到你了
Ali, you're on!
谢谢你 埃莫·菲利普 好的
Okay. Thank you, Emo Philips. Okay.
我来了
I'm coming!
谢谢你 埃莫·菲利普
Thank you, Emo Philips!
我来了 我来了
I'm coming! I'm coming!
天哪 我今晚太糟糕了
Oh, gosh, I-I sucked tonight.
今晚的嘉宾是一位搞笑喜剧演员
Tonight's guest is a very funny comedian
她的深夜首秀
making her late-night debut.
请大家欢迎爱丽·瑞森
Please welcome to the show Ali Reissen, everyone!
大家好 很高兴来到这
Hello! It's so good to be here!
多谢邀请
Thank you for having me!
我最近都在进行原始人饮食法
I've been eating Paleo.
如果你们不了解的话
Um, if you guys don't know what that is,
其实就是和恐龙吃一模一样的东西
that's where you eat the same thing dinosaurs eat, so...
刚在后台我正把克里斯·帕拉特当点心吃呢
backstage I was snacking on Chris Pratt, and, um...
他蛋白质含量太高了
he's very high in protein.
我吃太多了 我最近吃太多了
I've been eating a lot. I've been eating a lot lately.
有一天 我吃得太多了
Like, the other day, I ate so much,
我朋友说"爱丽 你胖得像怀孕了"
my friend was like, "Ali, you have a food baby."
我说"才不是 丹尼斯 我有个肠子罢了"
I was like, "No, Denise. I have a gut, you know?"
她很搞笑
She's funny.
胖得像怀孕一样只有在
The only time it would be cool to have a food baby
人们对待你像
is if you got treated the same way
对待孕妇一样时才酷
as someone pregnant with a regular baby, right?
好比有人在地铁上给你让座位
Like, somebody gives up their seat to you on the subway.
他们问"我的天 男生还是女生呀"
They're like, "Oh my God. What are you having?"
我说"牛油果墨西哥卷饼
You're like, "Had--carnitas with guac.
确实挺容易情绪化呢"
Yeah, it's really emotional."
-我喜欢她的裙子 -安静点
- I like her dress. - Shh!
他们说"你容光焕发"
They're like, "Oh, you're glowing!"
别他妈叫我安静
Do not fucking shush me.
就快结束了 晚点再说这事
It's almost over. Let's talk after.
我就想说我喜欢她的裙子
I was gonna say that I like her dress.
-好的 请安静点 -我♥操♥ 皮特
- Yeah, okay. Just, shh, please. - Jesus fucking Christ, Pete.
对不起 过会儿再说这事吧
I'm sorry. Let's just talk in a minute.
一帆风顺 我的生活一帆风顺
Things are good. Things are good in my life.
我男朋友和我
My boyfriend and I,
我们的感情进入了下一个阶段
we just took our relationship to the next level.
我们分手了 然后
We broke up, and--
她太自以为是了
She's so full of herself.
-凯蒂 -什么
- Kitty. - What?
-她就在这 -她听不见我
- She's right there. - She can't hear me.
但感情仍然如火如荼 好比在床上
But it was still hot. Like, in bed,
他问我"谁是你♥爸♥爸"
he'd be like, "Who's your daddy?"
而我问"你硬哪去了"
And I'd be like, "Where's your erection?"
这落差太大了