崩溃人生（2017）

今晚6点有演出
this afternoon at 6 P.M.
地点在联合团契教会 欢迎前往观看
That's at the United Fellowship Church. Check it out.
先休息一下 一会儿见 谢谢
We gotta go to break, we'll be back. Thank you, guys!
-稍后回来 -谢谢
- We're back after this. - Thank you!
太棒了 非常搞笑 非常感谢
Guys, that was great. Really funny stuff. Thank you so much.
吃点东西吗
Hey, do you want to go get something to eat?
好啊
I would love to.
-你要辣酱吗 -不要 谢谢
- You want hot sauce? - No, thank you.
太好吃了
Fucking good.
是的 特别好吃
Yeah, it really is.
教会演出
So, Christian show?
-其实... -我没有批判的意思
- Okay, listen, it's like-- - I'm not judging you at all.
只不过我上次看见你的时候
It's just, the last time I saw you,
你跟一个高个金发姑娘在一起
you were with a tall blonde,
拎着一大袋子假鸡鸡
schlepping around a huge bag of dildos.
是的 我现在在扩展业务
Yeah, I'm, you know, branching out.
有时我晚上是送假鸡鸡的圣诞老人
Some nights, I'm dildo Santa Claus,
有时我晚上在教会演出
other nights, I do, you know, Christian shows.
我对假鸡鸡和金发姑娘没什么意见
I have no problem with dildos or blondes.
我只是不知道你有宗教信仰
I just didn't know you were religious like that.
我 我不是
I'm-- I'm not. I...
其实
I mean, I...
我就是这么长大的
That's how I was raised, and...
挺好的
It's so nice.
真的挺好的 你应该看看
It's so nice. You should see.
我们有巡演巴士 自己的床铺
We have a tour bus, we get our own bunks.
我现在在大剧院演出 有粉丝
I play big theaters now with fans and...
-不错啊 -签签名
- Awesome. - ...sign autographs.
大家都很友善
Everybody's friendly.
还挣钱
And the money, I mean...
你不用跟我推销自己
Listen, you don't have to sell me.
我明白 不过我现在非常想知道
I totally get it, but now I'm dying to know
到底能赚多少钱
how much money?
一场演出一千块
It's a thousand dollars a show.
要是我 把灵魂卖♥♥给耶稣都行
I would sell my soul to Jesus for that.
他不买♥♥灵魂
He doesn't buy souls.
-魔鬼买♥♥ -我跟他一点都不熟
- The devil-- - I don't know him at all.
跟魔鬼做交易 要么比小提琴要么给现金
It's either fiddle contests or cash with the devil.
-明白了 -但是跟耶稣 就是个口头协议
- Got it. - But Jesus, it's just a handshake agreement.
他就说一句"欢迎加入" 然后就没事了
He just says, "Welcome aboard," and then you're good.
-好的 -我不太确定
- Okay. - I don't know,
我以为你觉得我没有原则
I thought you would think I'm a sellout.
我有点 对吗
I kind of feel like a-- Am I?
不 我不会那么想
No, I don't-- I would never think that.
你是个很棒的演员
You're a fucking entertainer.
如果你能正经赚钱 那就无可厚非
If you're making money, good money, then you should do it.
那我就放心了 你走进电台的时候
That's such a relief. When you walked into the radio station,
我以为我要被酷孩子戳破了
I felt like I was getting busted by the cool kids.
我以为你要向酒窖举报
I thought you were gonna report back to The Cellar
这个大骗子
what a fucking phoney--
不 我不会那么说你的
No, I am the last person that would ever judge you for that.
我以前在以色列
I was just in Israel.
给极端东正教的人表演节目
I did shows for ultra-Orthodox people,
你觉得我会告诉他们
and, I mean, do you think I told them
我是个同性恋
that I'm a lesbian or that, you know,
我有一个孩子 我没有信仰
I have a kid or that I'm not religious?
不 我就守口如瓶赚我的钱
No, I just keep it to myself and I make the money.
我是个生意人
I'm a business person.
你不觉得自己没原则吗
You don't feel like a sellout?
不 我不会做让我夜不能寐的事
No. I don't do anything that will keep me up at night.
每个人需要决定自己的底线
Everyone needs to just decide what line they won't cross,
你也要为自己决定一个底线
and you need to decide that for yourself.
我不知道 我想太多了
I don't know. I'm overthinking it.
我也觉得
I think you are, too.
你每分钟赚五十块
Listen, you're making 50 dollars a minute.
管别人怎么想呢
I mean, who gives a shit what anyone thinks?
你怎么不跟帮厨的抱怨
Yeah. Why don't you complain to the line cook,
让他炸了你的手
and let him fucking fry your hand?
你就是干这行的
You're paying for this.
谢谢 一切都太完美了
Oh, thank you. Everything was incredible.
耶稣救赎了他
Jesus has this one covered.
天啊
Oh my God!
你看
Look!
看看这些小摆件
Look at all these tchotchkes.
什么 一堆小摆件
What? A bunch of tchotchkes?
-我能问个问题吗 -当然
- Can I ask you something? - Sure.
怎么了
What?
-是个女同的问题 -当然
- It's a lesbian question. - Of course it is.
我特别喜欢白直男拿我当女同谷歌♥
I love when straight, white men use me as Dyke Google.
我就是好奇 女同在乎
I'm just curious. It's like, do lesbians care about...
紧不紧吗
...tightness?
你们坐在一起会聊"我遇见了一个人
Do you sit around and go, "I went on a date.
她特别 她特别紧"
Oh, she was so-- she was so tight?"
不会
No!
不 我们...
No, I mean, we're--
我觉得男人特别痴迷于紧致
I feel like men are so obsessed with the grip.
我没那么在乎
I-- I could care less.
事实上 越放松越宽大
In fact, the more open and wide it is,
我放进入的也就越多 一个脚趾或一只脚
the more I just put in there, you know, like a toe or a foot.
-天啊 -我的猫
- Oh my God. - My cat.
-天啊 -什么都往里塞
- Oh, God. - Just shove everything in.
-嗯 遥控器 -对
- Yeah. The remote. - Yeah.
我知道这么说很奇怪 但这匹马的屁♥股♥不错
I know this is weird to say, but that horse has a great ass.
他确实做了很多有氧运动
He does a lot of cardio.
我到了
This is me coming up.
跟你聊天很开心 特别开心
This was fun, really fun.
我没想到会遇见熟人
I... obviously didn't expect to run into anyone I knew, so...
我也很开心 谢谢你
It was great for me. Thank you.
不然我就整天待在酒店了
I would've sat in my hotel room all day and night.
我也是 就等着演出
Me, too. Just waiting for the show.
是的
Yeah.
-回头见 -回见
- I will see you around. - Yes.
你在台上想怎么演就怎么演
With your thing, do what you want on stage,
只要不是
just make sure that
台上还没平时搞笑就行了
you're not funnier offstage than you are onstage.
多谢
Thanks.
-拜 杰西 -拜
- Bye, Jessie. - Bye.
凯特
抱歉 最近一团糟
马上给我打电♥话♥
-真的很好听 -谢谢 皮特
- Sounds really good. - Thanks, Pete.
你们收到我更改日程的邮件了吧
Hey, so you guys got my e-mail about the schedule change, right?
-收到了 谢谢 -好
- Yeah, thanks. - Great.
早餐怎么样
How was breakfast?
很不错 你应该也来的
It was wonderful. You should've come.
你的朋友对我来说...
Oh, well, your friend is a little too...
太纽约化了 欣赏不来
New York-y for my taste.
-好吧 -不过很有趣
- Yeah, um... - But interesting.
她好像是新泽西人
Yeah, she's-- she's from New Jersey, I think.
不过 好吧
But, yeah.
博得观众喜欢
Knock 'em dead.
我喜欢《圣经》
I love the Bible.
真的喜欢
I love the Bible, I really do.
我从小到大一直听人争论
And my whole life, people have been debating
《圣经》到底是虚构的故事还是真事
whether or not the Bible is a story or if it's literally true.
我一直就说 这有区别吗
And I always said the same thing, I'm like, what's the difference?
我是认真的 到底有什么区别
I mean this. What's the difference?
如果这本书带你去到
If that book takes you to that place
那个充满恩典和平与爱
of grace and peace and love
让你不再只局限于自身的地方
and thinking of something bigger than yourself,
谁在乎啊
who cares?
那就去啊 宝贝 那就去 谁在乎